I'm dreading the next episode. Coach will be full of self-smug BS, and Tyson will be bullying Sierra.

There's also one thing that struck me as very odd: so JT and Stephen vote Brendan, sure. But why did Taj join in? That's still something I want to know.

Great recap Schoonie!

I don't have much time - I've been captured by giants who force me to sing arias every morning, while threatening to eat my ears. I've been able to wear through the golden dental floss they use to bind me, but had to stop and read your recap first!

I think Coach had a dream one night that combined The Last of the Mohicans, The Emerald Forest, and Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory. And when he woke up, he knew it to be true. And as the chosen one, he has used this story to spread his message of hope: "No matter how bad things are, they can always get worse." So uplifting, so inspiring. What a brave, brave man.

The line from Forgetting Sarah Marshall was priceless and dead-on. And I loved the Karate Kid reference!

Thanks for the laughs before a drudge of a day!

SWAK, PottyMouth

Sorry, I don't have much time either, because Rod Blago just called me? And he wants me to represent him at his hearing. When we're done he promised me a job as head of the Illinois state lottery and he said I can rig it so whoever I want wins. This is gonna be awesome! A documentary crew wanted to follow me in my new job but I told them NO WAY because it might compromise my identity.

But anyway, great recap!

Schoonie:

Another great recap! Re-reading it, I was struck by something that eluded me in watching it.

When Coach said "the natives were talking about eating me" - how did he know? Is he suddenly conversant in indigenous tribal languages, especially isolated Amazonian tribes that apparently had little or no contact with the outside world?

Oh, wait, those language skills must have been passed down verbally by the Dali Lama when he taught Coach that ancient tibetan martial art.

I may be in the minority, but I LOVE coach! I was laughing so hard this episode, that tears were rolling down my face. This guy is gold. Loved the line "you can't google it, it's passed down verbally." My husband and I can't stop using it. Another good one--Brendan "None of us has done this before" Coach "I have". Love this guy. I hope they keep Coach around a long time--he is hilarious!

Ow, my sides hurt from holding in the laughing, Schoonie! Then episode was painful to begin with.

About Coach's Escape From The Midget Amazon: I imagine the prospect of eating Coach's asshole proved too much for the little guys, what with where to start and the distinct lack of HazMat gear in Peruvian rain forests making such an endeavor tricksy for even the most stalwart 4 ft tall arsehole-eating midget. Perhaps they found the idea of spelunking for Coach's sphincter not to their taste. Even 4 ft tall Peruvian arse cannibals have standards, ya'll.

Then again, I bet they weren't arse cannibals at all. In fact, I bet what the "Indian" tribe was saying was something like:

Midget Warrior 1: "Guys, what do we do with this gigantic asshole now that we have him? He hasn't shut up since he's got here and his head is too high up to gag him.

Midget Warrior 2: "Let's feed the asshole to a croc or shark."

Midget Warrior 1 (morosely): "Not even a shark or crocodile would want to eat this asshole."

Wise Midget Chief: "Not to worry all. I made sure Bob tied him up real loose so he can escape. Let's play craps until the moron escapes and then see if he stumbles into the piranhas. 10-to-1 they get his arsehole first."

And then the bets were on about what part of Coach the fish would eat first (piranha are notoriously less picky then sharks/alligators/cannibal midgets about eating assholes).

Of course Coach with his tremendous foreign language skills was only able to understand "eat" and "asshole" and ASSumed to was about his ass because that's what asses like him do: assume it is all about them. Awesome.

Sad to see Brendan go, but not really. Must be nice to say, "I'm tired of hanging around all these idiots. Now that I'm part of the jury, I think I'll go hang out in a mosquito-free hotel until the final jury and then cause a little havoc." Pssh.

P.S.: "A big wooden head is what you have here; look in the gap you'll find in the rear."

Hah. Even the writers are after Coach's asshole.

here4beer...when Blago called, did he mention he had been cast in NBC's "I'm a celebrity...get me out of her"? Yeah...it would have been good, but Blago already sold his spot. To Coach's asshole.

Anyway...great recap! Except I still loathe Coach and Tyson. Who told them bullying and abusing a young woman was a good thing? Poor Sierra (and I used to not like her.) I actually can't stand watching Coach anymore. He should be institutionalized, he's so delusional. but sadly, after this show, I'm sure he'll have a healthy and lucrative 15 minutes...because, yes...there are people stupid enough to swallow his idiocy.

Schoon: as usual... wicked awesome. The part about the hurricane being after Coach's asshole...oh, my sides!

Jennaboa: excellent pontification on Coach. He IS comedy gold! I think we've all known some self-deluded person like him. It's just really awkward when there's one on national TV trying to shovel this BS into the collective mouths of the nation.

I kinda liked Brendan. He seemed to have no guile in him (let's bring back the word "guile" into today's lexicon!). I was pretty disappointed when Coach didn't get voted out, not so much because I want to see Coach leave, but more so because the editors played up the god-complexes of coach and Tyson sooooo much, that it would have been haha-funny.

I usually don't watch the challenges but I think I remember someone always pointing out in the comments that Coach never does anything at the challenges. So I watched this time and what do you know-- again Coach does nothing at the challenge.

I kind of got caught up in rooting for Brendan (even though he's a sucky player, made tons of stupid mistakes). But as it came down to it I found myself not wanting Coach to go just yet.

Because he's a clown, that's why. And so far he's been fueling the interest of this season.

Even though...well, the focus on Coach has made this a far different Survivor from other seasons--and not in a good way. The show's starting to resemble a sitcom , "That Darn Coach," not Survivor.

Which is why we have no idea why everyone hated/feared Brendan. And why they all seem to hate Sierra so much. And also why the challenges are all so ho-hum to watch too.

Still, the surest bet to win seems to be to bring Coach to the final two --which is possibly what he's playing for? Maybe he's playing everyone for suckers? Wouldn't that be awesome?

Although I mentioned before that I knew a conductor and he lived just as far up inside his own asshole as Coach seems to.

I really hope Sierra can figure out how to stay -- and hopefully kick Tyson in the nuts in the process. That guy's getting really annoying. Even more than Coach.

Wait, Schoonie. Are you saying that Coach to become the next Evel Douche? Excuse me, Evel Dick? If so, this could be worse than Big Brother 8.

What happened to:

CONTEST IN THE COMMENTS! Name me something that is more interesting than Joe, and be funny. The winning entry gets published in next week;s recap.

??

I can't stand Coach, and that episode just turned my stomach. Anyone that lies about having cancer is a vile shit stain of a human being.

And I don't even know if I can sit through this week's one. Seeing Tyson act so horrible to Sierra for no reason just because he can...I don't know. It just comes off worse than any other reality show asshole I've seen, and I've seen a lot of shows lol.

I hope those two go down in flames. I also hope the rest of the tribe gets disgusted by Tyson talking to Sierra that way and turns on them. That might be the only reason why I'll watch it.

I'm so glad Coach didn't get eliminated. I was hoping he would but really come on... this season would be less entertaining when he goes.
About Sierra.. I've been somewhat rooting for her but maybe she's getting a good edit since Jeff Probst has been hinting at her marrying a producer of the show after filming was done.

We will never be rid of Coach. His future in commercials is a given. He will appear in Massengale disposable douche commercials ala Fabio, all pony-tailed down wind from a middle-aged Lifetime b-actress reject commenting on the "freshness" of her being. He will also become the poster boy for Preparation-H complete with an Amazon montage of sweet cream relief after fighting off arsehole eating midgets.

Schoonie, Jeff Probst said that same thing about Coach and the Renaissance fairs in his blog, but it's gotta be true...and also he had a part in there about how Coach's tattoos seem new b/c the ink isn't at all faded and that he probably got the tattoos before he came on Survivor, which also would be hilarious. Oh Coach...I hate you but your stories get more & more ridiculous and it's awesome. I think my favorites were the "I have" from the challenge and his reference that "you can't google it"...he must have a word limit that he has to hit each day because he is always talking! I don't get the Sierra & Brendan hate either.

And Jennaboa your candiru fish comment from last week had me LOL'ing for a while!

Not to mention that you CAN google Chongg Ran -- it's from a fantasy novel, obviously.

I'm really hoping Coach is going to give us a big 'gotcha' moment.

Excellent recap as usual Schoonie =)

Yeah, so I forgot all about the results of that contest! Thanks for pointing that out, Clair. I'll throw it in next week.

LNNC92: I don't read the Probst blogs because he makes my sinus cavities shrivel up, but the fact that I wrote something that he also thought up will give me nightmares.

To the rest of you: I don't think I've ever laughed this hard at the comment section of my recaps, including last week. Bravo, to all of you!

And did you guys see that Julie Chen is pregnant? I cannot wait to make lots of robo-baby jokes.

pixi-stix i agree with you and i think i have figured out a way to solve my problem - i will be dvring suvivor and ff till the end to see if either of the evil duo is voted off. ofcourse i will always read shoonies recaps but life is way to short to invite those two p.o.s's in to my living room each week.

pixi-stix, when did coach say he has cancer? as if he couldn't get any worse...

Can't wait til Coach gets his...either when he's voted out, or when he makes F2 and the jury rips him to shreds

The Great Pumpkin comment had me rolling.

This is straight from the CBS website:

"If Benjamin was asked to wear just one hat, it would be that of "Renaissance Man." Aside from setting the world record for the longest solo kayak expedition on the ocean (an amazing 6,132 miles), Wade has also been attacked by a tiger shark, stalked by a jaguar in the Amazon and has been bitten by a piranha on his right hand. To say that he is a Type A, Alpha male, who likes to control the environment around him may just be an understatement. Coach's dominant personality will be a force to be reckoned with in the game".

You know he told the producers this load of crap to get on the show and they knew he would be a giant douche once he made it on. They are sooo loving this right now. It's also hillarious that Coach himself considers himself to be a "Renaissance Man".

I like these quotes from news-leader .com

"I'm going to be the next big thing on the big screen," Wade said in a phone interview.

and

He said he hopes to be on an all-star series of "Survivor" and that he'd like to host his own TV program, "The Coach Wade Show."

Oh, if there's an all-star season, he'll be there. He won't last long, but he'll be there.

leslie_pcc: "Yada, yada, yada, ... [Coach]has been bitten by a piranha on his right hand."

See, told ya piranhas aren't as picky as sharks. ;)

From that same blurb: "Benjamin Wade is known by many names. As the head women's soccer coach at the Southwest Baptist University in Missouri, he is called 'Coach Wade,' but he also goes by 'Maestro' due to role as an artistic director and conductor of a California symphony orchestra. A skilled musician, Benjamin was traveling the world playing the trumpet before most kids could even spell 'trumpet.'"

Heh. I doubt Coach can spell 'trumpet.'

Oh, you'd be wrong, jennaboa.

Because Coach invented the trumpet.

Honestly, now that both alliances seem to want to target one another, it seems like someone like Erinn can glide in and win the game. I'd rather see someone with no discernible alliance (Joe doesn't count!) and point out to the jury that you can win the game of Survivor without an actual alliance and not be a coattail rider. In my fantasy, this might start a new trend in the game and might remove Hatch's shit stain of needing an alliance to carry you to the end.

In the end, Brendan dug his own grave by not speaking to Taj post-merge. Had he done so, Taj would have let Stephen know, who would have let J.T. know. Ultimately, I see Stephen turning on Taj in favor of J.T. Tyson and Coach will fall, since only the Jalapao HII will now be in play.

Slutty, I'm sure you're right about Stephen turning on Taj and siding with JT. Guys always team up with guys, It's some misogynistic thing they've got going.

I think Coach is so silly and assy that he is beyond being a target, a villain, or even evil. Tyson is really icky and seems to have some woman-hate going on--I don't think he gets much, if any. (Actually, Coach probably doesn't either, but he only wants to have sex with himself, so it's all good to him.)

Tyson is the biggest threat--the first time he loses an immunity challenge, they have to get rid of him.

Why is Debbie in Coach's circle and not Brendan? 1) She buys Coach's BS (for the most part), 2) She has a big chest.

Brendan was a bad player and I didn't like his "I'm above all this, so I am going to win it for JT." Why, is JT incapable of winning it for himself? (I don't think so; he is probably the most liked player in the game.) And secondly, why not win the money and give it to the poor?

I'm going to give Stephen the benefit of the doubt and think there's there's no women-hate going on there -- it's more that, for one, he's sincerely bonded with JT and is in heterosexual man-love (which happens more often than you think), and for two...that he recognizes that Taj is a shitty player and will soon become a liability.

Besides, he needs to get rid of her before she demands to have the idol back.

I would have respected Brendan playing for JT to win -- since he doesn't need the coin (at least, for the moment--we'll see if how his burrito venture pans out...), it would have added a subversive element to the game. But that attitude is probably what got him kicked off so quickly.

Wow...31 comments already. Wonder if anyone will read mine at this point?

Well, once again Coach sucks at the immunity challenge although he did manage to do ok in the reward challenge. Of course that's because according to him he's participated in tile breaking challenges before, so, there ya go.

As much as I truly hate coach (tried to change my screen name to ihatecoach but couldn't figure out how) and hate to see people like him get reinforcement for their sphincter-like behavior, it's idiots like him and Tyson that make these shows interesting.

The only problem is that while most of America realizes what tools these guys are, they never seem to see it themselves.

I think Schoonie's theory of "the best revenge is letting them live" makes the most sense for me.

Thanks for another great recap, Schoonie.

Uh, that whole section on assholes was SO FUNNY. I was laughing so much. I know you don't want to hear this Schoonie but Coach helps YOUR game. He makes you a better writer.

Oh, and I don't want anybody to think I like coach. He's an idiot but I do enjoy watching him. Coach must have the smallest penis on earth 'cause why else would he so desperately want to impress everyone?

Coach will have as much success in Hollywood as Sugar.

tv freak: If you go to Reality Blurred and look under Survivor there are two entries about how Coach got out of work for it. He made is sound like an emergency and testing, I thought he straight up said cancer, but I think he just made it seem that way. Either way it was bad and they fired him when the show aired.

I don't get his saying he wasn't allowed to tell them...I though you could tell people you were going on the show, just not the outcome.

A quote from him on what happened (this was after he got back and was fired): ‘I’ve got to leave; you know I would not leave if it weren’t an emergency. I can’t get out of this and I have to go do it. I can’t give you the details.’ Then they jumped to conclusions that it was tied into what I went through with my brain tumor."

Uh huh....

Mr. Dangerous: Well, it is a lot easier to make fun of a bunch of easy targets than it is to mock the nice people. It's not so much that he makes me a better writer as he makes my job so, SO easy.

I loved how the producers showed the pained expressions on Coach's face as his team was losing during the reward challenge. He must have REALLY wanted to go on the white water rafting trip which was surprising since he's already gone like 7 gazillion miles in a kayak.

Also, every time I see Coach running his hands through his hair I get the feeling that he's happy that it is finally reaching a level of greasiness that it's impossible to attain in a civilized society.

I hope someone more clever than me.. makes up a "Coach List" like the ones for Chuck Norris.. please someone .. make it happen!! :D :D

I had to look up the infamous Chuck Norris list - OMG, too furking funny.

thechucknorrisfacts .com

All you have to do is substitute the word "Coach" for the words "Chuck Norris" and...voila.

Not even! The Chuck Norris list is written by people who LIKE him.

And even Chuck Norris's old dirty shoelaces are cooler than Coach.