Tonight, on Survivor: our long national nightmare is finally over.
Before we begin, I just want to gently remind everyone not to talk about the finale in the comments of this recap. There'll be another recap for the finale in a few days, and we don't want to spoil anyone. Cool?
On night 33, the final five return to camp. JT and Stephen deliver the news to Coach that his "number one ally was gunning" for him that evening, which is an awesome move as far as getting jury votes goes. Way to appeal to his sense of integrity-honesty, which we learned a couple of weeks ago is apparently one word. "We didn't tell you because we thought you wouldn't believe it until after it happened," they say to him with a straight face, somehow. Coach seems to think that all of the other people on the tribe mounted some sort of counterattack to save him, when, in fact, they found a forty-six year old woman with the math skills of a second grader to be a bigger threat.
"I'm just going to have to ask Stephen and JT when I'm going, because obviously Coach Wade is no longer in control of this game". POP QUIZ, COACH! Name a point at which you were in control of the game. Hint: It's a trick question.
The next morning, Coach corners JT and Stephen, asking them if they'll agree to get rid of Erinn next and then Taj. He proceeds to lobby for them to be sent to Exile Island. "I don't want to go, I feel like I scarred my lungs inhaling smoke from the fire." All of a sudden, he also has asthma and thinks that sending him to Exile Island will make it worse. "I know that's a horrible excuse," he says with more self-awareness than we've seen from him yet. "JT and I are eager to send Coach to Exile," Stephen says. "I'm not entirely sure Coach can build a fire and cook food by himself." I wouldn't worry, Stephen, I bet the guy has had cooking lessons from Julia Child's ghost.
Reward! The first portion is a race through a maze shaped like the word "Survivor". The first person to reach the end of the maze, and then knock down some poles with a bag you retrieve by making a pole wins immunity. Oh, and also everyone's feet will be shackled together. I know, it's complicated.
Trust me when I say that it is also boring. Have you ever watched your overweight cousin with the learning disability take forever to solve the maze on the placemat at Denny's? It's kind of like that, but with more waddling, which I did not think was possible. JT ends up in the lead and then everyone just sort of follows him out. The editors try to make things interesting with lots of split screen, 24 style shenanigans, but it's still people weaving their way through a simple maze. Once JT reaches the end, Probst tells him to "start working on that pole", so we know that his love burns bright as ever.
Coach and JT get about a thirty second head start before the rest of the Survivors get out of the maze, but JT puts his pole together so quickly that he's won the challenge before anyone else can even get started, so he wins the overnight stay.
When it's time to pick someone to go to Exile Island, JT asks for volunteers. Coach refuses to volunteer, so JT calls him out: "Let's be noble Coach, let's do this. You and me are the only two who haven't been, man." Interesting that he gave Coach a choice at first, just to showcase exactly what a poseur he is.
Coach tells Probst that he's going to be taking "the monastic approach" which means he's not going to build a fire, have any water, or eat anything. Erinn has had enough, since this whole thing is obviously meant to cover the fact that Coach can't start a fire. She correctly assesses that what he is doing is taking "the martyr approach" so that he won't have eaten or slept, which will give him an excuse when he inevitably loses the immunity challenge.
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Comments (13)
I read an interview with Probst in which he said that he thinks Coach should have his own reality show. At first I recoiled, but then I thought Jeff's reasoning was sound. His idea is that everybody would love to see Coach negotiating ordinary daily life and would be curious to see if he dates, has friends, if his family thinks he's crazy, etc. I'm sure he would get boring pretty fast, but I'd tune in for a few episodes anyway.
Jeff also said that the actress who plays Pam on The Office emailed him and said that everything that comes out of Coach's mouth could come out of Dwight Shrute's mouth.
I'm not giving away any spoilers, because I read this in Probst's interview: he says that there is a "major betrayal" in tonight's episode. So maybe everybody won't be so darn likable by the end.
I wanna see what question Coach asks the finalists and what he says when he votes.
1 of 13 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on May 17, 2009 6:06 PM
During the immunity challenge when Coach started moaning, I expected him to yell out "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"
2 of 13 | Posted by realitywatcher | Posted on May 17, 2009 6:37 PM
Oh, realitywatcher, that's a good one. lol
3 of 13 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on May 17, 2009 7:44 PM
cattyfan missed the last few moments of the show because cattyfan was busy dancing around cattyfan's kitchen and singing out loud...happy that cattyfan won't have to listen to Ben Wade talk about himself in the third person using made-up nicknames anymore.
KICKED IN THE FACE!!!!!
4 of 13 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on May 17, 2009 8:25 PM
[snort] I'm pretty sure I pointed out the Michael Scott- Coach parallel a couple of weeks ago [snort snort][End Coach Wadishness]
Thanks for "protecting" us from spoilers... I promise I'll watch it today... (ah, it's great to be freelance...)
Oh yeah, has anyone checked out Coach's various quotations to see if they're accurate?
I always wonder about people who can reel off a quote for every occasion. But then, I have the memory of a hummingbird.
5 of 13 | Posted by itchy | Posted on May 18, 2009 12:03 AM
Haha.. great recap!
I almost peed myself at the Probst play by play of the "stick building" during the reward challenge.
Just the visual of Coachs' wobbly, crooked, stick.. compared to JT's straight, strong, stick was hilarious!
Oh how I wish you had put up a screencap of that ..LOL!
6 of 13 | Posted by knackered | Posted on May 18, 2009 12:11 AM
The whole "lets be noble, coach" thing that JT did was even better than you described. When Cooch went to JT and Stephen at the beginning of the episode, Cooch said that the noble thing to do would be for him or JT to go as they were the only ones who hadn't gone yet. So not only did JT give him a chance to volunteer, but he used his own words against him. Awesome!
During the immunity challenge, I also got the christ upon the cross vibe from Cooch's antics. What a douchebag! In typical narcissistic fasion, he had to make the immunity challege about him. JT won and the moment should have been about him NOT Cooch.
Thanks for another great recap, Schoon!
7 of 13 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on May 18, 2009 5:26 AM
schoonie, I can't believe you let Coach turn you into a fan.
Sell out. :P
8 of 13 | Posted by here4beer | Posted on May 18, 2009 6:09 AM
"Hit me with your best shot Pat Benetar"...
KICKED IN THE FACE!
Talk about a guy that you love to hate. I am so glad that they kept him around. He made the show so much better, because of the reactions that he got formthe other players regarding the things that he said...
I think that Taj has played this game great, she and Brendon really had something going when they decided to "turn this game upside down." It worked for Taj, not so much for Brendon.
But I think that JT and Steven's handeling of Coach was truly masterful. After the Tyson blind side and the Debbie blind side, they jsut kept him eating right out of their hands. I would find myself wondering if Coach was really buying into what they were saying or if he was just keeping up with his personna that he created.
I took a few seasons off (the last 2or3) but this is hands down the best season that I have ever watched. And these recaps make these shows that much better.
Can't wait to talk about the finnale...but I will out of respect of the "HONOR" and "INTEGRETY" of the recap.
Rest In Peace mighty Dragon Slayer...
You DOUSHE!
9 of 13 | Posted by v_cap | Posted on May 18, 2009 8:44 AM
Coach is the reason Arrested Development was cancelled??? NOW I HATE HIM! Bgrrrrrrrr!!!!
10 of 13 | Posted by nashuaf | Posted on May 18, 2009 8:45 AM
Schoonie, reading your newfound lovin' for the CoachMaster, I couldn't help but hear SWV's "I'm So Into You" playing in my head.
love, J-Mo :)
11 of 13 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on May 18, 2009 9:11 AM
i read somewhere that when coach returned home, he contued using the dragon cane. ROTFLOL! does this guy have a life?
12 of 13 | Posted by tv freak | Posted on May 18, 2009 2:18 PM
I just read your recap. (I was on vacation. You know, the night this episode aired I checked into a place called the Carlton in Oak Park just to watch it. It was a quarter to 7 and I was willing to check into ANYPLACE that had a TV.)
This was your funniest recap EVER. Why? Because it was about Coach. Mister, you need to work Coach into all your future recaps. He's gold for you. Thanks for all the laughs so early in the morning.
13 of 13 | Posted by Mr Dangerous | Posted on June 3, 2009 8:20 AM