Coach gets all petty as a response, saying that she's being selfish because she wants to have the toughest exile experience and get the most attention. "My body is close to total disaster," he says. "I have discs rupturing and my asthma is choking me, but I don't make any excuses," Coach says after making a bunch of excuses. Taj begins an entire episode of being awesome by launching a monstrous eye roll here. Trust me when I say that it is epic.
"You can throw stones at me, and I go like this," he says, turning his cheek. "Hit me with your best shot, Pat Benetar!" So, so awesome. I have covered this at length elsewhere, but let it be known that I am making this phrase happen. Fetch!
JT takes Stephen with him to the reward, sending Taj and Erinn back to camp. Erinn expresses some guilt about calling Coach out in public, wishing that she had dealt with him in private. Taj is like "Whatever, good for you for calling him out. I'm so ready to send his ass home." The world nods in agreement. "I would hate, hate, hate for anything that I said to knock me out of this game before Coach." I cannot imagine having to deal with him for the entirety of a two hour episode, so if you could refrain from any further vocalization of your opinions, I would appreciate it, Erinn.
And now, the greatest sequence ever aired on this show. The scene: Exile Island. Majestic music swells while Coach treks across the unforgiving sand dunes. Vultures circle overhead, smelling a potential meal. The rest is so mind-blowingly phenomenal that I'm going to need to transcribe it exactly: "All those wishy-washy people at camp with no character. (disgusted snort) Coach Wade's foundation is built on a rock. Inside here? (points to heart) Unbreakable. Unbending. Unyielding. Immeasurable. Immovable. Invincible!"
You guys? I think Coach is maybe awesome. It's official, he has short circuited my brain. He is way, way too priceless to deny any longer. Let us all embrace this together and move forward amicably. It's just easier if you don't resist.
"The Indians would commune with their ancestors in the wilderness for forty-eight hours, and become men. (majestic music stops abruptly) Well, I'm already a man, so this will just make me more of a man, but still. (majestic music starts back up)."
At the top of the dune, Coach says a little prayer to baby Jesus. "Thank you for creating me as an individual. I ask that you would help me to forgive Erinn, as she is back at camp thinking negative thoughts about me." Yeah, but what about the other eleven million of us? I hope you can find the fortitude of character to forgive us as well, as we are heathens, uneducated and ignorant.
I love that even his prayers are self-centered. That is dedication, right there.
Coach he finds a stick and shows it to the camera. "The dragon slayer has his dragon cane!" he says directly into the camera, smiling. With some searching and liberal use of the pause function, you can almost pinpoint the exact moment when Coach turns into Michael Scott. How many times has Michael Scott done something that he expects to be mind blowing and impressive, and then proceeded to look directly into the camera with this exact same mix of obliviousness and pride? I feel like I'm watching an elaborate Ricky Gervais-created comedy sketch right now. In fact, this is the only explanation for what is going on. I have solved the mystery of Coach, everyone.
"I won the argument with Erinn. I don't know if it's because I'm speaking such truth, or if it's because I'm so eloquent that nobody can deny it, but whatever the case, I got the last word." Yes, you did. And, as we all know, having the last word in an argument always equals victory.
In a wide, sweeping shot, Coach does his kata on the sand dune, preparing for the ultimate battle against evil, because it is his destiny to karate chop whatever the opposite of integrity-honesty is. Coach can summarize his experience on Exile Island better than I can, though: "Coach Wade's body might be failing him in many ways, but Coach Wade still has what it takes to outlast anybody here in this environment. Period. Paragraph."
More insurmountable evidence that this is a comedy sketch written by Ricky Gervais: Coach also doesn't know when to stop talking. I swear to God, I've heard Steve Carrell end a talking head with "Period. Paragraph." That is too brilliant not to be cribbed from The Office.
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Comments (13)
I read an interview with Probst in which he said that he thinks Coach should have his own reality show. At first I recoiled, but then I thought Jeff's reasoning was sound. His idea is that everybody would love to see Coach negotiating ordinary daily life and would be curious to see if he dates, has friends, if his family thinks he's crazy, etc. I'm sure he would get boring pretty fast, but I'd tune in for a few episodes anyway.
Jeff also said that the actress who plays Pam on The Office emailed him and said that everything that comes out of Coach's mouth could come out of Dwight Shrute's mouth.
I'm not giving away any spoilers, because I read this in Probst's interview: he says that there is a "major betrayal" in tonight's episode. So maybe everybody won't be so darn likable by the end.
I wanna see what question Coach asks the finalists and what he says when he votes.
1 of 13 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on May 17, 2009 6:06 PM
During the immunity challenge when Coach started moaning, I expected him to yell out "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"
2 of 13 | Posted by realitywatcher | Posted on May 17, 2009 6:37 PM
Oh, realitywatcher, that's a good one. lol
3 of 13 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on May 17, 2009 7:44 PM
cattyfan missed the last few moments of the show because cattyfan was busy dancing around cattyfan's kitchen and singing out loud...happy that cattyfan won't have to listen to Ben Wade talk about himself in the third person using made-up nicknames anymore.
KICKED IN THE FACE!!!!!
4 of 13 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on May 17, 2009 8:25 PM
[snort] I'm pretty sure I pointed out the Michael Scott- Coach parallel a couple of weeks ago [snort snort][End Coach Wadishness]
Thanks for "protecting" us from spoilers... I promise I'll watch it today... (ah, it's great to be freelance...)
Oh yeah, has anyone checked out Coach's various quotations to see if they're accurate?
I always wonder about people who can reel off a quote for every occasion. But then, I have the memory of a hummingbird.
5 of 13 | Posted by itchy | Posted on May 18, 2009 12:03 AM
Haha.. great recap!
I almost peed myself at the Probst play by play of the "stick building" during the reward challenge.
Just the visual of Coachs' wobbly, crooked, stick.. compared to JT's straight, strong, stick was hilarious!
Oh how I wish you had put up a screencap of that ..LOL!
6 of 13 | Posted by knackered | Posted on May 18, 2009 12:11 AM
The whole "lets be noble, coach" thing that JT did was even better than you described. When Cooch went to JT and Stephen at the beginning of the episode, Cooch said that the noble thing to do would be for him or JT to go as they were the only ones who hadn't gone yet. So not only did JT give him a chance to volunteer, but he used his own words against him. Awesome!
During the immunity challenge, I also got the christ upon the cross vibe from Cooch's antics. What a douchebag! In typical narcissistic fasion, he had to make the immunity challege about him. JT won and the moment should have been about him NOT Cooch.
Thanks for another great recap, Schoon!
7 of 13 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on May 18, 2009 5:26 AM
schoonie, I can't believe you let Coach turn you into a fan.
Sell out. :P
8 of 13 | Posted by here4beer | Posted on May 18, 2009 6:09 AM
"Hit me with your best shot Pat Benetar"...
KICKED IN THE FACE!
Talk about a guy that you love to hate. I am so glad that they kept him around. He made the show so much better, because of the reactions that he got formthe other players regarding the things that he said...
I think that Taj has played this game great, she and Brendon really had something going when they decided to "turn this game upside down." It worked for Taj, not so much for Brendon.
But I think that JT and Steven's handeling of Coach was truly masterful. After the Tyson blind side and the Debbie blind side, they jsut kept him eating right out of their hands. I would find myself wondering if Coach was really buying into what they were saying or if he was just keeping up with his personna that he created.
I took a few seasons off (the last 2or3) but this is hands down the best season that I have ever watched. And these recaps make these shows that much better.
Can't wait to talk about the finnale...but I will out of respect of the "HONOR" and "INTEGRETY" of the recap.
Rest In Peace mighty Dragon Slayer...
You DOUSHE!
9 of 13 | Posted by v_cap | Posted on May 18, 2009 8:44 AM
Coach is the reason Arrested Development was cancelled??? NOW I HATE HIM! Bgrrrrrrrr!!!!
10 of 13 | Posted by nashuaf | Posted on May 18, 2009 8:45 AM
Schoonie, reading your newfound lovin' for the CoachMaster, I couldn't help but hear SWV's "I'm So Into You" playing in my head.
love, J-Mo :)
11 of 13 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on May 18, 2009 9:11 AM
i read somewhere that when coach returned home, he contued using the dragon cane. ROTFLOL! does this guy have a life?
12 of 13 | Posted by tv freak | Posted on May 18, 2009 2:18 PM
I just read your recap. (I was on vacation. You know, the night this episode aired I checked into a place called the Carlton in Oak Park just to watch it. It was a quarter to 7 and I was willing to check into ANYPLACE that had a TV.)
This was your funniest recap EVER. Why? Because it was about Coach. Mister, you need to work Coach into all your future recaps. He's gold for you. Thanks for all the laughs so early in the morning.
13 of 13 | Posted by Mr Dangerous | Posted on June 3, 2009 8:20 AM