It's only been about ten days since Maria scowled her way off The Apprentice and already I'm missing her. My life was once complete and logical, but I now find myself asking questions: Where can I find quality high-speed blinking in primetime? Where can I see the latest in leviathan brooch fashion? And who will be my paragon for the academic prowess that is a minor in home economics with a concentration in communications? Luckily, my discomfort was only short lived. With doubts and worries in my head, I set out on a cyber odyssey to find some sort of Maria-ish fulfillment, and much to my pleasure, I found it quite easily. Yes, all the answers to my questions were quaintly available at MariaBoren.com, the pink turd of a website that serves as the de facto shrine to all things Maria. And conveniently, it's brought to us by... Maria! Let's take a look...
Maria has never been known for subtlety, and this remains true for her site which screams "I AM FEMININE AND LOVELY!" with the severity of a football coach for the Nazis. Sorry, had to throw in a Nazi reference. The truth is that even the most seasoned Maria observers will most likely be taken aback by her grinning visage on the main page. It's an awkward image that seems to say both "Why yes, I DO have my resumé" and "Welcome to Bloomingdales!" all at the same time. Maria presides happily over her site, even while a ghoulish monster plant grows on her sternum. Okay, maybe it's not growing per se, but as usual, Maria sports an oversized brooch which appears to be the unholy lovechild of a rosebush and some cabbage.
As the initial shock of the site ebbs away, we slowly come to realize that this corner of cyber space might be nothing more than a shabby application for Lifetime's Intimate Portrait. I mean, when the navigational options are "About Maria", "About Experience", and "About Dreams", we know we're not looking at a Business School portfolio. And while most professional women try to embrace some semblance of looking like, uh, a professional woman, Maria opts to show off a frilly, pink, droopy tutu of sorts. Seriously, she loves this dress. She loves it so much that she even made it her site's wallpaper. Last time I checked, Donald Trump wasn't using a closeup of his slacks for his site's background. Of course, no site could ever be complete without a tagline. Maria's whimsical offering? "Not just an apprentice." That's right. Maria's a FIRED apprentice. Big difference guys.
Anyhoo, the Maria tour must go on; so let's mosey on over to About MARIA. This page brings new sources for mockery. Ever the designer chameleon, Maria now stares us down with a look that seems to say "Hi, I'm a tough business woman, as evidenced by my look which says 'Hi, I'm a tough business woman.'" Buttoned up in a no-nonsense robin's egg suit, Maria looks like she might just strangle herself with a string of pearls, which would be unfortunate because very few people can rock the little boy haircut the way she can. I suppose there's some sort of Boren sybolism going on there. The pearls are like the male chauvinist corporate world, and Maria is caught in the middle, ready to liberate herself with a triumphant battlecry of "GIVE ME SEXY OR GIVE ME DEATH!" Or maybe she just thought the pearls were really pretty.
A blurb to the right describes the journey of Maria:
Maria, like most Americans, is a product of her environment. Having grown up with a driven, full-time working mother that completed her Masters Degree in a city 30 miles from where the family lived with two children under the age of 5 and a father that commuted to the next city for work, Maria & her brother learned what it meant to have a strong work ethic at a very young age.
One thing Maria apparently didn't learn at a very young age: SHORT SENTENCES.
Sigh.
Apparently Maria has taken it upon herself to impart wonderful words of wisdom as to how she got so far in life (ie. fired from a reality show). Her first lesson: One's business life should be about balance. Um, okay. And apparently one's business life should also be about vague notions as well. Maria's second piece of advice is that one's business life should be about "freaking yourself out." So in Maria's case, that would mean sitting on her designer suit for more than ten seconds.
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Comments (14)
"Of course, no site could ever be complete without a tagline. Maria's whimsical offering? "Not just an apprentice." That's right. Maria's a FIRED apprentice. Big difference guys."
Oh, the laughter! My neighbors insist you stop writing these so they can get some sleep at night.
1 of 14 | Posted by Lady J | Posted on November 30, 2004 9:13 PM
thanks b-side for coming through, i've been waiting all weekend for this with bated breath. Also thanks to maria for answering with her website the question that I've been turning over in my mind since the nineties: what is this thing people call the internet good for? now I know. After visiting the site, my judgment of maria based on the apprentice was basically confirmed: she is a pretty woman's picture but alas who can converse with a dumb show? Oh wait, apparently anyone, since Maria reminds us on her website that she is available for seminars and lectures. I would personally front the money to have Maria lecture my bosses on her various fortes. After all, we all know that the main things that hinder today's bussinessmen are an inability to sew, cook, iron, and bake cookies.
2 of 14 | Posted by animadvert | Posted on November 30, 2004 10:49 PM
I'm surprised you left out the part on the contact page with information for autographed photos.
Yes, I debated getting one.
Why are you looking at me like that? Stop it. STOP IT!
3 of 14 | Posted by Papercuts! | Posted on December 1, 2004 5:54 AM
What? No mockery of Maria's resume? I thought for sure you'd get in at least one crack at her Regent Business College degree (do they teach home ec?).
still hoping this is just an appetizer for the frau maria video i've been getting all hot and bothered for.
4 of 14 | Posted by jack | Posted on December 1, 2004 7:36 AM
Am I the only one who thinks of that chick from Northern Exposure whenever I see frau Maria.
"Where can I find quality high-speed blinking in primetime?" Too classic :-)
5 of 14 | Posted by Jay | Posted on December 1, 2004 8:29 AM
I think those are actually beads rather than pearls in the one pic as they seem to match the Robin's Egg color of the suit a little too closely. either way it's quite a hypnotic and unsettling image...
6 of 14 | Posted by Ananda Fan | Posted on December 1, 2004 10:51 AM
Okay, so I couldn't resist. I emailed Maria via the contact page and told her she absolutely HAD to come to tvgasm.com and see the tribute to all things Maria.
7 of 14 | Posted by eyeroller | Posted on December 1, 2004 11:15 AM
I'm confused, her "experience" starts in 2000? I can't figure out the age of Frau Maria. Anyone?
8 of 14 | Posted by smithie | Posted on December 1, 2004 4:42 PM
i'm quite pleased to see that maria subtly acknowledges her robot heritage, as in her descriptions of her "mother that completed her master's degree" and her "father that commuted to the next city." a human discussing family members would likely make use of more humanoid pronouns, such as "who." fortunately, maria, keenly aware that use of the "who" algorithm would signal a dishonest attempt to claim carbon-basedness, chooses not to implement it.
i just wish her glamour shots had captions. can you imagine? "BEHOLD MY FEMININITY, HU-MAN."
9 of 14 | Posted by m_ruv | Posted on December 1, 2004 8:43 PM
out of the entire website, the point that irks me most is when she talks about "la familia" specifically:
"Having grown up with a driven, full-time working mother that completed her Masters Degree in a city 30 miles from where the family lived with two children under the age of 5 and a father that commuted to the next city for work"
ok, call me sane, but THIRTY MILES? give me a fucking break. hey maria--in the business world we call that COMMUTING, and sometimes for business we have to take an AERO-PLANE far far away.
and her dad going to the next city? please, its not like he went to europe.
10 of 14 | Posted by jash | Posted on December 2, 2004 10:18 AM
I picked this up from a link in USATODAY. I have never watched the Apprentice, but I love looking at web sites - good, bad or indifferent. This web site and your review of it has kept me in hysterics for a week now.
Reality shows give all its contestants the idea that they will all get their fifteen minutes of fame and maybe a lot more. What they get is a big dose of humiliation based on their own pitiful delusions.
It seems Maria's delusion continues.
11 of 14 | Posted by Jacki | Posted on December 6, 2004 6:30 PM
I went to school with Maria at North Florida Christian School in Tallahassee, FL. She is 32 years old. We graduated in 1990. She was nothing like this at all in high school. . . very quiet, very subdued. I don't know what in the world happened to her. However, she always did wear some funky stuff. I have been appalled at her actions and personality on the show though. . .I can just imagine how her parents feel.
12 of 14 | Posted by newbee | Posted on December 7, 2004 6:18 AM
love the review.
13 of 14 | Posted by Maria Boren | Posted on December 7, 2004 5:46 PM
^^^ AH HA SHE ACTUALLY READ IT
14 of 14 | Posted by born konfused | Posted on December 12, 2004 12:06 PM