Once Coach gets up, he hobbles over to a stone with a hump in his back, saying that it started seizing up. Probst asks Coach if he wants medical to look at it, and Coach says no because he doesn't want to be taken out of the game. Taj? Rolls her eyes again.
I have a friend who has had some back problems, and she has presented some pretty insurmountable evidence against Coach. I'm not saying he's lying, but if your back were seizing up, sitting on a rock with your knees close to your chest is not the best approach unless you want to pass out due to pain.
Back at camp, Erinn is pissed at Coach again, because he walks into the challenge like he can barely move, and then he's standing on the platform for an hour. Taj and Erinn call bullshit on Coach in about twelve different ways, and it is awesome. Their complaints include: He wouldn't let medical take a look at him because there's obviously nothing wrong, he's constantly begging for attention, he's making excuses for losing, he's now walking around camp like he's fine all of a sudden. Also, Coach started the California wildfires, created Crystal Pepsi, and is the reason why Arrested Development got cancelled.
Meanwhile, Coach is telling JT how honored he was by the defeat and the way he went down. Really, you were honored by the way you went down? Because to me you looked like a five year old. JT and Stephen tell Coach they're leaning towards getting rid of Erinn, because they were really unhappy about how she was speaking at the reward challenge. I'm not sure why what Erinn did is any different than what Coach has been doing to everyone, all of the time, since the beginning of episode one.
Stephen notes that JT is going to vote for Erinn because he promised Coach, and Taj and Erinn are voting for him, so he's the swing vote. Coach says that he's just going to have to trust his allies. "I've surrounded myself with strong players, and that hasn't backfired on me yet," he says. I'm pretty sure that your own hubris, pride and ineptitude with people have made you appealing to keep around, but it's cool, let's pretend that it's the people.
Tribal Council. A newly be-Debbie'd jury enters. Probst asks Erinn about Coach's stay on Exile. She's still angry, talking about how what he did and how he acted minimized the suffering that others (read: Erinn herself) underwent. Probst asks if part of her resentment stems from a desire not to be upstaged. Erinn is like "of course", which is interesting. "Going to Exile absolutely sucked," she says. "So why the hell is he acting all excited?" Because it's annoying you? I'm pretty sure that's the only reason. Deep down inside, Coach is one giant five year old.
"Sometimes men drop a pebble and women see a boulder," Coach says, which is offensive in about ten different ways. Probst asks Coach if tonight's vote will be a surprise. "No, because women have great intuition." What is this, Coach Wade's Sexist Variety Hour?
Probst says it's time to vote, but before he can proceed, Coach interrupts and says that he wrote a poem for everyone. Probst nods begrudgingly, because he knows this is going to be awesome, which it is. Then Coach proceeds to unleash this gem upon us:
With friend and foe we march to the battle plain
Some to seek success, others to seek fame
We play with honor for the love of this game
And with armor or without, we will toil in vain
So that someday, someone somewhere will remember our name
That? Is a masterpiece. I'm just disappointed that it wasn't written in iambic pentameter. The jury's reaction to all this is just as priceless:
"Can't think of a better way to lead us into the vote," Probst says, tired of him and ready to move on. Erinn votes for Coach. "Dragon slayed," she says, and you can tell that she's just been itching to do this for awhile. Probst returns with the votes. He notes that this is the last chance to use the hidden immunity idol, but Taj chooses not to play it. Why wouldn't she give it to Erinn or something, just for the hell of it?
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Comments (13)
I read an interview with Probst in which he said that he thinks Coach should have his own reality show. At first I recoiled, but then I thought Jeff's reasoning was sound. His idea is that everybody would love to see Coach negotiating ordinary daily life and would be curious to see if he dates, has friends, if his family thinks he's crazy, etc. I'm sure he would get boring pretty fast, but I'd tune in for a few episodes anyway.
Jeff also said that the actress who plays Pam on The Office emailed him and said that everything that comes out of Coach's mouth could come out of Dwight Shrute's mouth.
I'm not giving away any spoilers, because I read this in Probst's interview: he says that there is a "major betrayal" in tonight's episode. So maybe everybody won't be so darn likable by the end.
I wanna see what question Coach asks the finalists and what he says when he votes.
1 of 13 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on May 17, 2009 6:06 PM
During the immunity challenge when Coach started moaning, I expected him to yell out "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"
2 of 13 | Posted by realitywatcher | Posted on May 17, 2009 6:37 PM
Oh, realitywatcher, that's a good one. lol
3 of 13 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on May 17, 2009 7:44 PM
cattyfan missed the last few moments of the show because cattyfan was busy dancing around cattyfan's kitchen and singing out loud...happy that cattyfan won't have to listen to Ben Wade talk about himself in the third person using made-up nicknames anymore.
KICKED IN THE FACE!!!!!
4 of 13 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on May 17, 2009 8:25 PM
[snort] I'm pretty sure I pointed out the Michael Scott- Coach parallel a couple of weeks ago [snort snort][End Coach Wadishness]
Thanks for "protecting" us from spoilers... I promise I'll watch it today... (ah, it's great to be freelance...)
Oh yeah, has anyone checked out Coach's various quotations to see if they're accurate?
I always wonder about people who can reel off a quote for every occasion. But then, I have the memory of a hummingbird.
5 of 13 | Posted by itchy | Posted on May 18, 2009 12:03 AM
Haha.. great recap!
I almost peed myself at the Probst play by play of the "stick building" during the reward challenge.
Just the visual of Coachs' wobbly, crooked, stick.. compared to JT's straight, strong, stick was hilarious!
Oh how I wish you had put up a screencap of that ..LOL!
6 of 13 | Posted by knackered | Posted on May 18, 2009 12:11 AM
The whole "lets be noble, coach" thing that JT did was even better than you described. When Cooch went to JT and Stephen at the beginning of the episode, Cooch said that the noble thing to do would be for him or JT to go as they were the only ones who hadn't gone yet. So not only did JT give him a chance to volunteer, but he used his own words against him. Awesome!
During the immunity challenge, I also got the christ upon the cross vibe from Cooch's antics. What a douchebag! In typical narcissistic fasion, he had to make the immunity challege about him. JT won and the moment should have been about him NOT Cooch.
Thanks for another great recap, Schoon!
7 of 13 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on May 18, 2009 5:26 AM
schoonie, I can't believe you let Coach turn you into a fan.
Sell out. :P
8 of 13 | Posted by here4beer | Posted on May 18, 2009 6:09 AM
"Hit me with your best shot Pat Benetar"...
KICKED IN THE FACE!
Talk about a guy that you love to hate. I am so glad that they kept him around. He made the show so much better, because of the reactions that he got formthe other players regarding the things that he said...
I think that Taj has played this game great, she and Brendon really had something going when they decided to "turn this game upside down." It worked for Taj, not so much for Brendon.
But I think that JT and Steven's handeling of Coach was truly masterful. After the Tyson blind side and the Debbie blind side, they jsut kept him eating right out of their hands. I would find myself wondering if Coach was really buying into what they were saying or if he was just keeping up with his personna that he created.
I took a few seasons off (the last 2or3) but this is hands down the best season that I have ever watched. And these recaps make these shows that much better.
Can't wait to talk about the finnale...but I will out of respect of the "HONOR" and "INTEGRETY" of the recap.
Rest In Peace mighty Dragon Slayer...
You DOUSHE!
9 of 13 | Posted by v_cap | Posted on May 18, 2009 8:44 AM
Coach is the reason Arrested Development was cancelled??? NOW I HATE HIM! Bgrrrrrrrr!!!!
10 of 13 | Posted by nashuaf | Posted on May 18, 2009 8:45 AM
Schoonie, reading your newfound lovin' for the CoachMaster, I couldn't help but hear SWV's "I'm So Into You" playing in my head.
love, J-Mo :)
11 of 13 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on May 18, 2009 9:11 AM
i read somewhere that when coach returned home, he contued using the dragon cane. ROTFLOL! does this guy have a life?
12 of 13 | Posted by tv freak | Posted on May 18, 2009 2:18 PM
I just read your recap. (I was on vacation. You know, the night this episode aired I checked into a place called the Carlton in Oak Park just to watch it. It was a quarter to 7 and I was willing to check into ANYPLACE that had a TV.)
This was your funniest recap EVER. Why? Because it was about Coach. Mister, you need to work Coach into all your future recaps. He's gold for you. Thanks for all the laughs so early in the morning.
13 of 13 | Posted by Mr Dangerous | Posted on June 3, 2009 8:20 AM