TVgasm Recaps

I have a confession to make: I went into the new The Apprentice: Martha Stewart with lower expectations than most. I'm not a Martha hater but after the last season of Trump's Apprentice, I had soured on the show and its concept. Now that I've seen the premiere of Martha's version, I can happily admit I was wrong. I really enjoyed the show - so much so that afterwards I celebrated by whipping up some fresh homemade cream sauce in honor of Martha. And then I cleaned up and went to the kitchen to cook something as well.

The show opened with a quick and dirty review of Martha's rise to the top from her humble beginnings. On one hand, dear Martha is to be admired for her work ethic and business acumen. On the other, she's a bit infamous for being a heavy-handed bitch - and let's not forget that she married rich which certainly helped her at the beginning of her ascent. Another proven tactic was displayed right off the bat; in her review of her life, Martha bragged (rightfully) that she had become one of the most "prestigious and well known brands." Except in Martha-speak, the second syllable of "prestigious" is a short, clipped 'i' vowel sound, rather than the long 'e' sound we all say. As ever, she's not incorrect in her ways, just better than you. (She also says "herbs" without making the 'h' silent. I love that - and I'll watch the whole season hoping to hear it on her Apprentice.)

[Like J-Unit recently, I'll issue an apology for the lateness of this recap - and the lack of details one may get from a fresher recap. Once in a while real life gets in the way of this writing gig - but I'm happy to report all is well. And besides, it's fun to emulate the boss and get away with it.]

I went against conventional wisdom last week and wrote a more or less positive review of The Apprentice: Martha Stewart. Her ratings were abysmal and other critics have blasted her spin-off show. I should have known it would garner that response - it's the curse of me. If I recap your network reality show, it's gonna suck. (Let's give this ridiculous curse theory some push... I want the day to come when Martha is in a room with Tommy Hilfiger and Kathy Hilton plotting my demise. The thought of the three most wooden and uncomfortable reality show hosts in history putting their billionaire heads together to discuss li'l ol' me is just too much.) And this just in, NBC is moving the show to a new timeslot this week to go up against the Lost juggernaut - a sure sign they are burying the show. Look for it on Friday nights at some point soon - or maybe even canceled.

First things first... NBC moved Martha Stewart’s Apprentice to 9PM, apparently sacrificing it to Lost so they’d have an excuse for the show’s failure. But a funny thing happened – her audience grew, according to industry rags. Now, there may be a logical explanation for this and it may be the very same reason you’re reading this recap right now. The Donald himself made a cameo appearance during the show – a show which had an odd synchronicity with the original Apprentice this week. So much so that I had to alter my original recap title, which exactly mirrored B-Side's for Donald’s show. Creepy. Well, maybe not “creepy,” per se, or even interesting. Worth mentioning, perhaps?

As I’ve said before, I actually like Martha’s version… I can’t quite explain why, maybe it’s just because it’s different. (This after I just wrote how the shows were similar this week. Sigh.) The main question on my lips this week was whether the guy I pegged as “The Silent Croatian” would speak up at all during the show. The answer after the jump.

The publicity train for The Apprentice: Martha Stewart rolled on this week, with the industry rags quoting Martha's stylist as saying, "This is the week Martha really got comfortable and the show will be great from here on out." No word if the reason is because of the fantastic new highlights in her hair. I don't need any convincing from any stylist - I've been on board since week one ever since Martha laid down her first subtle yet harsh passive aggressive bit of hatred. And the intrigue of still not knowing who's actually on Team Primarius is enough to keep me coming back for more.

And speaking of keeping coming back week after week, Team Primarius was surprised to see Jim and Dawn survive the Conference Room yet again. They all seemed shocked that Martha sent Shawn-Suze-Orman packing, noting she was one of the more formidable players. Then some unknown blond woman from Primarius spoke out saying that she wasn't surprised at all - Shawn was too polished and phony and that, "There are no cheesy salesmen here." Quick cut to cheesy Jim looking, well, cheesy. Bravo, editors, bravo.

Hello, I'm back! With the seasons of the two other shows I've been recapping complete (Surreal Life) or pre-empted for the baseball playoffs (Prison Break), I've had a mini-vacation for this past week. And what did I do with all my free time? When I wasn't bailing out my basement (thank you nine straight days of rain!) or reading (ha ha, just kidding... Gotcha!), I tried watching the phenomenon that is Laguna Beach. I lasted all of five minutes... I simply just don't get it. Here's what I learned: That Stephen kid is a tool, that Jason mook is an illiterate buffoon, that Kristin chick has the ability to look condescending at the drop of a hat, and well, that I hate all of them. So I'll stick with highbrow fare such as The Apprentice: Martha Stewart. And this week, with candidate Jim still infecting my television, lowbrow is the new highbrow.

Another week, another ride on the Martha Rollercoaster. Last week, despite Jim's annoying clown act, the challenge and the show itself was pretty compelling. Perhaps because the show revolved around something Martha can relate to - creating food in the kitchen and force-marketing it to bored housewives. Before learning about this week's task, we were treated to a couple rather uncomfortable scenes - neither of which involved Alexis Stewart! But even before that, we had to endure yet another week of the insufferable Jim regaling the world with more blather. His Primarius teammates were all hoping to see Jennifer return to the loft having survived Martha's tepid "Goodbye." After all, Jim had been in the hot seat almost every week, everyone hated working with him, and he is a complete and total liability on every task.

I've now determined the reason that Apprentice: Martha Stewart is tanking is because they've marketed it all wrong. NBC trumped (ahem) up Martha's social status and perfectionist ways; instead, they should have simply gone all FOX on the show and lured viewers in with promises of adults acting like complete and total jackasses. (Well, to be honest, since I have two dual input TiVos at the compound, I haven't really seen a commercial in about 2 years, so maybe they are.)

But judging from the ratings, I doubt it. That's not to say the show is all that good - in fact, it's getting worse each week in many ways. But, I'd bet if they went with more of a "Man vs. Beast 2" vibe and less of a self-important feel, the show would be doing better. (God, I still can't believe that camel beat the dwarves in that running race!) And this week, the episode featured such indescribable buffoonery, I'm not even sure I can accurately explain it.

Back on the premiere episode of The Apprentice: Martha Stewart they did something I found pretty cool; they acknowledged the original Trump version in different, funny, and cheeky ways. This week, Martha acknowledged Trump's show in a completely annoying, boring, and insulting way: Directly copying a previous Trump Apprentice task. Yes, I know the shows share a producer and I would assume many creative folks. It's not that the task was identical to Trump's; it's that they didn't even acknowledge that fact. Touchy semantics I know, but didn't Martha go to prison for an equally picayune detail?

As always, before we got to the task description, we had to endure "Jim's Hyperbole Corner." Jim has been on the losing team every single week save for one (I think - really, do you expect me to care enough to do the research?) so almost every show begins with his triumphant return from the conference room.

Funny thing happened on the way to work this morning. I wound up hangin' out with none other than Carrie from The Apprentice: Martha Stewart (as well as her co-cast member David and America's Next Top Model's Lisa -- random, I know). Turns out that Carrie and I have a mutual friend from college, and when I mentioned his name, she asked why he would ever tell me about her. I casually mentioned that I have a website (I was not in my B-Side alter-ego at the time), and before I could even finish my sentence, Carrie groaned, "Oh, you're that TVGASM GUY!" Yes, my friend had told her to check out the site (mad props, Travis), but what Carrie probably didn't expect was to get the whole TVgasm treatment -- which essentially centered around making fun of her hair. Well, fear not. Carrie is actually a pretty cool cat and even though yes, she wasn't totally delighted to be torn apart by our resident snarksters, she knows how to roll with the punches and didn't seem to bear any ill-will. Of course, that doesn't mean she's still reading. Carrie confessed that after three or four weeks of sg-dub harassment, she finally decided to get rid of the ol' TVgasm bookmark, for sanity's sake. Still, maybe she'll begin reading again -- and possibly submit a defense of her character. Until then, Carrie wanted me to relay that her hair has been cut, and I can personally verify that the '80s poof is gone.

As for David and Lisa -- not much story-wise. Both were very nice and approachable people, and I will just say this -- Lisa will have a long and rewarding career in the reality arts. The girl effortlessly (but not gratingly) became the focal point of any situation she was in. Plus, here's something I bet you didn't know: Lisa's dad runs a 24-hour dim sum kitchen. Always the scoop on TVgasm!

I won't beat around the bush - there were two stories in the press regarding The Apprentice: Martha Stewart that completely overshadowed the show itself. Come to think of it, the debut of the new Chuck Norris home gym infomercial overshadowed Martha's show. See, what I'm saying is, Martha's show is not exactly getting ratings. In fact, one news story was confirmation that NBC is not renewing the show. I'll pause a moment here for you to absorb this sad and shocking news.

You okay? Tissue?

Gather yourselves and straighten up, because the other press tidbit was even more mind-blowing: Alexis Stewart has a real vagina! More on that after the jump.

Pssst, hey! Martha Stewart Apprentice fans! The show is still on and I'm still recapping it. I just think it's funny that a week has gone by and there's barely been a peep about the missing recap. Yeah, I take that somewhat personally, but I'll survive. Truth be told, I watched this show when it was on (a week ago now) and I can't even remember if it was a good episode or not. I do remember it was hyped as another "Jim gone wild" show, but in reality he was more normal than ever. In fact, as each week goes by, he seems to get more and more normal - if not conniving. Perhaps he really has this whole thing figured out? Perhaps he's been right all along? Nah, perhaps everyone else on the show is just dumb.

Another week, another Martha Stewart Apprentice closer to the end. They are doing a live finale too - and I'm very much looking forward to that. Martha won't be happy that her show is a failed lame-duck and she's infamous for wearing her displeasure on her sleeve. But I'm getting ahead of myself, as that show is a full 2 weeks off. This week, there were still five people left with a fun task in front of them. And since the previews for this week clearly showed Jim acting like a drunken fool, we were in for a treat. And since the previews to this show have never been misleading in the past, I was positively excited.

Ah, the waiting game. You guys are forced to play it with my recaps as of late; and the Apprenti wannabes have had to play it on both versions of the show this year. However, unlike the board/conference room clearing 4-person decimation on Trump's show and last week's 2-person elimination on The Apprentice: Martha Stewart, something is coming at the end of your wait - a recap! Yay! As if anyone needed any more proof that the final 3 candidates on Martha's show are morons, the show opened with Bethenny and Dawna pawing around the loft waiting to see who would return - Ryan or Marcella. Ryan, as you'll remember, got hammered during the last task and produced a terrible video with a nonsensical tagline. Marcella, of course, stood by his side like the timid church mouse she is.

Don't hurt your head trying to find some deeper meaning hidden in the title. There is none. Basically, I jump at any chance I get to reference Patrick Swayze movies - especially totally awesome ones. So... The Apprentice: Martha Stewart... Dawna won. Can I go home now?

Actually, that seems to be just what Alexis, Martha, and Charles were thinking throughout the live portions of the finale. It was all so stilted and odd to me - but then again I don't watch Martha's talk show, so I don't know how she is within that context at all - but if she's anything like she was on her primetime show, I'd expect her talkshow to be canceled any day now as well. The three hosts arrived at the studio together and - Hey now! Alexis got a makeover! Instead of looking like a butch lesbian, she now looks like a pretty dude dressed up like a butch lesbian for Halloween. Baby steps. But Martha caught my eye more with her shimmery black swishy pants. If she was fat, I'd have called her pants, "The night sky," but alas, she's not. Instead she looked like she was wearing garbage bags. And I'll save her weird eyelids for later on in the recap.