
This week, Survivor is back! Unfortunately, that also means that Coach is back.
After weeks of waiting, we return to Jalapao on night 15. It's been longer than 15 nights since this show was last on, so I guess these people know that for every night of Coach they make us watch, they have to give us a night off. Thanks, CBS! JT gets us back up to speed on what happened three weeks ago, noting that Jalapao is down five members to Timbira's six, so all they can do is how to go into the merge tied at five.
Sydney, who is worried that she'll go home if they lose again, talks to Joe about whether they can kick Taj out next time. She figures that the boys will all stick together, so it's got to be her or Taj. Joe admits that he's "got a little thing" for Sydney, so that somehow she's safe. So what, Joe calls the shots at Jalapao all of a sudden? I don't really view him as having any sort of influence. Also, everyone's got a thing for Sydney. I mean, look at her. There are species of plant life that have a thing for Sydney.

Sigh. I guess we have to check on Timbira too. We open on Debra sticking her fingers in her mouth, so that bodes well for this episode. Timbira is cooking beans, and because Coach likes them to be softer, he adds a bunch of dirty river water to the beans, which seems both sanitary and delicious, doesn't it? Debra is suitably disgusted, noting that now they're all going to have to wait another six minutes so that the water (and beans) are safe to eat. Of course, Coach immediately faults them all for not having enough willpower to wait so that the beans taste good. Yes, everyone but Coach is a giant weakling, because they don't want to wait around and wait an extra six minutes for tainted food. Pussies!
To make matters worse, a storm is coming, so now instead of being full and dry, Timbira is hungry and wet, and Coach is directly at fault. Coach, of course, thinks they're all being babies. Instead of staying out in the rain to rectify his error, Coach just sort of...follows them into the shelter and leaves the beans out in the rain to burn. "It's just another one of those classic 'Coach moments'," Brendan says with finger quotes, becoming the only person in the history of this show to use finger quotes in an appropriate fashion.
So Coach allows the beans that he kept from cooking to burn out in the rain, making this show sort of like MacArthur Park, except with beans instead of a cake, but everyone has hair from the seventies, so it's all pretty much the same.

After it stops raining, everyone scurries out to eat the food, which is now burned beyond belief. Like, people are scraping disgusting burned bean chunks off of the bottom of the pot and eating them. It looks a little like your kitchen sink after you've left the dishes there for a few days. Everyone is understandably angry at Coach, who looks at all of them like they're gum that he just stepped in. Instead of apologizing like he should, because people like Coach can never apologize ever, he continues to talk down to them for deigning to be unhappy about their situation.
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Comments (21)
To answer your oft asked question, "Where do these people get this stuff to make the idols?", Probst says on his blog that the camps & challenges are purposely decorated with all kinds of doo-dads for just that reason. They love it when fake idols are made.
Anysnore, yup, Joe's boring and Taj can't keep her piehole shut.
1 of 21 | Posted by shantigal | Posted on April 6, 2009 9:55 PM
Sydney's supposed charms escaped me -- sure, she's pretty enough, but boring as all hell. I'm certain she's the type to just lie there waiting, taking a very very long time of it and making only very very quiet sighing sounds when (if) she's finally done. In other words, why even bother.
Sierra's much much hotter. You just know she's the type to move your head around to exactly where she needs it to be.
Which has me rooting for her team, even though that also means I'm rooting for Coach. And Debra. And Tyson (who I find almost as unlikable as Coach in his own way).
Still, if they get rid of Coach, the whole show might just collapse in on itself, as everyone falls asleep, camera crew, sound guys, prop crews, etc...it's just not happening this season. Maybe it's the editing? Everything just seems tired.
And let's face facts, here. Taj is an idiot. It's the only explanation.
I like Stephen -- well, I will like Stephen if and when he drops the other shoe (in confessional) and admits that this naive bumbling city kid routine is just an act.
2 of 21 | Posted by itchy | Posted on April 6, 2009 11:55 PM
Coach annoys me to no end. I know he keeps the show from being boring, but he is so outrageous, it almost makes me long for boring. And what's with the name "Coach"? What is that fuckers real name? I would not call him Coach. I would totally call him by his real name which I'm sure is Melvin or Herman. Coach sucks bung.
Joe needed to quit thinking with his cock. Yes, Sydney was pretty, but how far was that going to get him. Not far at all!!! I actually want to see Joe or Coach go next. Preferably Coach.
3 of 21 | Posted by Reesewitherspoon | Posted on April 7, 2009 1:49 AM
Once again, Coach does as little as possible in the challenges. Can't wait for the merger when this giant tool HAS to participate in ALL the challenges. Then we'll see some major failures from Coach, you betcha. I hate him, I hate him, I hate him.
4 of 21 | Posted by briar | Posted on April 7, 2009 3:24 AM
Ben maybe? I think that fuckers real name is Ben.
5 of 21 | Posted by Tadow | Posted on April 7, 2009 3:55 AM
Wow...never knew Reese Witherspoon used such language! lol You go, Girl! I agree with everything she says, though. His name IS Ben...but I'd have to call him "Benji" just for the hell of it.
6 of 21 | Posted by Southern_Essence | Posted on April 7, 2009 6:10 AM
I can't stand Coach but his entertainment value keeps me hoping he sticks around (so long as he has 0% chance of winning this thing.) As previous posts have already stated, this season seems a little... sedated... so anything that keeps the curiosity piqued is a good thing. Yes, even (ugh) Coach.
Hopefully there will be a little Probst-mindfucks-Joe-and-tosses-the-fake-idol-into-the-fire action. I don't like him.
7 of 21 | Posted by Firthguy | Posted on April 7, 2009 6:24 AM
I would call him Benjamin every chance I get because I hate that name, and no that is not my name.
8 of 21 | Posted by Firthguy | Posted on April 7, 2009 6:26 AM
Schoonie, Schoonie, Schoonie: Love your recaps, but your take on hockey is way off the mark. Hockey is the LEAST boring sport there is. Some feel that low scoring equals boring. Not true. Maybe if each goal was worth six points it would change that erroneous perception. It's a completely fast-paced and amazing game.
But you're right about Joe. Most of this entire season is a big snoozefest. I keep waiting for something exciting to happen. I thought Taj was going to rock the place, but she seems to be slowy devolving. Maybe everyone's just trying to stay "under the radar" until the merge. Please, somebody step up and save this season!
9 of 21 | Posted by xqzmoi | Posted on April 7, 2009 7:25 AM
RE: "He thanks her by creating this amazingly awkward moment where he tries to hold her hand and wrap her up in his arms, and it's just scarily sad for both of them when she locks her arms together and looks beyond uncomfortable. The only thing that could have made this more awkward is the inclusion of a pencil moustache and a tank top."
This could have been a lot more uncomfortable if COACH had been doing it instead of JOE. Ewwww.
I can't believe COACH is getting any. I can't believe any woman would be so desperate to buy into COACH's Rico Suave crap. I bet even crack whores say NO to COACH. I suspect crack whores would rather go through withdrawal than have sex with coach.
BTW: Reese Witherspoon every time you use language like that all the straightee men "touch themselves" inappropriately.
Think about it before you use the C-word again.
10 of 21 | Posted by Mr Dangerous | Posted on April 7, 2009 8:19 AM
I will be humming MacArthur's Park all day now...
I have also begun plotting an appropriate revenge...perhaps creating a looped recording of Coach's most pithy and deep thoughts to play softly in your ear at night while you sleep would be a fair retaliation. You'll find yourself quoting him in no time...
11 of 21 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on April 7, 2009 9:07 AM
I loathe when people say they peed their pants or sprayed coffee on their monitor in regards to a clever recapper's comment. But this, sir, may well have warranted either or both of those reactions: "It's sort of like watching Hitler run through the sprinkler."
LOL, indeed.
12 of 21 | Posted by zbird | Posted on April 7, 2009 9:38 AM
Heh heh, Mr. Dangerous...it's like you're looking through a glazed window wondering just what the heck is going on in there. ;-D
But you perhaps haven't seen The Pickup Artist. The 'Jeff Probst' of that show is probably Coach's hero.
13 of 21 | Posted by itchy | Posted on April 7, 2009 9:50 AM
Itchy,
I have not seen The Pickup Artist but I'll rent it to find out what you're alluding to.
14 of 21 | Posted by Mr Dangerous | Posted on April 7, 2009 10:05 AM
It's a television show--it was on VH1 so you can probably still watch episodes at their site.
Brace yourself. :-p
15 of 21 | Posted by itchy | Posted on April 7, 2009 12:23 PM
Schoonie, I didn't piss myself or spew anything on the computer, but I did almost choke on a stray Chee-to at the "shrub in the corner of the shot" screencap. Thank you for that.
One thing I am confused (and ashamed) by, I didn't get the thing about the pigs and the barricades at all... normally I can follow you, but you kinda left me in the dust here: "When Coach drops a pig, both teams are tied at thirteen with ten seconds left in the game, and then Tyson makes a last minute throw to Coach, he rubs it in and Timbira wins the reward." Were they supposed to throw the pigs THROUGH the barricade? Where did Coach rub this pig? Is the pig okay? Can he sue the Coach? I'm getting a headache.
Anyhow, the rest of it I pretty much understood, nice job, bugaboo!
love, J-Mo :)
16 of 21 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on April 7, 2009 12:48 PM
P.S. Mr. Dangerous, actually the Internet Sensation recapped Season Two of "The Pickup Artist" on VH1, there's an archive over her work here.
love, J-Mo :)
17 of 21 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on April 7, 2009 12:50 PM
Great recap Schoonie. I spit coffee all over my cheetos while peeing my pants.
Does this coach character remind you a little of that guy (Shane? Was that his name? The skinny dude a couple of seasons back that had a son/tattoo named Boston and made a Blackberry out of a stick). Anyway, it's too bad Sydney had to go. She was, uh, fun to watch. Itchy: are you out of your mind? Sierra over Sydney? I don't get it.
Off topic: does anyone know why nobody's capping Dancing with the Stars?
18 of 21 | Posted by Timberwolf | Posted on April 8, 2009 8:34 AM
Timberwolf, Yes he was Shane.
I find it so ironic that Taj's careless hiding of the idol saved her from using the idol...if you think about it, Taj probably would have gone home if JT hadn't aligned with Taj and Steve.
19 of 21 | Posted by tv freak | Posted on April 8, 2009 11:21 AM
Timberrrr!
It's simple:
Shots of Sierra quite often require a blurred out spot in a strategically located position.
Sydney wore a guy's boxer shorts.
20 of 21 | Posted by itchy | Posted on April 8, 2009 11:49 AM
I must say her "idol" looked like crap. If I found it I would think it real until proven otherwise... But it still looks fake and crappy.
21 of 21 | Posted by gsensel | Posted on April 13, 2009 7:39 PM