First things first... NBC moved Martha Stewart’s Apprentice to 9PM, apparently sacrificing it to Lost so they’d have an excuse for the show’s failure. But a funny thing happened – her audience grew, according to industry rags. Now, there may be a logical explanation for this and it may be the very same reason you’re reading this recap right now. The Donald himself made a cameo appearance during the show – a show which had an odd synchronicity with the original Apprentice this week. So much so that I had to alter my original recap title, which exactly mirrored B-Side's for Donald’s show. Creepy. Well, maybe not “creepy,” per se, or even interesting. Worth mentioning, perhaps?
As I’ve said before, I actually like Martha’s version… I can’t quite explain why, maybe it’s just because it’s different. (This after I just wrote how the shows were similar this week. Sigh.) The main question on my lips this week was whether the guy I pegged as “The Silent Croatian” would speak up at all during the show. The answer after the jump.
Alas, my hopes at a running joke at “The Silent Croatian’s” expense were immediately dashed as the show opened with him giving some commentary. It turns out, his name is David and he’s most likely never even been to Europe, let alone participated in racial cleansing. Oh well, something tells me there will still be plenty of material to make fun of David with later on – his hair alone could fill a paragraph.
The conference room survivors arrived back at the loft to resounding… apathy. Everyone had agreed that it would be Dawn who would be sent packing, or perhaps maybe Jim. It was then I realized that for a “PR Consultant,” Dawn is a very unlikable person. Perhaps her gig is to represent extremely unlikable clients, thereby shifting some of the hate onto herowndamnself? Whatever, I happen to dislike Jim far more than Dawn. He’s just such a slimy bastard, I imagine he lives under a bridge and eats small children for fun. Small, handicapped children. There’s simply no way anyone could love Jim – Brr-Ring! It’s the giant stupid Pottery Barn phone and it’s Jim’s wife on the line! Holy crap, this prick is married?
Lest you think for one second he somehow has a caring bone in his body, it turns out that his wife is pregnant and expecting to give birth at any moment. Huh? And he’s in New York acting the fool on a reality show? As if that weren’t enough, he concluded his call with, “I love you, good luck in your task.” I’m not a woman and I’ve never been pregnant, but godamnit, that’s just about as insensitive as one could be. Then again, something tells me Martha Stewart would find that to be a perfectly acceptable refrain.
Where was Frau Martha? Oh, there she is, tending to her horses out at her stables in Westchester County. When she called into the loft to lay down the ground rules for the day, she asked how everyone was doing. “Most everyone is still sleeping,” she was told. (It was someone from Primarius, and aside from Howie, I couldn’t tell you anyone’s name on that team.) Martha seemed surprised and replied, "Oh really, I've been up for hours!" Geez, such perky passive aggression.
She gathered the troops at her offices and laid out the challenge. “The wedding industry is a 72 billion dollar a year industry!” (Yup, definitely getting pointers from Trump.) Teams would have to decide upon, design, bake, transport, and sell a wedding cake at a Michael C. Fina bridal show. The team that makes the most money, of course, wins. Martha ended the segment with the scripted, “I hope it is not Matchstick who loses again.” Shawn-Suze-Orman stepped up and declared, “I guarantee it will not be!” You know what that means in Mark Burnett land… Matchstick might as well have that Iraqi spokesman guy telling us that Baghdad is still safe – same diff.
This episode spent a little bit more time on Team Primarius, so perhaps I’ll get to know some of the players a bit more. Unfortunately, the only one with a personality (Howie) was named Project Manager and was the only one to speak. They decided to sell low, researched cakes, picked a somewhat traditional design and broke out into applause. Applause? For what? These people force-clap more than an Ellen audience.
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Comments (24)
"I hope that newborn daughter of yours grows up to be the dirtiest meth addict porn star the world has ever known. Too harsh? You obviously don’t watch the show."
I do watch the show. Seen every minute of every episode. And I haven't seen anything from any candidate that would make me wish drug addiction and porn stardom on their innocent, newborn children. Not even jokingly. But maybe that's the new-daddy-too in me talking. Too harsh by far.
1 of 24 | Posted by Mike | Posted on October 10, 2005 3:30 AM
Even your witty recaps can't save this bomb. Martha just isn't as unintentionally buffoonish as the Donald. No spark there, Bunky.
As far as the meth-addicted comment; yes, way harsh. What were you thinking?
2 of 24 | Posted by Tony A. | Posted on October 10, 2005 4:20 AM
You wrote: That is, while describing some frosting, she noted it’s “ecru� color...
Please don't put an apostrophe in the possessive pronoun "its." "It's" is a contraction of "it" and "is." Otherwise, great column!
Ginger
3 of 24 | Posted by ginger | Posted on October 10, 2005 5:40 AM
heh you know whats great? I read it and was a bit pissed that it had been edited for the meth comment, until I got the comments and there it was anyway.
"Shawn-Suze-Orman, displaying perhaps the largest corsage I’ve ever seen"
Did you see Maria's flower that ate Tokyo in season two? Some woman need to learn that sex and the city is over.
Great column, I too enjoy this show more than Trumps, it seems more focused on finding a true competent apprentice rather than entertainment and someone to trot out for speeches.
4 of 24 | Posted by na | Posted on October 10, 2005 6:21 AM
I have corrected some of the more egregious punctuation errors. Have a lovely Monday.
5 of 24 | Posted by sg-dub | Posted on October 10, 2005 6:53 AM
You seriously don't think refering to someone as a “Celebrity wedding cake designer� a “Celebrity floral designer� means the *designer* is the celebrity, do you?
6 of 24 | Posted by na | Posted on October 10, 2005 8:25 AM
Not to hop on the error bandwagon, but "suffle" is spelled "souffle".
Otherwise another great recap. My favorite part of the episode was when Suze/shawn kept saying "Well, in television we do this." And Martha responded by saying Well I've been in television for 11 years and I've never heard anyone say that. Snap.
7 of 24 | Posted by TSmith | Posted on October 10, 2005 8:26 AM
dear sg-dub,
i enjoy your recaps and can easily overlook any minor errors as they do not RUIN MY DAY and i appreciate your lowly-paid skills being put to use for our entertainment.
this show rocks.
most cordially yours,
jash
8 of 24 | Posted by jash | Posted on October 10, 2005 8:57 AM
This show cracks me up because of Martha's passive/aggressive nature. I like that she changes up her "you're fired" line every week. I LOVE that she overruled the initial nominees and called down the sales team. (you just knew that Shawn-Suze was a gonner at that point, provided Jim could keep his mouth shut for 10 secs)
My biggest source of glee however is that Martha has the most horrible handwriting!!
9 of 24 | Posted by Meesh | Posted on October 10, 2005 9:31 AM
OMG. Meesh. You're so write. Her handwriting is awful.
Thank you Sg-Dub for the recap. I have been waiting for so long, but as always, it is worth the wait.
Your comments on Jim's child were fine by me.... he is an ass, and it was all in jest. However.... what is not a joke, is that his wife really did have a baby, and he really wasn't there. I couldn't believe that... and just to be the loser on Martha Stewart: Apprentice.
I thought he was gay, anyway..
10 of 24 | Posted by brett | Posted on October 10, 2005 9:55 AM
Oh yah. And double snap to Martha for "I've worked in television for 11 years, and NEVER said that." And.... she laughed in her face. That was beautiful.
11 of 24 | Posted by Brett | Posted on October 10, 2005 9:57 AM
Jim could be pretending his wife is pregnant for sympathy. That’s what’s known in the biz as being “Fairplayed�. And then he could take a dump on Dawn while she sleeps.
Martha’s phony “Hey, im just giving you an impromptu call while tending my horses� routine is almost as funny as Trumps fake meetings.
I’m upset that Shawn lost because dammit, she was a smart dresser. At least 2 times that episode I was like “ooh, that’s a nice outfit.� I think Desperate Housewives has brought out the metrosexual in me.
George needs to either light that goddamned cigar or just put it down. And Martha is a dud in the boardroom. It’s the worst aprt of the show. Trump always makes it entertaining.
12 of 24 | Posted by EdHill | Posted on October 10, 2005 9:59 AM
OMG - I almost died laughing at the HOLY COW caption under Sylvia's picture... too funny.
13 of 24 | Posted by steph | Posted on October 10, 2005 10:16 AM
Can you post pics of the cakes? I missed the show and I'm dying to see what they look like.
14 of 24 | Posted by hannahthehun | Posted on October 10, 2005 10:18 AM
Thanks for the recap! Lets say Jim's daughter does grow up to be "the dirtiest meth addict porn star the world has ever known". She'll probably go to rehab, pose for playboy, get a reality series, write a tell all book & make millions. Daddy will be proud.
15 of 24 | Posted by jaded | Posted on October 10, 2005 10:21 AM
Finally, some mention of the squinty-eyed receptinist. She has been really bothering me for three episodes. It's like she can't bear to look at those losers.
Oh and sg-dub, don't let the hatas get you down. Whoever gets up first thing Monday morning to bitch about type-os and meth-addict-wishes doesn't really understand what tvgasm is all about.
16 of 24 | Posted by Mrs. Petersen | Posted on October 10, 2005 3:14 PM
I'm not a "hata," Mrs. Petersen. I've praised every writer on this site, sg-dub included, dozens of times for countless writings...so I think I "really understand what tvgasm is all about." Comments were solicited and I made one...even admitting freely that a bias on my part colored my reaction. Hardly worth taking a personal shot at someone over, IMO...but, whatever.
17 of 24 | Posted by Mike | Posted on October 10, 2005 4:14 PM
How did Judd from Real World San Francisco get on this show, and why is he now this evil guy named Jim?
"Good luck in your task" to Judd's pregnant wife? Is his wife on another reality show, where the pregnant contestants have weekly challenges based on who can have the most profitable/stylish birth?
I will miss Suze Orman's hair and her lime green wardrobe.
Any of these idiots ever think to put the cake on a CART- you know, that thing with wheels that moves HEAVY or DELICATE things? They were in a kitchen for god's sake. I am SURE there were several carts to be had.
Martha totally dissed David when she brought the rest of the team back in and basically ignored him ("you're young"),while she fired Lime-Lady Di.
I have to admit this show is a train wreck that I just can't stop watching.
Great recap!
18 of 24 | Posted by Judd's Evil Twin | Posted on October 10, 2005 5:00 PM
jash, #8: thanks very much for putting that so perfectly.
sg-dub: thanks for the recap!
19 of 24 | Posted by elhnyc | Posted on October 10, 2005 7:11 PM
Great recap sg-dub.
I have to laugh at Shawn - she is a newscaster down here in Orlando and has bothered me for a few years now with that poofaunt (I made up that word so no one needs to pick it apart) hairdo and that overbite and speech impediment. She ALWAYS acts like she is all knowing and usually is putting her foot in her mouth in her little local news interviews (guess now I know it's due to all her faking it til she bakes it).
I never expected her to get far on this show but man I didn't realize she'd fire her own self. What a twit!
20 of 24 | Posted by TinkerbellAPixie | Posted on October 10, 2005 7:38 PM
Martha Martha Martha soooo perfect like sg said I baked a souffle it didnt rise and now Im going to Jail, I cant stop myself from laughing
Shawn is a Big pain in the ass , her mother is probably one of Martha's buddies from Grosse Point MICh, that's how she got on
She worked for A CBS affiliate here in Orlando, (A Detroit property)and was a snobby little upturned nose *itch, who couldnt hold ratings together
so she fake it until she baked it sooooo long
21 of 24 | Posted by Taradash | Posted on October 11, 2005 1:08 PM
Thanks for the recap Sg-dub. I am glad that you are hanging in there and giving MAWTHA a chance.
I love this show for some reason. Martha is not as obvious with her insults as the Donald. But she knows how to sneak the snide remarks in.
Both of the cakes were boring, but I think the pink cake was one of the ugliest that I have ever seen.
I am blown away by the lack of creativity from these contestants. It is like watching the contestants who did not make it on to Hilfigers show, The Cut.
I hope that the ratings continue to improve, even if they have to change time slots over and over again.
22 of 24 | Posted by usnrnpage | Posted on October 11, 2005 10:03 PM
#18 - Judd's Evil Twin - dead on!!! - omg I kept watching the show these past few weeks wondering why Jim looked so familiar!!!!
23 of 24 | Posted by steph | Posted on October 12, 2005 12:20 PM
Hilarious commentary. Right on except for the racial cleansing comment. I think Milosovic and his gang were Serbian. Anyway, I'm looking forward to more recaps and hopefully not falling out of my seat laughing.
24 of 24 | Posted by RC | Posted on October 13, 2005 2:39 PM