8:28 PM
It's nearly 8:30, and I'm starting up the movie. It Tivo'd a few hours ago; so don't get all confused by my time stamps. Nevertheless, the first thing we see is The Cuocu jogging! Ah, but this vibrant morning activity is soon interwoven with extreme closes ups of bacon and eggs frying in their own evil fat. And don't get me started on the butter. It's so sinister that it warrants a special "HOLY SHIT LOOK AT THIS BUTTER!!!!" zoom! Don't you see the irony? Kaley Cuoco is jogging AGAINST fat! This movie is so deep.

8:28 PM
Here's a shocker. Turns out the nastiest breakfast of all time is being whipped up by none other than Caroline Rhea. Fat enabler!

8:29 PM
Kaley has since returned home from her morning jog, which means it's time for some breakfast bickering. First, Caroline Rhea tells Kaley that she's working too hard and is missing all the fun of high school. A bitter Kaley replies that she has to work hard if she wants to afford college. Sounds like some issues are simmering under the surface -- like two metaphorical strips of bacon in Caroline Rhea's skillet of fatty horrors!

"I wonder if she's still mad that I deep fried her Caesar salad last night..."

8:30 PM
Turns out Kaley's character's name is Aly. More improtantly, however, she has an Achilles heel! SHE CAN'T DO MATH! 2 + 2 = NIGHTMARE FOR ALY!

8:31 PM
This makes total sense. There's a man dressed like an alien hanging out, drinking coffee outside of Kaley's apartment. Don't you just hate it when that happens?

"So... wanna go eat some baby mice?"

8:31 PM
Seriously, there's a man dressed like an alien who lives upstairs from Aly.

"Hey, Xoqrx. I got your copy of Melmac Quarterly in the mail by accident."

8:32 PM
And now to high school! We're suddenly in Aly's documentary film class. And sitting up at the front is... Tina Fey? Huh. Okay, it's not really Tina Fey. It's like a high school, lesbian-ish version of her. Disarming nonetheless.

8:33 PM
Aly spies a hot guy hanging out by his red sports car. She clearly has a crush on him. I wonder if she'll come to realize that he's a superficial bastard! THE FAT SUIT WILL REVEAL ALL!!!

8:34 PM
Lesbian Fey wants Aly to partner up for a student film, but before she can do much convincing, here comes a slutty bitch (a.k.a. Aly's best friend) who tears Aly away from the sapphic grip of her classmate. Hmmm... what are the chances that slutty bitch will later reject Aly -- her very own friend -- in a fat suit? IT WILL BE DEVASTATING!

8:45 PM
Like omg! The hot guy's been asking about Aly! And he's staring at her doing crunches for softball practice. STALKER!

9:09 PM
All this talk about fat suits and bacon had made me hungry. I had to eat dinner. But I'm back now. Where were we. Ah yes. The stalker hunky dude...

9:09 PM
Coach just heard back from a scout at "State." He's coming to watch Aly and her slutty friend (Kendall). But truthfully, Aly's the one that the scout really wants. Looks like there could be a full ride scholarship. I wonder if she'll have to make a choice between this and something else. Something with a moral dilemma!

9:11 PM
Will the horrors never cease? Aly's fat younger brother gets teased by the local bully. Children are so mean to the fat youth of America! Thank you Lifetime for broaching this difficult subject.

9:11 PM
Back at home, it's apparent that Aly has been raised in a family of sass. Yes, it's nonstop sassiness. Wisecracks left and right. I guess that's what happens when your mom is Caroline Rhea. Sass-a-thon!