This week, on Survivor: Coach is a turd.
After last week's vote, Erinn bandies about the fire worriedly, concerned that she'll be the next to go. In order to try and dissuade people from targeting her next, she makes the very transparent effort to speak poorly of Candace and try to weasel her way in with the rest of the tribe. Debra tries to legitimize the vote by telling Erinn that Candace "was turning on the rest of us", which is true only in the sense that she was turning on Coach. I must say, Debra seems very zombie like and prone to believing everything people tell her, and it's apparent that she's just following everyone like a lemming. This, of course, means that she's going to finish in fourth place.
After the credits, we're still at Timbira on the morning of Day 7. Everyone looks completely miserable already after only a week, particularly Erinn, who has an imprint of the shelter floor on her face while she freaks out about how excluded she is from the rest of the team. She thinks that performing well in the challenges is going to be her way in, planning on coming out ahead of Debra and Sierra, at least. Meanwhile, Jerry lies prostrate around camp in various positions, refusing to eat because he has a stomachache. "I'm used to these conditions and not eating from being in Afghanistan," Jerry says, "But I'm not going to let it show so I don't get voted out." He doesn't seem to be doing a great job with the whole "don't let it show" thing, unless he's planning on telling everyone he's laying around constantly because he has Restless Legs Syndrome. Timbira makes some food and everyone else eats while Jerry watches kind of jealously from the sidelines, because this show is just like Welcome To The Dollhouse way too often for its own good, if you think about it.
Ten minutes in, we're getting our first look at Jalapao. They haven't seemed to figure out how to use the fishing net that they won in the challenge last week, and everyone is hilariously grabbing one corner of it and then on three, they all slam it down into the water. What are they, taking the fish by surprise? I'm not saying I have any idea how to use the net either, but if I were going to be on this show, I'd sure as hell do the research and find out. If I had to guess, I think you just grab the ends and drag it behind your boat, but I'm not positive. But yeah, this is a pretty basic thing to figure out if you've gotten the hint you might be cast. It's pretty simple: you learn to build fire and fish for Survivor, you learn to drive a stick for The Amazing Race, and you learn how to pray out loud, cry in public, and bang strangers for Big Brother. Oh, and you also learn how to share needles.
Stephen and JD give up on the net and start using the old school fishing rods to catch some food. They get some tiny fish at first, and then they use those fish to catch larger ones, and those to catch still larger fish until they've caught big enough fishes to feed the whole tribe. JD grills up the fish and everyone gets a few bites, which is probably better than eating termites, I'll wager. After dinner, Sandy manages to be annoying even when she's thankful, all "THANK YOU GUYS!" at the top of her lungs. I know that I'm annoyed by her now for completely unexplained reasons, but it is what it is, right? She's like that one kid on your school bus that you never said a word to, but you just sort of...wanted to punch in the face. That's a bad analogy, because punching an old lady in the face is not recommended, but...I've already written it. Don't email me your old lady punching stories!
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Comments (21)
Candance was so right to try and get rid of Coach last week (although her hilarious 'I'm safe because I'm strong' approach was so terribly stupid) and now he disgraces our screen with his Psych 101 shtick and his homespun wisdom.... ugh, I dislike this guy so very much and not in the love-to-hate way.
As far as the Greatest.Survivor.Alliance.EVER.... clearly, it's not or it wouldn't figure prominently in Episodes 3 and 4. LOL. I like the idea of trying to beat the producers with the alliance, however, they are not factoring in a tribal switch at all. You would think that Stephen or Sierra would have mentioned this to Taj or Brendan.
I'm still not really sold on the characters this season, but I'm glad to see that there are some people actually playing the game, rather than sitting back and I'm enjoying that aspect of this season, especially after Gabon.
1 of 21 | Posted by slutty_whore | Posted on March 1, 2009 7:31 PM
Great recap Schoonie, thanks. LOL@His body could be composed entirely of killer bees, and that would only make him moderately more terrible than he is now. It would only be worse if he had an identical twin. Where do they find these people? Seriously! Tyson seems to be reading cue cards at times. I really doubt he has ever crushed someone's dreams, he seems to be playing a part. Sierra's strategizing was refreshing. Sandy has obviously been punched in the face on many a bus ride. She looks like the "meth" after picture. I'm sure she's nice, blah, blah, blah, but her sex kitten comment hurt my brain. I'm pretty sure Brendan would "switch teams" before he'd do Sandy! They need to win a reward challenge and win wine where Sandy can then get drunk, that would make for an interesting campfire scenario.
2 of 21 | Posted by soapboxx | Posted on March 1, 2009 8:32 PM
I wish Sandy and Coach were on the same tribe. They would totally do it.
(Not that I'd want to see it. That would be worse than Hosea and Leah on Top Chef.)
3 of 21 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on March 1, 2009 9:24 PM
I was a little disappointed because for just a few minutes I thought Coach had been blindsided at tribal council. Then I saw he had actually voted for Jerry. Oh well, soon I hope. Great recap!
4 of 21 | Posted by Geewits | Posted on March 2, 2009 12:24 AM
Debra reminds me of the desperate porn star gal from the Rock of Love Bus.
Brendan obviously just got lucky with his granola company. I'm guessing his business partner did all the thinking. No doubt Taj suggested the idol was in the statue, they just edited that part out. This guy is a dork.
I've said it before, but for the first time ever I get to root for the winning tribe, since Coach is on the losing tribe and I'm really enjoying watching his ego expand exponentially with each loss.
On the other hand, he's about the only interesting personality so far. The rest of these people just seem so bland and clueless. I'd even say that last season's bunch were more entertaining to watch.
In the meantime, we have Coach's inevitable meltdown to look forward to. 'Cause you know it's going to happen.
I'm having trouble getting behind the Tyson character--I had the feeling his comments were heavily edited. I think he's probably a lot more evil than they're letting through at this point.
And I'm disappointed in Sierra, had higher hopes for her. But she's been kind of a dud.
Like most of this bunch.
5 of 21 | Posted by itchy | Posted on March 2, 2009 1:41 AM
Who wants to take bets that Coach is the prof. who hits on homesick freshmen? I also get the distinct impression of a man who owes back child support.
Surely there must be students/athletes out there willing to dish about Coach?
Pretty please?
6 of 21 | Posted by ohralphie | Posted on March 2, 2009 7:19 AM
Coach has a personality flaw that will prevent him from ever being successful in his profession; he's not likeable. In order to be a successful coach you have to be likeable. Your team has to want to win "for you. For the coach."
(Where I work we have a VERY successful coach that's why we always win the Rose Bowl.)
Brandon from SURVIVOR AFRICA was on CBS THIS MORNING a long time ago. I remember Bryant Gumble asking Brandon how he felt about TOM, that hillbilly guy. Brandon said something like, "I know he has at least one good quality but I haven't found it and I'm not really looking."
Coach must have some good qualities but I haven't seen them yet. I DID like his plan of "the weak get booted and the strong survive." The problem is I'm not sure Coach is one of the strong ones.
The end is coming for Coach. I hope it's quick and not too humiliating for him.
Mucho gusto JD. He's got oomph. How can anyone not like him? He makes me want to move closer to the TV.
7 of 21 | Posted by Mr Dangerous | Posted on March 2, 2009 7:59 AM
I was thinking when I watched Coach begin the self-destruct sequence at Tribal that he had, in record time that I can recall, convinced his tribe mates to swing their vote for him. Damn. So close. At least there will be at least another week of this trainwreck, and I love it.
I read last week that Coach was "released from his contract" at the all-girls school where he coached the soccer team because he said he was taking a leave of absence and didn't tell the authorities that he was going to be on Survivor. He was also quoted as saying he was packing all of his belongings in his car and taking off for La-La land where he will be famous.
Coach: Good luck with that. Idiot.
8 of 21 | Posted by Firthguy | Posted on March 2, 2009 8:20 AM
I'm bummed. I really liked Jerry, and I thought he'd be around quite a bit longer.
Who to root for now?
9 of 21 | Posted by ThisShowRocks! | Posted on March 2, 2009 10:39 AM
I'm rooting for the Bromance!
10 of 21 | Posted by itchy | Posted on March 2, 2009 12:15 PM
Mr Dangerous, I am quite fond of JD as well. And I know who you are talking about: Pete Carroll. He is a super personable coach and handsome, too.
I think Coach destroyed any influence he had over his tribe at Tribal Council. I mean, everybody was laughing at him. I hope he realizes it and becomes more humble (fat chance). Anyway, I believe it is a moot point when he is voted off now, since he has shown his true, kinda pathetic colors. Tyson can take him down whenever he wants to.
I would like to see the other tribe go to council just to get a handle on their personalities and how they line up, alliance-wise.
11 of 21 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on March 2, 2009 12:21 PM
"I also get the distinct impression of a man who owes back child support."
Ohralphie, this made me laugh SO hard! Awesome! And true!
Great recap as always, Schoon. I'm in agreement with everyone that Cooch is on the way out. However, I disagree that the others are bland. I think it is a bit like putting a scotch bonnet pepper in a salad. There may be other good stuff in there, but the only thing you taste is the pepper. The edit has been heavily focussed on Cooch, so when he leaves, I think we will see more personality from others.
12 of 21 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on March 2, 2009 1:10 PM
am i the only one that has noticed (or have i missed others noticing) that Coachebag always has a coat or something at tribal council? the first time, he swung it over his shoulder as he went to vote...this last time, he drapped it over his arm...
anyone else?
13 of 21 | Posted by pappy44 | Posted on March 2, 2009 1:40 PM
Yes, you are correct.
Go USC. FIGHT ON!
Our record, since 1902, is 23 Rose Bowl wins!
14 of 21 | Posted by Mr Dangerous | Posted on March 2, 2009 1:59 PM
Hey Schoonie, I'm enjoying these, tho I'm not watching the show. Even so, Cooch is so hate-worthy, and you describe him just so. Reminds me of Tommy girl Cruise, gussied up in a hair role where she gets to play butch!!! I bet his voice even rings of that tone with Matt Lauer.
I think the 4 way alliance across 2 tribes is brilliant. They will all merge in the end, and with 2 peeps on either side pulling for you, by the time the merge does happen, whoever is left from this 4 will dominate.
Anyhoo, not sure if I can handle the hate, so I'll have to depend on you Schoon, and the rest of you peeps to keep me filled in.
HEART
15 of 21 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on March 2, 2009 4:13 PM
Oh god, yes, pappy, the coat slung nonchalantly over his shoulder as he went to vote!! Was that two episodes ago? Who does that??? Loved Jeff's smirk in the background.
Also, I really like Sierra for some reason. Maybe it's the fact that she built that entire shelter by herself. Otherwise she seems like someone I'd normally hate.
16 of 21 | Posted by fycin | Posted on March 2, 2009 6:05 PM
Yes, the blazer has been cracking me up for two eps now! And his douchey model strut ...
As I watched the show, I totally knew you'd rip Coach for the "primal yell" and "telling people with my eyes" comments Schoonie! The man is just so horrifyingly deluded ... it's gratifying that the show is giving him the proper edit and not treating him like a James or Ozzy.
Also, I really like Sierra. She a) was smart enough to know Jerry was the right choice, and b) outran several people to the boxes during the challenge. I think she's got a decent shot to go a long way, cause she's strong and smart but not overpowering in either respect.
17 of 21 | Posted by myfavoritesunglasses | Posted on March 2, 2009 9:43 PM
I agree about Sierra. I think she really was just sick. Now that she has some antibiotics under her belt, we are seeing more of the real her. Well, at least as much as we can see of anyone with the camera concentrated on the Cooch douchetrain.
18 of 21 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on March 3, 2009 1:48 AM
omg, thank you both for seeing that too...i thought i was seeing things....i mean, coachebag (or should it be Coauchebag?) couldn't be that much into douchebaggery....could he?
19 of 21 | Posted by pappy44 | Posted on March 3, 2009 11:45 AM
I was surprised to read that Coach is 37. I would have guessed closer to 47. He looks like he's had an eyelift.
I know that everyone from Missouri is not a racist, but between Randy and now Coach, with his Pimp Daddy remark, it makes one wonder.
20 of 21 | Posted by pixielated | Posted on March 3, 2009 6:19 PM
I don't think any of these people were ever fooled by the Maestro.
But he's the type of player you want to keep around until the very end --who would ever vote to give that idiot a million dollars?
In the meantime, he serves as a convenient screen--the others can hide their personalities behind his outlandishness.
I bet he carries a murse in real life.
21 of 21 | Posted by itchy | Posted on March 4, 2009 1:17 AM