The publicity train for The Apprentice: Martha Stewart rolled on this week, with the industry rags quoting Martha's stylist as saying, "This is the week Martha really got comfortable and the show will be great from here on out." No word if the reason is because of the fantastic new highlights in her hair. I don't need any convincing from any stylist - I've been on board since week one ever since Martha laid down her first subtle yet harsh passive aggressive bit of hatred. And the intrigue of still not knowing who's actually on Team Primarius is enough to keep me coming back for more.
And speaking of keeping coming back week after week, Team Primarius was surprised to see Jim and Dawn survive the Conference Room yet again. They all seemed shocked that Martha sent Shawn-Suze-Orman packing, noting she was one of the more formidable players. Then some unknown blond woman from Primarius spoke out saying that she wasn't surprised at all - Shawn was too polished and phony and that, "There are no cheesy salesmen here." Quick cut to cheesy Jim looking, well, cheesy. Bravo, editors, bravo.
Of course, with Jim surviving yet another chopping block, it meant another round of "Jim's Hyperbole Corner." With typical bluster, Jim noted, "I'm sick and tired of the smug looks on Primarius' faces. They are going to lose and I am going to drink in their tears like the nectar of the gods." At least he didn't ruminate on murdering anyone this week - must be his new father of a newborn temperament. Ah, Jim... Imagine how annoying it must be to work with this guy? I'm pretty low-key (very low-key, actually) so I just can't fathom what it's like in his office. He's like the Office Space "Is someone having a case of the Mondays" lady times, like, a gazillion.
Sourpuss Julia called the loft to gather the teams in the Conference Room at 9AM. Once in the room, Alexis gave a sleepy hello, Charles twirled his cigar, and everyone awaited the grand entrance of Martha. *Click* hey, there she is, up on the TV screen hovering in the air above her usual seat at the table! It was just like Star Trek: The Next Generation! Martha was phoning in another appearance, though not from another planet. Although, I'm guessing Martha's Turkey Hill Estate is a whole different world from the one we live in. Martha introduced the task and explained, "I couldn't be there with you today because I'm working on a project." She continued, "You see, I'm trying to develop a way to remove this damn ankle bracelet without alerting the authorities, and it's proving to be quite problematic."
Video Martha explained the challenge: Design and decorate a large suite in the Times Square Westin Hotel, but make it a "Lifestyle Suite." Each team had to choose a theme based on their vision - all in two days. Martha really pushed the "vision" thing and the teams seemed excited to get going. But first, Alexis sleepily asked for a leader to step up from Primarius and take over the reins of Matchstick, who had yet to win a task. Some previously unknown woman named Leslie volunteered and walked the plank, so to speak, over to Matchstick. This earned her sneers of derision from the Primarians, who noted, "We're glad she left, she's actually one of the weaker people here!" Me-ow!
Meanwhile, down the hall in Matchstickland, we were treated to a bunch of stupid people throwing out an endless stream of stupid ideas. "A toy room!" "A circus room!" "A S&M dungeon!" A full six hours went by before Leslie could settle on an idea and get moving on making it happen. The idea wasn't bad - F.L.O.W. (For Leisure Or Work) - but the fact that eight hired contractors sat around the empty suite with no direction on what to do was typical Matchstick. Wasted time, wasted money. Even Ryan from Primarius, citing concerns over his own team's abilities, said, "Never overestimate Matchstick. No matter how bad we do, they always do worse." Matchstick = Getting shit done.
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Comments (34)
I gotta say, I enjoyed this episode quite a bit. Especially when Martha said, "None of you want to see me lose my patience." It was one of the scariest moments of my life.
1 of 34 | Posted by B-Side | Posted on October 14, 2005 2:45 AM
Did someone hold a gun to Alexis' head to make her be on this show ? She couldnt look more uncomfortable or less enthusiastic about being Martha's daughter OR being on this show.
Makes you really appreciate the glory that is Carolyn...
2 of 34 | Posted by shoe-in | Posted on October 14, 2005 4:47 AM
Did anyone else think Leslie looks like Arianna Huffington? It was pissing me off the whole time.
Also, I actually met Martha at a book signing this week. Needless to say, the hand that I used to shake her hand has since shriveled and turned to dust.
3 of 34 | Posted by m_ruv | Posted on October 14, 2005 5:32 AM
Darn you for getting that stupid "Aquarius" song in my head! But it was still an awesome recap.
4 of 34 | Posted by hannahthehun | Posted on October 14, 2005 5:40 AM
God the woman can't even eat candy without being pretentious EM and EM, glad I'm not the only one that noticed that.
5 of 34 | Posted by Krissy | Posted on October 14, 2005 5:59 AM
Awesome recap. Especially loved the "Plano on smack" line. Martha is the best The Donald ever.
6 of 34 | Posted by nico | Posted on October 14, 2005 6:24 AM
sug-dub--your variations on Primordialoozious are the best- My face hurts as bad as it ever did back in my let's-go-get-shit-faced days! Why oh why do I love this show so very much? Because it gives me a context for your recaps.
7 of 34 | Posted by Bobbie | Posted on October 14, 2005 6:27 AM
pencils and lube?!
schweet.
8 of 34 | Posted by copygodd | Posted on October 14, 2005 8:34 AM
Obviously you're trying to be funny about FrankenJulia, cause you're too observant not to notice that it's just a reversed image, not the same mole on both sides. The part in her hair is now in the other side, the mole is on the other side and the colored panels behind her also reverse. Not like you to go for an easy joke like that, complete with visual aids. C'mon, you can do better than that!!
9 of 34 | Posted by YoBaby | Posted on October 14, 2005 8:37 AM
I love Martha's Apprentice. But, the BEST part is watching the "fired" contestant appear on her live daytime show the next morning! It always goes like this:
MARTHA: (grinning) Welcome, _____. You really sucked last night! Really, I mean, I'm sure you're not totally stupid, but you were just a total embarassment!
REJECT: (uncomfortable smile)
MARTHA: How could you be so lazy? Aren't you totally embarassed watching that?
REJECT: No, it was fun!
MARTHA: Yeah, you're a nice person, but I would never want you to work for me, you're just totally incompetent. Now lets make glitter pumpkins together!
(Except with Dawn, she just skipped the glitter-pumpkining entirely and cut to chatting with Mark Burnett after dissing her for 5 straight minutes. Awesome!)
10 of 34 | Posted by JustUsMoms | Posted on October 14, 2005 9:06 AM
I am LOVING this show.Who else but Martha Stewart could say "I must have an m&m" and then actually eat just 1 m&m?
11 of 34 | Posted by Brian | Posted on October 14, 2005 10:06 AM
Much improved show from previous outings. Can't help but cackle every time Martha pulls out that stationary at the end of the show. Did anyone else notice those ginormous "man-dles," which she must have borrowed from Chastity Bono, that Alexis was wearing when she went to tour the suites? No doubt Martha bitch-slapped her for sporting those on her show.
12 of 34 | Posted by willintherace | Posted on October 14, 2005 10:23 AM
Sadly Martha has lost out on the tivo due to Lost and Veronica Mars, but thank God I can watch her during the daytime... She is so great, I wish I was Martha. She's my hero (minus the whole going to jail thing, that would suck)That's all.
13 of 34 | Posted by smithie | Posted on October 14, 2005 10:55 AM
the re-runs run often on CNBC
14 of 34 | Posted by frank sin | Posted on October 14, 2005 11:30 AM
Ryan's "Never overestimate Matchstick" quote really nailed it. Total embarrassments. Jim looks like a less manorexic version of Marc Anthony in most profile shots. He said something like "I always say, 'No couchy, no winny'". What a tool. I always say ' no Matchsticky, no losey'. Friggin retard.
15 of 34 | Posted by Kelley | Posted on October 14, 2005 11:40 AM
Great recap, unless you're a Matchstickerdoodle of course.
Like Bobbie, the recaps are keeping me watching. Burnett should get Westin to hook you up, sg-dub.
16 of 34 | Posted by Maura | Posted on October 14, 2005 12:04 PM
Finally got around to catching both Apprentices this season and they did not disappoint. Hilarious! But the best part is coming here to relive the nonsense.
"Alexis gave a sleepy hello, Charles twirled his cigar, and everyone awaited the grand entrance of Martha"
Two things:
1 - Has Martha decreed that as punishment for not going to jail with her that Alexis must now appear on this show? Seriously, I've never seen anyone so uncomfortable on camera. That was the most weak-ass and hilarious "Hello" I've ever heard in my life.
2 - Can we all agree that Charles+cigar = way hotter than George. Charles was on fire with the quips this episode - woof.
17 of 34 | Posted by bdos88 | Posted on October 14, 2005 12:41 PM
I kmew this show would be good,
Martha is just the big the big angora cat that is waiting to kill JIM and play with his lifeless ego
Dawn's real colors came out and We got it FINALLY on film
and yes I agree, the rejects get a big WACK in the puss on her show
Dont get me wrong, I've love martha, but through the years she's been getting alittle scary, thats why people used to watch the old martha shows to see who she would be mean to next, and eating seems to be her pass time,
Keep an eye on Bethenney, she's a ****itch
and yes I hear just doing nothing is a reward, seems both teams are sleep deprived and just hanging away from OMNI staff is a REWARD
"pretentious loon that she is." so true.
poor poor Alexis, lets get Marthas MOM to do something!!!
18 of 34 | Posted by Taradash | Posted on October 14, 2005 12:56 PM
I've actually seen an old Martha cooking show when her mom came on to cook pierogies or some traditional polish dish. (at this point I'm wondering why I didn't change my name on this post.)
Anyway, martha started squishing up the meaty mix with her hands but didn't remove her rings. Man, it wsa great. Mom RIPPED into Martha for being so careless and irresponsible.
Her mom is a tiny little black haired Polish spitfire. Definitely shoulda cast her rather than that zombie Alexis.
19 of 34 | Posted by sg-dub | Posted on October 14, 2005 1:04 PM
"[Note to self: Get a box of pencils for B-Side, J-Unit, EdHill, Copygodd, m_ruv, youcan'tmakeitup, and Kat for the holidays... Will be hit of party. Also, large tube of lube. Remember to delete this note before publishing on blog.]"
Awesome recap- this show rocks! Nice reward- you all get to hang out with each other and do nothing! Yeah!
20 of 34 | Posted by realityjunkie | Posted on October 14, 2005 1:38 PM
In all fairness, that hotel is one ugly piece of shit eyesore. Unfortunately I see it every day of my life...and now I am sure to not recommend anyone I know staying there. Plus the rooms start at like $300 a night.
21 of 34 | Posted by Tootie | Posted on October 14, 2005 2:16 PM
wait a minute.
We're having a Christmas party?
Awesome!
22 of 34 | Posted by EdHill | Posted on October 14, 2005 2:23 PM
And sg-dub, remember you used to bartend at a college bar so the girls were all 19 and stupid.
I miss that place. nickel night was awesome.
23 of 34 | Posted by EdHill | Posted on October 14, 2005 2:28 PM
EdHill -
Nah, I was talking about you. Sucker.
24 of 34 | Posted by sg-dub | Posted on October 14, 2005 2:39 PM
And sg-dub, remember you used to bartend at a college bar so the girls were all 19 and stupid.
"19 & Stupid" would be a great name for a band.
I think the "I must have an EM and EM" may be my favorite TV moment OF ALL TIME.
25 of 34 | Posted by Dave J. | Posted on October 14, 2005 2:56 PM
I agree with you Shoe-In. Alexis Stewart just looks so bored all the time. She is the dullest person I have seen on TV in a long time.
I didn't read all of the posts, but I am hoping that someone else said something about Jim. He is a major tool. Am I the only one that thinks so?
26 of 34 | Posted by T. Ditty | Posted on October 14, 2005 3:25 PM
Peanuthead Bethenny!
(tee hee)
27 of 34 | Posted by EROSion | Posted on October 14, 2005 5:51 PM
Everytime I see lifeless Alexis on the show, I can't help but imagine how they're trying to make her Martha's version of Melissa Rivers, and it's not working. Scary.
28 of 34 | Posted by XETMOT | Posted on October 15, 2005 9:09 AM
First of all, Charles is fabulous! He's like George meets Tony Soprano. He's so gangsta! I love it!
Martha is now my hero, also. The lack of reward she gave Primarius was hilarious. She is the s**t!! She gave away love and relaxation as a reward. She definitely saves more cash than Trump!! That's for sure!
29 of 34 | Posted by mrskobe | Posted on October 15, 2005 4:15 PM
Martha should just fire the entire Matchstickerdoodle team next week and get on with it. They all suck. Otherwise we will have to sit through 5 more weeks of how much they suck, since they're clearly not going to win anything.
Agree that Alexis is bored-looking and probably got her father's genes, because she is the most uninteresting person on reality tv. George is annoying with the cigar. Martha rocks, and she may be a bitch, but being a bitch is a 3 BILLION DOLLAR INDUSTRY.
"I will have an EM and EM"- priceless...
30 of 34 | Posted by Em and Em | Posted on October 16, 2005 9:56 AM
Alexis is not bored-looking, she is terrified! After her Kitchen Confession (last week during the cake challenge) and now her Nobody Likes Me Confession, I realized that her life probably sucks more than we will ever know. I will be watching the rest of the season for clues on whether or not she has ever been locked in the basement and forced to decoupage.
31 of 34 | Posted by Mrs. Petersen | Posted on October 16, 2005 2:43 PM
"I am going to drink in their tears like the nectar of the gods"? I think I've found my new catchphrase
32 of 34 | Posted by hecklerspray | Posted on October 17, 2005 2:30 PM
You need to quit bagging on Carrie. It's true she has big hair, but she seems to be the only team player with the whole package. And didn't you guys go to Dartmouth? Where is the loyalty?
33 of 34 | Posted by LOVINIT | Posted on October 17, 2005 8:27 PM
dartmouth? try THE ohio state university.
34 of 34 | Posted by copygodd | Posted on October 18, 2005 4:57 PM