Which brings me to another point: if Coach was a fictional character instead of a real person, and he starred in a comedy doing these exact same things? That show would be hilarious. I would watch that shit every single week. It would win Emmys. Lots of them.
Over at the reward, Stephen and JT's private plane lands on a little airstrip and they get a tour of the Governor's mansion, which is huge. They see themselves in a mirror for the first time, and they're amazed by their beards and hair, picking at themselves for a few minutes. JT takes a shower and porn music starts playing and he's moaning and stuff. It's...disturbing.
Their feast is a Brazilian barbeque, like one of those steakhouses where you hold the sign up for more food. Who doesn't love a situation where all you have to do is hold a sign up to receive unlimited food? Stephen tells us that he's really enjoying "the meat festival" because it's important to squeeze in as many awkward vaguely sexual phrases as possible, now that it's toward the end of the season. They toast to the final two, which I would say is a bit presumptuous, except that it's totally not. They complain a bit about Erinn's conduct back at the reward challenge, and agree that it kind of makes them want to keep her around less. You're planning on getting rid of her in another three days anyway, what's the point?
Back at Exile Island, Coach lays motionless in the water. "I did not sleep, I did not eat, and I loved every minute of it." He definitely sounds tired, but I don't feel sorry for him. I mean, the man is an idiot. "Marcus Aurelius once said, through our greatest adversities come our greatest successes." I think you might be interpreting that a little too literally, there, Coach. I doubt he means that you are supposed to intentionally punish yourself in order to generate success. Someone's seen Fight Club a few too many times.
Immunity Challenge. Coach hobbles up to the challenge field with his cane all dramatically, and Taj is so over it, again, some more. "Coach is such a drama queen. Any thirty-seven year old man who thinks he's a dragon slayer belongs in an institution." And at that institution, he can inspire others to be great through the majesty of soccer.
The challenge today is to use your arms to brace yourself between two walls, moving every 15 minutes to progressively smaller footholds. The last person standing wins immunity. This looks like it would hurt. A lot. After 15 minutes, no one has fallen so Probst begins to berate people to entertain himself. "Coach, do you think the time you spent on Exile may have 'conveniently' prepared you for a challenge like this?" You know that when Jeff Probst uses finger quotes, you're kind of over the top. I mean, the man is kind of a walking set of finger quotes himself.
"Deep in the pit of every man's stomach, is the feeling that he's no longer going to be invincible," Coach begins, because even the simplest questions need sprawling, majestic, pompous answers. Taj's eyes cross once again. Have you ever been around someone you dislike for so long that you can't even hold back anymore? I think Taj has crossed this line.
At thirty minutes everyone still remains, so everyone as to move down to the final foothold. Erinn drops trying to move, so she's out first. Stephen falls soon after, then Taj, leaving JT and Coach. JT asks Probst to bring out some food, saying that he'll step down. "Well then, you might as well step down, unless you're trying to vote me off tonight," Coach says. JT makes his "Who, me?" face, accusing Coach of not trusting him. Probst calls Coach out here. "You wanted competition against the best, didn't you? Well, you're gonna get it today." I think maybe Probst has crossed the imaginary line, too.
After a little while, Coach starts screaming and crying like a baby, eventually falling and giving JT the win. He passes out on the ground in the fetal position and starts crying, because that is what mighty dragon slayers do when they lose: it is a little known technique to distract the dragon before you stab it in the neck.
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Comments (13)
I read an interview with Probst in which he said that he thinks Coach should have his own reality show. At first I recoiled, but then I thought Jeff's reasoning was sound. His idea is that everybody would love to see Coach negotiating ordinary daily life and would be curious to see if he dates, has friends, if his family thinks he's crazy, etc. I'm sure he would get boring pretty fast, but I'd tune in for a few episodes anyway.
Jeff also said that the actress who plays Pam on The Office emailed him and said that everything that comes out of Coach's mouth could come out of Dwight Shrute's mouth.
I'm not giving away any spoilers, because I read this in Probst's interview: he says that there is a "major betrayal" in tonight's episode. So maybe everybody won't be so darn likable by the end.
I wanna see what question Coach asks the finalists and what he says when he votes.
1 of 13 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on May 17, 2009 6:06 PM
During the immunity challenge when Coach started moaning, I expected him to yell out "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"
2 of 13 | Posted by realitywatcher | Posted on May 17, 2009 6:37 PM
Oh, realitywatcher, that's a good one. lol
3 of 13 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on May 17, 2009 7:44 PM
cattyfan missed the last few moments of the show because cattyfan was busy dancing around cattyfan's kitchen and singing out loud...happy that cattyfan won't have to listen to Ben Wade talk about himself in the third person using made-up nicknames anymore.
KICKED IN THE FACE!!!!!
4 of 13 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on May 17, 2009 8:25 PM
[snort] I'm pretty sure I pointed out the Michael Scott- Coach parallel a couple of weeks ago [snort snort][End Coach Wadishness]
Thanks for "protecting" us from spoilers... I promise I'll watch it today... (ah, it's great to be freelance...)
Oh yeah, has anyone checked out Coach's various quotations to see if they're accurate?
I always wonder about people who can reel off a quote for every occasion. But then, I have the memory of a hummingbird.
5 of 13 | Posted by itchy | Posted on May 18, 2009 12:03 AM
Haha.. great recap!
I almost peed myself at the Probst play by play of the "stick building" during the reward challenge.
Just the visual of Coachs' wobbly, crooked, stick.. compared to JT's straight, strong, stick was hilarious!
Oh how I wish you had put up a screencap of that ..LOL!
6 of 13 | Posted by knackered | Posted on May 18, 2009 12:11 AM
The whole "lets be noble, coach" thing that JT did was even better than you described. When Cooch went to JT and Stephen at the beginning of the episode, Cooch said that the noble thing to do would be for him or JT to go as they were the only ones who hadn't gone yet. So not only did JT give him a chance to volunteer, but he used his own words against him. Awesome!
During the immunity challenge, I also got the christ upon the cross vibe from Cooch's antics. What a douchebag! In typical narcissistic fasion, he had to make the immunity challege about him. JT won and the moment should have been about him NOT Cooch.
Thanks for another great recap, Schoon!
7 of 13 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on May 18, 2009 5:26 AM
schoonie, I can't believe you let Coach turn you into a fan.
Sell out. :P
8 of 13 | Posted by here4beer | Posted on May 18, 2009 6:09 AM
"Hit me with your best shot Pat Benetar"...
KICKED IN THE FACE!
Talk about a guy that you love to hate. I am so glad that they kept him around. He made the show so much better, because of the reactions that he got formthe other players regarding the things that he said...
I think that Taj has played this game great, she and Brendon really had something going when they decided to "turn this game upside down." It worked for Taj, not so much for Brendon.
But I think that JT and Steven's handeling of Coach was truly masterful. After the Tyson blind side and the Debbie blind side, they jsut kept him eating right out of their hands. I would find myself wondering if Coach was really buying into what they were saying or if he was just keeping up with his personna that he created.
I took a few seasons off (the last 2or3) but this is hands down the best season that I have ever watched. And these recaps make these shows that much better.
Can't wait to talk about the finnale...but I will out of respect of the "HONOR" and "INTEGRETY" of the recap.
Rest In Peace mighty Dragon Slayer...
You DOUSHE!
9 of 13 | Posted by v_cap | Posted on May 18, 2009 8:44 AM
Coach is the reason Arrested Development was cancelled??? NOW I HATE HIM! Bgrrrrrrrr!!!!
10 of 13 | Posted by nashuaf | Posted on May 18, 2009 8:45 AM
Schoonie, reading your newfound lovin' for the CoachMaster, I couldn't help but hear SWV's "I'm So Into You" playing in my head.
love, J-Mo :)
11 of 13 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on May 18, 2009 9:11 AM
i read somewhere that when coach returned home, he contued using the dragon cane. ROTFLOL! does this guy have a life?
12 of 13 | Posted by tv freak | Posted on May 18, 2009 2:18 PM
I just read your recap. (I was on vacation. You know, the night this episode aired I checked into a place called the Carlton in Oak Park just to watch it. It was a quarter to 7 and I was willing to check into ANYPLACE that had a TV.)
This was your funniest recap EVER. Why? Because it was about Coach. Mister, you need to work Coach into all your future recaps. He's gold for you. Thanks for all the laughs so early in the morning.
13 of 13 | Posted by Mr Dangerous | Posted on June 3, 2009 8:20 AM