by madeyoulaugh and J-Unit
Had god made the 8th plague viewing LOCUST's rather than actual locusts, Pharaoh would have let his people go before the second Enzyte commercial.
So imagine the made for TV movie of the week genre is a barrel. Now within that barrel, there are the I KNOW MY FIRST NAME IS STEVEN's and TAKEN's floating near the top, a 10.5 hovering near a SPRING BREAK SHARK ATTACK at the lower level, but beneath all those, at the bottom of the barrel is the thick sludge of the that barrel. It's so thick and sludgy than even a high pressure water hose, solvents bleaches and latino day labor couldn't get the barrel clean. In short, it ruins the barrel forever tainting anything ever placed into said barrel. Yes, CBS has forever ruined every movie of the week by making Locusts. And as therapy we are sharing our moment by moment recap misery with you, to dilute the pain.
9:00 The flick starts off with an establishing shot of a building with X-Files style typing along the bottom of screen....oh this is going to be crap!
9:00.09
CBS' version of a sexy underaged teenage mid-drift showing lab assistant for some reason invited her boyfriend to make out by the locusts. But first, she needs to feed the locusts a plant. If only there were written directions she could follow on how to place a plant in front of a locust...
9:01
She's reading the directions step by step on how to feed locusts. She follows them word for word, except for the part about putting on a safety suit...less than 90 seconds in....this is going to make Spring Break Shark Attack look like Schindlers List.
9:03
Sans protective suit our belly showing dream teen sachets into a lucite box filled with flying locusts, and then freaks out when they begin to fly around and touch her. I'd question the logic but, she showed her belly button so I guess it makes sense.
9:03
Teen dream gets pulled out of the swarming box of unruly unwieldily locusts just before the locusts....ummm....just before they...uhhh...raped her! Yeah! They were just about to rape her, but luckily she was rescued by her boy toy in the nick of time. Thankfully none of the Locusts escaped the box during the 45 seconds the door was wide open. They may be carnivorous, mutant, raping locusts, but they respect the boundaries implemented upon them.
9:05
It's Sunday night, I don't live with mom, I've had real sex, and yet I am watching a movie which just boasted on the screen "Starring Lucy Lawless." I think I just had my 1st TVgasm of the night and I haven't even see Xena yet!!!
9:06
We first meet Xena...sorry wrong show, she's n agriculturalist in this one, my mistake. Eh hem, we first me Dr. Xena while getting dressed after a post coital moment with Mr. Xena....sorry "Dan" her boyfriend. CBS has been dying to put a nipple back in its primetime lineup and decided, what the hey, it's only a Xena nipple. Not like she doesn't show it off all the time anyways. and here it is. Xena in panties. and see through bra.
This puts the Xena nipple counts at1
9:07
Xena nipple count - 2
9:08 Dr. Xena learns from Dr. Axelrod that Lab C-12 holds the locusts.
9:09
DR. Axelrod: Basically I created an indestructible locust that multiplies 4 times faster than regular and lives twice as long. In retrospect I probably should have used puppies. I mean, locusts? What was I thinking? thats just silly.
Put this mask on. What for? I had a burrito, extra chipolté...sorry
9:10After Dr. Xena yells at Axelrod for his creation of a dangerous biochemical weapon (i.e. grody bugs), Axelrod decides not to tell her about the other labs. In lab C-13: gangstas resistant to bullets and in C-14: a strain of AIDS transmittable by thinking of someone else. And the creme de la creme C-15: the Elven Thief with +5 Chain Mail, +5 Mythril Helmet, +10 damage, and +5 magic defense. All your Magic the Gathering Tournaments are belong to us!
9:11
Dr. Xena "We don't even want one of those things getting out!" Hey, isn't that one of those, eh, you know, em, whatyacallit, foreshadowing dealies?
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Comments (14)
ok I know I should be proud of TVGasms posts....but nothing we came up with made me laugh harder than watching that damn Retard Rosie ad...
MYL
1 of 14 | Posted by madeyoulaugh | Posted on April 25, 2005 8:48 PM
Bearer of Bad Tidings again:
On a Mac, the 10.5 link doesn't work. Wouldn't say anything normally, but your "I Know My First Name Is Steven" reference deserves some help putting the shit to shame.
[ed note - actually, the 10.5 isn't a link at all, just some sloppy code editing that made it look like one]
2 of 14 | Posted by cutebutstupid | Posted on April 25, 2005 10:11 PM
"This guy used the subtlety of Tom Arnold's anus on Chili day at the set of Best Damn Sports Show Ever..."
This hysterical line is only disturbed by the realization that someone has actually thought about Tom Arnold's anus.
Beautiful recap. Thanks J-Unit, MYL and sweet, sweet alcohol...
3 of 14 | Posted by HicksPub | Posted on April 26, 2005 6:07 AM
Wait-so that rosie retard movie is NEXT sunday?? holy crap, I thought that was something from back when full house, step by step and family matters were top shows. That shit's going to be unbelievable.
4 of 14 | Posted by huh | Posted on April 26, 2005 6:20 AM
Great recap & thanks for all the pictures. Damn I can't believed I missed this captastic "movie"!!!
p.s. How do you pronounce Moonves?
5 of 14 | Posted by Genevieve | Posted on April 26, 2005 7:36 AM
What is Guy-Pearce-news-correspondent-guy's name? Carlos Penisaurus?
6 of 14 | Posted by greg | Posted on April 26, 2005 7:45 AM
Thanks for the great pics and links in this. You HAVE GOT TO recap the retard movie! I can't wait!
7 of 14 | Posted by Spike | Posted on April 26, 2005 8:11 AM
Sans protective suit our belly showing dream teen "sachets" --- sachays
Man, that was crap, and I only watched snippets while surfing....
8 of 14 | Posted by plumes | Posted on April 26, 2005 9:00 AM
Genevieve,
Moonves is pronounced Moon-Vez.
MYL
9 of 14 | Posted by madeyoulaugh | Posted on April 26, 2005 9:00 AM
Moonves is pronounced ---- Crappy exec ---
Moon - veees
Can t wait to see " Riding my sister on the bus"
10 of 14 | Posted by Plumes | Posted on April 26, 2005 9:04 AM
I don't understand what the world is coming to. Luckily I hadn't even heard of this show except for here. (I love Tivo fast forward) Does anyone remember when Rosie was funny and cute and suspiciously flirted with Tom Cruise? When she started appearing on her show sans make-up I knew she was about to come out any second, and get all political, then it was downhill from there. No matter what kind of acting job she does, she's going to have a really hard time convincing anyone she is not retarded after next week...
11 of 14 | Posted by smithie | Posted on April 26, 2005 12:07 PM
My vote is Moon-Vez
12 of 14 | Posted by smithie | Posted on April 26, 2005 12:08 PM
I love you guys.
I didn't watch Spring Break Shark Attack and laughed my ass off at the recap...I should have learned but didn't. Now, I've missed yet another craptastic movie of the week and laughed my ass off at the recap again. Maybe, just maybe I'll watch the next one.
13 of 14 | Posted by mountain girl | Posted on April 26, 2005 2:08 PM
I was always thinking Moonies for some reason.
Definetly do a recap of the Rosie movie....with LOTS of pictures please :)
I don't have TIVO and I have to watch the cartoon special on Sunday....so I'm relying on you guys.
14 of 14 | Posted by Genevieve | Posted on April 27, 2005 12:20 PM