"Here's the thing okay? You guys have handled my rep these last three months and in this case I did want to handle it myself," Coach says. "Now we've all been blindsided up here at one time or another. You, my friend, my worthy adversary, have never been blindsided. I did take that lie detector test, and I have the sealed envelope here."
Probst, half impressed and half dubious, tells Coach that they don't have a lot of time to waste, so make with the envelope, Yappy. "Sure, open it, and pay attention, particularly to question number two." Hmm, I wonder what if he knows what's inside the sealed envelope? The suspense is killing me!
"Well, I will say that it looks like it was printed on something you could have in your office," Probst says, dealing with this while off-script scenario pretty well, "but it has the guy's name here, John Grogan and Associates, and there's a phone number here; I'll be calling him after the show."
Probst starts reading the questions, which are hilarious:
Question one: Did you play the game of Survivor with utmost honor and integrity? GEE, I WONDER WHO WROTE THESE QUESTIONS.
Question two: On your trip down the Amazon (Probst starts cracking up here, barely able to continue), were you captured by natives? Yes.
People cheer, for some reason impressed by the results of this test. To clarify: polygraph tests don't measure whether someone is telling the truth, they measure whether someone believes that they're telling the truth. This proves nothing, especially if Coach has convinced himself, like so many liars can, that his lies are true.
Jeff asks the audience whether they believe the test, and the results are mixed at best. "Well, I believed you the whole time," says Probst, who has all of a sudden become a comedy genius.
Hey, Coach who did you bring with you? He says that he brought his coaching staff and "a lady friend". The "lady friend"s name is Melinda, and she already has a microphone in her hand. Is the Coach we saw on the show the guy you know, Melinda? "You only saw Coach, and not Ben Wade, who I know and love."
"So, Dragon slayer doesn't make it into the bedroom or does?" Probst says, because he's feeling a little squirrely and this whole thing has already gone totally off the rails. "No actually, I slayed the dragon!" she says, and people are like half grossed out and half laughing. I am all the way grossed out.
Time for the stupid fan prize, which I hate. JT, Taj and (somehow) Sierra are the final three. Where's the love for Stephen? Anyway, you'll be shocked to find who wins: it's JT! I know! Shocked, I'm sure. He has hypnotized America with his vampiric charm. JT whispers something to Stephen after he wins, but whatever it is remains a mystery, because even the internet does not have the answer yet.
And now, let's blaze through all the boring people: Joe's leg is fine and back to normal. ("Unfortunately, I am still attached to Joe. Why do you think I fall asleep so easily? HEY-O!" - Joe's leg) Sydney says something, but I am too busy marveling at her hotness to notice it. Spencer says he had a lot of fun. Jerry thanks Jeebus for getting everyone back safely, which is pretty much the most boring thing you could say in this situation. I did not think it was possible to out-boring Joe, and yet? Here it is. Candace was in a commercial or something. Carolina says that it sucked getting voted out first, but at least she got on the show. And now: Sandy. Jeff has used up all his funny harassing Coach, so he's just like 'Hey, do something crazy!" She says that she was lucky to have gotten the chance to make a second first impression. She does not know that the second one sucked, too. And now, I can forget who all of you are!
When Probst gets back he's wearing a candy necklace attached to a locket containing photos of Regis and Kelly. I cannot believe I just typed that sentence. Apparently it's part of the Survivor Auction, which they can have this year because JT and Stephen forgot to burn down the camp.
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Comments (9)
I don't know about you guys.. but I'm looking forward to seeing Stephen & JT on The Amazing Race!! Now THAT would be awesome!It's a CBS show, so you know it's probably already been brought up to them.
1 of 9 | Posted by knackered | Posted on May 22, 2009 12:40 AM
Thanks Schoonie for all of your great recaps this season.
For someone who hadn't seen the results of the alleged lie detector test, Coach sure was confident about the outcome, wasn't he? Too bad there wasn't a 300lb bench press laying around offstage somewhere.
It's almost pathetic that the only people Coach could drag to the reunion was his staff, the idiot working on his book, and a prostitute. So basically everyone was being paid in some way.
Any bets on which reality show this tool pops up on next?
2 of 9 | Posted by briar | Posted on May 22, 2009 1:16 AM
The question I wanted Probst to ask everyone was whether or not they would have changed their vote after seeing how much Stephen actually controlled the game.
And I sort of got Sierra when she was explaining how she was useless and depended on everyone both on Survivor and in her real life but had a life changing experience there towards the end. She really did completely change her behavior on the show, so it seemed to have some merit. I don't think we can disregard the fact that she really is very young.
Thanks for a great season of recaps, Schoonie. Look forward to seeing you again with BB.
3 of 9 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on May 22, 2009 3:31 AM
so glad you'll be back for BB - thanks for a great season!
good point - sierra is very young. i sort of ended up feeling sorry for her, tho i could see why they'd have been annoyed w/ her, too.
coach is a joke, but i'm sure he's not going away. and i do think JT and stephen on amazing race would be AWESOME! make it happen!!!
see you this summer!
dax :D
4 of 9 | Posted by idax | Posted on May 22, 2009 6:45 AM
"For someone who hadn't seen the results of the alleged lie detector test, Coach sure was confident about the outcome, wasn't he? Too bad there wasn't a 300lb bench press laying around offstage somewhere."
I was thinking the exact same thing. I will NEVER believe anything that comes out of the delusional creep's mouth.
Does anyone know which producer is involved with Sierra?
5 of 9 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on May 22, 2009 8:56 AM
Briar, touche with the 300lb bench press comment! Great season of Survivor and happy with either two of them winning. Piddling my pants a little over the mere thought of Schoonie's recaps of BB. Cannot wait!
6 of 9 | Posted by willintherace | Posted on May 22, 2009 11:22 AM
Thanks for all your recaps, I love reading them! I especially loved whenever you made fun of Debbie b/c I couldn't stand her.
7 of 9 | Posted by jelly | Posted on May 22, 2009 12:21 PM
That was Tyson??? I thought that was Wooderson from "Dazed and Confused"
8 of 9 | Posted by mars | Posted on May 25, 2009 1:15 PM
Uh, I would want JT's tooth. I would put it in a locket and wear it around my neck on a chain.
Hey, and there's nothing creepy or stalker-ish about that.
9 of 9 | Posted by Mr Dangerous | Posted on June 4, 2009 10:47 AM