Another week, another ride on the Martha Rollercoaster. Last week, despite Jim's annoying clown act, the challenge and the show itself was pretty compelling. Perhaps because the show revolved around something Martha can relate to - creating food in the kitchen and force-marketing it to bored housewives. Before learning about this week's task, we were treated to a couple rather uncomfortable scenes - neither of which involved Alexis Stewart! But even before that, we had to endure yet another week of the insufferable Jim regaling the world with more blather. His Primarius teammates were all hoping to see Jennifer return to the loft having survived Martha's tepid "Goodbye." After all, Jim had been in the hot seat almost every week, everyone hated working with him, and he is a complete and total liability on every task.
But lo, Apprentice: Martha Stewart jumped the shark last week by getting rid of a decent candidate in favor of a stunt cast dickwad to create "controversy." But like Omarosa and Danny before him, Jim just succeeds at making viewers mad and angry at the show. Issuing hollow declarations like, "I warned Jen not to bring me in there with her," and, "These people are not ready for me! They're busy worrying about me and I'm busy worrying about winning!" No, Jim, you're only partially right. They ARE busy worrying about you alright - busy worrying about you losing another task for them. Jackass.
After Jim's little show, there was an incredibly annoying buzzing of the doorbell. Initially, the candidates looked terrified and confused that someone had come calling - geeze, last week the phone's ring caused fearful looks, this week, it was the ceaseless buzz at the door. BZZZ, BZZZ, BUZZZZZZZZZZZZ! BZZZZZ! BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ! Damn, whoever it was certainly didn't have any manners or patience. I figured it must be Jim's wife who had stopped by to serve him divorce papers for missing the birth of his daughter. Or maybe some wacky character lined up to test the patience of everyone as a sort of business lesson... BZZZZZ! BZZZZZZZZ!
Nope, it's Martha Stewart herself! She surprised the gang with an impromptu visit and tour of the living quarters! Everyone looked nervous as they gathered around their Mistress in the kitchen. She asked the Silent Croatian what he'd been up to that evening - perhaps because she was still fearful of the future serial killer. He positively beamed, "I took a little nap!" Ok, that doesn't sound so creepy in writing, but trust me; it was totally childlike and weird. Martha then roared through the loft, doling out little passive aggressive Marthisms like, "Your rosemary is dying." She then tested some bedposts and countertops for dust and gave disapproving looks to everyone. She lamented the bunks and close-quarters, even comparing it to, "you know where." Oh, Martha, you so fuh-nny! You went to prison and now you're back on TV! She refrained, however, from asking Howie if he had made Ryan his bitch yet.
The next morning, Martha was clipping some bushes as she called the loft to tell the wannabes to meet her at 9AM at her Connecticut studios. Are we still supposed to believe that Martha actually prunes her own bushes, rather than the army of illegal Salvadorans we all know she employs for just such tasks? Cripes, Martha probably employs someone to trim her own unruly bush, let alone her gardens. Though I doubt it's a Salvadoran man - though that imaginary scene makes me laugh for some reason. "You simply must remove all the stubble. You simply must use the wax of bees from the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. You simply must shape it in a perfect witch's hat for the Halloween season! Gaze upon my mons pubis!"
« Oh, Those Crazy Americans. | Main | Can You Dig It? Prison 3 Week Break Is Back! »
Comments (24)
THE FUNNIEST RECAP EVAH!("At this point, the show got really choppy and destroyed any notion of continuity. Therefore, my recap will suck as well")
The picture of Bruce Villanueva or whatever his name is looks like J.K Rowling before she sold her soul to the plastic surgery devil.
1 of 24 | Posted by Fuzzbait | Posted on October 28, 2005 1:48 AM
To cement Jim's jerk reputation, take a gander at his audition tape on The Apprentice website. (What? I've got way too much time on my hands?) If there's any justice in this world, Marth will not, will NOT, hire someone who opens a champagne bottle as ickily as he does. Man, does that guy hit the bell on the creep meter or what?
2 of 24 | Posted by Pete | Posted on October 28, 2005 2:50 AM
What's with that shiny, white, collarless "Dr. Evil" jacket Martha's worn in two episodes. She was wearing it when she opened the auction.
3 of 24 | Posted by holyterror | Posted on October 28, 2005 5:16 AM
Isn't that "ON-DEEVE and crab dip"?
4 of 24 | Posted by Bobbie | Posted on October 28, 2005 5:43 AM
I'm really grateful that you were able to channel our boy Freud. He reminds us that ometimes a cigar is just a cigar, but other times, a cigar is a really, really tasty penis. Just ask Bill Clinton.
5 of 24 | Posted by Bobbie | Posted on October 28, 2005 5:49 AM
Did anyone notice how Martha's gigantic Chow Chow sat right in front of Alexis at the doggie/celeb auction? The dog was practically sitting on her feet. By the way did Alexis even say one word on this episode? How bizarre!
6 of 24 | Posted by dh | Posted on October 28, 2005 6:05 AM
I dont know if you posted about this a long time ago. Go back and watch the opening credits, when they show Jim. The mole on his face switches sides in the 2 shots. Bad Bad editing.
7 of 24 | Posted by Dave | Posted on October 28, 2005 7:56 AM
yes the team ate ate the outback steakhouse in the caroline (apt building) at 23rd and 6th avenure. what a bunch of idiots, they are on marthapprentice shooting to work for the purveyor of good food and good things and they go to THE OUTBACK?? i bet jim chose it, that douche. and yes, i have been there--hey sometimes you want a bloomin' onion!
i found this episode to be dull and dry, i think it was primarily because the task was dumb...and no big fireworks in the boardroom because the silent croatian was, well...silent.
8 of 24 | Posted by jash | Posted on October 28, 2005 8:01 AM
oh, and you do realize that marthastewart.com has recipes from nearly every cookbook available for free?
...i'm just saying, comparing her to BP Amoco is a raw deal.
9 of 24 | Posted by jash | Posted on October 28, 2005 8:07 AM
It seems that the pictures associated with your recaps are always in the wrong spot.
10 of 24 | Posted by Whattup | Posted on October 28, 2005 10:37 AM
I was surprised that Fran speaks with that horrible accent even when she's not acting. I really thought it was just a bit she did.
And ROTFLMAO at "gaze upon my mons pubis". Oh god...I'm still laughing.
And I'm going to use that next time my husband and I are...er..."intimate". GAZE UPON MY MONS PUBIS! GAZE UPON IT, I SAID!
Oh, he's going to *hate* you, sg-dub. Mwha-ha-ha...
11 of 24 | Posted by Amber | Posted on October 28, 2005 11:46 AM
I think it's fairly obvious why Fran's package got the highest bid. That room was full of broadway queens and they love that nasal shrew.
12 of 24 | Posted by Tootie | Posted on October 28, 2005 12:04 PM
sg-dub, as a native of southwestern connecticut, i couldn't be more pleased at the shoutouts.
i, however, escaped that hellhole. let me know if you need any help getting out of there.
peace out, yankee.
13 of 24 | Posted by some CT-bred girl | Posted on October 28, 2005 12:17 PM
That third photo makes me think that Bruce Villanche in 2005 = Dakota Fanning in 2055.
14 of 24 | Posted by Hinha | Posted on October 28, 2005 6:03 PM
Marc Marrone does a pet segment on the Martha Stewart Living show. He brings all kinds of pets and it's pretty much the cutest thing ever, also it's one of the few times when Martha seems human. She really loves animals. It's on every five or six episodes. It's actually my favorite thing about the show, since I don't cook anything, clean my house, or decorate with antiques, but I do need to know what kinds of vegetables are safe to give to my cats.
15 of 24 | Posted by Mrs. Petersen | Posted on October 29, 2005 12:53 PM
I busted out laughing when Martha commented about their rosemary dying. Too funny.
16 of 24 | Posted by usnrnpage | Posted on October 29, 2005 1:34 PM
"Martha was just being the pretentious millionaire that she is."
Don't you mean, "Martha was just being the pretentious BILLIONAIRE that she is?"
Nice work Martha. Anyway, great recap as always. Boardroom was the worst ever, no doubt.
17 of 24 | Posted by Brett | Posted on October 30, 2005 12:43 AM
In case you all haven't noticed, product placement is what's paying for the show. The Outback was likely paying for Jim to eat there, not the other way around.
As for the conference room: No Jimmy, No Funny.
I do hope he and the Primarydrones screw things up again on next week's show. He so much less humble when he's losing.
18 of 24 | Posted by burke | Posted on October 30, 2005 6:58 PM
I don't know why everyone is hating on this show! Even Donald is trash talking the show. Here's the thing-I love it. And the recap is even better than the show!
I am a business student, (of course!) and have been a fan of The Apprentice since episode number one. I was hyped on the show before it ever aired, because tha Donald ALMOST chose my Father-in-laws's song for the theme song. But I digress...
This semester, I have class on Thursday night,oh no! Not on Thursday night! I'll miss The Donald! (Nevermind that my husband sells and installs satellite tv AND Tivo, and that I have been asking for a Tivo for about, ummmm, 3 years?!)
But wait! There is a Wednesday Apprentice! Oh joy oh joy. Martha Stewart. Oh my. Because both alike and in contrast to post #15, I cook, clean my house, and decorate, just nothing comparable to the ways of Martha. Iron the bed sheets? The hell you say?
In any case, I Do still love this show. Just the pictures in the recap are proof that this is television magic.
19 of 24 | Posted by marthafan | Posted on October 31, 2005 1:47 PM
Hey, I'm Croatian and back in Cleveland I knew some kids in high school that very much resembled David. So to you I say: keen observation.
20 of 24 | Posted by Oboyoberto | Posted on October 31, 2005 3:08 PM
Can someone please tell me what exactly was in Fran D's package? I couldn't believe how much it went for!
21 of 24 | Posted by MarthaIsAGoodThing | Posted on November 2, 2005 7:27 AM
And I quote:
I think it's fairly obvious why Fran's package got the highest bid. That room was full of broadway queens and they love that nasal shrew.
Posted by: Tootie
22 of 24 | Posted by marthafan | Posted on November 2, 2005 8:59 AM
Dave, dear; indeed, the mole on Jim's face changes sides in the opening credits--the second shot of the contestants is (purposely) the mirror image of them. Not BAAAAAAD editing, per se, but maybe an OOOOOODD idea...
23 of 24 | Posted by markus | Posted on November 2, 2005 9:04 PM
Bonjour
24 of 24 | Posted by too young | Posted on November 15, 2005 10:12 AM