(Please note that all times are approximate and most likely incorrect.)

9:00pm
The movie opens with a random quartet of thirtysomething ladies having a picnic on the high seas. It's not really very logical, especially since the ladies are draped around an inflatable raft, a.k.a. the easiest thing to capsize EVER. One slovenly woman excitedly mentions that Spring Break is just around the corner. Aren't these ladies a bit old to be doing Spring Break? Or are we in for a bunch of Gabrielle Carteris coeds?

9:01pm
"Alice would have loved this," says one of the Kim Catrall wannabes. Everyone sighs. Um, are we supposed to catch the significance of Alice? The Sex In The Ocean moment is brutally interrupted though when the ugliest member of the group is suddenly pulled underwater. General screams ensue, followed by the obligatory consumption of each woman. Wait, I wanted to know more about Alice. Oh cruel world! Whither Alice? Whither Alice?

9:02pm
We meet Danielle, played by Shannon Lucio who displays little if any range from her Lindsay character on The OC. At least she's better than the monotone actresses playing her two friends. "Come on Danielle," they say, trying to coax their bookish friend down to Spring Break. "The sun, the surf, the sand. And tons of gorgeous men." Yeah, that's all great, but why did they hire the people who dub over Asian movies to play her friends?

9:05pm
Danielle asks her dad if she can go to Spring Break. He says no. "Those guys, they're all sharks." Okay, we'll just start up the obvious shark foreshadowing counter now. 1.

9:05pm
Danielle's dad notes that preying on innocent girls is what guys do on Spring Break. "It's in their nature." Shark foreshadowing: 2.

9:06pm
The scene and movie comes to a complete halt (or at least maintains its halted state) when Danielle calls out her dad for an affair he had a few months ago. Mom and Dad look down at their plates sadly. Who called in Edward Albee for the rewrites?

9:06pm
Exactly one second after the family seems headed for a domestic drama not seen since The Ice Storm, or at least an Olive Garden commercial, Danielle's parents happily smile as they wave goodbye to their daughter who's going off to help Habitat for Humanity. So that whole extra-marital affair thing, we'll just pretend it didn't happen, mmkay?

9:10pm
Tricky Danielle doesn't go to Colorado to build houses for the poor. She sneaks off to Florida where the music never stops! We then are treated to a lovely montage of bikini bottoms prancing around the shoreline. Ah yes, Vagina Beach. Home of, you guessed it, vagina. We then cut to a random old man sitting amongst the young coeds and reading a newspaper. Look, I know directors like to do cameos, but this just isn't working.