TVgasm Recaps

By B-Side and Madeyoulaugh

TVgasm rarely covers made for TV movies, but every once in a while, a true gem comes along that must be seen. No, we're not talking about Dynasty: The Making of Guilty Pleasure. We're referring to Spring Break Shark Attack, CBS's latest and random foray into the teen horror genre. Needless to say, it was terrible. And yet two hours later, we left the TV feeling supremely entertained. But that might have more to do with some awkwardly placed herpes commercials.

Anyway, with The OC's Shannon Lucio at the helm, we would be remiss to leave this movie uncommented on. So without further review, here is the TVgasm play by play of Spring Break Shark Attack.

by madeyoulaugh and J-Unit

Had god made the 8th plague viewing LOCUST's rather than actual locusts, Pharaoh would have let his people go before the second Enzyte commercial.

So imagine the made for TV movie of the week genre is a barrel. Now within that barrel, there are the I KNOW MY FIRST NAME IS STEVEN's and TAKEN's floating near the top, a 10.5 hovering near a SPRING BREAK SHARK ATTACK at the lower level, but beneath all those, at the bottom of the barrel is the thick sludge of the that barrel. It's so thick and sludgy than even a high pressure water hose, solvents bleaches and latino day labor couldn't get the barrel clean. In short, it ruins the barrel forever tainting anything ever placed into said barrel. Yes, CBS has forever ruined every movie of the week by making Locusts. And as therapy we are sharing our moment by moment recap misery with you, to dilute the pain.

Many people were upset that they missed out on the very, very painful Les Moonves special "Locusts". TVgasm did the play by play afterwards, but it's a lot better if you get a sample beforehand. With that in mind, please let us remind everybody that Rosie O'Donnell and Andie McDowell have teamed up bring us Riding the Bus With My Sister. We don't normally like to make fun of the handicapped (OK, Constantine is an exception), but seriously, this is just too easy.

The movie airs this Sunday at 9 PM. If you haven't seen a commercial for this yet, we have your little taste after the jump.

Because of the positive response to our liveblogging of Riding The Bus With My Sister, we've decided to assemble a brief montage of our favorite Rosie O'Donnell moments. Be warned: you may need to lower the volume on your computer, lest you blow out the speakers. Enjoy...

(Quicktime required)

Also, be sure to play this clip again with your eyes closed. Really brings the experience to a new level.

After Wednesday night's slick and smarmy repentance-fest on Dr. Phil, Pat O'Brien would have us believe that his days of boozin' and usin' are over. Could this be true? The era of coke-infused tomfoolery that brought us so many enjoyable and unsavory voicemail messages would be no more? Of course not! After all, alcoholism is an addiction, and it can't simply be cured overnight. Case in point: Pat O'Brien's latest relapse which had him calling Rosie O'Donnell and leaving salacious messages. In a TVgasm exclusive, we have a recording of the whole session. Click below for the shocking conversations. (Due to some language, NSFW)

To listen to the audio, click on Pat and Rosie above or click here

J-Unit ADDS: I uploaded this for b-side because I wanted to post it early. When he wakes up, he'll certainly have a much more witty intro than me. But thank his genius for all of the audio.

B-Side Adds: Thank you J-Unit for posting this during my slumber.

I love the Muppets, and will sit through The Muppets Take Manhattan or The Great Muppet Caper at practically any moment of the day, any day of the year. Now, I will say that my excitement is slightly tempered by the idea of the modern-day ABC handling this event. Will the story suffer through what I'm sure will be a bunch of attempts to add a little flavor to the story line in a way that only fifty-year-old white television executives know how? Perhaps, but the Muppet humor usually shines through anyway. Take a look at the cast. Ashanti plays Dorothy, Kermit plays the Scarecrow, Gonzo the Tin Man, Fozzie the Cowardly Lion (a role J-Unit also played when he was 12), and Miss Piggy is the Wicked Witch of the West. That's one hell of a lineup.

So, go ahead and mock me, but I'll be setting my TiVo to record this when it airs this Friday night, May 20th, at 8 PM. Don't let my disturbing boner imagery prevent you from tuning in as well. Who knows, if it is good maybe we'll get that Fraggle Rock version of Pulp Fiction I've been clamoring for.

More on the series and the contest after the jump.

Hallmark Hall of Fame ran a full page "For Your Emmy Consideration" ad in today’s Variety for Rosie O'Donnell as Best Actress in a Made-for-TV Movie. The ad pulls one of Rosie's more retarded-looking moments from the film as she looks upwards, mouth agape and jaw slightly askew as to allow any excess salivant to trickle gingerly aloft her chin(s), whilst hoisting her arms skywards, paws up, and sausaged filanges bent and gnarled in classic mocking the retarded fashion. The image is so magical, you can almost hear the retard roar of "GNNNYAAAHHHH" bellowing out of her Stay-Puff'd face.

As we did a year ago with Big Brother 5 and as VoteForTheWorste did this year, I urge all TV Academy voters to at the very least nominate Rosie for this Emmy. Does she deserve it? No, of course not. But, I for one would be happier than Jessica Alba's panties to see Rosie give her acceptance speech and get serious about mental health. As usual, I ask if you don't do it for me, do it for these guys.

Thanks to TVGasm reader Pryze for alerting us to the ad.

CBS will undoubtedly send out their own voting screeners, but we at tvgasm will always have our own Emmy Screener.

UPDATED SCAN - - Full Ad After The Jump

TVgasm reader and sorryigotdrunk.com contributor spotdog sends us more proof that Rosie O'Donnell can't be stopped. The reviews from her performance in Riding the Bus with My Sister are so outstanding, other shows are taking cues from her campaign in order to win some Emmy goodness of their own.

Click on image for larger ad (opens in new window)

UPDATE - Rosie is not a crook! (after the jump)

We love our giveaways here at TVgasm, and for once, I actually have something to contribute. Yes, it's the official Emmy screener of Riding The Bus With My Sister, the Hallmark Hall of Fame opus featuring Rosie O'Donnell as a very loud, very annoying, and very overacted mentally challenged woman. For those of you who never witnessed this star turn or just simply forgot about it, by all means, check out the video here.

So what are the rules of this little competition? Well, inspired by Rosie's blog which is famously written in verse, I've decided that it would only be appropriate for readers to submit their own poetry. You can write about Rosie, the movie, or both. Submissions via magnetic poetry are welcomed (even encouraged), but old-fashioned text is acceptable as well.

The winning entry will be posted September 16th (the Friday before the Emmys).

Send all submissions to bside@tvgasm.com. Contest closes September 15th.

Sample after the jump...

Well folks, CBS has done it again. In the grand tradition of TV movies seemingly created only for people to make fun of, we can look forward to Martha Behind Bars: It Wasn't Such a Good Thing. This special presentation, airing Sunday Sept, 25th at 9PM Eastern, promises to chronicle "the events that led to the downfall and subsequent reemergence of America's favorite domestic diva." I think it was made to chronicle how you don't need actual talent to make it in this town. It also demands that TVgasm blogs this movie and reports back to all of you.

We could describe it in more detail, but wouldn't it be easier to just watch the commercial yourself? More after the jump.

TVgasm has made it a tradition of liveblogging some of the more, how do I say it, um...shitty offerings of the Tiffany Network. It started with Spring Break Shark Attack, continued with Locusts and culminated with our seminal work on Riding the Bus With My Sister. We promised to cover the recent Martha Stewart made-for-TV classic, but a weekend of football in Whale's Vagina (and an intern who forgot to set the Tivo) made us miss that opportunity.

If you have been waiting for the next straight-to-broadcast work of the minions of Viacom, your time has come. This weekend, CBS brings us Vampire Bats. I'm not sure why CBS isn't promoting this show on their website, because when we heard Lucy Lawless had signed on for another nature-destroys-mankind epic, we couldn't resist. Is it the makings of another instant classic for Les and his lackeys? See for yourself:

Click on Lucy and prepare to be amazed.

So, when I first mentioned that Vampire Bats was going to be appearing on CBS, I thought that Lucy Lawless had been typecast into roles as women who are trying to stop flying creatures from destroying the earth. When I looked to see that CBS has finally put up some promotional material for the special, I learn that it's even worse. Vampire Bats is actually a sequel, of sorts, to Locusts, which madeyoulaugh and I recapped earlier this year. She's left the horrible world of the USDA where she was just moments away from right after she discovered that they wanted her to head up a task force that was to prepare for the country in case millions of frogs fell out of the sky after listening to Frank Mackey or the crab people decide to invade. Our heroine, Maddy Rierdon lest you should forget, has moved with her husband and two daughters to Louisiana to become a teacher. But she can never escape the horror that is about to envelope her. Are you scared yet? Are you at least laughing or drunk? OK! Let's get started!

You can find out who won after the jump and we have more TVgasm giveaways lined up, so make sure to come back and enter.

UPDATE: Reader zevonia reminds me that I promised a prom tale of my own from my high school in sleepy upstate, NY. I've added my prom tale after the jump.

Tonight, on ABC, magician David Blaine has another special of him not doing magic. After bing submerged in a tank of water for a week (another non amazing non magic thing he did) he will attempt to hold his breath for a record breaking 9 minutes!! THAT'S LONGER THAN ANY OTHER PERSON EVER, FREAKING WOW!!

Allow me to break this down for a moment. For over 60 years television has brought into our homes innovative story telling, variety shows, world news and now a two hour Monday night event all leading up to a dude holding his breath. Is this really television worthy? I enjoy ghetto trash and the hottest girl in the trailer park vying for Flava-Flav's attention as much as the next guy, but 2 hours leading up to holding ones breath for 8 minutes is hardly enough to pull me away from PRISON BREAK and 24. Thankfully, that's what TIVO is for and I will likely set mine for the last 12 minutes of the special which begins on ABC tonight at 8/7 central

What do you think, is this TV worthy or is it at best a cool webcast?

Finally, television is using its reach to tell the story that needs to be told. One that has been the base of curiosity for an exhausting and exhilarating and endless five days. Yes, that's right, Shiloh-malamadingdong Pitt-Jolie-Cruise will finally have her life story told this weekend when VH1 airs The Fabulous Life of Baby Brangelina. The show will focus on the rollercoaster of a life Shiloh has had. The ups... the downs... all the drama that comes with five days of existence.

The press release boasts, "Along with weaving expert interviews, original field segments, and candid footage, The Fabulous Life of Baby Brangelina will also feature computer generated images of what baby Shiloh might look like at ages 10, 15, and 20." I can't help but wonder what qualifies someone as an "expert" on a five day-old situation. Are there courses being offered at institutions of higher learning to become a Pitt-Jolie-ologist, thus qualifying someone as a certified expert? And second, who are these lame people who take the time to put together a theorized imaginary future for the children of celebrities? ..... oh, right.

Today's headline news is all aflutter today over the capture of the "Serial Sniper" who has been haunting the Phoenix area this summer. Dale Hausner is a bartender and aspiring sports photographer who's been linked by the Phoenix police department to 6 murders in the past 17 weeks.

When all Buttafuoco type news stories break, TVgasm office's buzz with the hard hitting question...who's gonna play the lead in the TV movie version?

See our top picks after the jump.

It's been a while since we've liveblogged a TV movie here at TVgasm. The last one I can remember enduring was none other than Riding the Bus with My Sister, and that was back in 2005. Well, after seeing promos for the latest Lifetime movie, To Be Fat Like Me, I knew I simply could not pass up the chance to view this spectacle. Kaley Cuoco? Caroline Rhea? A fat suit? It sounded too good to be true. The entire weighty recap after the jump...

"You're as handsome as Cary Grant!" "And you're as beautiful as my hugely pregnant wife!"

It's still 1963, which means we'll all spend the entire season waiting for a great big book-depository-shaped shoe to drop. Last season's British Invasion has affected the structure of Sterling-Cooper, but the players are all pretty much how we left them: Roger is still the very definition of a cad, Pete is alternately jubilant and petulant, Ken is Kool as a Kucumber, Joan is still a smoking hot firecracker, and Don is still, you know. Don. So what's the back half of 1963 got in store for these folks? Let's find out!