TVgasm Recaps

It is already well-known that Katrina Campins, ex-reality star of NBC's hit The Apprentice has already surgically augmented herself. She is unabashed about it and famously states that any woman who hasn't used sex appeal to her advantage simply "hasn't learned how to yet". Katrina probably thought her implants would last her until she came to that point in her life when she decided she needed some colagen or botox. That is until she was left a "bloody mess" following an altercation with some tow truck drivers.

Grab your resumes and slap on a pantsuit. The Apprentice is back, and eighteen eager applicants are ready to grab their ankles in the pursuit of an auxiliary position in the Trump empire. Granted, I don't remember the Harvard MBA class that recommended exploitation on a reality show as a prudent career strategy, but hey, it worked for Kwame. So without further ado, let's make shallow, uninformed comments about the candidates based on their Friendster profiles...

Crustacean Nation?? If you're a little confused by that statement, let me clarify a little bit. NBC bowed season two of The Apprentice tonight, and man was it finger lickin' good. Donald and George and Carolyn and that random receptionist were all back for another round with some overly ambitious job applicants, most of which should be too smart to besmirch their impressive resumes on reality TV. It had been a while since we'd been in that wonderfully fake board room, and man did it feel good to be back. The Apprentice 2 remains just as strong as it did the first time around, if only because it introduced us to the ill-fated line of toys known as, you guessed it, Crustacean Nation.

Well, it's week two of The Apprentice, and while Marc Berman of Mediaweek complained that the 9:20 PM start time caused him to get sucked into CSI and therefore miss the first forty five minutes of the show, some of us were patient and have Tivos, ensuring that we saw almost two hours of corporate reality TV at its best. I will say that those of you who did brave through twenty minutes of a supersized (READ: longer, still not funny) Will & Grace to get to The Donald & Co., you deserve a Purple Heart. That being said, last night's episode once again reaffirmed The Apprentice's position in the reality elite. This show is just so damn good, even when it's been padded out for an hour and twenty minutes. It's the rare reality "skein" (as Variety calls it. Remind me to write a post making fun of Variety's stupid vernacular) where the competitions are just as exciting to watch as the climactic eliminations. Case in point: tonight's ice cream showdown. And just like a toddler holding a cone of Ben & Jerry's, things got messy.

Psychology students of the world, please gather round. If you've ever wanted to see a case study of self-preservation rearing its ugly head to create a scapegoat, look no further than last night's episode of The Apprentice. Donald Trump facilitated a circus in his board room that led to the unfair ouster of chronically misunderstood team member Stacie. Sure, the dandelion fluff'd one was a little nutty, and yes, in week one she seemed to be at wits end when no one would pay attention to a Magic 8 Ball, but did she really deserve the ungracious character assassination these women handed to her? I mean, they made her sound like an ax-wielding mad woman. Oh well. These catty detractors from the feminist movement have bought themselves a little time before they the knives have to be sharpened for each other.

Remember how last week on The Apprentice the girls all ganged up on Stacie J. because she was a supposedly toxic member of the group? And remember how her ejection from the game was supposed to restore peace and tranquility to Team Apex? Yeah, well, it's a funny thing how those scapegoats work out. Turns out deep social issues really don't go away when you kick out the woman with biggest hair. That's probably why the bickerfest which started last episode only escalated this week with the girls engaging in cat fights all hour long. Way to go, gals! I'm sure all the professional women just love the image you're putting forth!

One week ago, Maria dazzled viewers of The Apprentice with her wonderful talent for passive aggression. Last night she one-upped herself and demonstrated her formidable skill for snippy responses. She's really quite the versatile reality star. Due to popular demand, here is Maria at the top of her game. Enjoy.

Note Maria's deft use of body language in the first clip to connote "Even though I just called you a crazy bitch, there's no hard feelings. Right, sweetie?" Well played! That's the way to really mollify a situation. But Maria ain't no pushover! She marks her territory in the second clip with a remark that seems to say "If you don't do what I want, I'll cradle my face in my hand for HOURS." Now that's what I call fit for the job, Mr. Trump!

So Bravo, Maria! You've taken the precision of the Chenbot and mated it with the passive aggression of a flight attendant. May you always level people with your demented frown, and may your designer suit remain un-sat upon.

It's been a rough week for The Apprentice. Well, not so much for The Apprentice, but for recently fired applicant (can applicants be fired?) Jen C., who's found her world collapsing in the wake of her arguably anti-Semitic comments from last Wednesday. Yeah, this show isn't always great for your career. Just ask Kwame Jackson. Oh wait. Anyway, when we returned to the universe of The Apprentice last night, the apartment was reeling from the firing of Jen C.. No one seemed to mind her absence, and Stacy was kind enough to mark her departure with a little "The witch is dead" proclamation. Of course, in the wake of another female departure, the women all gathered around the kitchen to discuss ways to be more productive and communicative. This apparently meant finger pointing and general bitchiness - a strategy that has worked oh so well the past few weeks. "If you have to order bread, it shouldn't take forty five minutes," declared Sandy in what was supposed to be an attack on Stacy. SLAM! Nice panary dis! I've been waiting all season for someone to work in a pumpernickel attack, and I think this was about as close as I'm going to get. Oh yes. It was going to be a good show...

Well, we knew it would happen eventually. On tonight's episode of The Apprentice, the hemmoraging on the women's side finally ceased. Thanks to challenge that seemed to be all but catered towards women (and gay men), the Apex Corporation finally let out a squeal of relief when they learned that they had not in fact sucked. Amazingly enough, it was the careful aegis of Maria that led women to victory. Who would have thunk it? The robot came through clutch, or as clutch as can be in the easiest mission ever for women.

Question: Was there ever a song in the Wizard of Oz about munchkins expiring? I only ask because after a few weeks of "Ding dong the witch is dead" comments from Stacy and Raj, it seems as though the flying house that is Donald Trump's wrath has landed squarely on the resident munchkin this time. I'm curious if there might be a song like "La la, a munchkin died!" that would be appropriate for everyone to sing. Just curious.

Yes, at long last, Stacy was finally fired from The Apprentice last night, and this just in - she's still talking. It was inevitable that our budding lawyer would never make it to the halfway mark because, well, her greatest idea up to this point was being really really annoying. Still, she did have some assets. Okay, well, maybe not. But she was instrumental in getting uber-moron Jen C. fired, and we can all be thankful of that.

Another week, another smackdown in the boardroom. As the incompetent women of The Apprentice fall by the wayside one by one, it's become painstakingly clear that somewhere along the way a cruel casting director decided to exact his misogynistic rage on America. How else to explain the unbelievably embarrassing female representation of the business world this season? They might as well have just plucked a drunken wino from the 1-9 line and plopped her into the mix. Ooh, I would watch that actually. Note to self: pitch "Wino Apprentice" to NBC.

We love our fans here at TVgasm, and so we were particularly flattered by these two ladies and their capelet ambitions for their pooches. I'll just let their email explain.

Last Saturday inspired by B-sides' picture of the pooch in the capelet, from your Oct. 22 Aprentice posting, (and fueled by a bottle of wine with lunch) we could not resist putting one of the season's hottest
accessories on a dog statue in Nordstroms! We almost go kicked out by
security!

Then fueled by more wine and the Halloween Spirit we decided to dress up the dogs at home as Maria from the apprentice. Note the capelet and large flower broaches!

Much Lover from TVGASMs biggest fans,

Erika and Eloise

After last week's roller coaster episode of The Apprentice, I suppose we were overdue for a quiet, uneventful installment. Yes - we did get some Sweeps-tastic stunts with Bradford, Rob, crazy Stacie, and anti-Semite Jen all returning to the group, but overall, tonight's episode was rather tame. I mean, I know the idea of renovating a home is compelling television, but a) the show did this last year to more compelling effect; and b) there's a reason why we're not watching TLC at 9 PM on Thursdays. Besides, after watching Mischa Barton's stunning performance on The O.C., nothing else tonight could feel as entertaining.

Somewhere in America, former Apprentice candidate Elizabeth is shaking her head. After all, for a brief moment it looked like Chris would be joining her in the "I sucked so badly I was fired on the spot" club, but alas, it appears as though Elizabeth will keep that humiliating honor all to herself. Yes, Chris narrowly avoided that dubious distinction, but not much else. His performance as project manager this week was... how do you say it? Awful? Abysmal? Embarrassing? Shameful? Or how about simply lame? No amount of smiley faces on the knees could help him on this episode — unless of course those smiley faces could magically buy wedding dresses (they didn't).

Wow. I'm spent. Forgive me for the fatigue, but I'm still reeling from an hour of fantastic Maria moments on last night's The Apprentice. There was so much good stuff coming from Maria alone that I could simply write a laundry list of her quotes and be done with my post for the week. Oh but what's the fun in that? Don't you worry though. My weekend project is to compile this Maria-tastic episode into a convenient clip that all the TVgasm readers can enjoy for time eternal. In the meantime, let's take a stroll down memory lane and relive the final days of Hitler — I mean, Maria.

It's only been about ten days since Maria scowled her way off The Apprentice and already I'm missing her. My life was once complete and logical, but I now find myself asking questions: Where can I find quality high-speed blinking in primetime? Where can I see the latest in leviathan brooch fashion? And who will be my paragon for the academic prowess that is a minor in home economics with a concentration in communications? Luckily, my discomfort was only short lived. With doubts and worries in my head, I set out on a cyber odyssey to find some sort of Maria-ish fulfillment, and much to my pleasure, I found it quite easily. Yes, all the answers to my questions were quaintly available at MariaBoren.com, the pink turd of a website that serves as the de facto shrine to all things Maria. And conveniently, it's brought to us by... Maria! Let's take a look...

People whore themselves out for all sorts of things every day. Just look at all the "indie" bands on The OC. But is it really necessary to whore yourself out over a candy bar? According to last night's Apprentice, the answer is yes. Whore it early and whore it often! And that's exactly what Ivana did as she literally stripped off her skirt in an effort to sell one measly candy bar. Wow. Last time I checked, Willy Wonka never had to drop trou to broaden his consumer base, and if he did, then I think we should reexamine what exactly he meant by golden ticket. Okay, I've brought this post into a disturbing area very very quickly; so I'll just get back on track by doing my favorite Friday morning activity: bashing Apprentice-ites.

Well, we're down to the final two. After months of spats and firings and stripteases, Donald Trump & Co. have whittled down the group of prospective Apprentice winners to two candidates: Kelly and Jenn. This was only a semi surprise since Kelly's been the odds on favorite to win since mid October (I pulled that timeframe out of my ass, by the way). As for Jenn? Well... she's pretty. Okay, to Jenn's credit, she has a very accomplished resume and an excellent education, but I mean really. She's going up against Kelly. The Kellster. Kellyrama. There's no way she can beat that juggernaut. The only way she could possibly sabotage Kelly would be if she had someone call the loft phone every five minutes. He'd drop anything to pick up that phone, even the final challenge. Commence finger tenting... right.... now.

In honor of The Apprentice 2 wrapping up next week, I decided to put together this little montage of Maria Boren during her final blazing episode. Note her robotic movements, her spastic blinking, and her manic hands which flap and gesticulate so violently you'd think she'd need a license to operate them. Most impressive, however, is Maria's keen way of balancing between passive aggression and full out hostility. Repressed rage never looked so manicured.

Truthfully, I'd never want to get on this woman's bad side, which is exactly what I'm doing every time I post about her. Oh Maria, we'll always love you. Here's to hoping you'll be on Apprentice All Stars four years from now!

After weeks of a globally broadcast job interview, during which you must prove week after week, task after task that all your experience and education makes you deserving the respect and position as President of a Trump organization, you are, humbly, let go. So, what now? What does a strong proper business woman do? How can you continue the momentum which will eventually guide you to become the master of industry you are so deserving of? SHOW YOUR JUBBLIES!

The ladies of The Apprentice 2 "are fired" up as they make the natural progression from leaders of industry, to reality TV personality, and ultimately to the pages of Maxim Magazine. Proving once again, the real way for a woman to accell in this male driven society is to be sitting next to the male driving, preferably in lingerie and if necessary, fellate that society he is driving like only a college educated woman can.

But the real heroes in this story are the underage children in the Ecuadorian airbrushing facilities, employed by MAXIM. For only $0.12 a day they can turn shriveled, liver spotted belly warmers, into supple sweater muffins.

FULL MAXIM PHOTO'S AND REVIEW AFTER THE JUMP

Memo to NBC: Never ever EVER do that again.

After weeks and weeks of entertaining, campy, and often exciting episodes of The Apprentice, NBC did what it does best: killed it. Yes, the network supersized, inflated, bloated, expanded, and stretched out what should have been a tight, intense finale into a hollow, boring three hour marathon full of such stall-worthy moments as a musical interlude from The O.J.'s and a cameo appearance by Sugar Ray Leonard to tout his DOA reality offering, "The Contender". It was a less than thrilling attempt by Jeff Zucker & Co. to fill out the Must Not See TV slate currently occupied by laugh-free sitcoms Joey and Will & Grace, and to that end, I suppose this puffed up version of The Apprentice did offer more entertainment than those sitcoms. But still, I feel like I've emerged about five years older, and I'm not sure, but I think I have a lovely collection of bed sores to boot.

Anyway, let's rev up the time machine and head back a few presidential elections ago to when this finale started off. (For those of you unfamiliar with sarcasm, fear not. You did not in fact miss any elections.)

It's been one month since the last season of The Apprentice wrapped up, and wouldn't you know it, the live finale is still going on. Okay, maybe it's not, but in our minds, that long, stultifying episode continues to replay as we remember endless audience participation, random Ojay's singing, and Trump's Chief Operating Officer completely losing it on live TV. Was this the end for The Apprentice? It left such a sour taste in everyone's mouth that to return to the trough almost felt like a chore.

Well, thank goodness last night's season premiere was back on point. I don't know how I could have dealt had one of my favorite reality shows gone down in flames. We knew we were back in the comforting hands of Mark Burnett as the first images of Trump's helicopter filled the screen. With Killer Tracks blazing in the background ("dunh, dunh, DUNH!!!"), we gazed upon the formidable New York City skyline and entered a semi-meditative state — until The Donald bellowed out "New York City: I love this town!" Welcome back, Apprentice. Welcome back.

In less than a week, current Apprentice contestants have gone from complete obscurity to become overnight people who kinda look familiar. Striking while the iron is luke warm, several of the gameshow contestants have put up websites several of which indicate the ability to be employed which would imply they are not "The Apprentice." Many of the cast, such as Kendra, have pages on their company's website which is completely normal and practilcally unmockable. But some, such as Erin whos website boasts her as "The Model/Lawyer" are just plain shameless. Wicked hot... but shameless.

The ultimate in shame comes in the final two websites listed after the jump....incredible.

For those wondering, according to an email exchange with Tarshi, 20%-50% of all proceeds will make its way to Tsunami Relief, which is a much higher percentage than expected. Using TvGasm's estimated sales of the Tarshi Bar, I can honestly say Sri Lanka will appreciate the $3.23 donation from Michael Tarshi.

Safe money so far, bet on street smarts.

It's that time again. Time for the home renovation episode of The Apprentice. In season one, teams had to spiffy up an apartment. Then last year, it was a whole house. Well, what next? How about Extreme Makeover: Wood Panelling Edition? That's pretty much what we got with this super-sized episode of Trump-mania. The Donald & Co. outdid themselves as each team was assigned the gargantuan task of renovating and running a motel on the Jersey Shoreline. Wow, that sounds like a short-order for chaos. Something tells me Trump approved this mission simply so he could snip "You're a disaster" a few more times.

Have you ever wanted to be a part of television, but worried about scraping your fat ass away from your TV or internet for longer than it takes to order your double stuffed, thing crust, triple decker, multi-cheese, meat lovers, pan fried, deep fried pizza? Worry not!

Tv Gasm is making available to you a way to win the most self indulgent product since TRUMP WATER, a Tarshi Bar without ever having to leave your computer screen.

That's right. We at the Gasm not only encourage TV watching, but laziness and gluttony as whole. So when the opportunity arose to give away food, well we leaped at the chance. Well, I leaped...but the effort used in that leap, caused palpitations of the heart and I collapsed in a cold pale sweat. I am told J-Unit ran to my unconscious aid, but only made it about 15 feet before succumbing to a sudden onset of diabetes on account of seeing how many twinkies he could eat in a 48 hour period. B-Side would have helped, but was too busy masturbating over his silly victory over J-Unit and I, in the best of 2004 poll. Back to the point...

All you have to do win the Tarshi Bar, is pick the next apprentice....Read entry instructions and the official rules after the jump...

This week's Apprentice was all about Taster's Choice, and in the spirit of product placement, I decided to speak with a British accent and ask my neighbor for some spare coffee grounds. Unfortunately, a man named Barry opened the door wearing nothing but some skimpy boxers, and my lame attempt to personally resurrect the Taster's Choice commercials ended with me shivering traumatically in my apartment. The point is, sometimes coffee can lead to bad things, and in the case of one candidate, it can lead to reality extermination. Now that'll wake you up in the morning.

The Apprentice's Cruela Deville, when not killing puppies and plucking a draq queen shape into her eyebrows, berates complete strangers and insults old men who drive lesser cars than hers. In a recently stolen webcast video on a Kristen Kirchner fan site, Kristen refers to herself has a "hot chick", bashes Los Angeles, and tells a complete stranger to "move his f-cking piece of shit car."

Telling tales of reality contestants being douche-bags really isn't news worthy, but when there is "stolen video footage" attached to the headline, well it just sounds sexier.

Follow the link and check it out.

Wow. This was a remarkable episode. No, not because it was particularly exciting or emotional or intense, but because the two teams on The Apprentice exposed a complete lack of imagination when it came to marketing. For ages I wondered who could possibly create all those thousands of poorly conceived, terribly executed late night commercials, and now I know: Wannabe reality stars! So congratulations, Apprentice. We now finally have the first primetime show to prominently feature gay veggie porn and a man running around with smeared white cream all over his face. If that's not captivating, I don't know what is.

It's official. I'm a big fan of the lastest Apprentice cast. Yeah, some of them don't talk (big silent ups to Craig, Tara, and Kendra) and some of them have poor fashion choices (Erin's wardrobe is apparently assembled from Bed, Bath & Beyond scraps), but I'm happy to report that everyone seems to be relatively interesting. More importantly, the interpersonal conflicts don't smell of reality star showboating. I'm sure I'll be eating my words by the end of the season, but hey, if I can't pontificate now, when will I ever get another chance?

Daaayuummm. That Donald Trump gets mad props, yo! Yes, the much ballyhooed hip hop installment of The Apprentice aired last night, and if you happened to tune into NBC during the 9 pm hour, you might have momentarily believed you were watching BET — that is, if BET stood for "Bad Entertainment Television." Well, I shouldn't say that it was bad entertainment because truthfully, I was quite entertained by these fools attempting to capture street culture. And honestly, at the end of the day, what else could speak more of hip hop than a short, white Tennessee district attorney wearing a bow tie? Move over 50 Cent. Bren's in da club.

There was so much bickering on last night's episode of The Apprentice that the producers didn't even have any time to throw in the opening credits. From nearly the top of the hour until the very end, the show centered on petty squabbles, usually with Audrey in the middle. Not that I minded. You see, I'm ruled by the shallow desire to watch silly people make fools of themselves on national television; so witnessing the various meltdowns, spats, and name calling really helped me ease into the weekend. Gotta problem with Audrey? BRING IT.

TVgasm reader IndianJones proudly displays a Tarshi Bar prior to consumption

A few weeks ago, enterprising TVgasm writer Madeyoulaugh discovered that Apprentice reject Michael Tarshi manufactures his own line of candy bars, aptly titled the Tarshi Bar. Never one to turn down sugary confections or reality star byproducts, Madeyoulaugh quickly ordered a box of these chocolate marvels that promised to "Make Love To Your Stomach." After a seemingly interminable wait, the candy bars finally arrived yesterday, and the TVgasm editors (along with one avid reader) all partook in a Tarshi tasting. What were the results? Well, you'll just have to read the Tarshi Bar Photo Essay to find out...

There were so many truly wonderful elements to last night's Apprentice, I just don't know where to begin. We had a surly George, an angry Carolyn, a ball-busting Trump, a rage-filled Chris, a speaking Kendra, and even a funny Erin. But most of all, we had Tana talking street to Lil Jon. Honestly, it was reality bliss.

Unfortunately, it's 2:24 AM in Los Angeles, and I committed the cardinal sin of hitting the bars on a Thursday night instead of nestling up to my Tivo. So basically, happy Friday morning. Have some patience, and hopefully I'll have a nice ole Apprentice recap up by the afternoon (early evening for all you East Coasters). Until then, just replay all those wonderful scenes in your head.

UPDATE: Survivor was awesome too. So much writing...

UPDATE II J-Unit adds: The OC featured a Star Wars Trailer and new Victoria Secret bra technology. Coincidence? I think not.

Bad news everyone. Last night's episode of The Apprentice was so great, it'll be hard to top it the rest of the season. We may come close, but honestly, this was as good as it gets. Like I mentioned in an earlier post, we had all the elements working for us. We had the signature Chris meltdown, we had Tana's Mary-Kay-cum-Ebonics performance, we had George and Carolyn at their berate-iest best, and we even had the surprise ouster of one of the frontrunners to win the whole shebang. Oh, and Lil Jon too!

Okay, if you just did a Dave Chappelle "whAAAT? okAAAY!", you really should stop. No disrespect, but, well, it's only funny when he does it.

It's been two weeks since our last new Apprentice aired, and I sort of feared the worst. After all, how can any installment ever live up to the magical chemistry between Tana and Lil' Jon? Well, unfortunately, this week's edition paled in comparison, but that's not to say it wasn't chock full of entertainment. The loyal viewing audience was treated to a silly challenge, an even sillier reward, a tense boardroom, and a raging Chris. That's really all we need sometimes.

Reality Blurred brought to our attention that at this past weeks Miami Fashion Show, Katrina Campins new modeling career was really bustin' out. That is to say she is really bustin' out at her modeling. Err...hmmm, I guess the punniest way to put it is "HEY LOOK, THAT CHICK FROM THE APPRENTICE'S BOOBIE POPPED OUT!"

Of course we at TVGasm have no imagination and needed tangable proof of what that would look like. Once we aquired it, we had no choice but to share it with you, our loyal readers.

See the newly enhanced Katrina after the Jump. UPDATE: Now more pictures from the runway. If the pictures look doctored, it's because her tits are fake.

I have to say, I felt slightly let down by this week's episode of The Apprentice. I mean, it was still fun and entertaining, but NBC had hyped it up to be Chris's big, crazy meltdown episode, and honestly, we'd seen better. Yes, I did appreciate his cursing, and yes, some of the finger pointing and customary teeth-sneering was very exciting, but at the end of the day, he never quite reached the fever pitch of that one time when he sassed off to George. Man, that was great. The good news though is that we still have next week, and maybe even the week after that. There's always room for a Chris breakdown, and if we don't get what we want, I propose that NBC just follow him around with a camera until he just completely loses it and winds up in the looney bin or at least a holding cell.

Last month, Reality Blurred reported that Apprentice 3 flunkee Kristen Kirchner would be reshooting the infamous Dove ad that had sent her packing from Trump's boardroom. Well, she might want to pull the plug on production. While I'm sure Kristen's anxious to repair her image -- her scary, surgically enhanced image, that is -- it seems as though Madison Avenue has beat her to it. Actually, less Madison Avenue and more Rue de Madison.

Mennen Sport has launched a new ad on French television featuring a marathon runner suddenly refreshing himself mid-race with a bodywash. Sound familiar? That's because team Net Worth had the same exact concept for their Dove bodywash spot. Needless to say, when produced by professionals, the commercial is much, much better.

I'm sure Kristen will be more than happy to make a big stink about this, if only to further extend her time in the reality spotlight. In the meantime, feel free to check out both commercials.

To watch Kristen's abhorrent version, click here. Select the "Exclusive Video" option and then locate media from week 4.

To watch the Mennen commercial, click here . The page is in French, so if you can't read it, simply find the section labeled "Pub TV Mennen Sport" and click either "Haut débit" for high-speed connection or "Bas débit" for a low-speed connection.

Thanks to TVgasm reader Lothaire for pointing this out.

Reality TV's future white OJ, Chris Douchebagenstein, was shown last night as being the worst buyer at shameless product placement mega-store Best Buy.

After Best Buy neglected to give him his (shameless product placement) Visa credit card, Mr. Douchebagenstein had to spend a majority of the next day standing in the wonderfully air-conditioned and shamelessly promoted Best Buy while management attempted to find his (shamelessly product placed) Visa card which was used to buy among other things, a shamelessly product placed Nintendo Gameboy and shamelessly product placed iPod. After spending a presumed $5,000,000 for the shameful product placement on The Apprentice, Best Buy was seemingly unhappy to see they were portrayed as irresponsible and slow in the matter of the Visa and leaked to Reality Blurred the real story behind the "lost Visa."

Because I like the good people at Reality Blurred, I won't spoil the details and instead refer you to their site for the full story, but needless to say, Chris is a tool. Sadly not in a fun to watch Omarosa kinda way, but in a rich white trash guy who will be seen on COPS one day kinda way.

Granted his douchebaggedness is not post-worthy, nor is the fact that The Apprentice pimps itself out to more sponsors than a whore in the backseat of a Nascar in the Indy 500, but hey...its a slow news day, its Friday, and I’m sure you people are just hitting refresh on TVGasm waiting for something new...so it was either this or taking a nap, like this guy.

I don't know what was more entertaining on this week's Apprentice: the awkward corporate presentations or Domino's Pizza's painful attempt to atone for presenting us with a cheeseburger pizza (barf) after last week's much hyped meatball pizza. I have to say, it's not often that the sponsors can upstage the silliness of our Trump wannabes, but I think in this instance, Domino's exceeded the task with flying colors. And even if you disagree with me, market research proves that I'm right.

Three nights ago on The Apprentice, fledgling corporate powerhouse Chris informed us that he was putting the kibotch on his famed temper. We all knew it wouldn't last very long, and thankfully, a well-timed arrest early this morning reestablished his reputation as reality TV's reigning hothead maniac. Yes, Chris finally landed behind bars in Tampa Bay today after an altercation at the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel and Casino. Apparently he refused to pay a bar cover, and, you guessed it, he became loud, irritable, and scary.

According to Tampa Bay Online, Chris refused to cough up a $20 cover because he had just spent $2,000 on his room. That, and he had left his wallet at Best Buy again. Anyway, Chris predictably created chaos when his pseudo-celebrity stature was denied entrance to this pricey club, and before long, the cops arrived to diffuse the scene. However, taming the beast is no easy task. The police allegedly asked Chris to calm down many times, but he continued to yell and curse, ultimately resulting in a nifty "disorderly conduct" arrest. Rumor has it Chris tried to reason with a cop by shouting, "SIR, I AM NOT BEING UNREASONABLE! I AM JUST AGGRESSIVE AND FULL OF ENERGY! I AM NOT ANGRY! ARGH!!!!" Chris then bashed the cop's head into a nearby slot machine and spat on his face. No word on whether or not a taser was implemented.

And so ended a perfectly fun weekend celebrating the birthday of fellow Apprentice star John, who we all remember for his chauvinist outlook and lame wallet chain. He's quoted in Tampa Bay Online as saying "It's so ludicrous. The hotel handled the situation very poorly from top to bottom." He then added, "Probably some dumb broad in charge."

Presently, Chris is out and about, having posted a $250 bail earlier today. So women and children of Tampa Bay, we advice you to get inside and lock the front door. If you see a short, round, screaming man who doesn't appear to be homeless, be sure to alert the proper authorities: TVgasm.

Mugshot after the jump...

Once again, TVgasm has clairvoyantly predicted an Apprentice candidate's off camera fate. Four days ago, Madeyoulaugh asserted that Chris's homicidal rage would land him on COPS, and sure enough, 48 hours later, our resident hot head wound up behind bars. Now fellow Net Worth teammate Kristen Kirchner has come along and made us look wise all over again. Just last week, we profiled a Mennen commercial that seemed to borrow liberally from Kristen's ill-fated Dove disaster ad from earlier this season. I wrote: "I'm sure Kristen will be more than happy to make a big stink about this, if only to further extend her time in the reality spotlight."

Well, ladies and gentlemen, Kristen has made a big stink. Reality Blurred reports today that Kristen has issued a press release whose purpose is to basically say "They copied me!" Of course, all it really does it make her seem amazingly (more) pathetic, especially given the press release's clunky, non-college-educated prose: "The characteristics of the thirty second spots are too similar for coincidence, including the storyline of a marathon runner lathering-up with bodywash mid- race and crossing the finish line first and the funky music soundtrack." I also enjoy how Kristen describes her firing as "controversial." Controversial? For whom? Dumb idiots who can't get over being eliminated from a reality show? Kristen goes on to bash The Donald for calling her commercial "terrible" when in fact it was so awesome that another company stole it for their campaign. So Kristen, if your commercial was so wonderful, why did it turn out so shitty? Anyone who blunders such a good idea SHOULD be fired, yes?

Luckily, the press release reminds us that Kristen is still toiling away at her self-financed reshoot of the Dove commercial (a.k.a. the biggest waste of money EVER). Little does she realize that her professional legitimacy has been ruined by a) appearing on a reality show; b) acting like an idiot on said reality show; and c) clinging onto some sad notion that people care about her low budget commercial.

So should TVgasm pat itself on the back for accurately predicting this silliness? Well, we generally pat ourselves on the back for just about anything (Seriously. Making a sandwich is a cause for celebration in my book), but honestly, these reality stars are so obvious in their intentions and logic, it's not like you have to be a psychic to anticipate any of their follies. For now though, we'll simply congratulate ourselves again and eagerly await Kristen's cinematic masterpiece.

There was much to love about this week's Apprentice. We had tears in the boardroom (always amusing), candidates sleeping on the job, and Tana making scandalous comments within the first minute of the show. Unfortunately, there was only one element missing: a volcanic eruption of rage from our dearest Chris. Wow. Maybe he had turned his life around? Maybe his violent anger had finally been quelled? Or maybe he had simply taken some meds? Yeah, that was probably it. After all, this was the same guy who got arrested last week for haggling over a bar cover. I personally would like to see some spin-off show where Chris gets angry doing everyday activities. You know, like washing his car or ordering at McDonald's. I bet the Supermarket Express Lane episode would be a two hour special. Mmmm... Rage-licious!

Man oh man am I behind in my recaps. I should really stop bitching and moaning, but in the spirit of reality TV, why not play the victim and make a giant drama? Well, I apologize again. I was hoping to tackle this recap last night, but after a transatlantic flight on American Airlines left me hungry (no more complimentary snacks? WTF???), uncomfortable (who needs legroom?), and sick of Mike O'Malley's big face ("Eye On American" never disappoints. At least the Chenbot was around to babble about Paul Anka), I was hardly in a state to write anything coherent. Thankfully, this afternoon I am replenished and full of snark, which is a good thing because this week's episode of The Apprentice was goofy as always. We didn't have our old firecracker Chris around, but luckily our wrath can now happily refocus on Craig and Alex, the underwhelming duo of mediocrity that have managed to fail upwards week after week. Unskilled workers advancing in a corporate environment? Wow, this show puts "reality" in reality TV!

I decided not to write this week's Apprentice recap until six days later because, well, I wanted everyone to have a good perspective on it and... okay, I was just lazy. I was gonna type it up on Sunday evening, but a certain TV movie derailed those plans. But why waste time with a dumb intro? Let's just get right to it.

Well, it's May, and as season finale, uh, season kicks in, our favorite reality shows have whittled down their contestant pool to a scant three or four members. As for The Apprentice, we started this week's episode with only three huggable candidates: the perky Tana, the feisty Kendra, and the nonsensical Craig. That meant it was time for one of my favorite Apprentice traditions: the corporate interviews! I don't really know why I love this segment so much (maybe that old purist in me enjoys the virtues of an old-fashioned sit-down), but I was happy to see the contestants squirm, stutter, and in the case of Craig, start ten different sentences at once.

Ah, but the joy of this penultimate episode reached beyond just the interviews. After all, this installment also marked the beginning of the final challenge, and in a nice, sadistic twist, Mark Burnett & Co. brought back the most scatterbrained, testy, and inept contestants of the season. Oh, this will be a great finale.

So in all the excitement that was Survivor's finale weekend, I sort of forgot about lil' ole Apprentice, but that's okay. It's not like anyone was fired (or hired, as it were). Yes, in grand NBC tradition, this so-called "Finale" has been stretched over two episodes, which means the really good stuff won't be on the air until tonight. That's not to say last week's show was without merit. There were plenty of enjoyable moments as the two finalists struggled to keep their event running smoothly, particularly a dejected Governor Pataki strolling around awkwardly without a flag. But who will win this whole shebang? My money's on Kendra for now. Let's take a look back, shall we?

ABC goes Trumpster Diving

After AMERICAN IDOL was an established hit and ratings grabber, ABC jumped on the bandwagon by doing a Primetime Live expose on Paula Abdul's alleged sexual rumpus with a former contestant on the show. In its never-ending quest to be a reactive network rather than proactive network, the alphabet will now be tackling NBC's television tuner THE APPRENTICE, by doing an unauthorized biopic on The Donald. The movie, expected to demonize Saint Trump, has caused the comb-over king to preemptively threaten a slander suit against ABC if, upon viewing, Mr. Trump finds himself with his panties a twist. Money, sex, scandal and really bad wigs. This movie is going to have it all, AND it just so happens to be airing opposite the Rob and Amber Wedding, which is reason enough to tune in.

Trump Unauthorized will be liveblogged when it airs Tuesday 8/9C on the ABC network.

Owen Wilson Is....The Donald

After long delay, I finally saw the much-hyped finale for season three of The Apprentice, and sadly, the only surprise here was that Matthew Calamari didn't return to royally embarrass himself on live television once again. Yes, we here at the TVgasm offices were traveling on the 15 freeway en route to Las Vegas when Donald Trump officially anointed his next glorified underling, and so I didn't even get a chance to check out this hour of splendor until late last evening. The Donald had promised to cut down on the fat from last season's bloated finale, but would he be true to his promise?

Yes and no. For starters, he nixed the endless testimonies from random people in the audience (thank god -- although, again, kind of missing Matthew Calamari). Unfortunately, he also did away with the reunion segment, something that I'm always eager to see. What we were left with was a herky-jerky Q & A as well as a lengthy segment on the adventures of Kelly and Brian, Apprentices Extraordinaire. Also, let's not forget that while this episode was only an hour long, the actual finale was a two-part event that stretched over seven days; so at the end of the day, while this show was certainly shorter than last season's three-hour snoozefest, I don't think it's safe to say that it was any less bloated.

Hmmm. Scandalous tell-all TV movie about a powerful billionaire, and the cable company decides to do a SCHEDULED maintenance on a weeknight during sweeps month?? Nah, that doesn't reek of grassy knoll conspiracy.

Madeyoulaugh and Michael Tarshi: building bridges, TVgasm style.

A few months ago, TVgasm was brave enough to sample the notorious Tarshi Bar, a confection whose dubious roots stemmed from Apprentice 3 reject, Michael Tarshi. The experience was memorable, to say the least, and brave readers might remember the images of Madeyoulaugh spewing out the chocolate like a syrupy geyser.

Well, after a random TVgasm adventure on Friday night involving The Miz, Coral, Jerry Manthey, and Nikki McKibbon's inner-thigh -- oh, there'll be a post, J-Unit and I (along with TVgasm reader Indian Jones) wound up having lunch with Michael Tarshi this weekend. I would write out all the dirty details, but there really weren't any (Uh, Tarshi's on a low-carb diet? He likes cars? He reads TVgasm?). Nevertheless, the idea occurred to us that we should deliver Tarshi to Madeyoulaugh's doorstep for a surprise confrontation worthy of the best reality show pranks. Well, never one to leave a customer upset (or yakking), Michael Tarshi was kind enough to play along, and sure enough, Madeyoulaugh nearly fell off his couch when the lumbering presence of this oft-skewered reality star sauntered into his living room. After the shock died away, Madeyoulaugh promptly retrieved his last Tarshi Bar (appropriately hanging on his "Wall of Shame") and had the man himself sign it. The moment was very special, and at the end of the day, much love was had by all. It truly was a Tarshigasm.

A few more pics after the jump...

Because we here at TVgasm love to share the most inane pieces of gossip, we're proud to report that Kristen Kirchner from The Apprentice 3 and newly rejected "hunk" Chris Carson from Average Joe: The Joes Strike Back are an item. How do we know this? Because last night I had the unpleasant privilege of seeing Kristen's hand resting happily in Carson's crotch. I happened to have gone out briefly to catch a drink with friends at local bar, Barney's Beanery, and while I was standing around and talking, I suddenly realized that the two reality stars were sitting at a table directly below me. Anyway, I was at a perfect vantage point to see the Kristen's hand casually draped on Carson's inner thigh, about an inch or so away from his pee-pee. It's a good thing I had caught up on my Average Joe episodes yesterday, otherwise I would never have understood the significance of this pairing.

Anyway, for all those who care, the blonde Kristen is every bit as drag queenish in person as she is on TV. Still can't figure out why Carson went after her as opposed to the many other attractive reality alums out there. I guess his whole "chauvinist asshole" thing must have really turned the hotties off.

As much as I would have liked to have picked their brains, I didn't bother ingratiating myself with these reality stars though because a) they were were liable to punch me, and b) I do have standards. Besides, my friends from Seventh Heaven happened to be there, and I couldn't let them think that I actually care about reality stars. Needless, to say, I did try to snap a photo with my camera phone, but... well... the darkness kills me every time.

The buzz may be long gone from The Apprentice, but man, this show still works. Yeah, there are a lot of haters out there, but honestly, it's hard to top the delicate mixture of bombastic Trumpisms, blatant product placement, bickering overachievers, and possibly the best elimination forum on television: the boardroom. It looks like we'll be in for another exciting journey this season, and if this first episode is any indication, there'll be fun times aplenty here on TVgasm. It's late at night, and I have a lot of writing ahead, so let's get this party started.

And pardon the unintentional Pink reference.

Enjoy this clip from last night's Apprentice, featuring quite possibly the best marketing campaign Lamborghini could ever ask for. Full recap to follow later.

So the big scuttlebutt on the television circuit is how much The Apprentice has been slumping in the ratings. It's too bad because if anyone actually stopped to watch the show, they'd find that this tried and true formula still produces some of the most entertaining moments on TV. Haters like to say that the show is filled with too much product placement (true) and that the cast is catty and self-absorbed (true too), but people, we don't tune in to find a stirring depiction of the corporate hiring process. This show is about Trump and the silly things people will do for his admiration. After seeing all the copycats (ahem, Tommy Hilfiger, ahem Mark Cuban), I've grown to fully appreciate The Donald and his seamless ability to hold sway over his own show. Those who enjoy true entertainment tune in for him, which is why this is all a longwinded and snooty way of saying "How's about that Boardroom?"

Yes, Trump's finger gun went off with a literal bang this week in one of the best iterations of "You're Fired" of all time. This show may have lost its novelty but not its poorly combed-over spunk.

I knew tonight's episode of The Apprentice had to be good because honestly, how could you not love the divine union of old people and Trump? Technically, the two never really crossed paths (unless you count Trump's daily interactions with George), but having both prominently featured in one hour of reality television was more than enough to bring a smile to my face. Plus, everyone kept talking about cookies. I was ready to head down to Mrs. Field's by the time this "Tethno Expo" had run its course. Old people, Trump, cookies -- what more could you want?

Last week on The Apprentice, we watched an immutable Rebecca stand up for Toral's honor in the Boardroom. She defended her to the point of foolishness, but somehow wound up on top, escaping Trump's wrath and sending meek Jennifer W. and her Tethno cake down to the street. This week we knew it was crunch time for Toral. She would have to either rise to the occasion or face certain death at the hands of the Donald. Now here's the thing. Everyone on Toral's team hates her. In fact, I'm sure most of America hates her too. But I LOVE her. I love her unwavering condescension, her frantic defensiveness, and most of all, her expressive little face that manages to be both smug and feisty all at the same time. She may be a pain to deal with in person, but c'mon now. Everyone needs a little Toral on their TV.

It's Friday morning. 3:17 AM to be exact, and I'm now finally sitting down to watch The Apprentice. In the interest of saving a little time and getting this post up on a Friday for once, I've decided to change things up a bit and liveblog the hour. It's bound to be a good one. After all, this is the episode that shamefully promotes Zenthura. I haven't even seen the show, and I've already spent the past six hours saying, "ZENTHURA!" It's almost as good as Steve Wynn's "LE RÊVE!" (I can't explain it. Just go to his website and hunt down "Le Rêve" in the shows category). One question: it is Zenthura, right? Right??

What happens when Wyclef Jean and the men of The Apprentice team up? Why, you get America's next hit single. Even if you don't watch The Apprentice, this clip has to be seen -- nay, experienced.

Wow. I don't know where to begin. If you didn't catch last night's Apprentice, I'm sorry to say that you missed out on quite the treat. If it's sitting on your Tivo still waiting to be viewed, then stop reading, and watch it. This was one for the record books -- although, unfortunately, due to the nature of my new job, the big ending was spoiled for me; so it didn't have the same impact that it probably would have had I been "fresh." That's okay though. I could still enjoy the craziness of this episode -- from the petty squabbling to the epic downfall of hubris. Plus, with all the zaniness going down, we almost forgot the best part of all: Carolyn took charge! Sort of...

Has Toral from The Apprentice been slumming in one of those "cute" secretarial or administrative positions? No, that's just Mindy Kaling from The Office. Toral would NEVER stoop to that level, even if it were fictional. (Unless, of course, it involved the famed Blizzard Blizzamarol.)

After last week's Apprentice bloodletting, it would have been hard for the Donald to top himself, but he managed to set us atwitter once again as he delivered yet another scandalous Boardroom. Granted, only one person was fired this time, but that shouldn't distract us from the frank and, at times, baffling discussion about sex, homosexuality, anti-Semitism, and of course, Carolyn's boobs. It was kind of like the After School Special from hell. In other words, it was awesome.

Okay, the title of this post kind of doesn't make any sense. If only there were a guy named Luke on this task, and if only he were fired -- then it would be awesome. But actually, it still wouldn't make much sense because the implication would be that Luke was in fact the person in search of an apprentice. I guess I could have always called it "May the Marketing Force Be With You," but honestly, it's just not as fun. Okay, enough pondering. I like the sound of this headline, and it's appropriate enough, given that Thursday's Apprentice was all about Star Wars. Yes, the two masters of media hype -- Donald Trump and Lucasfilms -- joined forces (heh) to create one giant Deathstar of product placement. Did it work? Possibly. At the very least, it opened up the floor for many, many Star Wars puns -- although, considering I'm not nearly the superfan that some of my friends and co-workers are, chances are you'll probably only get about one Leia-bun's worth of references. And don't expect them to get much better than that.

On this week's Apprentice, I was all geared up for the second coming of "The Rubble Man" after the previews promised a wild and crazy songwriting challenge. The good news was that we did indeed get a nice sampling of corporate types testing out their windpipes, but unfortunately, when it came to the bulk of the singing this episode, we were left in the capable and therefore unentertaining hands of professionals. For shame. In this age of Bai Ling and William Hung and the Apprentice's very own Adam ("FREAKIN!!!!"), it's a near crime not to have atonal reality stars try their hand at some vocals. Maybe Trump just didn't want his very special Emmy night crooning to be overshadowed. Don't worry, Donny. We'll never forget it...

I must admit that I was beyond excited at the outset of the latest episode of The Apprentice because for a brief moment, I thought our corporate wannabes might actually be rapping their way through a challenge. But my dreams of a Rubble Man Redux were quickly shattered as Trump informed everyone that people would be wrapping not rapping. Oh, that little "w" makes all the difference, doesn't it? That's okay. I was still able to enjoy this episode for all its goofy perks like the scandalous megaphone subterfuge and of course the gratuitous Shania Twain cameo. If that's not a Thanksgiving gift, I don't know what is.

Going into this week's episode of The Apprentice, a certain level of suspense hung in the air. At least for me. After all, it was the final four, and we had basically three capable people and, well, Felisha. The odds were that Randal and Rebecca would surely dominate Alla and Felisha (or A&F, as I like to call them. I'm a big Abercrombie & Fitch acronym punster), but seeing that this is The Apprentice, you never really know which team will ever win any given task. Let's not forget when a quadruple firing turned the Excel dream team into the Excel reamed team. So would such a surprise happen again? Would Randal and Rebecca inexplicably falter, letting sweet but weak Felisha sneak into the final three?

The end is almost near for this wonderful season of The Apprentice, and I'm truly intrigued to see the outcome. Rebecca and Randal are two of the most competent finalists ever for this show and probably the best matchup since Kwame and Bill. Going into Thursday's episode though, I couldn't shake the nagging feeling that as bright and sharp as Rebecca is, it'll be hard for her to stop the Randal juggernaut. After all, every Apprentice showdown always seems to have a natural favorite. On season one, as much as I loved Kwame, it was fairly clear that Bill would win. On season two, while I enjoyed Jen Massey's hard edge and determination, Kelly was the obvious choice. And on season three, it was hard to deny Tana's midwestern spunk, but we all knew it was Kendra's game to lose.

With the final Boardroom looming, it seemed as though Randal would be an unflappable leader to the end, but after having seen Thursday's episode, I'm not so sure anymore. I must say that Rebecca looks to be the favorite now, and for once, I truly have no idea what will happen. It's a shame that this season of The Apprentice has received such flack from the media because it really has been one of best ever.

Don't you just love a good water cooler moment? That feeling you get knowing that what you just saw on television is what people will be arguing and discussing at work all day long? Well, that's how I felt watching last night's Apprentice finale, which featured not necessarily a surprise twist, but a surprise something that I won't really divulge now in this opening paragraph, lest some casual TVgasm viewers still haven't heard or seen what happened. Nevertheless, the dependably bloated two-hour episode ended with the sort of "Whaaa?" moment that surely will have reality fans buzzing for quite some time. Or at least a day.

Surprise! New season of The Apprentice! I guess this wasn't much of a surprise for people who watched the Olympics, which I did, but still, there was a remarkable lack of buzz heading into this season premiere. I'm sure the new time slot on Mondays didn't help matters much either. I hope that the ratings don't take too much of a hit because quite frankly, this premiere rocked. Wait, let me put more emphasis on that. It ROCKED! Of course, I'm a 'uge Apprentice fan and have rarely ever poo-pooed an episode. That's because I firmly believe the show follows a great formula that's only heightened by Trump's excellent command of the Boardroom. And let's face it, that's where all the fun stuff is.

Truthfully, this premiere episode didn't start out as anything necessarily better than any other Apprentice premiere -- that is, until we moved into that hallowed Boardroom and all sorts of silly accusations flew. This was a fantastic showdown, replete with an angry George, a pissed of Carolyn, and a fuming Trump. And that's really all I need. If this Boardroom was a sign of things to come, all I have to say is that Mondays might be my new favorite night of TV (24, Prison Break, Gauntlet 2, among others).

There are many traditions that have become part of the American experience: barbecues on the Fourth, football on Thanksgiving, and wassailing to merry mirth at Christmastime. Monday night, we got to enjoy another one of these hallowed pastimes: the great American witch hunt on The Apprentice. Yes, the claws came out as Team Synergy -- I'm sorry, the Synergy Corporation -- as the bumbling pretty people all but accused portly Brent of slaughtering twelve babies and housing Osama Bin Laden. It's all par for the course, especially this early on in the season when people are looking for any excuse to excise their competition (if Brent can be called that). Let's not forget what happened with Stacy J. and her infamous Magic Eight Ball misstep. Granted, Stacy's behavior was terribly frightening. The way she mildly raised her voice was pure evil incarnate. I actually feared for my own safety, and I wasn't even there. Thank goodness her team survived the ordeal. But would Synergy be as lucky??

Once again, I feel compelled to start my Apprentice recap by asking all the wonderful TV viewers out there "Why aren't you watching this?" If your TV's already set on 24, then I understand. But if you're capable of watching one show live and taping/Tivoing another, you really owe it to yourself to check in on The Donald & Co. This season has been pure enjoyment so far, and last night's episode, with it's ridiculous levels of bickering and blaming, was wonderful. The Boardroom was a complete, divine mess -- with fingers pointing left and right, and as always, the season's two stars, Lenny and Brent, shone brightly. Well, Lenny more than Brent (he was busy noshing on towers of bagels and such). Seriously people. I know most of you are sick of Trump and his constant boasting, but this is great reality TV! Don't let it die on us!!

So NBC hyped up this week's edition of The Apprentice as the one where Brent loses it. I mean, LOSES it. You know, goes completely and utterly berserk. I could not have been more excited. However, after watching the show, I had to register general disappointment. That wasn't a breakdown. That was a tiff. An angry spat. Raised voices, some pointed remarks, and overuse of the word "stink" and that pretty much sums up this week's Brent attack. C'mon NBC. When you say blow-up, we expect big things. We're smart viewers. We've been around this reality gambit for a few years. We've seen chairs thrown, arms flailing, saliva projected. You can't hype up this sort of stuff and not deliver. It's this sort of phony marketing that's causing Apprentice viewers to flee in droves. Then again, I can't complain about being too savvy and then fall for stupid marketing ploys time and time again (let's not even talk about the last Survivor).

If you’re morbidly obese like me and sg-dub, you’re always on the lookout for new ways to drop some excess pounds. For years I have wished that I could be able to do something other than blogging, playing video games and peeing in a jar. Now, thanks to the wonders of reality TV, I can.

I am of course talking about the revolutionary diet plan from Apprentice’s own Brent Buckman. Now he is doing to weight loss what he has done to sweating and hair plug bangs. Brought them to a whole new level.

Brent only briefly mentioned the secret to his appearance on the very first episode, and it was hinted at throughout the season through his giant tower O’ bagels . Now he has revealed his secret to the world. Through Brent's fantastic 4 bagel diet plan even you can go from 420 pounds down to 300 pounds, but more importantly maintain that 300 pounds. The reason is simple. Eat 4 bagels a day, supplemented on weekends with endless amounts of, and I am quoting him directly here “chicken fingers and cheese fries, pizza, ice cream sundae, cake, etc”

Brilliant!

Don’t believe me? Check out his website yourself and see the dramatic photos. Proof that you can go from being “scary muumuu wearing fat” to “slightly less scary sweaty Big and Tall fat" in just one year!

Soon I will have something resembling a normal life again. And it’s all thanks to Brent Buckman. You sir, are hired!

How does he do it? Now we know!

The fifth season of The Apprentice continues to bloom like a wonderful, fragrant flower (with bad hair), and on Monday's show, we were treated to another hilarious squabble-fest in the Boardroom. We knew we were in for good times when we found out that this week's challenge involved producing a commercial -- a task that has engendered some of the silliest moments in Apprentice history. While most people remember Erin's sultry cucumber stroking or Kristen's jizz-covered jogger from season three, my favorite homemade commercial came from Randal and Rebecca. Overacting has never been so enjoyable ("Gosh, I hate waiting for these large files!!"). So what better way to improve on a classic mission than to impose a strict time limit and set it out to sea? That's right. The wannabe Trumps had three hours to shoot a commercial on a cruiseliner. Did somebody say chaos?

NBC has been loathe to promote this, but tonight's Deal or No Deal is two hours long, which means that our dear, lovable Apprentice will be airing at 10 PM. No word on whether or not this is a permanent change, but chances are the network brass wanted to move its ailing (yet still totally worth watching) reality show away from the double-headed monster that is 24 and the NCAA Championship Game. So take note, fellow Trump fans. Apprentice is an hour later tonight (two hours, if you forgot to set your clock forward this weekend, jerk).

I was a little concerned about last night's Apprentice. The teams seemed to be acting just a tad too polite. There was no infighting, no bickering, no backstabbing. It seemed like everyone was being -- dare I say it -- professional. What a shame, too. This week's big task had these non-creative stiffs penning a jingle for Arby's -- surely ground zero for some sort of meltdown or drama. But no, it was smooth sailing all the way. That is, until the last ten minutes of the show. What had been a rather ordinary Boardroom suddenly turned into a ridiculous and tense spectacle as one person went down in flames. No, that's putting it lightly. More like this person went down in a mushroom cloud. It was a total disaster... and it was awesome.

As bloggers, people expect us to be staunchly against anything commercial and manipulative. Well, I have news for you: we aren't. In fact, we're easily swayed by marketing ploys. That's why a few days ago we trekked out to Arby's for lunch. And honestly, who could resist such a fine establishment after those ever-so-catchy jingles we heard? Anyway, enclosed is a little photo-essay of our Apprentice-inspired trip to Arby's. It was magnificent.

What's more fun than an episode of The Apprentice? How about two episodes of the Apprentice. Yes, NBC gave us a double dose of Donald last night, which meant I was stuck in front of the TV for a whopping five (sigh) hours -- Prison Break, 24, two hours of The Apprentice, and Sunday's Sopranos. It was quite the TVgasm. So much so that my brain pretty much exploded by the end of the night, and the only mental concepts I was able to string together were basic sentences like "Pretty cat" and "Nice horsey." Why I was talking about random animals is beyond me. Point is that I've now gotten a replenishing five and a half hours of sleep, and with any luck, my mental acuity has returned. Nevertheless, in an effort not to overtax my brain, I've decided to parse last night's Apprentice mini marathon into two different posts. It'll probably better for both you and me. This way you won't have to spent 45 minutes reading a super-sized recap, and I'll be able to preserve my sanity. If I push myself too hard, I'll just be stuck writing a dumb post about clouds and the color orange. Hey, that might not be too bad.

When it comes to savory product placements, The Apprentice has had its share of duds. A certain cheeseburger pizza comes to mind. Well, just when the bile had finally settled back down after that Domino's disaster, along came 7-Eleven with its take on how to destroy that most beloved of meals: pizza. Ladies and gentlemen: meet the P'Eatzza -- a sandwich made from, you guessed it, pizza! Now, a normal 7-Eleven sandwich is bad enough on its own, but housed between two nasty slices of old pizza? It's just a gastro-intestinal disaster waiting to happen. Not even the can-do attitude of aspiring corporate wannabes could make this sandwich look appealing -- and you know me; I'm a total sucker for Apprentice product placement. I know Arby's. Arby's is a friend of mine. And you, P'Eatzza, are no Arby's.

Oh joyful day. Not only was The Apprentice back this week, but we had a full family reunion as The Donald recruited his loyal spawn, Ivanka and Donald Jr. to help decide the fate of one unlucky candidate. I must admit, Ivanka's waxen visage has grown on me as she's proven herself to be fairly articulate and somewhat vicious. Donald Jr. -- well, he still needs some work. It's encouraging to see that his hair is no better than his father's, but chances are we'd probably like him a bit more if he took a few diction classes from time to time and maybe even saw an orthodontist. Nevertheless, having the whole fam around made for fun times, but we must always remember one thing: no one, absolutely no one, can replace George and Carolyn.

Another Monday, another hilarious episode of The Apprentice. Seriously, this show is funnier than most sitcoms on TV these days. Then again, a dandelion growing in a field has more comic potential than any given episode of According to Jim, but that's aside the point. What I'm trying to say is that I don't care that The Apprentice is more about product placement than employee fortitude. It's a damn funny show! And so concludes my weekly appeal that viewers keep watching this series. Trust me, people. It's worth it.

Rumors are swirling! The Mercury News (via Reality Blurred) reports that one of the best comedies on TV, The Apprentice, might be canceled after the current season wraps up in May. Even though casting is underway for a sixth season to be shot in Los Angeles, sliding ratings might send The Donald down to the street instead of up to the suite. Granted, I'm sure the show won't be cancelled. It's more like The Donald will probably be suddenly "too busy" to do it anymore. Still, I implore all readers to save this series. It's hilarious! Don't let it sink in the quagmire of programming that is NBC.

Gimme an H! Gimme an A! Gimme an H! Gimme a... oh, never mind. It'll take too long to write out "Hahahahha! SUCKERS!" in cheerleader-ese. Yes, some team got a royal spanking on a very special Back To School Apprentice last night, and it was awesome. But by far the most entertaining aspect of the entire show was how a couple of cheerleaders decided the fate of one unlucky soul. We haven't seen this sort of pom-pom controversy since Torrance Shipman took on Big Red. Oh, it's already been broughten.

It was down to the final five on last night's Apprentice, and even though ratings have been declining (sniff sniff), the corporate sponsors have been growing. This week, we had two heavy hitters jockeying for space on the same show: Microsoft and Wal-Mart. To say this episode was 'uge, would be an understatement. Trump even threw the "trillion" word around. Now, I know what you're thinking -- too much product placement -- but before you start to roll your eyes, think to yourself: are you rolling your eyes? Or are you raising your eyebrows. As this episode proved, there's a BIG DIFFERENCE.

Thanks to fellow blogger Andy Dehnart at Reality Blurred, I got a heads up Wednesday night about a party being thrown by recently-fired candidate Tammy Trenta from The Apprentice 5. The big bash was not to celebrate her stunning failure as Project Manager, but instead, it was to promote Tammy's new line of high-end laptop bags. Yes, random, I know. Anyway, since Tammy was throwing this party just a few doorsteps down from my apartment, I had to check it out. The full adventure after the jump...

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We've had the song-writing episode. We've had the filmmaking episode. We've even had the real estate makeover episode. But one thing we hadn't had this season on The Apprentice was the always enjoyable fashion episode. Well, fear not. Just when you thought this season might pass without a casual nod to Project Runway, the producers pulled out a sartorial mission that would have had Diana Eng running to the magnet store. Yes, the teams had to design uniforms for the employees of Embassy Suites, and not only that, they had to stage a fashion show too. I could not have been more excited. There's nothing quite as wonderful as watching buttoned-up, corporate types attempting creativity. On the downside, Carolyn and George were replaced once again by Ivanka and Donald Jr. But on the upside, I discovered that suddenly I LOVE IVANKA AND DONALD JR.! Talk about a twist!

Wow. Talk about a disturbing cliffhanger. We've seen our fair share of final challenge cliffhangers on The Apprentice -- bailing celebrities, inclement weather, more bailing celebrities -- but last night's twist was completely unexpected. In fact, I'd say it was totally random. And gross. And scary. I almost felt like I was watching the first five minutes of House. It was such a strange turn of events that I nearly forgot about Lee's head-scratching personnel picks for his final team. Basically, everything was kind of weird and nutty on this penultimate episode. Even the placement of the show itself -- Memorial Day, four days after the normal television season had ended -- seemed oddly distracting. I mean, all the other reality shows have long since wrapped up, and here we are, still plugging away with The Apprentice. The show's like a fifth year senior. Or that really lame guy who stays at the party entirely too long. That's not to say that I want this wonderful season to end. It's just that after American Idol wraps up, all other finales feel a bit... anticlimactic. Especially when the remaining contestants (cough, Lee, cough, Sean) are on the (very) lame side.

Consider this wish fulfilled. More later.

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So Monday was the big night! The Apprentice finale. I was quite excited. Not super excited, however. I don't know what it is. I love The Apprentice, and yet, every season, NBC manages to bungle the finale -- making it a ponderous, awkward affair. I think it all started with season two during that dreadful, endless finale at Carnegie Hall. What should have been a fun celebration of a season's worth of bickering turned into a lame (and boring) survey of what random people in the audience thought about the contestants. It was so bad that a) I think the show managed to lose almost all of its buzz in that single night, and b) it meant that future finale shows would be pared down and completely lacking a reunion. I don't know why Mark Burnett has never followed his simple yet flawless Survivor model when it comes to the Apprentice finale, but I went into Monday's show hoping he'd maybe buck the trend. Not so much. Truth was that I actually really enjoyed the first hour of tonight's episode, but the Boardroom -- the most reliable cornerstone of any Apprentice edition -- was severely lacking. By the time The Donald called out the winner, I had already checked out halfway. On the upside, we got plenty of Lenny, and Trump was out of control with his yelling. Hmmm... so what am I complaining about?

This past Sunday, just when I thought I'd be gearing up for a relaxing night on the couch, I suddenly received a text message. It came from one Michael Tarshi -- famed reject from The Apprentice season three. He alerted me that he and many other Apprentice alums would be partying it up in Hollywood that night in advance of Monday's grand finale. Well, what else to do but slap on a nice shirt, tell J-Unit, and load up the camera. Unfortunately, by the time we arrived at the bar, things were wrapping up; so we didn't really get too many photos, but I did get my shot with Carolyn, and that was good enough for me. Still, a few pics after the jump.

I was out last night in Hollywood at the Andrea Bocelli concert at the Hollywood Bowl. Because he was on American Idol this last season, I assume he invited Katherine McPhee up to sing with him. That, in itself, was not that memorable.[ed note: reader SH has good taste] What was a true tvgasm was when none other than Donald Trump came out to present Mr. Bocelli with a platinum album. 2 reality TV stars in a crossover for the price of 1!

Two Trump posts in a row? Today must be a special day. In fact, it is! On this day in 1946, one Donald Trump was born. Shockingly, he uttered his first words right there in the hospital room: "Leaving my mother's womb is a THIRTY BILLION DOLLAR INDUSTRY!" He has since gone on to boast that his umbilical cord was so 'uge and luxurious that he has now patented his own brand, Trump Umbilical.

No word on what the big guy is doing today to celebrate, but I'm sure that Melania and Ivanka have some extravagant gala planned -- probably involving some sort of life-sized ice sculpture and a string quartet. Hey, as long as there's a cookie tray for George, I'll be happy. Happy Birthday Donald!

The Ice Queen Cometh... and Goeth. In a shocking development for fans of The Apprentice, Donald Trump has axed his blonde heartbreaker of an advisor, Carolyn Kepcher. According to the New York Post, Carolyn had become quite the prima donna, taking her newfound fame entirely too seriously. No word on how this will affect the next season of The Apprentice. Chances are we'll see more of Ivanka than ever before, but as much as this Trump spawn has proven to be surprisingly awesome, she can never fill the void left by Carolyn. Nevertheless, Apprentice fans are allegedly reacting to the news by cradling their heads in their hands, crying, and eventually finding a dark corner to curl up and rock back and forth in.

For the full story, click here.

Congratulations to Donald Trump, who won the Manhattan Golf Classic (with the considerable help of his partner, Tom Watson, who just happens to be the five-time British Open champion). No word on whether or not Melania was regally observing the event, but we imagine that after her scowl-fest during game seven of the National League Championship series, she's probably sworn off sporting events, instead opting to remain at home, tending to young Baron with her usual barrage of distant smiles and Continental beauty.

Anyway, Watson said of his partner, "Donald played very well... He hit three 5-woods that he just smoked. He had it under control today." No surprise here. After all, having it under control today IS A THIRTY BILLION DOLLAR INDUSTRY!

In other news, Carolyn Kepcher just finished a rousing game of miniature golf at the Red Rooster in Brewster, NY.

For more on Donald's latest victory, click here. And for more on the Red Rooster, click here!

The Apprentice: LA premieres on Sunday, and we couldn't be more excited. It's been over six months since we saw Donald Trump berate, belittle, and destroy a person that wasn't Rosie O'Donnell, and frankly, that's entirely too long for us to wait. Nevertheless, The Donald is back with Ivanka in tow. We can't say we're happy with the disappearance of Carolyn and George, and the whole tents twist seems a bit, uh, forced and dumb, but hey, as long as Trump continues to do what he does best (ie. bellowing questionable facts very loudly), then we'll be content.

In an effort to get everyone excited for The Apprentice (and of course, our coverage here), we've decided to compile our favorite Apprentice screencaps. Enjoy.

It's finally here! More exciting than Christmas and my birthday and maybe even a dick in a box all put together, it's the season premiere of The Apprentice!! Too long have I suffered without the dulcet tones of The Donald, the harsh gaze of the Ivanka, the soft yet dignity-obliterating lighting of the boardroom, and the knowledge of exact financial figures and profits of various American industries.

We start the night off right with a hilarious limo drive through the rainy streets of New York, clearly a desperate ploy to win the audience over to sunny skies and a break from the ever-haunting steam-rising-from-the-sewer shots. The Donald is on the phone with plastic wife Milania, who coos robotically while little Barron giggles in the background. Trump chuckles heartily, clearly very pleased with himself at having procreated.

By Jordan

Before watching this week's episode of The Apprentice, I made sure to check out NBC's website because I had read that every wannabe apprentice is labeled with a one word description.  Instead of legitimate descriptions (The Idiot, The Kiss-Ass, The Guy With Half a Brain) we get things like "The Philosopher," "The Believer," and…"The Hair?"  What the hell is that supposed to mean?  Maybe we'll find out this week… 

Anyway, last week on The Apprentice we met 18 new Type A's and Heidi led her team (now named Kinetic – did I miss something?) to victory.  And at the end of the day, Martin, The Philosopher, reminded us of the old adage, "If you dress like a picnic table, you will be fired."  Was that Plato?  Socrates?  I'm not really sure.

This week's episode of The Apprentice left an odd taste in my mouth. I can't quite put my finger on why, since there were many gems bestowed upon us by both The Donald and his legion of squabbling minions. But as it ended I just felt a little emptier inside. Like Rosie O'Donnell without a Chinaman to insult.

That's not to say it wasn't absolutely hilarious. The evening started off with a bang thanks to an impromptu Comedy Hour over at Team Arrow. (Is anyone else really pissed about not getting to see the ridiculous team-naming ceremony? I always loved that, watching these idiots shout out what they believe to be strong names, crap like "Endure!" and "Gibralter!" and "Bowflex!") Frank, James, Tim, and Aaron are stupidly giggling over what will happen if "Johnny" returns from the boardroom. You see, Frank explains, Johnny is the name that they gave Michelle, because "she's an annoying person." Huh? Wtf? He continues, "Johnny-come-lately, that annoying, non-productive girl." Ah. Thanks Frank! All clear now!

Since its inception several years ago, The Apprentice has been notable for its clever (or not so clever) editing.  We usually within 15 minutes which team is going to win, and also who is most likely to get fired.  As if that was bad enough, this week gave us a new treat – previews told us to expect the first ever "Apprentice Romance," and showed two indistinguishable people snuggling/kissing poolside.  Yet nothing ever happened!  I realize that so far this is turning out to be the worst season to date, but the least the editors/producers could do is follow-through on their promises of an Apprentice showmance.  For shame.

Some of you may have been confused this past Sunday as to whether you were watching The Apprentice or Fear Factor. Here's how to spot the difference: Fear Factor is a show full of people with little or no common sense, whereas The Apprentice is a show full of MBAs with little or no common sense. It's tricky, but you'll get the hang of it.

This week's trainwreck featured...a horde of killer bees! Sadly, they did not turn into giant man-eating killer bees hellbent on the destruction of downtown L.A., but we'll take what we can get. Papa Bauer can handle the rest.

Due to a DVR mishap, I watched this week's episode of The Apprentice over at NBC.com. Every episode has a one sentence description, and somewhere along the line someone got really, really lazy. Last week's one sentence description was "Romance blooms sweet like the honey harvest challenge." This week's? "Romance blossoms during a travel website challenge!" That second one isn't even clever. What about, "Romance takes a honeymoon when the teams compete in a travel challenge," or "Romance is...hey wait a second, isn't this The Apprentice?"

Seriously, does anyone even care about this "romance" between Tim and Nicole? And when did the Apprentice turn into The Bachelor anyway? For three goddamn weeks they've been pumping up this supposed "romance," further proving that this show has lost a lot of what made it good in the first place.

Anyway, last week Aaron was fired despite trying to throw Surya under the bus in the boardroom after their failed honey challenge.

So after a week off because of some big awards show, The Apprentice is back this week. And better than ever, I would argue. Special guest stars, surprise firings, and an appearance by Squidward! What more could we ask for? If only there were a rap song encapsulating the whole experience...

We begin this week with a replay of Aimee getting fired and mouthing off to her teammates as she got in the limo. Hey do you smell that? Smells like SOUR GRAPES. Team Kinetic is ecstatic to see Derek and Jenn returning without Aimee, since, as Derek so delicately puts it, she was a piece of "riff-raff". Being a fan of that word myself, I immediately give some extra points to Derek. Plus, he does a very dramatic reenactment of Aimee's departure, complete with glamor shots. Love it. Jenn informs her team that she is willing to step up and lead the team to victory. Derek informs us, via voiceover, that since Jenn is the last piece of riff-raff that he'd like to see gone, he's pretty happy about this development. Regardless of how she performs in the task, he's going to be gunning for her. More points for Derek, for the usage of spite as a tactic.

Previously on the Apprentice, Derek got his white trash self fired, and Jenn was also shown the door for being a bad Project Manager.

Back in Tent City, the four remaining members of Kinetic discuss the fact that they need to get a win. This black and white tent-o-vision is really starting to remind me of the Blair Witch Project, minus the shaky-cam. All we need is some really awful dialogue and complaints about walking around in circles and we're there.

I'm still not exactly sure what happened with this week's episode of The Apprentice, but I do know that I only fully understood about 64% of it. Too many foreigners dancing around and not enough Snoop Dogg. On the other hand, it was a commercial/video challenge, which I always relish because of the ample opportunity for total and explosive failure. Let's not forget the Dove Body Wash Massacre of '05. Oh, the carnage.

So let's jump in, shall we? Over in Tent City, Arrow is awaiting the return of their less fortunate teammates. Nicole has some helpful advice: "Tomorrow we need to think about winning." If only she had said that last week, they wouldn't be in this position right now! The men return and there is much mirth and merriment at the demise of Surya. James insists that he was fighting for his LIFE, which makes me wonder what would happen if James actually had to fight for his life, instead of just whining his way onto another week of a reality show. Like if James were attacked by a legion of angry bears, he'd probably just start throwing folding chairs at them and screaming random business terms like "Synergy! Brand management! Global corporate worldview of crossdimensional strategic optimization!" And then the bears would eat him.

Dare I say it, I think this was possibly the best episode of the Apprentice so far this season. This isn't to say it was great, as so far this has easily been the absolute worst season of the Apprentice to date. I think it's become pretty clear that this show has hit rock bottom, and this will probably be the last installment of the show. Besides, what's Trump doing with all of his previous apprentices anyway? My guess is that by now, Bill is doing Trump's laundry, Randal spends most of his time hanging out with Spongebob, Sean is making tea, and apparently Kendra and Kelly died years ago. Seriously, what the hell happened to them?

Anyway, this week's episode actually kind of reminded me of what this show used to be like, at least if I was completely able to ignore Tim and Nicole's relationship, the concept of Tent City, and a current cast member sitting in on the boardroom instead of George and Caroline. Okay, so this was nothing like an old episode, but it was still pretty good by this season's standards.

Anyway, last week Muna got the boot, and I cried for hours.

Anyone catch the awesome clip of Trump slapping around Vince McMahon? Since it all has to do with wrestling I have no idea whether it's real or fake, but it's still hilarious to watch. YouTube it! Oh fine, I'll do it for you. And also, luckily for us, Trump's guy won in the ring, so The Donald did not have to shave off his trademark coif. That was a close call. Also, The Apprentice happened.

The girls return from the boardroom and try to con Tim into thinking that Nicole got fired. Oh, but she was just hiding in the bushes! Nicole, you lovable scamp! They tell Tim that Trump was really down on him, prompting Tim to call him a bastard. Because that's surely the way to win a job, call the boss a bastard. Then again, this is Trump, so he might like that sort of thing. Heidi complains that they're all acting like they're in high school, and honestly is she really surprised about that? Has she ever SEEN this show?

Well this week's episode of the Apprentice taught us something that I think we all figured out two months ago: this year's candidates completely suck. Gone are the days of people who seemed marginally competent and halfway intelligent. We've officially hit the bottom of the barrel. If any of these candidates get put in charge of putting up a building for Trump in the next few years, I'll be surprised if it's made out of steel and not toothpicks and glue.

Anyway, last week's boardroom featured Tim finally getting the axe, due largely in part to his bizarre and inexplicable infatuation with Nicole, who becomes more and more detestable every week.

I'm not gonna lie to you, kids. I'm not happy with the final challenge for this season of The Apprentice. Back in the days of yore, the feisty contestants had to manage an Event. These Events have included concerts, sports events, charity functions, and other such Big Deals. There were always so many balls up in the air, and so much at stake. They had to please not only The Donald, but also the event coordinators, the sponsors, the talent, the entertainment, and the charity representatives. There were so many opportunities for failure, and failure always abounded. So imagine my disappointment this year when it was revealed that the final challenge is to film a stupid little commercial for an air freshener. Are you kidding me with this shit?

The candidates return to the mansion with all sorts of relieved sighs and congratulations to each other. Stefani notes that they're all Arrow, which, if you had told me a few weeks ago that the final four would be comprised of all Arrow team members, I would have spit in your face and stolen your wallet. James screams some more in his interview about how meaningful this whole thing is. So along with Frank and Nicole, the final four contains the triple threat of horrendously annoying voices. Fantastic.

Well, this is it, the season (series?) finale of The Apprentice. It's been a real test of patience, will, and determination to make it all the way to the end. For us that is.

Seriously, is this show done forever? Without question, this has been the worst season to date. Was it the crappy tasks? The shitty rewards? The completely mediocre candidates? The missing George? The predictable boardrooms? The tents? The Hair? Frank? A mixture of all of the above? In any case, we're LIVE at the Hollywood Bowl, where I'm assuming they've paid a LOT of people to show up to pretend like they give a shit about who wins this year. They're all chanting "Trump! Trump!" but it sounds more like "Chug! Chug!" which is exactly what I'm doing to help myself enjoy this finale. Did I mention I was drinking gasoline?

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Thought the holidays were over, did you? Wrong! You've obviously overlooked a festering little turd left in your stocking. It's Celebrity Apprentice!

I know, we all thought this tired show was done after the disaster that was last season, but it looks like Trump and the gang have been revived and stuffed back into suits to yet again yell corporate clichés at hapless losers for countless hours on end. And this time, we're joined by a gaggle of what's-her-names, when-did-he-get-out-of-prisons, and I-thought-she-was-deads. Join us, won't you?