Xena Saves the World, Part the Second - 
by J-Unit
So, when I first mentioned that Vampire Bats was going to be appearing on CBS, I thought that Lucy Lawless had been typecast into roles as women who are trying to stop flying creatures from destroying the earth. When I looked to see that CBS has finally put up some promotional material for the special, I learn that it's even worse. Vampire Bats is actually a sequel, of sorts, to Locusts, which madeyoulaugh and I recapped earlier this year. She's left the horrible world of the USDA where she was just moments away from right after she discovered that they wanted her to head up a task force that was to prepare for the country in case millions of frogs fell out of the sky after listening to Frank Mackey or the crab people decide to invade. Our heroine, Maddy Rierdon lest you should forget, has moved with her husband and two daughters to Louisiana to become a teacher. But she can never escape the horror that is about to envelope her. Are you scared yet? Are you at least laughing or drunk? OK! Let's get started!
9:00
The announcer, uh, announces that "It's feeding time!" if that doesn't get you excited enough to miss a rerun of Desperate Housewives, I don't know what will.
9:01
Beautiful Tate University. Lush campus, coeds in bikinis playing slip and slide on frat row. OK Les, you win. AGAIN.
9:02
A girl and two of her guy friends walk past the Greek houses. They don't drink and are modest about their bodies. I wonder if they will somehow save the day while the hedonous fraternity and sorority types succumb to the deadly bats.
9:03
After cutting across the cemetery, the kids are invited to an underground rave, by a guy...passing out flyers to an underground rave. Doesn't that sort of defeat the purpose of making it underground?
9:04
"The party is in the middle of nowhere, that's what makes it underground," explains Low Rent Freddie Prinze Jr. He, his sidekick, and the girl the guy inviting them to the party wanted to have sex with make it to an old house and buy cups for "Planter's Punch", which we just saw was spiked moments earlier.
9:05
Freddie comes on to Eden, and even though the drugs are working, she isn't dumb enough to sleep with him in the middle of the bayou. In the background, sidekick boy spins around like an autistic kid in a planetarium
Sidekick is lost and alone, and his vintage East German military fatigues aren't helping him. This movie is either anti-drugs or pro-buddy system, I can't decide which.
9:07
Uh, oh, some electronica is playing. It's feeding time!
9:08
Dr. Xena, who is now Dr. Momma Xena has two kids, a minivan, and is too cheap for air conditioning. Xena Nipple Count: 0.
9:08:30
The help is in Guatemala? Filming Survivor? No, sick aunt. What is Dr. Momma Xena going to do with the kids?
9:09
Dr. Momma Xena's sister in-law is Brett Butler. Could she be here for...comic relief? This movie has everything!
Blonde girl in pink top asks Mr. Dr. Xena if he is seeing anybody. When he says he is married, she replies "How unfortunate." Clearly not as unfortunate as the untimely death your minor speaking role just foreshadowed.
9:12
Dr. Xena takes attendance. Jason Ortiz is missing. but he didn't miss a class last semester. Oh that's right, last semester he avoided the underground raves that took place near vampire bat breeding grounds.
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