Long time, no see, bitches! Survivor begins anew on Thursday, and your trusty Schoonie is here to provide you with a preview of the 16 castaways that will be trying in vain to keep me from hating them for the next four months. Hey, did you know that the word 'Tocantins' is Portugese for "We Promise They're More Likable Than The Douches From Last Season"? I'm here to teach, people.
Probst has promised over and over again in pre-show interviews that this cast is extremely likable, which is a hint that they maybe know how much they screwed up last season by dropping a wide variety of jerkbags into the middle of Africa. I love this show no matter what, but I will admit that a small part of that love died last season. After Rupert, I should have learned my lesson. Then Dreamz came along, and I should have learned then. And then, BAM! They hit me with Corinne, and Randy, and Sugar. This show is all "I promise I won't hit you anymore, baby," to me, and then it touches my face and we have sweet make up sex, and then the very next season it throws me down the stairs and I have to tell all my friends that I walked into a door.
Benjamin, 37, is a Soccer Coach from Missouri. In case his hair did not convince you that he might be kind of a tool, he apparently also goes by "Maestro", which is sure to win him lots of friends on this show. He also calls himself an "Alpha Male", so he's probably one of those guys whose read The Game a million times and is all gross in bars with his gambits and whatnot. Watch out ladies, he's single! And he'll probably share his VO-5!
Brendan, 30, is the owner of Bear Naked Granola. If you've never had it, it's actually pretty damn good. I've heard people complain about the fact that he's already a millionaire, but so what? As long as he's not boring, I don't care if he's Uncle Scrooge from Duck Tales.
Candace, 31, is an attorney, as you can tell by the bikini. Her bio says that she grew up in "the inner city of Dayton, Ohio". Man, I bet it's tough growing up on those streets. The Dayton rap scene, of course, being the trendsetting epicenter of it all. You know what rhymes with Dayton? NOTHING.
Carolina, 26, is a bartender from LA, which is, of course, an underrepresented demographic on reality tv today. She's obviously the result of some sort of Casting Affirmative Action. Thank God someone stood up and said something. She's so brave! Next up: Bartender History Month.
Debra, 46, is a school principal from Alabama. If she were your principal, would you not be trying to get in trouble? I sure as hell would. Her nickname is "Bubbles", so apparently this is the Season of Annoying Nicknames.
Erinn, 26, is a hairstylist from Waukesha, Wisconsin. Her bio says that she'll be "dumb as a fox", so she'll be going with the Parvati strategy, apparently. She also loses points for missing an opportunity to quote The Simpsons. If I'm ever cast on one of these shows, my bio will be nothing but Simpsons and 30 Rock references.
Jerry, 49, is a former Army Sargeant. Judging by his bio, he actually seems...pretty cool. He has two grown children, he's been married for 25 years, he grew up on a chicken farm and doesn't want you to actually call him Chicken. Man, my Survivor standards are so low nowadays. I'm kind of disappointed in myself.
Joe, 26, is a real estate agent from Texas. He's also something called a "Texas Cowboy", which means that he gets to tell everyone how great the University of Texas is, or something. His bio is actually sort of boring. Did you know he enjoys running and playing football? I can't wait to watch him on TV, doing all of these extremely interesting things!
JT, 24, is a cattle rancher and is also from Alabama. Everyone's from Alabama or California this season, by the way. His bio would also like you to know that he does the actual cattle ranching (right? that's a word?), but is also responsible for "all the paperwork and marketing associated with running the business" of cattle ranching. Rugged! Nothing like a dude who knows his way around an Excel Spreadsheet. Line forms to the left, ladies.
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Comments (17)
I like JT and Spencer. Uh, are Spencer and Sierra twins? They pose alike though one of them looks like a slut.
Can't wait to read your recaps, Mister.
1 of 17 | Posted by Mr Dangerous | Posted on February 8, 2009 7:54 PM
schoonie, you crack me up. Call me and we'll go to the school bus rodeo together. I SMELL A ROAD TRIP!!
2 of 17 | Posted by here4beer | Posted on February 8, 2009 7:57 PM
We have...what...five women with implants? Gosh what a shocker. But you would think it would be illegal in this game to have built-in flotation devices.
So...Sierra is model. Is that why in her photo she appears to be checking her body fat? Nope...still can't pinch a quarter inch. She's used to starving herself, though, so she should do fine.
I wish they'd do this show on the islands just off of Canada. Let's see how the contestants do with bitter cold and Grizzlies.
3 of 17 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on February 8, 2009 8:17 PM
Okay, so I literally gasped when I saw "Survivor" up there as a new recap. And I really mean literally, not the way most people use it these days to mean "couldn't possibly be literally." Anyway. I gasped because I thought I'd missed the first ep of a new season! Whew.
And may I say, NorthFaceJacketGuy, please don't be a douche. I want to like you.
4 of 17 | Posted by fycin | Posted on February 8, 2009 9:21 PM
I am practically counting the hours down! woot woot woot. Survivors ready? (Jeff's arms dramatically swing) GO!
5 of 17 | Posted by geewits | Posted on February 9, 2009 12:38 AM
I'm still recovering from last season...
My dream is that a school bus rodeo would come to my area -- I'd be first in line for tickets. Wonder how you rope a bus? And are the busses filled with kids?
Anyway, it always takes me a few episodes to start getting into the contestants, or even remember their names.
6 of 17 | Posted by itchy | Posted on February 9, 2009 1:23 AM
I will be watching, but I am getting bored with the variations of the same casting themes year after year. And, also, why would I want my cast to be "likable?" Did the casting agents of Survivor ever watch the FOL series! I want psychos, nutjobs, and crazies mixed with my stealth strategists. If the cast is "likable;" it inevitably equates to boredom. Give me Corinne, Sugar, Randy, and our fake Olympian Crystal any day of the week!
7 of 17 | Posted by slutty_whore | Posted on February 9, 2009 6:18 AM
I'm liking Jerry - he seems like a combination of Earl and Rudy.
I didn't realize Survivor starts this Thursday. Thanks for the preview, Shoonie!
8 of 17 | Posted by Clair | Posted on February 9, 2009 8:48 AM
tyson aka mr. "north face jacket" is currently the fan favorite on the official website. i'm guessing it's because his bio says one of his hobbies is "looking awesome" and "If he becomes the next sole SURVIVOR, he plans to use all of the money for selfish purposes, starting with "the most smoking motorcycle around."'
LOL
and to the contestant named sierra
if ur saying living in Taiwan equates to living with "no running water and living with bugs and grime" its cuz ur broke ass didnt pay the bills a u were too lazy to clean ur shit up. i hope u die in the first episode. better yet, u get voted out and then u die from Jeff Probst tossing u into the fire like a fake immunity idol.
9 of 17 | Posted by inxela (Taipei, Taiwan) | Posted on February 9, 2009 8:49 AM
Whoa!
When I saw there was a Survivor recap, I thought I'd missed an episode.
10 of 17 | Posted by ThisShowRocks! | Posted on February 9, 2009 9:55 AM
Yeah, I thought I missed an episode too when I saw this I'm like what when did ti come on.
11 of 17 | Posted by bigjr6633 | Posted on February 9, 2009 12:57 PM
Taj, 37, used to be a member of SWV. Yeah, you remember, they sang that song "Weak" that you rocked on the school bus in elementary school? Admit it, that shit was awesome. Anyway, I have no idea what she is doing on this show, since she's probably also a millionaire and is married to Eddie George, but whatever, I'm sure she's figured out some way to tell everyone that performing with Milli Vanilli and Bel Biv Devoe prepared her somehow for this game.
THAT WAS THE FUNNIEST JOKE IN THIS ENTIRE ARTICLE! I HOPE THEY DISQUALIFY HER FOR BEING IN A MULTI-PLATINUM GIRL GROUP.
12 of 17 | Posted by nerrawllehctim | Posted on February 9, 2009 4:41 PM
Schoonie- I want to say that might actually watch this season so I can read the recaps and know what's going on, but that would be lying, I'll probably forget within the first two weeks...but I'll read the recaps for sure!
And inxela- Thank you for that information, because now he is my favorite, too, hahah. And by the way, as for the second part of your comment, HAHAHAHAHAH, so hilariously great.
13 of 17 | Posted by kelsey | Posted on February 10, 2009 11:25 PM
It feels a bit like the first day of school doesn't it? Everyone is so shiney and new in their school uniforms and the future looks bright... let's hope one of these folks doesn't dunk our head in the toilet and steal our lunch money.
Friggin Corrine. Bitch. (just had to throw that out there one more time!)
14 of 17 | Posted by Snootchy Bootches | Posted on February 11, 2009 1:08 AM
Schoonie, as a non-fan of this show (have never seen a single episode) I have to give you mad props for drawing me in last season with your recaps, I was actually able to follow along with what was going on (mostly... there are some terms and other things I don't get, but I don't expect you to guide me by the **** through everything) and you are fuckin hilarious! This new group looks like Central Casting decided "More pretty people, less regular uggos!" so I'm counting on you to nail 'em to the wall on behalf of us regular uggos, K?
love, J-Mo :)
15 of 17 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on February 11, 2009 10:06 AM
Trust me, J-Mo, there are plenty of us here who would "guide you by the ****s," just not necessarily about Survivor. *wink, wink*
16 of 17 | Posted by slutty_whore | Posted on February 11, 2009 10:25 AM
Oooh, slutty_whore, talk dirty to meeeee! *Woof!*
17 of 17 | Posted by J-Mo | Posted on February 11, 2009 11:31 AM