[Like J-Unit recently, I'll issue an apology for the lateness of this recap - and the lack of details one may get from a fresher recap. Once in a while real life gets in the way of this writing gig - but I'm happy to report all is well. And besides, it's fun to emulate the boss and get away with it.]
I went against conventional wisdom last week and wrote a more or less positive review of The Apprentice: Martha Stewart. Her ratings were abysmal and other critics have blasted her spin-off show. I should have known it would garner that response - it's the curse of me. If I recap your network reality show, it's gonna suck. (Let's give this ridiculous curse theory some push... I want the day to come when Martha is in a room with Tommy Hilfiger and Kathy Hilton plotting my demise. The thought of the three most wooden and uncomfortable reality show hosts in history putting their billionaire heads together to discuss li'l ol' me is just too much.) And this just in, NBC is moving the show to a new timeslot this week to go up against the Lost juggernaut - a sure sign they are burying the show. Look for it on Friday nights at some point soon - or maybe even canceled.
The show opened with the same stock helicopter NY-scapes Donald's show uses. I guess I can't really poke fun at that, like I did on The Cut because, y'know, it's still The Apprentice. The two conference room survivors from last week burst into the loft to a smattering of applause. Even though Jim and Dawn (along with the departed Jeff), had quickly emerged as the biggest douches on the show, they still got some on-camera love. Jim, who constantly sounds like a drill sergeant but looks like a drowned rat, immediately launched into a rather idiotic diatribe. I couldn't quite follow his illogical rant, but he did mention a scythe, an oak tree, killing Jeff, and, I believe, a kumquat. This dude is n-u-t-s NUTS.
Some of those who witnessed Jim's kookiness did rightly call him unstable and unpredictable. Unfortunately for his teammate Dawn, he has decided to focus all his insanity on her, even directly threatening her. Not so much physically (or he'd assuredly be booted) but more strategically. Although, Jim can hardly be called "strategic" (or even "strategical" in reality TV parlance - which I just double checked and learned is actually a real word. Apologies to the 346 reality veterans I've yelled at for using it in the past - but I still hate the word) since his supposedly cunning plan is to be a huge dick and verbally berate teammates into submission. We loved this idea on Big Brother when Howie employed it on Busto, but on The Apprentice, it makes no sense. But whatever, he thinks it's good TV and who am I to stop him? Especially since there's no way he going to be around for too much longer.
The inevitable phone call came from Martha's receptionist to tell the gang what to do. Annoyingly, the loft is equipped with one of those giant Restoration Hardware old timey phones - which I happen to hate. Anyway, Howie answered the retro phone and spoke to Julia, who is decidedly tougher on the eyes than Trump's Robin. She's a Brit, I believe, and looks just like you'd expect a girl who has spent her life under rainy gray skies drinking hearty ale and eating greasy food to look. But she does seem very nice, and she has to work for Martha, so now I feel like a jerk for writing that. And something I learned later in the episode: Do not generalize an entire country with an insulting caricature, or else that country will be writing me letters. So Britain please, I beseech you, please spare me the letters. More on that later.
Martha was far too busy to lay out the new challenge in person, so she did it via the "video screen," otherwise known as a "TV." In all the Trump seasons, I don't think he's ever phoned in an appearance like this... Then again, Donald has never had an ankle bracelet and restrictions on how much work outside his home he can do. My guess? A week's worth of production meetings brought Martha to her work-release limit so she had to skip out on actually appearing in New York City. Either that or she recognized how lame the challenge was and figured she simply didn't need to make any effort.
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Comments (23)
Am I the only person who likes Martha Stewart Apprentice better than Donald Trump? I think this shit is brilliant. Her show will only get better once they get rid of that bastard Jim, too.
Good recap, sg-dub. And awesome made up scenes (or did they just edit them out?)
1 of 23 | Posted by Mrs. Petersen | Posted on October 5, 2005 1:02 AM
OK, as to revenues...which team or pm will have the guts to do an accounting trick a la Worldcom/Enron, etc.?
Since actual profit is not the barometer, I would book $100,000 in revenue by using Martha's or Donald's own cash. Then, after the boardroom, simply reverse the transaction.
It's the perfect Wall Street move, and it doesn't violate any known law.
You want creativity, Carolyn or Martha? I got your creativity right here...in the accounting.
2 of 23 | Posted by Ed | Posted on October 5, 2005 1:57 AM
I just checked today's tv listings in the paper. Looks like Martha is on at 7pm, lost at 8pm(central). Yay, I can watch both. To put anything against Lost would be suicide.
3 of 23 | Posted by British | Posted on October 5, 2005 6:19 AM
What is with Bethenny's head? You're supposed to have an hourglass figure, not an HOURGLASS-SHAPED HEAD.
4 of 23 | Posted by m_ruv | Posted on October 5, 2005 6:20 AM
I was actually hoping Charles would stay on the show, if only to see how much more awkward it would get if Jim continued his flirting with Charles. Or whatever that was that Jim was doing with the Evian and the "I Love you" comment.
Did anyone catch Charles on VH1's best week ever? He actually had a pretty good sense of humor about the whole thing.
5 of 23 | Posted by 33jones | Posted on October 5, 2005 6:55 AM
The Imaginary scene you depicted was SO right on and Hysterical!
Let See the real Martha that kicks ass and belittles the weak, spots fakes and fires their ass, not this acting to be nice so people will see the new me *hit
COME ON MARTHA!
Jim was hired specifically because he is on some sort of bi-polar medication and the casting crew thought he'd bring a "little" drama to this reality, when they subsituted his meds with altoids
how boring to have a bunch of good little two shoes polishing the silver and thinking up new ideas for Martha, they already exist they come on frequently on her shows
6 of 23 | Posted by Taradash | Posted on October 5, 2005 7:01 AM
THis show proves why Trump is so much better. his baordroom scenesa re the best. SHe is so goddamned boring. ANd who let her put her equally boring daughter in there?
Jim is stunt casting. he's not there to win he's there to schtick it up for camera time and he knows it. HE wants to be Omarosa, an official 'reailty star actor".
And amybe its me, but I'd buy flowers from a stripper..er, I mean girl in a dutch outfit.
And a better question would be, what does a hotcake salesman say when he's having a slow sales day?
7 of 23 | Posted by EdHill | Posted on October 5, 2005 7:03 AM
Mrs. Peterson, I agree.... I am much more fond of the Martha show this season than the Donald one. I hate that everyone crap-talks it....
I thought this was a great recap Sg-dub..... but I wish we would have had a little bit more about the boardroom and Martha's speech. It was A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!!!!
8 of 23 | Posted by Brett | Posted on October 5, 2005 7:04 AM
Yeah, nothing says "Flower Sale" like hookers and Little Lord Fauntleroy.
that statement alone made this worth the wait.
9 of 23 | Posted by copygodd | Posted on October 5, 2005 8:29 AM
I'm just waiting for Jim to reach over and snap that cigar in half (actually I'm just waiting to see Jim snap,period) the next time Charles starts playing with it.Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar,but...........
10 of 23 | Posted by Brian | Posted on October 5, 2005 10:13 AM
Is it just me, or does Bethanny look like she has a permanent case of the mumps?
11 of 23 | Posted by Dan | Posted on October 5, 2005 11:13 AM
That reference to the Barefoot Contessa was genius! Is it just me or does her husband seem a little "light in the loafers" as well. You should do a recap of that show sometime. There's definitely enough material to work with.
12 of 23 | Posted by Kristin H | Posted on October 5, 2005 1:19 PM
Kristin H -
Shhh, don't tell anyone, but I'm a HUGE Food Network junkie. I mean, I could write a series of posts about at least 7 different shows. However...
a) I don't see the audience for it and
b) I've already proven to be late with my normal recaps!
Teaser:
Paula Dean shits butter sticks. It's a fact.
13 of 23 | Posted by sg-dub | Posted on October 5, 2005 1:54 PM
The Silent Croation...too funny. I asked my husband several times during this episode who that random person in the background was. He kept popping up out of nowhere and didn't say a word until the final seconds as they were walking out of the boardroom so I guess he can speak. Guess with Jim running his mouth no one else gets much of a chance.
Does that guy know what a dumbass he looks like holding the unlit cigar??
14 of 23 | Posted by mere2142 | Posted on October 5, 2005 4:41 PM
I work at NBC, nothing to do with scheduling, but my guess (based on what I'm hearing) is that Martha's apprentice will not be cancelled (since all episodes have been shot and edited) but will suffer the same low-rating move as The Law Firm, moving it to NBC owned Bravo channel.
15 of 23 | Posted by NBC employee | Posted on October 5, 2005 7:33 PM
Martha's receptionist should be a gay man, no?
16 of 23 | Posted by EROSion | Posted on October 5, 2005 11:22 PM
well, nbc is a bunch of idiots for scheduling it up against lost. HELLO?!?!
i find marthapprentice fantastic! these people are all a bunch of tards, and marthas speeches in the boardroom are really quite fantastic.
she has a manner of speech that only cuts people down to the lowest possible level, but they dont really know until a day or two later what she was really saying.
that, plus the colour scheme of her show is much much better than the donalds.
17 of 23 | Posted by jash | Posted on October 6, 2005 7:48 AM
sg-dub..I freakin LOVE Paula Dean! Did you know she has a speaking role in the motion picture "Elizabethtown" (coming soon to a theater near an Olive Garden).
I also like Giada DeLaurentis and her bodacious ta-ta..tetrazinis. I want to marry her and I'm hopelessly heterosexual, dammit!
Oh yeah..Martha..Apprentice.. Jim's a dillweed and Dawn (aka Debbie Downer) is in PR? What, for the Holocaust Museum?
tasty re-cap..and btw, are hotcakes on the commodities exchange?
18 of 23 | Posted by Laura | Posted on October 6, 2005 9:38 AM
Hey sg-dub,
I agree that you have gotten the scrapings from the bottom of the TV barrel as your recap assignments, but I think you scored with Martha's Apprentice. This show rocks!
Keep pumping out the prose. Someday, when Carpal Tunnel hits B-side and J-Unit, they might call you up from the minors to play in "The Show." You'll be ready.
19 of 23 | Posted by reality'slut | Posted on October 6, 2005 10:01 AM
I used to work with a guy that would walk around the office sucking on a cigar. He left brown smudges on everything he touched. It was gross. So whenever I see Charles put that cigar to his lips, I can't help but wonder for the girls in the typing pool have Charles' fingerprints all over the backs of their skirts.
Hot-ta-cha-cha-cha!
20 of 23 | Posted by Publick Skool Boy | Posted on October 6, 2005 12:14 PM
LOVE this show...Martha has such class and the way she cuts down the contestants with such finesse...they don't know what hits them. I like the letter writing too..she gives them "advice" there as well. Go Martha!
21 of 23 | Posted by alohaguy | Posted on October 6, 2005 12:41 PM
Have you BEEN to the U.K sg dub? Yeah whatever she's ugly but just because Martha Stewart has unusally long ape like arms I don't assume it's because she's American. You've got your fair share of trogladites over there mate so don't get on your high horse just yet.
22 of 23 | Posted by zia | Posted on October 7, 2005 12:36 PM
Chuck deserved to go due to his lacka-daisy-cal attitude...
23 of 23 | Posted by Big Max | Posted on October 7, 2005 2:53 PM