Hey everyone. It's time for Survivor again! After an excellent season of Big Brother this summer, I won't be using this episode to wash the reality taste out of my mouth, as I've become so used to doing after these long, dry summers. I've also never been happier to have my HD television, although in a few weeks when these people start looking like third world refugees, I may have to alter my opinion. But since this bitch is two hours long, and we have a lot of poop references to get to, let's get right to it:
After the credits, Jeff welcomes the 18 contestants to Gabon, and he actually says the words "Earth's Last Eden", so we can look forward to that all season. I'm pretty sure Jeff's definition of Eden probably includes James, a variety of fruits, and some excessive frolicking, so methinks he might be lying to himself a little bit here. After everyone introduces themselves (which we'll get to in a moment), Jeff calls the two eldest people forward. Those two people are Bob (57, Professional Bow Tie Wearer) and Gillian (61, Tries Way Too Hard), who take their spots on the yellow and red tribe mats respectively. The eldest people will begin with a tribe pick-em, just like Thailand. That does not bode well. They play Rock-Paper-Scissors to see who will pick first, and Gillian somehow manages to annoy me right off the bat.
Bob gets to select first, and he picks "baldy with the shaved head" (redundant!), whose real name is Ace (27, James Bond Villain). Gillian picks Crystal, who says she is a homemaker, but who is really a former Olympic Gold Medalist. We will shortly that she has not been keeping up with the cross training. Ace picks "Sugar", who is 29 and a "pin-up model", meaning that your local mechanic now has someone to root for. Also, are you serious? Just tell them you work at a 50s diner.
Crystal chooses Susie, who is also a homemaker. I've heard statements from those who thought this pick made zero sense, but it's actually quite smart. Wouldn't you want people on your team that you can forge an alliance with? Older ladies get picked off like whoa on this show, so if you happen to fall within this demographic, having enough people like you around to form an alliance is the wise move.
Sugar chooses "the tall farmer looking boy", whose real name is Marcus (28, Guy That I'm Going to Be Really Tired of Reading About In The Comments After About Three Weeks). Susie picks Matty, who has one of the least endearing CBS bios I have ever read. It does not make me want to root for him in the least.
Marcus picks Charlie (29, Professional Todd From Survivor: China Impersonator), who is a little overly excited to be chosen and immediately hugs all over Marcus, going from zero to uncomfortable in record time. Too soon, buddy. Matty chooses Randy, who is wearing a Hawaiian shirt in a non-ironic manner. I think that pretty much covers all you need to know about Randy
Charlie chooses Paloma (24, nondescript) and Randy picks Dan. Dan is 32 and used to be a lawyer, but just quit and is "finding himself". Yeah, I know some of those attorneys. Paloma chooses this year's token cute blonde Kelly, and Dan picks GC, who tells them that they can call him "G-Sizzle", so we all know what that means: dead to me.
Kelly chooses Jacquie, whose name will face my keyboard's wrath this season. GC takes Ken, a professional videogame player and the world champion at Super Smash Brothers, a game which I have spent too much time playing while drunk. Jacquie takes Corrine, who is trying too hard to be this year's bitch. That pick wraps up the yellow tribe, which will be called Kota. The red tribe is left with Michelle, and they will be called "Fang", which is pronounced "Fong". As Fang gets their buffs, Gillian takes a big dramatic whiff of hers. Trying too hard to be the center of attention is always a good strategy. You'll go far! Like...to the end of this recap!
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Comments (17)
Thanks Schoon! This line cracked me up:
And that is the story of how the guy who had a lobotomy in the first episode is the best at reading people.
I also loved the photo caption:
Come on, I know curling medalists who would do better at this than you.
This may annoy you, but I have picked Ace before I even saw the first episode to win the whole thing. I like to read the bios and make wacky decisions based on not so much.
Charlie's Crazy Crush is kinda creepy. And can someone please tell Dan to lose the tie? Seeing a tie at tribal council on a dirty nasty shirt is disconcerting. Like you, I was SO GLAD to see Gillian ousted. She was making my brain hurt. The first girl out wasn't too horrible, but she was already so skinny, she probably would have died in two weeks.
Thanks for the recap!
1 of 17 | Posted by geewits | Posted on September 28, 2008 2:49 AM
Hilarious! You really know your Survivor. I enjoyed all the little mentions to previous seasons throughout the recap. Aside from that, I really hope that this season shapes up to be a good one.
PS - Yes, Charlie may be a little creepy, but I find him hilarious. Deal! :)
2 of 17 | Posted by squeedunk | Posted on September 28, 2008 5:26 AM
I really hate it when one of the tribes is so obviously outgunned right at the get-go...takes all the fun out of it. Also because I inevitably feel compelled to root for the underdog, and so far this crew just doesn't have me feeling all rooty-tooty.
This is the first time watching Survivor in real-time, usually I just collect all the episodes and watch them when the season's already done. But I've become such a recap-addict that I can't help myself...Go get 'em Schoon!
Right now I like Bowtie Bob...he seems crafty enough.
3 of 17 | Posted by itchy | Posted on September 28, 2008 10:44 AM
I'm with Itchy. I'm rooting for Bowtie.
I'm still so shocked that they got rid of that bitchy girl first before Gillian. She seemed more than capable. just nuts.
was reading dlisted earlier and it has a post of Marcus running with something something peeking out that CBS didnt' get to censor. LOL.
Looking forward to this season and the accompanying recaps. =D
4 of 17 | Posted by chibby | Posted on September 28, 2008 11:39 AM
I've been reading your recaps for a long time and was finally compelled to leave a comment about the "I'm a lemur!" caption. I laughed helplessly for 5 minutes and eventually had to scroll the page down past the picture in order to read on beause every time I look at it, the giggles started over again. Thanks!
5 of 17 | Posted by Mojo | Posted on September 28, 2008 11:57 AM
I don’t think you will ever top “Encyclopedia Pooptanica”, but I look forward to seeing you try LOL
I’m certain Charlie is very excited about being designated Marcus’s “inner layer.” But I agree…Charlie’s insta-crush creeps me out.
I wonder how Lemur Boy will feel when he’s sees the video for himself.
I like seeing the tie at, Tribal, though. Lends the proceedings an air of…oh, who am I kidding. Never mind.
One last thing…according to “Sugar’s” resume’, she apparently was on “Gilmore Girls.”
6 of 17 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on September 28, 2008 12:04 PM
This caption had me laughing out loud: "Operation: Medulla Oblongata was a complete success". :-)
It must just be something about guys named Dan on reality shows this go round. They all rock! ;-)
7 of 17 | Posted by JustJesse | Posted on September 28, 2008 1:03 PM
Schoonie - it's THONG not FONG! :-)
8 of 17 | Posted by krut | Posted on September 28, 2008 2:56 PM
The Lemur comment with the photo of Randy made me laugh out loud. THAT WAS FUNNY.
Charlie really needs to take it down a notch regarding Marcus cause Marcus isn't that handsome. Charlie needs to get some eye glasses when he gets back to Manhattan.
On the other hand, that Dan...D-A-D-D-Y. I want to be Dan's inner layer.
PMS girl and the old lady - I'm not missing either one of them.
I'm on team RANDY at this point only because of his CBS bio. How can I not like somebody so angry and bitter?
9 of 17 | Posted by Mr Dangerous | Posted on September 29, 2008 7:44 AM
Can't believe you didn't mention how completely obnoxious, even by Gillian standards, Gillian was during the first immunity challenge when even Probst told her to give it a rest with the fanatical cheering. Good thing Randy had that lobotomy or he might have killed her with his bare hands right there.
10 of 17 | Posted by DP Hooker | Posted on September 29, 2008 7:52 AM
I just wanted to say... I've never seen "kumquat" spelled the dirty way before... I liiiiike it! *giggle*
I have never watched this show (I know, it's shocking, especially for us gays because of Richard Hatch and all, but really he's not a reason to watch anything but prison rape these days) but thank you for helping me follow the episode, that was super-kind of you.
Great work, and I love you for giving me my new favorite fruit... the cumquat... *giggle*
love, J-Mo :)
11 of 17 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on September 29, 2008 9:17 AM
OMG, here I was thinking "The Renegades" was a dorky name for an alliance and then comes "The Onion Alliance".
Still chuckling,
Mrs C
12 of 17 | Posted by mrsc | Posted on September 29, 2008 9:43 AM
Both spellings are correct! Wikipedia says so, and we all know Wikipedia is never wrong.
13 of 17 | Posted by schoonie | Posted on September 29, 2008 11:18 AM
First, let me say right off the bat - Crystal, SHUT UP. All of your "its on like Donkey Kong" sayings are making you look like a total idiot cause you aint done a DAYUM thang.
Second - I HEART Ken. The way he tripped over his own feet while walking with Skinny Girl, and him dropping the writing pen - hilarious. Ken for the win!
14 of 17 | Posted by lexxi1129 | Posted on September 29, 2008 1:17 PM
LOL lexxi !!! I can't remember anyone ever dropping the pen before either unless they edited that out. Which they really shouldn't do. Cause if I were ever on Survivor, that'd be me, praying up there, "oh please don't let me do something stoopid like drop the pen!"
15 of 17 | Posted by mrsc | Posted on September 29, 2008 1:49 PM
schoonie, Yes, I checked it there, too, and that's how I learned my new "word of the day"... I had just never seen it spelled that way before, which is why I love it all the more now, and you for bringing it to my semi-addled attention... Trust! It's a positive comment!
love, J-Mo :)
Now I want to go see "Harold and Cumar go to White Castle"...
16 of 17 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on September 29, 2008 3:09 PM
Sorry, didn't mean to get all defensive! I have a spelling fetish.
17 of 17 | Posted by schoonie | Posted on September 29, 2008 3:34 PM