Les Moonves Hates Us... - 
by madeyoulaugh
by madeyoulaugh and J-Unit
Had god made the 8th plague viewing LOCUST's rather than actual locusts, Pharaoh would have let his people go before the second Enzyte commercial.
So imagine the made for TV movie of the week genre is a barrel. Now within that barrel, there are the I KNOW MY FIRST NAME IS STEVEN's and TAKEN's floating near the top, a 10.5 hovering near a SPRING BREAK SHARK ATTACK at the lower level, but beneath all those, at the bottom of the barrel is the thick sludge of the that barrel. It's so thick and sludgy than even a high pressure water hose, solvents bleaches and latino day labor couldn't get the barrel clean. In short, it ruins the barrel forever tainting anything ever placed into said barrel. Yes, CBS has forever ruined every movie of the week by making Locusts. And as therapy we are sharing our moment by moment recap misery with you, to dilute the pain.
9:00 The flick starts off with an establishing shot of a building with X-Files style typing along the bottom of screen....oh this is going to be crap!
9:00.09
CBS' version of a sexy underaged teenage mid-drift showing lab assistant for some reason invited her boyfriend to make out by the locusts. But first, she needs to feed the locusts a plant. If only there were written directions she could follow on how to place a plant in front of a locust...
9:01
She's reading the directions step by step on how to feed locusts. She follows them word for word, except for the part about putting on a safety suit...less than 90 seconds in....this is going to make Spring Break Shark Attack look like Schindlers List.
9:03
Sans protective suit our belly showing dream teen sachets into a lucite box filled with flying locusts, and then freaks out when they begin to fly around and touch her. I'd question the logic but, she showed her belly button so I guess it makes sense.
9:03
Teen dream gets pulled out of the swarming box of unruly unwieldily locusts just before the locusts....ummm....just before they...uhhh...raped her! Yeah! They were just about to rape her, but luckily she was rescued by her boy toy in the nick of time. Thankfully none of the Locusts escaped the box during the 45 seconds the door was wide open. They may be carnivorous, mutant, raping locusts, but they respect the boundaries implemented upon them.
9:05
It's Sunday night, I don't live with mom, I've had real sex, and yet I am watching a movie which just boasted on the screen "Starring Lucy Lawless." I think I just had my 1st TVgasm of the night and I haven't even see Xena yet!!!
9:06
We first meet Xena...sorry wrong show, she's n agriculturalist in this one, my mistake. Eh hem, we first me Dr. Xena while getting dressed after a post coital moment with Mr. Xena....sorry "Dan" her boyfriend. CBS has been dying to put a nipple back in its primetime lineup and decided, what the hey, it's only a Xena nipple. Not like she doesn't show it off all the time anyways. and here it is. Xena in panties. and see through bra.
This puts the Xena nipple counts at1
9:07
Xena nipple count - 2
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