By B-Side and Madeyoulaugh
TVgasm rarely covers made for TV movies, but every once in a while, a true gem comes along that must be seen. No, we're not talking about Dynasty: The Making of Guilty Pleasure. We're referring to Spring Break Shark Attack, CBS's latest and random foray into the teen horror genre. Needless to say, it was terrible. And yet two hours later, we left the TV feeling supremely entertained. But that might have more to do with some awkwardly placed herpes commercials.
Anyway, with The OC's Shannon Lucio at the helm, we would be remiss to leave this movie uncommented on. So without further review, here is the TVgasm play by play of Spring Break Shark Attack.
(Please note that all times are approximate and most likely incorrect.)
9:00pm
The movie opens with a random quartet of thirtysomething ladies having a picnic on the high seas. It's not really very logical, especially since the ladies are draped around an inflatable raft, a.k.a. the easiest thing to capsize EVER. One slovenly woman excitedly mentions that Spring Break is just around the corner. Aren't these ladies a bit old to be doing Spring Break? Or are we in for a bunch of Gabrielle Carteris coeds?
9:01pm
"Alice would have loved this," says one of the Kim Catrall wannabes. Everyone sighs. Um, are we supposed to catch the significance of Alice? The Sex In The Ocean moment is brutally interrupted though when the ugliest member of the group is suddenly pulled underwater. General screams ensue, followed by the obligatory consumption of each woman. Wait, I wanted to know more about Alice. Oh cruel world! Whither Alice? Whither Alice?
9:02pm
We meet Danielle, played by Shannon Lucio who displays little if any range from her Lindsay character on The OC. At least she's better than the monotone actresses playing her two friends. "Come on Danielle," they say, trying to coax their bookish friend down to Spring Break. "The sun, the surf, the sand. And tons of gorgeous men." Yeah, that's all great, but why did they hire the people who dub over Asian movies to play her friends?
9:05pm
Danielle asks her dad if she can go to Spring Break. He says no. "Those guys, they're all sharks." Okay, we'll just start up the obvious shark foreshadowing counter now. 1.
9:05pm
Danielle's dad notes that preying on innocent girls is what guys do on Spring Break. "It's in their nature." Shark foreshadowing: 2.
9:06pm
The scene and movie comes to a complete halt (or at least maintains its halted state) when Danielle calls out her dad for an affair he had a few months ago. Mom and Dad look down at their plates sadly. Who called in Edward Albee for the rewrites?
9:06pm
Exactly one second after the family seems headed for a domestic drama not seen since The Ice Storm, or at least an Olive Garden commercial, Danielle's parents happily smile as they wave goodbye to their daughter who's going off to help Habitat for Humanity. So that whole extra-marital affair thing, we'll just pretend it didn't happen, mmkay?
9:10pm
Tricky Danielle doesn't go to Colorado to build houses for the poor. She sneaks off to Florida where the music never stops! We then are treated to a lovely montage of bikini bottoms prancing around the shoreline. Ah yes, Vagina Beach. Home of, you guessed it, vagina. We then cut to a random old man sitting amongst the young coeds and reading a newspaper. Look, I know directors like to do cameos, but this just isn't working.
9:13pm
Danielle is finally reunited with her friends. They accuse her of having skin that's too pale. What's the remedy? Why a montage, of course! Cut to the galpals trying on hats and sunglasses. Man, Spring Break has really gotten out of control.
Check out the sexy Spring Break hat.9:14pm
Danielle and her nameless friends stroll along Seagull Beach. "That is the coolest!" they say, pointing to a few guys swimming in a small, inflatable pool. Hey ladies. Don't look now, but to the right, there's a whole OCEAN. Crazy, huh?
9:14pm
The girls seem unfazed by the gay pride parade rolling by the beach. We can't see it, but based on the diva techno in the background, it's safe to assume RuPaul is just a few feet away. Meanwhile, Danielle and her posse marvel at other sights of CBS's Spring Break. Why, over there is a dry bikini contest! Oh, and look, there's an air bong. It's like a beer bong, except instead of beer, there's air. Awesome!
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Comments (40)
I was thinking JT was more like a poor man's Andrew Keegan.
And my favorite part was the guy literally windsurfing into a shark's open jaws!
1 of 40 | Posted by Catie | Posted on March 21, 2005 3:00 PM
I have never laughed so hard in my entire life! I was actually gaffawing out loud and making a real spectacle of myself at work (actually, that's pretty much a standard day for me).
B-Side, run away with me!
2 of 40 | Posted by hannahthehun | Posted on March 21, 2005 3:00 PM
Hannah,
You know, this was by Bside & MYL...Im not looking for a run away with me, but can I at least jog behind the 2 of you? do you have a sister with a limp?
MYL
3 of 40 | Posted by madeyoulaugh | Posted on March 21, 2005 3:16 PM
I attempted to watch it, I lasted all of 5 minutes, but as I flipped away I knew that it'd be ok, TVGasm would make me feel like I'd been there.
Thanks guys!
4 of 40 | Posted by TinkerbellAPixie | Posted on March 21, 2005 3:45 PM
Great article, however it would be better if Maureen Dowd hadn't published a story in the NYT 2 days before with the EXACT same title.
Granted, it was about something completely different, but still, you guys have the same taste in title selection as Maureen Dowd. Nice.
5 of 40 | Posted by IndianJones | Posted on March 21, 2005 3:54 PM
Your Best Moment of the night won't play and I am dying to see it.
I was flipping through the channels at what must have been 10:20 when I saw all of the half eaten tortoise shells and that was when I knew that it was a good thing I had not watched the movie from the start. Also, I liked "Dynasty: The Making of a Guilty Pleasure" and I had never even watched the show. That has to be saying something although I'm not sure what.
And just a little fun fact, at 9:37pm you talked about 1996 and then at 9:38pm you talked about 6th grade which is kind of ironic considering that in 1996 I was in 6th grade. I know you all are thrilled that I brought that up.
6 of 40 | Posted by Lisa | Posted on March 21, 2005 4:21 PM
Hysterical - but one small thing -- the opening scene was NOT an homage to Sex in the City. How could you miss the Desperate Houswives slam? They each represent the 4 main characters of DH talking about "Alice" - as in "Mary Alice" the DH char. who killed herself - and coincidentally - the movie aired opposite Desperate Housewives at 9. hello? Also, the next scene on the beach a guy was a reading a newspaper that said "Desperate Search for Four Housewives Continues" -- I thought it was hysterical - did everyone miss that??
7 of 40 | Posted by Fred | Posted on March 21, 2005 5:10 PM
Fred -
The DH slam at the top, I certainly missed. Both Bside and I noticed the newspaper article, but certainly thought it too irrelevant to mention. Guess we were wrong.
MYL
8 of 40 | Posted by madeyoulaugh | Posted on March 21, 2005 5:54 PM
"Ah even CBS has cockblocks." Too funny, I almost died in the computer lab at school when I read that line. Love it. Keep up the good work
9 of 40 | Posted by Jader | Posted on March 21, 2005 7:09 PM
love the still of the girl running from the shark attack with her cocktail intact.
10 of 40 | Posted by mattie | Posted on March 21, 2005 8:06 PM
Gawd! Thanks for the Shark Photo though...
very cool.
Tell more Bar stories... you guys are good at that.
11 of 40 | Posted by visibleh20 | Posted on March 21, 2005 8:10 PM
Great commentary. Many apologies for all cheese. FYI, the opening scene, our one most intentional moment of camp, was a play on DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES. The ladies, CBS's direct competition at the 9 pm hour, get their just desserts in our film, as they are all duly punished for their tawdry vaccuousness. I'm surprised that a site as savvy as TVGasm missed this not-so-subtle parody.
12 of 40 | Posted by Exec Producer of SBSA | Posted on March 21, 2005 10:35 PM
Hehe this was so funny. I cant believe I watched that movie.
I thought that Danielle's brother looked a lot like Danny from Apprentice 3 and David Arquette.
My funniest part of the movie was the fact that the beach was supposed to be in Florida, yet there were mountains everywhere. But your funniest part was second best :)
13 of 40 | Posted by Katrina | Posted on March 21, 2005 11:17 PM
Exec Producer of SBSA - Thank you for producing this fine movie. Seriously, I was highly entertained. You guys succeeded with the camp quotient, and it sounds like that was your plan. Can't speak for Madeyoulaugh, but if you ever need more writers for another project, you know where to reach me... (Yes everyone, I have no qualms about whoring myself out).
Katrina - two excellent points. I too thought of Danny, but didn't want to overdo the unholy lovechild references. And the mountains - that didn't even occur to me.
14 of 40 | Posted by B-Side | Posted on March 21, 2005 11:26 PM
TO:: EP at Enlightment Ent:: Obviously you would you like to shoot the sequel in Australia where the Great Whites are so cocky they'll take your legs off and then ask to borrow a twenty. If you need a experienced local EP on the ground, let me know here. (hey if everyone is srounging for gigs - so am I. at least I've worked in TV/features for years which is more than these TVGasm dudes).
15 of 40 | Posted by Kiwi Lad | Posted on March 21, 2005 11:57 PM
Don't make assumptions, Kiwi Lad...
16 of 40 | Posted by B-Side | Posted on March 22, 2005 12:10 AM
Hilarious recap, Hilarious movie made better by several glasses of Chablis and blister paks of Roofies.
Loved the well placed Herpes commercial, on my local station they also had a well placed Tampax ad right after the Locusts ad, (boy and girl out rowing boat, boat springs a leak, girl whips out tampax(from purse)) and plugs up hole in the boat. Lovely.
I don't think that really was a bookstore. It looked like the backroom of the nightclub with stacks of old menus and phone books piled around.
And What was with the royal blue bikini "Danielle" wore? That color is so Granny! And why did she wear it the entire movie, she even wore it under her dress. Okay I'm caring too much.
Go Sharks! Bring back Hockey!
17 of 40 | Posted by Retroqueen | Posted on March 22, 2005 7:28 AM
"at least I've worked in TV/features for years which is more than these TVGasm dudes"
Well, other than all of us pretty much having worked in Television/features since moving to Los Angeles, I guess you have a point.
18 of 40 | Posted by J-Unit | Posted on March 22, 2005 8:03 AM
I laughed so hard I cried! I can't wait for the sequel: 'Spring Break Shark Attack II - The Pack Strikes Back!'
That's something else - is it just me, or does this title just scream for an exclamation point?
'Spring Break Shark Attack!'
19 of 40 | Posted by Brother Grimace | Posted on March 22, 2005 8:14 AM
Kiwi et al ,
As long as Bside and JUnit are sharing our resumes, I have worked in movies since the first week I arrived in Los Angeles. I dont like to brag, but Tobey Mcguire, Kirstin Dunst and I had did business together at my first job in the industry. It was opening weekend for Spider-Man and I happily tore their tickets at Arclight Cinerama Dome. Oh, those were hungry days.
MYL
20 of 40 | Posted by madeyoulaugh | Posted on March 22, 2005 8:58 AM
Sorry about the mountains. We shot South Africa/Capetown for South Florida, which ain't exactly a match. We tried our damnedest to avoid the mountains, but a few snuck in there. Ugly, I know. In retrospect, perhaps shoulda gone to the Gold Coast, eastern Australia, which more closely resembles SoFlo.
The Bookstore was weather "cover," meaning the scene was SUPPOSED to take place exterior night on a romantic beach. But the wind was blowing 50miles an hour, so we had to scramble. Book store was our alternative. It is actually a book store, but a USED book store, which explains why books are piled up, and in a rather disorderly fashion.
Rumor has it that MTV may rerun the film sometime in the next few months. 'Cause isn't this a film ya just wanna watch over & over & over...?
21 of 40 | Posted by Exec Producer SBSA | Posted on March 22, 2005 11:19 AM
I didn't watch the movie, but this recap had me doubled over in laughter. If they make any more movies like this I won't watch, yet I want them to make more just to give you guys more ammunition. This was great!
22 of 40 | Posted by SusieQ | Posted on March 22, 2005 11:29 AM
I laughed and laughed reading this, as I sit on Collis Commonground. Holy cow one of those hot Dartmouth guys just walked by! Oh wait...nevermind... it was just a sig ep.
That first shot of an exploding victim, I thought it was a jellyfish until I read the explanation. When this thing re-airs I will have to catch it. In the meantime I will fill out an applicaiton for that HAbitat family in Colorado to go on Extreme Makeover: Home edition.
23 of 40 | Posted by Leah3t | Posted on March 22, 2005 12:52 PM
I finally got the video to play and I must say that it was better than I thought it would be. How desperate do you have to be for a job to do a genital herpes commercial?
And today I was thinking about something. I realized the reason that I liked the Dynasty movie and had no desire to watch this one. The Dynasty movie was factual and this movie... well... not so much.
To the Executive Producer of this movie, I have some words of advice. When making a movie, don't insult the intelligence of the viewer. For starters, you should come up with a better title next time. Last night I was watching Jay Leno's and Jimmy Kimmel's monologues and both of them asked their audiences if they watched "Spring Break Shark Attack" which was followed by laughter. They needed no punch line. That was the joke. I recommend you have MYL, J-Unit & B-Side help you out with your next movie.
24 of 40 | Posted by Lisa | Posted on March 22, 2005 1:43 PM
I think having the balls to name a movie "Spring Break Shark Attack" was pretty awesome. Honestly, would anyone have been watching otherwise?
25 of 40 | Posted by B-Side | Posted on March 22, 2005 4:00 PM
Where it called, "Red Waters" or something to that effect, I would never have watched. But SPRING BREAK SHARK ATTACK, to me says TITTIES, and CBS to me, says WWJD...when their powers combine my curiousity was, like captain planet, emerges in blue spandex...wait what was I saying....basically a movie that should be on Skinemax based on its title that winds up on Christian Broadcast System, well...that demands my attention.
MYL
26 of 40 | Posted by madeyoulaugh | Posted on March 22, 2005 4:38 PM
The Dynasty movie was factual????
27 of 40 | Posted by Retroqueen | Posted on March 22, 2005 9:21 PM
It was about the making of the TV series, hence the name "Dynasty: The Making of a Guilty Pleasure".
28 of 40 | Posted by Lisa | Posted on March 23, 2005 11:48 AM
I just heard the porn industry is already planning a take off on this movie, Spring Break Let's Go Have Some Anal
29 of 40 | Posted by girlgonewild | Posted on March 23, 2005 12:26 PM
GGW,
Eh...I would have probably gone with Hymen Break, Shocker Attack.
MYL
30 of 40 | Posted by madeyoulaugh | Posted on March 23, 2005 7:10 PM
I dig the Collis reference. I ran the social committee when I was an undergraduate.
I can't take any credit or blame for the title. CBS upper management made that call. I wanted to call it simply SHARKS, with its inherent double meaning.
I wonder if I get get a royalty for the porno SPRING BREAK SNATCH ATTACK or whatever. Probably not. Probably just as well.
31 of 40 | Posted by Exec Producer SBSA | Posted on March 25, 2005 6:29 AM
I dig the Collis reference. I ran the social committee when I was an undergraduate.
I can't take any credit or blame for the title. CBS upper management made that call. I wanted to call it simply SHARKS, with its inherent double meaning.
I wonder if I get get a royalty for the porno SPRING BREAK SNATCH ATTACK or whatever. Probably not. Probably just as well.
32 of 40 | Posted by Exec Producer SBSA | Posted on March 25, 2005 6:48 AM
I dig the Collis reference. I ran the social committee when I was an undergraduate.
I can't take any credit or blame for the title. CBS upper management made that call. I wanted to call it simply SHARKS, with its inherent double meaning.
I wonder if I get get a royalty for the porno SPRING BREAK SNATCH ATTACK or whatever. Probably not. Probably just as well.
33 of 40 | Posted by Exec Producer SBSA | Posted on March 25, 2005 6:49 AM
So Exec Producer - are you the reason why we got the nice Dartmouth shout out?
34 of 40 | Posted by B-Side | Posted on March 25, 2005 11:00 AM
Yup.
35 of 40 | Posted by Exec Producer SBSA | Posted on March 25, 2005 11:58 AM
I only liked the movie because Shannon Lucio is hhhhhhhhhoooooooooooooottttttttttt
36 of 40 | Posted by That One Dude | Posted on March 25, 2005 5:40 PM
I only liked the movie because Shannon Lucio is hhhhhhhhhoooooooooooooottttttttttt
37 of 40 | Posted by That One Dude | Posted on March 25, 2005 5:41 PM
oops I posted twice... lol!!!
38 of 40 | Posted by That One Dude | Posted on March 25, 2005 5:43 PM
hey i saw the first half and i thought it was kool but i didnt get to watch the second half so if anyone figures out when it is going to be on again plzz tell me! muazz thanx
39 of 40 | Posted by Pimpin Grl | Posted on March 30, 2005 8:00 PM
exicting but i fell asleep
40 of 40 | Posted by hiya | Posted on March 31, 2005 3:19 PM