I know, I know. I shouldn't make fun of winos. But I can make fun of Maria and her giant explosion of a boutonniere back for a second week. Apparently she's still filming that secret video with the spy camera embedded in her oversized broche. Nevertheless, Maria chirped away to Raj as she described the tense scene in last week's board room. "There was some active conversation," she said quite euphemistically. I particularly enjoyed the little hand movements she used to demonstrate this point. It was like some bizarre hybrid of sign language and hand puppetry. I like to call it Maria-try. You may call it whatever you wish.

Anyway, as the group settled down to a non-Tex Mex dinner (thanks for the nasty tacos last week, Ivana), everyone pondered the board room results. The general consensus was that Andy would be going, and as we all know, the group always gets it wrong. Andy marched back into the apartment to a rousing hurrah - if that's what you call a cavalry of icy stares and Jen choking on her wine in shock. Sensing that he might just be a little unloved, Andy knew that he had to rise to the occasion the next day. Fortunately for him, he was the lucky person who got to answer that early morning phone call. Antsy Kelly waited on deck, just in case Andy somehow screwed it up. I know you like to manage everyone, Kelly, but even I think Andy can complete this simple phone-answering task.

Teams were told to wait by the apartment television for a very important message from Trump. When The Donald finally showed up on screen, we found him in his garish, gold plated jet with what appeared to be a 1970s Loveboat villain next to him. Just when we were wondering what could be going on, Trump informed everyone that he was flying down to South America for the Miss Universe pageant. "In fact, Bill Rancic, last year's winner, will be joining me," he added. Well isn't that grand? I sort of felt like The Donald was baiting people to ask him what else he'd be doing, to which he could reply "We'll be heading to the Four Seasons where I may or may not take a nap. Bill said he wants to check out the pool, but I told him it might not be such a good idea before the buffet, which is where we plan to have dinner. Later, Bill and I are going to a piano bar where we'll talk about the weather and such. It really will be such a lovely time."

Anyway, as Donald headed down to the Miss Universe pageant — a.k.a. his wife-scouting trip — the teams were told that they'd have to meet up with Donnie Deutsch who we previously met last year during the Marquis Jet marketing campaign mission. Of course, a year ago Donnie was trying to seem all cool and hip and happy. This time around it was like watching a 15 year old kid trying to act like dad as Donnie attempted some Donald Trump gravitas. Shut up Donnie Deutsch. Or Donnie "Douche" Deutsch as I like to call him (get it? The "douche" sounds like "Deutsch". Awesome, huh?). Anyway, teams learned they had to develop a marketing strategy to help recruit for the NYPD. A moment of dread pulsed through Team Mosaic as everyone feared Andy might opt for a crustacean angle. Maria meanwhile stood bored at the easel, clearly debating whether or not she could generate enough airpower to blow Andy away with super fast eye blinking. When that didn't work, she suggested a big, deep injection of sex appeal into the marketing. I'm not sure exactly how that angle would work. Maybe a tagline in the realm of "Want all the costumes of male strippers but without the horny bachelorettes? Be a cop!" Or maybe: "Be a cop. You'll get laid. A lot... Seriously."

Ahem, this was NOT part of my Home Economics minor

« I Am the Napster | Main | Rhea Perlman Can Be My Social Worker Any Day »

Posted in The Apprentice by B-Side at 3:26 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)
Last Comment: TVGasm Jr. on Oct 29, 2004 02:43 PM.