It's been one month since the last season of The Apprentice wrapped up, and wouldn't you know it, the live finale is still going on. Okay, maybe it's not, but in our minds, that long, stultifying episode continues to replay as we remember endless audience participation, random Ojay's singing, and Trump's Chief Operating Officer completely losing it on live TV. Was this the end for The Apprentice? It left such a sour taste in everyone's mouth that to return to the trough almost felt like a chore.
Well, thank goodness last night's season premiere was back on point. I don't know how I could have dealt had one of my favorite reality shows gone down in flames. We knew we were back in the comforting hands of Mark Burnett as the first images of Trump's helicopter filled the screen. With Killer Tracks blazing in the background ("dunh, dunh, DUNH!!!"), we gazed upon the formidable New York City skyline and entered a semi-meditative state — until The Donald bellowed out "New York City: I love this town!" Welcome back, Apprentice. Welcome back.
Donald spent the first few minutes babbling about the show and its contestants and his empire. In a very Alcoholics Anonymous moment, he said "My name is Donald Trump. You know everything about me." So apparently we know everything about him, but his name?
Nevertheless, the whipping boys and girls all descended upon New York City in various forms of transport, from JetBlue (what are the odds that there's a JetBlue task later?) to subway, from taxi to bus, from space shuttle to covered wagon. One plucky guy stepped on a city bus and announced "My first time in New York!" I'm sure the driver really cared. Cut to Harry Nilsson's "Everybody's Talkin'" playing as the newbie slowly descends into a life of male prostitution with his new friend, Ratso Rizzo.
But this show isn't really about the apprentice-wannabes. It's about Trump and all things Trump. That's why we returned to The Donald as he emerged from his helicopter with the help of what seemed to be a body double of some sort. Honestly, the guy had the same build, bad hair, and an identical suit. I half expected Trump to say "This is my mildly retarded brother, Howie. He holds the door open for me. Maybe you can too... on The APPRENTICE!" Instead, Donald headed to Trump Towers where he was greeted by a random (read: paid) mob of fans. As he waded through the followers, one middle-aged gentleman pulled a Howard Dean and yelled "YEAH!!!!" as he flung his fist in the air. Sadly, with the high point in his life passed, this Willy Loman-esque character ambled down to the East River and killed himself.
Anyway, Trump ushered in the opening credits with an ostentatious aerial shot that seemed to say "Whoosh! Marvel at the speed of business!!" We soon met a handful of the candidates, including this season's bow tie jerk, Bren, who said "I'm a little man with a big mouth." He then added, "Big mouth and... well, a little penis. Just... just leave." There was also Angie who sported a stewardess-chic neck scarf that I feared may also have been load-bearing. That thing was so tightly wound and omnipresent, I thought her head might roll right off her neck, lest the scarf come undone.
There was also faux-trendy Erin whose most notable qualities were the two black draperies on her head that she might call hair. Erin has a soft, Grace Slick look that probably would have translated to a lucrative career as an album cover model in the 1960s. Whenever I look at her, I can't help but envision psychedelic patterns blue screened behind her. According to her NBC bio, she dreams of one day opening up her own lawfirm by women for women. You know, it's great that someone finally patterned their life around cancelled CBS drama "Family Law."
After the contestants met with Trump, everyone zipped up to the loft which had been unfortunately given an Extreme Makeover: Suck Edition. Apparently NBC had let loose some talentless Thom Felcia fan as the once colorful loft had been transformed into a 1980s striped and checkered nightmare, complete with its own set of Oscars. Still, that didn't stop Tana from masturbating over the kitchen as she exclaimed "A dream kitchen!!" She then bubbled over upon finding a wayward missive, as she squealed "Oooh! Should we read the card?" Note to self: never take Tana to Hallmark.
« A Recipe For a Cultural Phenomenon | Main | Why Couldn't It Be Jay? »
Comments (19)
Yes! Loved the recap as usual.
I'm happy the show's back but damnit, after last season's cheap editing ploys and god awful finale the show unfortunatleu has been forever tainted for me.
1 of 19 | Posted by Pat | Posted on January 21, 2005 3:49 PM
that dog peeing on the leg was rather astounding. I've owned several dogs over the years and never have they peed on the leg of any guests, even the ones I wanted them to pee on. You've got to be a pretty bad dog owner to let that happen.
I also loved the look on the Burger King Employees' faces when he was like "who here went to college?" and then the cheers of "down with college!!!" that followed. Trump, the UNCF is on the line.....
2 of 19 | Posted by chettogirl | Posted on January 21, 2005 4:39 PM
Re: chettogirl's comment
I have a dog with a serious problem with "marking" people he really likes.
3 of 19 | Posted by cutebutstupid | Posted on January 21, 2005 4:57 PM
F-ing hilarious. I actually fell asleep at the beginning of the task and fell asleep when they went to get the results. Danny's gonna go down in a blaze of polyester glory. It's inevitable... We all know it.
4 of 19 | Posted by Lady J | Posted on January 21, 2005 6:12 PM
Hey B-Side, I can't believe you didn't mention the unnerving resemblence of Kristen to last season's Maria Boren. I mean, Kristen has long hair but half the time she was wearing a hat, and when I paused the Tivo, it was like staring into the face of insanity all over again. she really was a robot...
5 of 19 | Posted by loc | Posted on January 21, 2005 9:26 PM
"Other options were "Laude" (which sounded too much like "Loud") and "Cum" which, well, never mind."
LOL I have never thought of it that way before. Very funny.
"Long story short, he wanted to know if it was true that Trump paid off the mortgage of some couple who had helped him when he had car troubles. Trump paused for a while and said "Yes. It's true." Of course, in his mind, it was more like "I don't remember that at all, but it sounds pretty good. So... true.""
I was thinking the same thing. Brian was pretty gullible but I hope Trump doesn't think he fooled the rest of us. Trump, a nice guy? Yeah right. Did Brian actually think Trump was going to say "No, I'm a multimillionaire and they helped me out but I didn't give then a damn thing." If Trump was such a nice man then the money he spent on his gold plated apartment would have been used to help the poor instead. That reminds me of a Sarah McLachlan music video called "World on Fire". I recommend watching it. http://launch.yahoo.com/ar-257730-videos--Sarah-McLachlan
Anyways, I thought the premiere was good but Trump clearly fired the wrong man. Danny should have gone first because he is getting on my nerves and that's all that matters.
6 of 19 | Posted by Lisa | Posted on January 22, 2005 1:17 AM
Re: "Skinny Michael Moore" lookalike Danny.
Yes! I kept saying this, but the people I watched with insisted on ignoring me. Good to know that skinny or fat, Michael Moore is not cute.
Also, seems to me the producers of this show purposely casted it so that the "college grads" would look like idiots and lose a lot of the challenges. Even on a personality level, the college people suck.
7 of 19 | Posted by Michelle | Posted on January 22, 2005 8:31 AM
I have never seen a team gang up one person like they did on Danny. They just wanted the geeky guy to take the fall.
8 of 19 | Posted by British | Posted on January 22, 2005 8:58 AM
Read this at 6:51 AM. Laughed so hard, woke up the family... all your fault b-side.
How about that "Fu----g Incredible!" when the D said the story was true
M
9 of 19 | Posted by marc rice | Posted on January 22, 2005 9:56 AM
"Brass Balls Inc." was shot down, as well as "Giant Monkey Schlong, LTD.", "You Got A Problem? Inc.", and "Mosaic". haha!
Danny looks like my boss. I am a little upset that he sucks so much, because i think it would be very cool and interesting if he was actually a viable candidate. it would be an interesting thing to see how Trump dealt with a promising candidate who didn't entirely fit his mold. i agree though B-Side, danny's idea for "say cheese" was actually really, really good. nothing worse than a badly dressed pseudo folk singer except a badly dressed pseudo folk singer with no faith in his ideas. It would be one thing if he dressed non-businessy but cool!
10 of 19 | Posted by meeshie | Posted on January 22, 2005 10:59 AM
Recap worth waiting for! love the skinny Michael Moore line and the dollar store outing description! Priceless!
Erin looks like Nicky Hilton, Pink fuzzy bath mat attire and all, and surely her working at the till you get visions of "a Simple life"....
Todd must hold the world's record for sitting on his ass in a fast food restaurant, if he wasn't so GAY, he and Kendra from Amazing Race would be perfect "research" partners
11 of 19 | Posted by Retroqueen | Posted on January 22, 2005 11:22 AM
Erin reminds me of Norelle from America's Next Top Model. Give her some sushi and I wonder how she'd fare. LOVE that she's wearing the bathroom rug!! hilarious!
12 of 19 | Posted by jaded | Posted on January 22, 2005 12:15 PM
Excellent recap. Much more entertaining than the show.
Smelling an urban legend, I checked on Snopes.com and she insists that this story about Trump paying off the person's mortgage is bunk and even mentions his lie about it on the other night's show.
http://www.snopes.com/luck/trump.htm
13 of 19 | Posted by TaxGuru | Posted on January 22, 2005 5:11 PM
well i found the burger king task a bit one sided--i mean those net worth people almost assuredly all worked their way up the management ladder at mcdonalds while the rest of us chumps were getting BA's.
second, erin must be from LA because only someone from LA could dress as shitty as she did. its like a capelet made from my bathroom rug.
14 of 19 | Posted by jash | Posted on January 22, 2005 8:45 PM
It looks like Trump will have to do a good dead now to live up to that story he claimed was true.
15 of 19 | Posted by Lisa | Posted on January 23, 2005 2:59 AM
Great Re-cap....is it me or has "Tania" taken the lead as the most annoying person this season? I'm Sure she will be getting the smack down from Carolyn or Donald at some point. P.S...if I were that dog I would have taken a leak on her also.
16 of 19 | Posted by tsharie | Posted on January 23, 2005 2:16 PM
"I have never seen a team gang up one person like they did on Danny."
You must have missed the whole last season, especially the witch trial of stacy j. for scaring everyone with her wicked magic 8-ball spells.
Maybe I'm being unconsciously elitist, but it seems strange, given that the last two seasons have featured multiple candidates with degrees from the Ivy League and other elite colleges and grad schools, that the so-called 'book smarts' gang consists mostly of grads from respectable but doubtlessly second-tier colleges and unis. i mean, Boston College is a good school and all, but it's maybe the fourth or fifth best in its own city. Nothing to be embarrassed about, until you consider that last season we had Kevin (BA Penn, MBA Wharton, JD pending at Northwestern), Jenn M. (BA Princeton, JD Harvard), Stacy R. (BA, JD Columbia), Kelly (BS West Point, JD & MBA UCLA), Elizabeth (BA, MBA Michigan), Pamela (MBA Harvard), Ivana (BA UVA's McIntire School), and Andy (BA Harvard), this season's 'book smarts' gang doesn't seem particularly intimidating in the education department.
Of course, all of those many hours crunching numbers and laying out powerpoint presentations for internationally reknowned economists, legal scholars, and business titans really comes in handy when it's time to scoop ice cream, wash dogs, and flip burgers.
17 of 19 | Posted by jack | Posted on January 24, 2005 7:08 AM
I'm over the apprentice. Seriously it could be a half hour show if the cut out all Donald's crap and the fly overs of NYC.
I loved the first season, bared last season and although I think that there is a lot of potential for this season to be entertaining, knowing that the Donald will have to choose a minority or woman, I think that takes away some of the excitement... I might watch it on fastforward, but I have officially tuned out...
18 of 19 | Posted by smithie | Posted on January 24, 2005 11:39 AM
Kendra works at my work!!!
That's about it,even still I'm not going to watch it.
19 of 19 | Posted by Genevieve | Posted on January 24, 2005 1:56 PM