This week, on Survivor: a panda deathmatch. Just kidding! But I totally wish, I'm not gonna lie. There are, however, people picking things up with giant chopsticks, because that's the most Chinese thing in the world, besides the imminent threat of communism. Aaand I think I just got TVGasm censored by the Chinese government. Sorry, Pan-Asian readers!
Right at the beginning, there are pandas, and they are wrestling! It's like someone at CBS is reading my mind. Next week, a panda deathmatch, please. I was not kidding about that. Not even a little bit. At Fei Long, Jean-Robert has decided that now is an appropriate time to begin working, so he's fetching water and contributing around camp while Aaron heckles him jokingly. He tells us that his strategy is to start out in last place and slowly work his way to the front of the pack. This is not an entirely unacceptable strategy as far as Survivor goes, provided you can escape the first few boots (see: Sandra, Lydia, Danni, Cirie). This is the strategy I like to employ when doing things at which I suck, like tennis. The ball flies right by me and I'm all, "I did that on purpose!" and then I pounce like a ninja when they least expect it.
Courtney and Jean-Robert work on lifting a pot of water, and Courtney goes to touch it and gets a fairly sharp warning from JR that it's hot. He says it like he's her mom, which is not really the correct way to do things, Survivor-wise, and also Courtney-wise, because she gets all "Please don't talk to me like that" and attitude-y about it, even after Jean-Robert apologizes. Jean-Robert is a better man than me for not going, "You know what? Why don't we settle this with a swordfight OH YEAH I FORGOT YOU CAN'T SWING A SWORD" which is exactly what I would have done.
After the credits, it is time to check in on Zhan Hu. Turns out that some of their rice got wet and moldy (possibly when they got that torrential downpour and came back from a challenge to find that their camp had been transformed into the Chinese Everglades). Sherea starts picking through it to get the good parts out and then goes to throw away the bad, but Dave, always needing to increase his douche quotient by ordering people around even when they don't need it, tells her not to pick it up and "shake the mold around" and find something to put the good parts in. He's all "find something, anything" and condescending and all put out like, "Do I have to do EVERYTHING myself?" and I hate him, because he is the mold in the rice of my life. Sherea is awesomely like, "Well, screw this mess" and just walks off with a tray full of garbage to throw away. But wait! That is Dave's garbage! And he was going to take it home to his mom! Sherea refuses to cooperate while Dave gets all grabby with the shells and detritus, to the point where she just goes, "Please hit me. I would love it." How many situations are there where this can be said and actually meant? I mean, outside of drunken slap bets. Not that I've ever engaged in any of those. Last weekend.
Over at Fei Long, the boxer brief brigade of Aaron, James, and Todd go to get the treemail, which tells them that both tribes are going to Tribal Council. I immediately call bullshit on this, because 1) it's, like, ten minutes into the episode, and 2) they only started with sixteen people. But we are still in for a treat, because instead of a double tribal council, we will instead be culling as many Asian stereotypes as possible into one challenge. This challenge involves, and I kid you not, giant chopsticks and fireworks. More specifically, using giant chopsticks to carry a ball to the end of a course, thereby setting off some fireworks. I don't want to spoil anything for anybody, but later, the immunity challenge will involve knocking each other into a big vat of soy sauce while Jeff Probst mispronounces all of his Rs.
The tribes will be competing in pairs, with one person holding each chopstick, so it's sort of a team effort. It's also sort of boring to watch because it goes like so: pick up the ball, move it an inch, drop the ball, and repeat. For eight minutes. Seriously, if we're going to play on Asian stereotypes, can we at least do some dragon wrestling or something?
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Comments (11)
Great recap, Schoonie!
And when Denise said the meal was the "delicat-est thing" she had ever put in her mouth, I couldn't help but wonder how her girlfriend was going to take that.
1 of 11 | Posted by SnackyCakes420 | Posted on October 15, 2007 11:55 PM
I think Denise was trying to make reference to the food being a delicacy, but yeah, she sure "muffed" up that speech. Hee hee!!
2 of 11 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on October 16, 2007 3:34 AM
They had to use chopsticks and shoot fireworks, but did you notice that they had to land the fireballs in a giant WOK. That's 3 stereotypes in one challenge. Quite a feat.
Denise might get "called on the carpet" for that remark...
3 of 11 | Posted by Krizzatch![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.tvgasm.com/shows/nav-commenters.gif)
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Posted on October 16, 2007 7:42 AM
Why is Todd being the one trusted by kidnapped members to be given the innumity clues??!! Is it because he is such a wee-sized person he appears non-threathening?? Dave WAS annoying and bossy, no doubt. But Sherea - or whatever the hell her name is - is one big lazy sack of shit. She should be grateful that Dave deflected what would have been her certain dmise, but for the overwhelming need to get rid of him. And, I found his PDA with the other Tribe so CREEPY. Luved James response Dace's affectionate moves!!!
4 of 11 | Posted by farrell100 | Posted on October 16, 2007 8:09 AM
very funny recap schoonie!
i wanted to like Dave--i usually like the people who annoy the hell out of everyone else (with dick and dicklet being notable exceptions)--but Dave was such a raging douche-nozzle that i couldn't find anything to like about him. his exit speech was painful, he is way more delusional than your average reality show contestant.
as for the inappropriate touching of James--i think i could make him like it--as long as i could use my tongue. actually, James telling Dave that he had already told him not to hug him made me wish that James would punch that smug smile off Dave's face. people who continue to hug people after they have been asked to quit are uber-creepy.
5 of 11 | Posted by p.q. | Posted on October 16, 2007 9:59 AM
Another hysterical recap Schoonie!!!
James is so gorgeous! But every time he opens his mouth (with the one exception of "dude, i told you about the hugging") makes him less and less attractive. *sigh*
I'm hoping he redeams (sp?) himself to me but I can't get over the "nasty bush" comment he made about Courteny.
C'mon James! Do/say something sweet so you can be my hero again!
6 of 11 | Posted by sweetblondie | Posted on October 16, 2007 1:39 PM
That was great schoonie! When Dave put his hand on Todd's shoulder and said "Do you believe turnabout's fair play?" I cracked up. If I was Todd I would've run into the woods screaming! And Denise' mullet collecting white castles burgers, that my friend, was priceless!
7 of 11 | Posted by CheriesTake | Posted on October 16, 2007 6:37 PM
Schoonie, I hope you get to do the recaps for the next season of "The Real World/Road Rules Challenge".
Speaking of which, Jaime looks like Uma Thurman swallowed whole by Casey from "Fresh Meat".
8 of 11 | Posted by nerrawllehctim | Posted on October 17, 2007 5:21 PM
Schoonie, I hope you get to do the recaps for the next season of "The Real World/Road Rules Challenge".
Speaking of which, Jaime looks like Uma Thurman swallowed whole by Casey from "Fresh Meat".
9 of 11 | Posted by nerrawllehctim | Posted on October 17, 2007 5:24 PM
"But what if we need someone to formerly model something?"
Seriously. Cannot. Stop. Laughing.
10 of 11 | Posted by conebaby | Posted on October 18, 2007 8:30 PM
It's like you can read my mind. Altho-- this season, you're loving Sheree a little to much for my likes.
11 of 11 | Posted by hollagirl2 | Posted on October 19, 2007 6:02 PM