And with that, it's time to head right into this year's first challenge. It's the traditional race to individual immunity idols, but there's a twist: there's an extra bag of food at the end of the course, and the first entire tribe to get there wins it. Jeff gives the go and people take off across the course. Kota pulls way ahead from the beginning, because Gillian is way too slow and when Crystal the Olympic Gold Medalist gets to the hill at the end of the course, she literally has to be pushed up by her ass with the help of her teammates. Marcus and GC get the idols for their respective tribes, but Kota completely destroys Fang and wins the extra food.
After Jeff ribs Fang for sucking (he didn't win that Emmy for being impartial, people), he gives the tribes their flags and maps and sends them off to their camps. After a short walk, the tribes arrive at their camps, which have some run-down huts pre-assembled. I imagine this is due to the fact that there are actual, serious animals all over the place and they'd like them to be sleeping out in the open instead of leaning against a nearby tree. Since there are holes in the roof of the shelters and it's about to rain at Kota, Bob jumps up onto the roof to shore it up. He's pretty much just like Yau-Man, except with a bow tie.
Over at Fang, Gillian is telling everyone that even though today's challenge was a disaster of Ulong-ian proportions, she thinks they did "awesome", and also that they're all "awesome", and they should keep their "awesome spirit" going. First of all, Gillian: I know Barney Stinson, and you, ma'am, are no Barney Stinson. Stop using his terminology. Secondly: Oh my god, HATE. Gillian then tells everyone that there's an African word for fierce, and she makes everyone repeat it with their hands in the center, and that's when I blacked out. Seriously, she cannot be off this show soon enough.
And yet? Here she is, telling the rest of the tribe to keep an eye out for elephant dung, because it burns easily. We get a shot of Gillian in the forest, where she is actively hunting for poop. Like, she is scanning the ground intently. When she eventually finds some (because when you're on the hunt for crap, it's always in the last place you look), she grabs it up with her bare hands and brings it back. I realize that it doesn't pay to be squeamish when playing this game, but I think bringing a big handful of shit back to camp on Day 1 might be a little over the line. It is not often that you can state that people are literally full of shit, and yet: here we are.
Gillian tells everyone that if they would like to eat some of the dookie that she has so graciously collected, they're welcome to do that, because there are things in the poop that are still edible. She goes on at length about seeds in the crap, and how you can squeeze it and drink it, as if she is the Encyclopedia Pooptanica. What she's attempting to say to everyone here is "Look, I am useful! I have read things! This makes me necessary to keep around!" but what she is really saying to everyone is "As long as I am in this game, you will be asked to eat poop."
Meanwhile, Ken and Michelle are off digging into a mound of termites, which they have decided to eat. Ken tells us that girls "don't exactly dig" professional gamers, and that he hasn't kissed a girl since high school, which was 5 years ago to him. This, of course, reminds me of the best line from Thursday's episode of The Office: "What is wrong with these people? They have no willpower. I once went 28 years without having sex. And then AGAIN for seven years."
Over at Kota, Ace is not so subtly delegating tasks to people, one of which is the creation of the tribe latrine. What the hell, is this episode sponsored by Ex-Lax or something? As people go off to dig the shithole, muttering about Ace under their breath, he tells us, "I have no fear of standing up to Jeff and expecting my check for a million dollars." Wait, does Jeff decide who wins the money this season? I had no idea!
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Comments (17)
Thanks Schoon! This line cracked me up:
And that is the story of how the guy who had a lobotomy in the first episode is the best at reading people.
I also loved the photo caption:
Come on, I know curling medalists who would do better at this than you.
This may annoy you, but I have picked Ace before I even saw the first episode to win the whole thing. I like to read the bios and make wacky decisions based on not so much.
Charlie's Crazy Crush is kinda creepy. And can someone please tell Dan to lose the tie? Seeing a tie at tribal council on a dirty nasty shirt is disconcerting. Like you, I was SO GLAD to see Gillian ousted. She was making my brain hurt. The first girl out wasn't too horrible, but she was already so skinny, she probably would have died in two weeks.
Thanks for the recap!
1 of 17 | Posted by geewits | Posted on September 28, 2008 2:49 AM
Hilarious! You really know your Survivor. I enjoyed all the little mentions to previous seasons throughout the recap. Aside from that, I really hope that this season shapes up to be a good one.
PS - Yes, Charlie may be a little creepy, but I find him hilarious. Deal! :)
2 of 17 | Posted by squeedunk | Posted on September 28, 2008 5:26 AM
I really hate it when one of the tribes is so obviously outgunned right at the get-go...takes all the fun out of it. Also because I inevitably feel compelled to root for the underdog, and so far this crew just doesn't have me feeling all rooty-tooty.
This is the first time watching Survivor in real-time, usually I just collect all the episodes and watch them when the season's already done. But I've become such a recap-addict that I can't help myself...Go get 'em Schoon!
Right now I like Bowtie Bob...he seems crafty enough.
3 of 17 | Posted by itchy | Posted on September 28, 2008 10:44 AM
I'm with Itchy. I'm rooting for Bowtie.
I'm still so shocked that they got rid of that bitchy girl first before Gillian. She seemed more than capable. just nuts.
was reading dlisted earlier and it has a post of Marcus running with something something peeking out that CBS didnt' get to censor. LOL.
Looking forward to this season and the accompanying recaps. =D
4 of 17 | Posted by chibby | Posted on September 28, 2008 11:39 AM
I've been reading your recaps for a long time and was finally compelled to leave a comment about the "I'm a lemur!" caption. I laughed helplessly for 5 minutes and eventually had to scroll the page down past the picture in order to read on beause every time I look at it, the giggles started over again. Thanks!
5 of 17 | Posted by Mojo | Posted on September 28, 2008 11:57 AM
I don’t think you will ever top “Encyclopedia Pooptanica”, but I look forward to seeing you try LOL
I’m certain Charlie is very excited about being designated Marcus’s “inner layer.” But I agree…Charlie’s insta-crush creeps me out.
I wonder how Lemur Boy will feel when he’s sees the video for himself.
I like seeing the tie at, Tribal, though. Lends the proceedings an air of…oh, who am I kidding. Never mind.
One last thing…according to “Sugar’s” resume’, she apparently was on “Gilmore Girls.”
6 of 17 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on September 28, 2008 12:04 PM
This caption had me laughing out loud: "Operation: Medulla Oblongata was a complete success". :-)
It must just be something about guys named Dan on reality shows this go round. They all rock! ;-)
7 of 17 | Posted by JustJesse | Posted on September 28, 2008 1:03 PM
Schoonie - it's THONG not FONG! :-)
8 of 17 | Posted by krut | Posted on September 28, 2008 2:56 PM
The Lemur comment with the photo of Randy made me laugh out loud. THAT WAS FUNNY.
Charlie really needs to take it down a notch regarding Marcus cause Marcus isn't that handsome. Charlie needs to get some eye glasses when he gets back to Manhattan.
On the other hand, that Dan...D-A-D-D-Y. I want to be Dan's inner layer.
PMS girl and the old lady - I'm not missing either one of them.
I'm on team RANDY at this point only because of his CBS bio. How can I not like somebody so angry and bitter?
9 of 17 | Posted by Mr Dangerous | Posted on September 29, 2008 7:44 AM
Can't believe you didn't mention how completely obnoxious, even by Gillian standards, Gillian was during the first immunity challenge when even Probst told her to give it a rest with the fanatical cheering. Good thing Randy had that lobotomy or he might have killed her with his bare hands right there.
10 of 17 | Posted by DP Hooker | Posted on September 29, 2008 7:52 AM
I just wanted to say... I've never seen "kumquat" spelled the dirty way before... I liiiiike it! *giggle*
I have never watched this show (I know, it's shocking, especially for us gays because of Richard Hatch and all, but really he's not a reason to watch anything but prison rape these days) but thank you for helping me follow the episode, that was super-kind of you.
Great work, and I love you for giving me my new favorite fruit... the cumquat... *giggle*
love, J-Mo :)
11 of 17 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on September 29, 2008 9:17 AM
OMG, here I was thinking "The Renegades" was a dorky name for an alliance and then comes "The Onion Alliance".
Still chuckling,
Mrs C
12 of 17 | Posted by mrsc | Posted on September 29, 2008 9:43 AM
Both spellings are correct! Wikipedia says so, and we all know Wikipedia is never wrong.
13 of 17 | Posted by schoonie | Posted on September 29, 2008 11:18 AM
First, let me say right off the bat - Crystal, SHUT UP. All of your "its on like Donkey Kong" sayings are making you look like a total idiot cause you aint done a DAYUM thang.
Second - I HEART Ken. The way he tripped over his own feet while walking with Skinny Girl, and him dropping the writing pen - hilarious. Ken for the win!
14 of 17 | Posted by lexxi1129 | Posted on September 29, 2008 1:17 PM
LOL lexxi !!! I can't remember anyone ever dropping the pen before either unless they edited that out. Which they really shouldn't do. Cause if I were ever on Survivor, that'd be me, praying up there, "oh please don't let me do something stoopid like drop the pen!"
15 of 17 | Posted by mrsc | Posted on September 29, 2008 1:49 PM
schoonie, Yes, I checked it there, too, and that's how I learned my new "word of the day"... I had just never seen it spelled that way before, which is why I love it all the more now, and you for bringing it to my semi-addled attention... Trust! It's a positive comment!
love, J-Mo :)
Now I want to go see "Harold and Cumar go to White Castle"...
16 of 17 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on September 29, 2008 3:09 PM
Sorry, didn't mean to get all defensive! I have a spelling fetish.
17 of 17 | Posted by schoonie | Posted on September 29, 2008 3:34 PM