I Scream, You Scream...

Well, it's week two of The Apprentice, and while Marc Berman of Mediaweek complained that the 9:20 PM start time caused him to get sucked into CSI and therefore miss the first forty five minutes of the show, some of us were patient and have Tivos, ensuring that we saw almost two hours of corporate reality TV at its best. I will say that those of you who did brave through twenty minutes of a supersized (READ: longer, still not funny) Will & Grace to get to The Donald & Co., you deserve a Purple Heart. That being said, last night's episode once again reaffirmed The Apprentice's position in the reality elite. This show is just so damn good, even when it's been padded out for an hour and twenty minutes. It's the rare reality "skein" (as Variety calls it. Remind me to write a post making fun of Variety's stupid vernacular) where the competitions are just as exciting to watch as the climactic eliminations. Case in point: tonight's ice cream showdown. And just like a toddler holding a cone of Ben & Jerry's, things got messy.

First, let's start with some housekeeping. In my Apprentice preview, I commented on how Maria had a certain Nazi chic look to her. Then last week, I noted that her Kyan Douglas-recommended hair product seemed to be crude oil. But all that being said, I couldn't help noticing this week that stern coif aside, Maria is actually pretty damn hot. How did that happen? Oh wait, I know how. She became a Stepford Wife.

Granted, Maria might not be supplicant to men, but if she's not a robot, I don't know who is. Perhaps Fembot would have been more apt a description. Or maybe she's more of a George Lucas creation. If Julie Chen is HAL, Maria is certainly C-3PO (Star Wars nerds can correct the placement of the hyphen on that one). First of all, Maria actually moves around like C3-PO (ha, I moved the hyphen). She sort of glides from one place to another and rotates her head with the smooth swivel of our most hallowed animatrons. Her designer has built in expert emotional reactions, such as her patented fake smile and the ability to banter about Lohman's at the drop of a dime. I personally loved watching Maria bash team leader Ivanna, and then a moment later go wide-eyed and happy when Ivanna approached her. It was if her AI had said "act like you've just seen Santa Claus!"

Maria's programming did have some known issues. She seems to have a lack of peripheral vision. During the challenge, she was unable to see the other portion of her team a half block away, leading her to become testy and irritable. I can just imagine her at a track and field meet. After the runners go two hundred meters, she'd probably throw up her hands and say "Well, I don't know where they went, but those runners have disappeared. I was told they'd be here."

Other known issues include a complete lack of gustatory sensibilities. When suggesting ice creams that might sell well, Maria suggested the savory Bloody Mary flavor. Yes. Worchestershire sauce, tomato and horseradish - just what I want in my ice cream. Only a robot would eat a concoction like that.

In all fairness, Maria wasn't the only one suggesting wacko flavors. This week's competition called for teams to come up with an ice cream and sell it. The women, led by Ivanna, did a wonderful job of writing on a dry erase board. They seemed to be thinking less about what tasted good and more about how they could turn their gourmet dinner with The Donald into an ice cream. Someone suggested lobster ice cream - which is sort random, but I could see an Iron Chef pulling it off. Going along with the seafood/ice cream theme, another tastebud-challenged lady suggested Old Bay Seasoning Ice Cream. Um, that's awful. Seriously, that's so amazingly terrible, I don't know what to say. Why don't we go for a Celery Salt ice cream. Or maybe Paprika? Rumor has it that cumin is big on the fro-yo scene.

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Comments (12)

booyah:

Bradford was just saying he didn't need protection, that he could stand up for his work on equal footing with everyone. Perfectly reasonable to me. Trump just didn't like it because he didn't want someone immediately making obsolete his little 'innovation' for this season.

Anthropologist:

Yeah, I would have fired Bradford too. That was really stupid of him to put himself up like that. That girl Stacy get's on my nerves though, I actually wished to see her go before Bradford. Did she forget to pack her meds or something?

D:

Stacie wouldn't have been fired because it wasn't her fault they lost the mission. Bradford was a cocky bastard who made an idiotic move.

The thing is that in the exit interview, Bradford made a good point that he wanted to show that he'll go to war with his troops or whatever he said. however, he didn'tmake that argument to trump - as far as we could see. Instead, it came off as a cocky move and Trump I think made a good point. I think Ivanna would have gone if Bradford hadn't been dumb.

Lady J:

Bradford's move was foolish. He overplayed his hand and it blew up in his face. He had an advantage over everyone else on his team and he threw it away. What if he refused a discount on supplies or something, or some other favor someone extended in a deal? Winners don't do that. Exemption was his reward and he gave it back - whatever his reasons (available at bradfordcohenlaw.com is his explanation).

Ivana won't last much longer. She's not cut out for that organization at all. Her composure was immature and hostile and she completely fell apart when someone else got fired even though she knew someone would be fired.

Stacie J. may be the odd man out but she hasn't done anything that bad so far. She's easy pickins 'cause she has no allies and makes others uncomfortable. On the otherhand if you spent a little more than a week living and working with people who gave you the cut direct at every opportunity, how would you react? Those women getting up and walking away was ridiculous. What a childish bunch of mean-spirited bitches. (The entire team deserved idiot points for not realizing they were both on 42 Street and looking across the street for the other half. Maria walked 10 blocks? How is that possible? She would have to have walked the interior perimeter of the square, in which case she would have walked into her teammates.)

I think DT has it in for Jen C. for batting her eyes at him in front of his fiancee. At works one thing, but at the woman's own table?

mick:

It's so hard to like about 13 of the remaining 17 for this episode. None seem to have been in the real world outside of most of their Ivy League surroundings taking road trips to college towns of the same ilk. While the women sat around and rattled off every ingrediant short of a rabbit vibrator for the ice cream flavor, that one guy from Mosaic said, "Just drop some donuts in Vanilla ice cream, we're done." Then we have that second team leader for Mosaic congratulating himself on his authority, only to be shot down like a Christmas turkey in the next montage from all of the restaurants. "Hello, would you like to buy an un-named flavor from me, an independant contractor?" Duh!
Does anyone notice how they refer to themselves as boys and girls?
Was Fraulien Pamela going to sell Ciao Bella's (B-Side:I think you got the name wrong above)secret gelato making to the Nazi's? Stacie may be a train wreck, but those chicks did not need to leave her out of the gossipy gang bang they were having, they all looked like Santa's reindeer caught in the headlights when she walked into the room. Lie, you stupid be-yotches, have a back up plan. Finally, I nearly ralphed when that young guy said at the caviar dinner, "I just hope we can all keep in touch after this is over." What a weanie...He's the next guy to go. 'Scuse the spelling..

Lisa:

I don't think what Bradford did was dumb. All he said was he was so confident in how well he sold ice cream that he would waive his immunity if he had to. I don't think he was being serious. He never signed any papers that said "I will give up my immunity". I'm sure if he was a CEO it would take a little more than that to destroy a company. Why Trump made such a big deal about it is beyond me. If Trump would have fired based on task performance than Bradford should not have been fired. He was only confident because he did a good job selling ice cream. Lets hypothetically say Bradford sold all of the ice cream by himself. He would have most likely have been very confident and willing to waive his immunity. Is this a good reason for Trump to fire him? Why fire Bradford because he knows he was the best on the team? That was a flimsy excuse on behalf of Trump. He probably just did that so he could have "the board room that everyone will be talking about". And I just need to get something off my chest about this show that bothered me last year and this year too. Why does Trump say "You're Fired" when they were NEVER hired to begin with? Instead he should be saying "You are not hired". Pheew, I'm glad I got that off my chest. And B-Side, why not just make your own doughnut ice cream? It's not that hard. Take some ice cream, take some doughnuts and mix it together then you are done.

"And B-Side, why not just make your own doughnut ice cream? It's not that hard. Take some ice cream, take some doughnuts and mix it together then you are done."

You clearly have never tasted my cooking. Even the simplest act of mixing donuts with ice cream will result in some sort of culinary disaster. I'll leave it to the experts...

Lady J:

Forgot to add that another sign of Bradford's potential inappropriateness to win was his comment that if the guys "grew some boobies they could win like[my girls]." And he called them all girls in the boardroom instead of ladies.

Trump doesn't have to base his decision on task performance. This is a job interview. Any sign of unfitness is fair game. It's his company. He can use whatever criteria he wants.

jack:

Excellent Ivanna screen capture, B-Side--I can actually see the gag reflex. It's almost as good as that litle clip of the Chenbot smirking at Adria.

Interestingly, Bradford's unexpected, undeserved, and superbly humiliating ouster highlights the key ingredient to the massive success of 'The Apprentice,' which is that game theory, logic, and mob rule get completely thrown out the window when the same guy chooses who gets 'fired' every week. And let's face it, folks--that guy is Mark Burnett. Trump may not be able to contain his arrogance, but he knows who the real boss is.

Together, Trump and Burnett can independently dictate the course of the game based on which three or four happen to end up in 'the boardroom', so that Burnett can guarantee that melodramatic scene-stealers like Sam and Omarosa--despite being obviously inept and completely incapable of playing well with others--stay around long enough to generate the kind of viewing interest that made 'The Apprentice' the leviathan it is today.

For this reason, we won't be saying goodbye to Stacie J. (aka Omarosa 2.0) in the immediate future, nor will we bid farewell to this year's version of Sam, the foppish dandy Raj (who, despite his cane and gay butler's wardrobe, is actually a lot easier to take than our man with the $100 cup of Country-Time).

Burnett wants characters, and with 'The Apprentice,' he can avoid a Survivor Thailand or Marquesas-type situation in which all of the interesting people got eliminated relatively early, leading to the poorest ratings Burnett's had on any of his major network reality game shows. Trump let Sam and Omarosa skate for weeks last year when it was nakedly obvious that everyone else wanted to toss them both out of the nearest open window.

Bradford performed fairly well in both tasks--the girls ragged him, but at least he was smart enough to back off on that dumb football car idea, and his Times Square hustler schtick showed that he can sell--but he lost all sympathy from me when he walked out in public with the reverse Kangol. This style is suited only for pimps, cab-drivers, and Kool Moe Dee (although it might have looked nice with one of the bow-ties worn by the gay men's chorus--err, Mosaic Corporation, courtesy of Raj, the bastard son of Orville Redenbacher).

If there's anything that's expendable in reality TV, it's another likeable but bland, twenty-something white guy. Oh wait--I just described the guy who won the whole thing last year--screw that theory.

mick:

I guess by being a native New Yorker I have had Trump's name and being shoved down my throat for 3 decades now. I am 38. In the 80's, during his "Art of the Deal" media lovefest, I took on a personal vendetta to "The Donald" or "The Best Lover I ever had". It was unfortunate that at the age of 20, I was losing my hair and then I had heard a comment by the guilded golden leafed one that men who have no hair are basically, and I'm para-phrasing here, impotent to lead a business. This is why he has this Sampson complex with that beavers dam he calls a hairdo. He fired Bradford for what I believe are Lisa's comments above, and his total disdain for guys (not boys)who are of the non-hirsute type. By the way, Maria is total eye candy and Raj; the hypo-glycemic bow tie wearing look at me car wreck should have just grabbed a freaking English Muffin from the amply supplied suite. No hate, all love Mick
'Scuse the (sp)

drew:

i'm all for fans of THE APPRENTICE.

but it wasn't padded to 1 hr., 20 minutes.

it was padded to 1 hr., 41 minutes.

WAAAAAAY TOO LONG.

Down with supersizing!

Can't that pain in the ass Morgan Spurlock do something about NBC's scheduling?

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