I have a confession to make: I went into the new The Apprentice: Martha Stewart with lower expectations than most. I'm not a Martha hater but after the last season of Trump's Apprentice, I had soured on the show and its concept. Now that I've seen the premiere of Martha's version, I can happily admit I was wrong. I really enjoyed the show - so much so that afterwards I celebrated by whipping up some fresh homemade cream sauce in honor of Martha. And then I cleaned up and went to the kitchen to cook something as well.
The show opened with a quick and dirty review of Martha's rise to the top from her humble beginnings. On one hand, dear Martha is to be admired for her work ethic and business acumen. On the other, she's a bit infamous for being a heavy-handed bitch - and let's not forget that she married rich which certainly helped her at the beginning of her ascent. Another proven tactic was displayed right off the bat; in her review of her life, Martha bragged (rightfully) that she had become one of the most "prestigious and well known brands." Except in Martha-speak, the second syllable of "prestigious" is a short, clipped 'i' vowel sound, rather than the long 'e' sound we all say. As ever, she's not incorrect in her ways, just better than you. (She also says "herbs" without making the 'h' silent. I love that - and I'll watch the whole season hoping to hear it on her Apprentice.)
Martha went on to mention her 1997 contract with Kmart (hardly prestigious or "presteegious") and how she borrowed 85 million dollars to buy back her own name brand and magazine. At this she stated, "I then became the first self-made billionaire woman in the world, and that felt really good." No doubt - now how do I go about borrowing 85 mill? Is there a form to fill out online? Martha did mention her prison term, referred to herself in the 3rd person, and even had a phony little "important phone call from important place" vignette a la The Donald himself. At that, a silly platitude about first impressions being important, I pumped my fist and knew that Mark Burnett was treating this show as I'd hoped. That is, fully acknowledging the original with a playful nod towards some of its quirks.
Now fully versed on Marthistory, we rode along with Martha in her Lincoln Navigator through the streets of Manhattan on her way to work. "Dear Martha, Not only are gigantor SUV's economically and socially out of favor, but they are completely impractical for your commute into the city. Cordially, sg-dub." She parked and strode through the Martha Stewart Living offices while she narrated the rules and differences of her Apprentice. Essentially, Martha's looking for a "team player because that's the way we work here." She demonstrated the happy Living office attitude by stopping by some cubicles and pretending to make editorial decisions on the fly. "I love that, don't you? Except the logo is too small!" She cheerily made her way to her office and we were treated to her second special Martha pronunciation: "Candidates." But not "candidits" like we lowlifes say, but rather, "Candid-dates" like "Candid Camera" and, "Dates." Again, nothing wrong with that, per se, but god, it takes such effort to talk like that. And that's why we love Martha.

Every Rose Has a Thorn
The candiDATES trickled into the lobby and were greeted by Martha's Robin, an equally pretty and smiley woman named Julia. Now, finally, the show would begin in earnest. If you weren't excited by this point, the sped-up Eurythmics "Sweet Dreams" opening montage certainly did it for you. Not sure why that song was sped up, but it definitely was and I liked it. "Dear Martha, it's the little things, isn't it? Cordially, sg-dub." The candiDATES were quickly introduced and I was immediately struck by Carrie's 1987 Poison video teased up, blown out, and hair sprayed blond hair. I immediately disliked her - hey, Martha said that first impressions were very important, right? Also, this show has a guy named Howie! And he's handsome! No word yet on if he considers himself a Jedi or if he loves boobies or not, though. [Editor's note: That was a Big Brother 6 reference so if you didn't watch it or read the recaps, that made no sense. Also, if you didn't watch it or read the recaps, you missed out - big time.]
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Comments (31)
dear sg-dub,
what really bugged me about this show is that carrie is supposedly a creative director, and yet she put herself on the corporate team.
wassupwidat?
cordially,
copygodd
p.s. great recap.
1 of 31 | Posted by copygodd | Posted on September 22, 2005 3:20 PM
A fantastic synopsis ... didn't Jim star in "American Psycho" a real warm guy!
Pretty much the same show as The Donalds' ... can't really see an audience for both ... I'll stick with the original.
2 of 31 | Posted by Jim | Posted on September 22, 2005 3:36 PM
Ew! Ew! Ew! Dawn was a nasty crotch that wasn't a team player. I know that Jeff could be a bit Hitler-like, but Dawn was an *sshole. So was Jim for that matter. Did you notice how they became catty and nasty so quickly? It usually takes the Donald's APPRENTICE a few episodes to turn bitchy.
3 of 31 | Posted by Judy Bernley | Posted on September 22, 2005 3:48 PM
Excellent recap! I was laughing from the moment I read about the homemade cream sauce ("...so much so that afterwards I celebrated by whipping up some fresh homemade cream sauce in honor of Martha. And then I cleaned up and went to the kitchen to cook something as well"). I only wish you'd written more about what tools the contestants are. Like that guy who said he's falling in love with Martha Stewart or when the contestants were at the publishing house, all of them started clapping when they learned the task. Those were the biggest WTF moments of the show if you ask me.
4 of 31 | Posted by Aries | Posted on September 22, 2005 4:34 PM
uh - who does say 'herbs' with an 'h'?
5 of 31 | Posted by sean | Posted on September 22, 2005 5:08 PM
I have not seen one episode, but does Shawn remind you of Jennifer Jason Leigh's psychotic character in Single White Female? I am waiting for the episode she gets her hair exactly like Martha's and becomes the Martha.
6 of 31 | Posted by British | Posted on September 22, 2005 5:10 PM
Is Alexi the next Melissa Rivers?
7 of 31 | Posted by XETMOT | Posted on September 22, 2005 5:37 PM
Wow that picture really does look like Suze Orman
8 of 31 | Posted by runswithscissors | Posted on September 22, 2005 8:21 PM
Dear sg-dub,
Thank you for making me laugh so hard I snorted.
Cordially,
mountain girl
9 of 31 | Posted by mountain girl | Posted on September 22, 2005 8:56 PM
You had me at "homemade cream sauce". That girl looks EXACTLY like Suze Orman - freaky. Excellent recap, thanks.
10 of 31 | Posted by bdos88 | Posted on September 22, 2005 10:27 PM
Great recap -- you hit on all the points that made me laugh or go "huh?" though there was a lot more "huh?" than laughs.
At first I thought Jim was trying to become this season's "character" along the lines of Raj, but by the end I decided that he's just that annoying 24/7.
It's not a perfect show, but I find it a lot easier to listen to and watch Martha than The Donald.
11 of 31 | Posted by Maura | Posted on September 22, 2005 11:44 PM
NB Martha Stewart (which i pronounce stu/WART) if you struck it rich gold-digging you are a pussy-made millionaire NOT a self-made millionaire. See the difference? You probably wouldn't since you yourself are a cunt.
12 of 31 | Posted by borgia | Posted on September 23, 2005 12:05 AM
Only when she didn't freak out at the end of the story-reading and eat all the children did I realize that WASN'T Suze Orman.
13 of 31 | Posted by Mike | Posted on September 23, 2005 6:21 AM
Dear Sug-dub,
Is that "OH-MAHJ" or "omidge" in your note to Martha re: her assistants? I want to be able to read your recaps in an authentic voice. Thanks ever so!
Bobbie
14 of 31 | Posted by Bobbie | Posted on September 23, 2005 6:29 AM
I was disappointed the show was SO much like the other Apprentice. Even the music was the same! At least Martha is easier to listen to. sg-dub, your hilarious recaps will keep me watching this rip-off show just so I can laugh out loud the next day. Loved the vision of Jeff in his lederhosen and nipple clamps. Genius!
15 of 31 | Posted by TV-Eyes | Posted on September 23, 2005 6:45 AM
Also, when Martha delivered her much anticipated catchphrase, nobody even recognized it for what it was. Jeff didn't realized he was fired til she awkwardly said "Goodbye."
I expected better from you, Martha. You let me down.
16 of 31 | Posted by TV-Eyes | Posted on September 23, 2005 6:51 AM
"the only flavor present in the bunch was Vietnamese Jennifer. And something tells me she's not exactly going to be 'keeping it real,' as it were."
I'm sure the candiDATES will be challenged to plow a rice patty or give *The Marthandroid a mani-peti or do some really hard math. Then it'll be Jennifer's time to shine.
*What do you think of the phrase Marthandroid? eh? eh? Cuz if this bitch aint a match for the Chenbot, who is?
17 of 31 | Posted by E.B. | Posted on September 23, 2005 7:47 AM
>
brits. and me, since i'm married to one. best used extensively on passover for added seder hilarity: "bitter *h*erbs".
18 of 31 | Posted by lurker | Posted on September 23, 2005 8:35 AM
p.s. the above was supposed to be an answer to: "who does say 'herbs' with an 'h'?"
19 of 31 | Posted by lurker | Posted on September 23, 2005 8:36 AM
Dear sg-dub,
Thank you for making me pee in my pants, just a little bit.
Cordially,
Shelley
20 of 31 | Posted by shelley | Posted on September 23, 2005 8:55 AM
seriously, i have read this recap three times now. it is fantastic, and QUITE funny.
good work, except you made me snort out loud, and that my dear is not a good thing.
(and it is prestigous, not presteeegous, if you have any questions, you can reach me at my labor-uh-tory)
21 of 31 | Posted by jash | Posted on September 23, 2005 9:07 AM
Personally, I thought the letter was inspired. So very Martha--no matter that I just canned your ass, but I will write you an excruciatingly polite letter to show that you mean absolutely nothing to me.
Turn the knife, baby!
22 of 31 | Posted by dct | Posted on September 23, 2005 10:09 AM
Doesn't "Suze Orman" look like she just stepped out of "To Sir With Love"? All she needs is some white lipstick.
23 of 31 | Posted by TV-Eyes | Posted on September 23, 2005 10:54 AM
I too loved the homemade cream sauce.
Martha should have told them "Hey, this just ain't living"
24 of 31 | Posted by Marcella | Posted on September 23, 2005 3:24 PM
the next day, on her other show, the daytime one, which now looks alarmingly like Oprah's show, Jeff the loser was a guest. She was all sweet to him and he brought her a present, a paper quill (?) picture of flowers that he'd made from her instructions on another show. It was tacky.
25 of 31 | Posted by NegativeNancy | Posted on September 23, 2005 6:44 PM
I'm with you on the prestihgious, but, candidates? Isn't that how you're supposed to say it? Maybe it's a regional thing, but that's the only way I've ever noticed it pronounced. Candidits? Huh? (And, not that Trumpie's the arbiter of all things proper by any means, but I'm watching TA: Donald right now, and he pronounces it the same way, too. So, I'm thinking the dits/dates thing must just be a regional accent issue . . . "candidits" sounds much like "nucular" to my ear"). Now, *H*erbs, otoh? Yeah, that's *definitely* a regional thing, but it sure ain't Martha's region, so knock it off with the Madonnaccent, MDiddy.
[Oooh. I just checked, since I figured maybe it was we New Yorkers who were saying it wrong. (After all, I didn't know the "-er" in "drawer" wasn't SUPPOSED to be a silent -er until I was like 20). In all of the dictionaries I checked, -date and -dit are both listed, with -date as the preferred pronunciation. Neener neener. Don't hate].
26 of 31 | Posted by New Yawk Barbie | Posted on September 23, 2005 9:00 PM
Great Recap! one minor point, it is a Chevy Suburban she is driving not a Lincoln Navigator. Please, we paid her a lot of money for that product placement.
27 of 31 | Posted by SaveFerris | Posted on September 26, 2005 7:23 AM
I kept watching in anticipation of her ankle bracelet going off and swarms of cops pouncing on her. Perhaps in the next episode.
And FYI, Random House is supposedly publishing the Jack and the Beanstock book for some reason...
28 of 31 | Posted by Tootie | Posted on September 26, 2005 9:53 AM
So the guy wants to do Martha???
Would that make him a MarthaFucker???
29 of 31 | Posted by pl;ume | Posted on September 26, 2005 12:37 PM
The problem with Martha Stewart is that the has absolutely no charisma, she is completely wooden in front of the camera.
To pl;ume #29: no that would make him a very sad individual.
30 of 31 | Posted by Nigel Pond | Posted on September 28, 2005 5:31 AM
"Yeah, well, my first impression of Charles is that he's a tool. From the get-go, he held an unlit cigar in his hand as a prop. Does George need a prop? Nooooooooo. Conclusion: Charles has a small penis."
LMAO...PRICELESS.
31 of 31 | Posted by Poloman | Posted on September 30, 2005 5:52 PM