Tonight, on Survivor: This face. Also, white supremacists everywhere weep.
It's Day 7 at Foa Foa, and Jaison is upset about some of the things that Ben said at the last Tribal Council, given that Ben is a giant racist and all. Jaison tells Mick that Ben absolutely has to be the next person to go home, and that, yes; it's completely personal for him. "Ben is a mental plague on this tribe," Jaison says, winning points for eschewing the usual "cancer" comparisons that the less intelligent have overused in prior seasons.
Meanwhile, Russell corners Natalie (the taller blonde girl), asking her who should be going next. She hems and haws for what seems like hours, refusing to name anyone. "No one here is playing the game but me!" Russell declares, apparently not noticing that almost everyone is playing the game, save for this one stupid blonde girl. "This is the worst group of people, and I might be the best!" he says, again with no evidence to support it. Also, aren't we forgetting Ulong? I would love it if Russell's plan to eliminate the rest of his tribe as quickly as possible results in him being the only person left, and then he is immediately dispatched by the other team. It'll be just like the Palau season, except it will happen to someone who sucks.
Over at the fire pit, Ben tries to show Liz and Mick how to start a fire. Mick has a bit of trouble getting one started as Ben looks on condescendingly. After Ben gets sick of watching them, telling us that the tribe would "die without his help" he proceeds to tell Liz that no woman on the tribe is going to be able to start a fire, because they aren't strong enough and their hands are too small. So, now he's both racist and a chauvinist, for those of you keeping score at home. Who is left to offend and stereotype? He's going to have to turn to members of the animal kingdom soon. "That bear is a terrible driver! Hey, why don't we get that possum some watermelon?"
After a hilarious sequence in which Ben tells everyone about his pooping habits, Russell points out that the tide maybe just might be turning against Ben, just a little. He says that Ben is good for challenges, and that Russell himself wants to keep Ben around, so he's not going anywhere for the time being. What Russell wants, Russell gets! As long as what Russell wants is not an extra couple of inches, that is.
Over at that other tribe that we never see anymore, some people whose names I have forgotten because we never see them do yoga together while Shambo watches, incredulous. "I feel alienated from my tribe," she says, although it's clearly not because they're excluding her but more because she's separating herself from them. "I'm here to be the provider, and fish," she continues, despite the fact that she not only caught no fish last episode, but also ruined the fishing gear. It may be time to try a different tack, there, Provider. She talks like they have all these chores to do, even though they're plainly living pretty cush lives over at Galu. "Screw yoga, man!" she says. Yes, the problem is plainly yoga, given that you keep winning over and over again.
Back at Foa Foa, Russell tells Ben that Ashley was trying to get rid of him instead of Betsy, and that she's becoming a threat. Ben predictably flips out. "I plant a little seed in their head, and it's called a 'Russell Seed', and they make it so easy for me," Russell brags. You know what? I really, really don't need to hear about your seed.
So then Ben goes directly to Ashley and confronts her, telling her that she stabbed him in the back. She's all "Um, I was playing the game? Is that not allowed?" and she wants to know who you found out from, and Ben says one of the most hilarious things ever uttered on this show: "I'm not going to tell you, but it wasn't Russell!" What is he, five? Is it possible to be any more transparent? I will tell you that I have never more people on a single tribe who think that they're super smart, but are mostly dumb and/or lucky.
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Comments (19)
Schoonie, great recap as always. I also thought the "I'm not telling, but it wasn't Russell!!" comment was hilarious, and Ashley deserves Russell's condescension if she couldn't figure that shit out.
Don't tell anyone, but I secretly kind of like Russell. I'm hoping he makes it pretty far, but it is going to be SUPREMELY awesome when he gets blindsided. :)
1 of 19 | Posted by here4beer | Posted on October 5, 2009 6:03 PM
Schoonie - My favorite line of the entire recap was
"Pesky arithmetic! I am willing to wager that this is not the first time that Russell has been foiled by math."
I actually laughed out loud. Pesky math, that was great. Keep up the great work.
2 of 19 | Posted by Sara_shark | Posted on October 5, 2009 7:54 PM
I, too, am slightly enjoying Russel. He's not self-righteous. He's taking over his dumb tribe, which at first I hated but I am slowly coming to love
3 of 19 | Posted by dudeIrock | Posted on October 5, 2009 8:57 PM
"I would love it if Russell's plan to eliminate the rest of his tribe as quickly as possible results in him being the only person left, and then he is immediately dispatched by the other team. It'll be just like the Palau season, except it will happen to someone who sucks. "
Schoonie, you took the words right out of my brain! How the heck does he think he's going to win if he eliminates his tribemates one by one? Maybe he thinks he can go over to the other side and eliminate them one by one also. Seems like terrible stratagy to me.
Anyway, your recaps have been great. I save them until everyone else goes to bed so I have no distractions and I can lol all I want. The Russell that does not suck - best nickname ever!
4 of 19 | Posted by Annieo | Posted on October 5, 2009 10:18 PM
No, no, no, people! They're obviously starting to set up the lil' leprechaun as an even bigger douchebag than Coach was.
Coach believed he was controlling the game as the high n' mighty Dragonslayer. Hilarious but inoffensive (and ineffectual).
The Leprechaun believes he is controlling the game by being...a nasty little leprechaun. Not so hilarious, pretty damn offensive, and probably ineffectual.
The guy's "strategy" is completely stupid -- destroy your own tribe in order to arrive at the merge in the weakest possible way? Tell TWO of the smartest people on your tribe that you have the immunity idol? Create 'secret alliances' with all of the women?
Jaison and Mick need to compare notes, that's all. And it's inevitable that the girls will discuss their alliances too.
The sooner the leprechaun is off the screen, the sooner the real Survivor season will begin.
Although the way Probst is handling the leprechaun with kid gloves at tribal council speaks volumes about what the producers want.
5 of 19 | Posted by itchy | Posted on October 5, 2009 11:44 PM
looks like someone's a sheltered surburbanite, awwww. Yeah continue to stay on that high horse.
6 of 19 | Posted by puppet | Posted on October 5, 2009 11:55 PM
Huh? What are you talking about? Who are you talking to? Jaison?
I know you're not speaking to any of us. We're not given to personal attacks here. Take that crap to a different web site, please.
7 of 19 | Posted by itchy | Posted on October 6, 2009 5:51 AM
Hmm... Sheltered suburbanite? That is sort of like the flip side of ghetto trash, isn't it? Puppet, are you Ben? LOL
Thanks for a great recap, Schoonster.
8 of 19 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on October 6, 2009 8:05 AM
I'd live to design my own reality show called Cliche to 'Riches'. The idea is to have unsuspecting Reality Show Douches (tm) participate in a generic competitive reality show until they utter a classic reality show cliche. Then, suprise! they are given Riches (tm), in the form of molten gold with is then poured down their throats.
Use any of the following to gain your Riches (tm)
So and So is a cancer.
I'm not here to make friends.
So and So threw me under the bus.
I have a strong personality, and some people are threatened by that.
I got voted off because I'm a threat.
I may have lost, but I'm coming out of this a winner!
This is the most important thing/worst thing that ever happened in my life.
Boys/girls always suck at this type of task, so...
Note, the lame reality show host is also elegible for Riches (tm), so I imagine there will be a new one almost every week. Which should head off that "familiarity breeding comtempt" thing that makes me constantly hope Probst will slide under a gas truck and taste his own blood. ("Mmm. Tastes like smug.")
9 of 19 | Posted by NotWithoutMyTV | Posted on October 6, 2009 8:21 AM
NotWithoutMyTV:
You left out one of my most hated: "I just want one of the good people to win!"
Ugh that one always causes a groan from me. Thanks for the recap Schoonie. I love Jaison. Tall, handsome, smart! Mmmmmmm!
Itchy, you are my favorite surbaubanites and don't ever forget it!
10 of 19 | Posted by soapboxx | Posted on October 6, 2009 9:18 AM
Sigh. I almost wish I did come from the 'burbs.
I like NWMT's show idea. You could call it: "But First..."
11 of 19 | Posted by itchy | Posted on October 6, 2009 10:20 AM
hee, I like the new show idea, but you have to add, this is the hardest thing/decision I've ever had to make!!!
Glad to see Jaison step up and remove that blight. I could never hate Russell who sucks as much as (I'll kindly say, clueless) Ben. HATE ten million times. I heard his exit interview over on EW was extremely heated, and that he didn't take anything back and likely made it worse . . . not sure I'm strong enough to listen.
I hate when they give them the bathing suits, waa, waa, waaah . . .
Thanks Schoonie!
12 of 19 | Posted by juddfan | Posted on October 6, 2009 11:19 AM
Great recap as always, was looking forward to your take on the Jaison-Ben-Russell smackdown.
You've left off one of the more common and irritating cliches:
Any variation of "God wants this for me"
If God does exist (wink@itchy) he certainly doesn't care about reality tv!
Looking forward to the next recap, thanks bunches :)
13 of 19 | Posted by tadow | Posted on October 6, 2009 1:35 PM
Actually, given my love for reality tv in all its forms, it's about the only 'proof' I'd be likely to accept.
[points finger at the sky] Thanks, Big G!
14 of 19 | Posted by itchy | Posted on October 6, 2009 1:43 PM
About the new bathing suits...the producers must have heard the viewers' inward groaning/pleading to do SOMETHING to cover up Russell and his droopy briefs which were freaking us all out! (All the other castaways simply lucked out because of it.) I can now eat dinner gag-free during the show.
15 of 19 | Posted by trink621 | Posted on October 6, 2009 8:20 PM
RE: Jaison
I always chuckle when a man says something like, "Somebody needed to hold me back" or "If he said ONE MORE WORD I was going to..." Anybody who makes statements like these has no intention of EVER fighting. Jaison is glad, I'm sure, that the nice southern lady was between him and Ben because Ben could take Jaison in a street fight. Ben could kick Jaison's butt. (I don't know if Ben could take the hooker though. She seemed pretty tough.)
Like, I don't care if FOA FOA gets rid of Ben. I just want My Hercules Russell and the good looking doctor to be safe. How that can happen as their tribe's numbers continue to dwindle is unclear to me.
Oh, regarding the new swimwear -- uh, Russell looked good in his boogie shorts but I wish the producers had given him a Speedo, a THONG! or some spandex biking shorts. Grrrr. Imagine Russell walking around in a THONG! Ay Caramba!
16 of 19 | Posted by Mr Dangerous | Posted on October 7, 2009 7:49 AM
My favorite cliche:
"I have to win this challenge because my head is on the chopping block this week".
17 of 19 | Posted by IsabellaTheCat | Posted on October 7, 2009 8:17 AM
Wonder what those pillows and comforters will smell like after a week - Yummy!
18 of 19 | Posted by Considerthis | Posted on October 7, 2009 1:21 PM
In the The Los Angeles Times: on tonight's SURVIVOR "Russell consider's outing one of his allies."
OH NO!
19 of 19 | Posted by Mr Dangerous | Posted on October 8, 2009 7:42 AM