Thought the holidays were over, did you? Wrong! You've obviously overlooked a festering little turd left in your stocking. It's Celebrity Apprentice!
I know, we all thought this tired show was done after the disaster that was last season, but it looks like Trump and the gang have been revived and stuffed back into suits to yet again yell corporate clichés at hapless losers for countless hours on end. And this time, we're joined by a gaggle of what's-her-names, when-did-he-get-out-of-prisons, and I-thought-she-was-deads. Join us, won't you?
Apparently over the break Trump has procured a voiceover peon, whom I like to think spends his off time in Trump's attic and is fed a bucket of fish heads every week. The peon introduces us to the celebrities in a rollicking montage wherein Gene Simmons explains to us the definition of show business: "the business of show". Ah. Why thank you, Gene. Watch out, Merriam and/or Webster!
Unsurprisingly, none of the celebrities are especially notable. (Television executive Nely Galan?! Fire up the DVR!!) Oh, and as the peon snarls: "Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the boardroom...Omarosa!!" I guess Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth-Foppington-Hassenffefer-Humperdink the Fourth, Esquire got to be too cumbersome. We are promised much drama throughout the season, including drinks being spilled over people's heads, large conference room tables being destroyed, and Stephen Baldwin talking down Vincent Pastore from a capicola-induced rage.
So many questions here. Why is Baldwin standing on a table? Why is Lennox Lewis wearing his boxing gear? How will the producers convince me to care?
A less-than-satisfying opening credit sequence commences, featuring the words What if you...could make a difference? Because nothing says cutthroat business tactics like taglines from the Hallmark Movie of the Week. It does make sense, given that they're all playing for charity (which even I have to admit is a lovely thing for them to do), but that doesn't make up for the fact that they're depriving of me of The Donald shouting "You're fired!" amidst the rockin' jams of the irrepressible O'Jays.
Trump meets the gang at the New York Mercantile Exchange. I expect half a dozen hands to go shooting up, asking "What's a money?" but instead they all just stand there, utterly lost. He explains that they're all commodities, and that's why he chose them for the show. Um, thanks? He goes on to say that they're going to be split up into two teams, lords and ladies, and that they'll each choose a project manager. Omarosa, wasting no time in reminding America that she is to be hated, immediately speaks up and volunteers to be the first project manager.
"First one to wrestle the pink tie off my cold dead neck wins."
Up in Trump Towers, Nely the tv exec pulls out a handful of novelty hats to be used as props throughout the competition. Omarosa quickly dismisses them, insisting that this is The Apprentice! This is not a joke to be laughed at by the entire country! Get serious, NELY! Anyway, it's time for my favorite part of the season: the choosing of the ludicrous team names. This season's installment does not disappoint. Carol Alt, ancient supermodel, offers her best ideas: "How about Mega? Or...Explosion!" Thanks, Carol. Way to bust that stupid model stereotype wide open. They eventually come up with Empresario, which Cap'n Nely says means mogul in Spanish. You really think Trump is going to be able to pronounce that? Trust me, you're going to become Team Espresso before you know it.
"Yarrr, I be a business lady!"
Over in the guys' genius headquarters, Vinny Pastore suggests the Bada Bing Boys. Ugh, are we really going to have to put up with this guy all season? I get heartburn just looking at him. Gene Simmons creepily suggests Hydra, which he believes to be the three-headed dog that guards hell. Wrong, Gene. That would be Cerberus, or, if you're thinking Harry Potter, Fluffy. After a little internet research, they learn that the Hydra is in fact a multi-headed monster, and they all like the idea of being a beast that can't be killed. In that case, why not just name your team Rosie O'Donnell? Hey-o!
In the boardroom, Trump introduces the teams to Ivanka and DonJr, who appears to have lost a significant amount of weight and now just looks creepily undersized. The Donald acknowledges that Omarosa and Baldwin are the project managers, then informs the teams that their challenge is to sell the most hot dogs on the streets of New York. Hydra's immediate plan: keep Vinny Pastore away from the inventory.
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Comments (14)
I loved George and Carolyn...and despise the Trump Spawn that have taken their places. They are completely devoid of anything resembling personality and intelligence.
As for your review..."it certainly doesn't explain why she (Ahmarosa) stole her outfit from an oversized homosexual clown. Cirque du Soleil called, and boy are they PISSED." At this point I started laughing so hard the little marshmallows from my hot chocolate came shooting out of my nose. Um....thanks? LOL
1 of 14 | Posted by cattyfan | Posted on January 8, 2008 10:05 AM
So..I'm sitting here eating my lunch, hoping there is a good recap on the 'gasm I can read while I choke down this f'ing salad that tastes like ass - and I come across the apprentice recap - I figure even though I don't watch the show I might as well read the recap and maybe it will give me a few laughs - and my god - this might be the only good decision I make all day!!
SOOooo FUNNY!!! As soon as I saw the Prince Humperdink reference, I knew I was in recap-heaven!!! And even your last line was my fav, "Remember that guy who jumped off the deck and crashed into the propeller? He was awesome!" brills!!
So while I still don't plan on watching this show (btw - they should just call it by its real name, The Surreal Life) I look forward to the recaps!
oh, BTW - new name for all the bitches I can't stand - Skanky McSlutbags! (that means you - TILA TEQUILA) LOL
2 of 14 | Posted by carmelicious | Posted on January 8, 2008 10:24 AM
Not to hang off nut sacks or nothing, but that was an awesome recap. I'm still laughing over the "Cirque du Soleil called, and boy are they PISSED" comment.
This show couldn't have proven more that it was a total farce than by keeping Omarosa (she who actually brings out the use of the c-word in me). It was rather obvious that they would only keep her because everyone hates her. I can't see any other reason, because she sucks as a project manager and is completely f'in delusional to boot.
I do have one question... who has worse hair - the Donald or Gene?
3 of 14 | Posted by Devlin | Posted on January 8, 2008 10:51 AM
I am so bummed I missed this show.
The recap was HILARIOUS --- I loved it!
The Rosie line, beautiful. Gene's hair can try but couldn't be worse than Don's.
4 of 14 | Posted by Sweetleaf | Posted on January 8, 2008 11:44 AM
If Gene Simmons can keep himself from fondling and/or licking and/or frightening the ladies (including Ivanka), then he should be able to run away with this.
5 of 14 | Posted by suedisco | Posted on January 8, 2008 12:26 PM
Thanks for the hilarious recap. I only watched the first 10 minutes and the last 10 minutes, because I didn't want my brain to completely melt. Now I know what happened in between. And I'm sure your version is way better than actually watching it. Keep up the good work, you will be saving my brain!
6 of 14 | Posted by geewits | Posted on January 8, 2008 12:55 PM
This recap was so much better than the actual show! Now that Gene has sent the precedent, I can see them every week just calling up their rich friends to help contribute to whatever the task is at hand. Meaning they won't have to do any actual work. Omarosa (whom I truly dislike) is entertaining at least so I hope Donald keeps her on for awhile.
7 of 14 | Posted by murphena | Posted on January 8, 2008 2:17 PM
You = funny!
I almost decided not to watch again once they didn't kick Ahmer-so-so off, but I so enjoyed your comments about her, that now I look forward to it.
The men definitely have the advantage, both celebrity wise and we-are-not-stuck-with-Omerozone wise.
8 of 14 | Posted by fire@will | Posted on January 8, 2008 3:07 PM
Screampillr.....
you entertained me this morning and I did not expect it.... the Rosie comment was the best and she deserves every bit of crap thrown back at her.... I bet who ever she backs for president loses too.
I did not expect anything from this show ans DVRed it only to take a look see..... but it ws worth fast forwarding through all the commercials to see Ahmarosa have her ugly ass handed back to her to the tune of 52,000 dollars.... hate is not a big enough word.
I am also curious if they each have their own swank hotel suite or are they lumped into twin beds at the top of a Trump "Tower????
It looks like Gene gets a tounge lashing himself next this week for misbehaving with Ivanka..... and you know she liked it.... but they will most likely shoot the guy who brought in loads of cash last week.. and keep Ahmarosa once again....
9 of 14 | Posted by Giffordsaz | Posted on January 9, 2008 8:38 AM
Wow, that was a funny recap, and I happen to agree with everything you say, Screampillar - except for the part about liking Piers Morgan. I've never heard of him, so the prima donna attitude was a bit much.
I don't really know that I should spend that much energy on it, but I am HATING Nely Galan. I hope she goes down in flames like the gates of hell just opened, swallowed her and spit her back out 'cause she sucks even for them. Here's my case:
a) She brought little pirate hats for them all to wear. Yeah, honey, I'm sure you have organized corporate retreats before and that they were a HUGE SUCCESS. Bet your employees love those little touches more than health insurance or bonuses.
b) She kissed Ahmarosa's ass in the boardroom. SAY HUH?
c) Now, for the worst by far! I am a Spanish woman, so I was deeply offended that when the WOMEN in her ALL-WOMAN team asked what the Spanish for entrepreneur was, or however it came out, she piped in "empresario", and stayed at that. Sure, it means entrepreneur (not mogul), but it means MALE entrepreneur. No, apparently it didn't occur to her that the feminine "empresaria", actually exists and would be far more appropriate for their team. Moron. Whoo, girls, now that I have established that the feminine form of a noun is just nowhere near as good as the masculine for our all-girls team, let me pass around the cute hats so I can better convey why "empresaria" is too good a term for us! Omarosa and Nely? That is one ungodly duo to watch.
10 of 14 | Posted by sayhuh | Posted on January 9, 2008 9:58 PM
The premise of the show is to have Omarosa tangling with celebrities and have Steven Baldwin do something stupid, so the elimination was no surprise.
Unfortunately she doesn't seem to have any new material, so the show was almost like a repeat.
11 of 14 | Posted by soflat | Posted on January 10, 2008 8:29 AM
Mr. Trump, be careful letting Junior speak so freely. Insisting that women be sexy to complete a task while not requiring the same of the men might be considered gender discrimination.
xoxo
Popsquire
www.popsquire.com
12 of 14 | Posted by popsquire | Posted on January 11, 2008 10:41 PM
Mr. Trump, be careful letting Junior speak so freely. Insisting that women be sexy to complete a task while not requiring the same of the men might be considered gender discrimination.
13 of 14 | Posted by popsquire | Posted on January 11, 2008 10:44 PM
Screampillr, you are hilarious! This is one of the best recaps I've read. I especially loved Doggone the musical. Looking forward to reading more from you!
14 of 14 | Posted by BRaps | Posted on January 14, 2008 11:03 AM