
Memo to NBC: Never ever EVER do that again.
After weeks and weeks of entertaining, campy, and often exciting episodes of The Apprentice, NBC did what it does best: killed it. Yes, the network supersized, inflated, bloated, expanded, and stretched out what should have been a tight, intense finale into a hollow, boring three hour marathon full of such stall-worthy moments as a musical interlude from The O.J.'s and a cameo appearance by Sugar Ray Leonard to tout his DOA reality offering, "The Contender". It was a less than thrilling attempt by Jeff Zucker & Co. to fill out the Must Not See TV slate currently occupied by laugh-free sitcoms Joey and Will & Grace, and to that end, I suppose this puffed up version of The Apprentice did offer more entertainment than those sitcoms. But still, I feel like I've emerged about five years older, and I'm not sure, but I think I have a lovely collection of bed sores to boot.
Anyway, let's rev up the time machine and head back a few presidential elections ago to when this finale started off. (For those of you unfamiliar with sarcasm, fear not. You did not in fact miss any elections.)
Our trip back in time started off with, well, a trip back in time. As is the case with most reality finales, we endured through a delightful "Here's what you missed while you were watching CSI, jackasses" montage of the season. I alternately zoned out and reminisced during this time, but at about the ten minute mark, I was ready to stuff a sock into Trump's mouth and shout "Stop yelling at me! I'm sensitive!" When the montage was over, we returned to last week's cliffhanger which featured Jenn dealing with Chris Webber (yes, the guy who was super popular... kind of... nine years ago) who had bailed last minute on her event. There really wasn't much that Jenn could do beyond informing his assistant that he had bailed and he would have to live with that on his conscience... forever! Cut to sixty years from now and Chris Webber on his deathbed. His family circles around him, asks him if he has anything left he wants to say: "Yes. I bailed on Jenn from The Apprentice 2. It's weighed on my conscience ever since then. Please, don't let me go to hell!" Sadly, he winds up in hell. Sorry, Jenn's a pretty powerful woman.
Over on Kelly's team, his bumbling employees John and Raj grappled with the complex task of gift bag assembly. Raj in particular didn't seem to understand how it worked. It's a difficult task, I must admit. I mean, not only do you have to put items in a bag, but you got to make sure that, uh, you don't turn the bag upside down and spill everything out? Okay, Raj is an idiot. Kelly kept a watchful eye on Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum and they stuffed the bags, and I'm surprised he didn't add: "Why don't we put little spreadsheets in the bags. Everyone loves those!" Kelly then stroked his Microsoft Excel CD and whispered "Nothing comes between us. Nothing."
Unfortunately, with ADD descending upon John and Raj, they were left with nothing to do except bust out a bottle of wine and drink the night away. This led to a goofy cardboard molestation where it appeared that the two guys were showering themselves with the remnants of an unlucky gift bag. As the two giggled, I couldn't help wondering if maybe there had been a little doobie action on the polo fields. You know Carolyn was all over that.
Speaking of Carolyn, the poor lady was stuck out in the rain. When interviewing her about Kelly's performance, the producers placed her in the middle of a downpour with nothing but a cheap umbrella to keep her golden coif fluffy and dry. Were there no dry areas? Was the Greenwich Country Club afraid an overhang might attract Jews and Blacks?
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Comments (33)
Well NBC managed to screw up my night by interrupting my favorite commercials with that pesky The Apprentise. How Horrible. How Long.
1 of 33 | Posted by America's Next Top Model | Posted on December 17, 2004 5:47 AM
Maria had no screen time. It was almost like they were going to ask all the fired candidates for their 2 cents, but alas, no. No Maria and a few others.
The promos for the Apprentice 3 look just awful though. Not in regards to the looks of the candidates, but the "book smarts" vs. "street smarts" just doesn't look that entertaining. No more Maria. So sad.
2 of 33 | Posted by British | Posted on December 17, 2004 6:05 AM
oh, thank god it's over. NBC, we know it's been a rough year, and we understand the impulse to exploit one of your few remaining ratings monsters on a night when the other networks had only re-runs to offer, but 3 HOURS of mediocre, stagy 'surprises' was at least 1 hour too much. Yeah, right, Donald. Sure, that whole 'town meeting' thing was just another example of that million-dollar Trump spontaneous ingenuity. We buy it.
Presumably Burnett was going for corporate verisimillitude when he came up with the Powerpoint-style topic headings for the flashback sequences during the reunion: 'Gays in Restaurant' was easily the best, but I also enjoyed 'The Raj Factor,' 'Elizabeth Meltdown,' and 'Mutiny Against Elizabeth.' Can we get those on a spreadsheet, Kelly?
B-side, I too started to feel unexpected sympathy for Jennifer M. when one after another Trump's lackeys were invited to diss her and praise Kelly. In my opinion, Trump liked Jen better, but knew Kelly had outplayed her and was more qualified, so he exploited the audience to state the obvious, which ended up making Jen look a lot worse than if he'd just nailed her with the cobra strike in the first five minutes.
As for Jen's boardroom display: since when does the ability to talk loud and fast and drown out other voices by refusing to shut up and listen constitute business savvy? I know Trump loves watching accomplished young professionals morph into gladiators verbally disemboweling each other for his pleasure (I kept expecting Carolyn to feed him grapes while George fanned him with palm fronds), but really. Credit to Jen for fighting hard, but reciting the resume is pretty bush league, and she almost sounded like Howard Dean rattling off the names of midwestern states just before screaming himself out of contention.
Side note: According to 'Reality Blurred,' Chris Webber is suing Trump and Burnett, claiming that he never agreed to emcee the charity basketball event. Sure, Chris. Why wouldn't we believe you, given your classy reputation?
3 of 33 | Posted by jack | Posted on December 17, 2004 6:49 AM
Next on the Apprentice............. 18 white middle class men will compete for the job of Trump's apprentice .......... no women or people of color need apply
4 of 33 | Posted by Retroqueen | Posted on December 17, 2004 7:50 AM
This is the funniest thing I have ever read.
5 of 33 | Posted by boo | Posted on December 17, 2004 8:38 AM
We're already handicapping who will win the next apprentice. Vote in the poll now in the forums:
http://forums.tvgasm.com/forum.php?req=thread&id=13
6 of 33 | Posted by J-Unit | Posted on December 17, 2004 9:29 AM
The trailer showed a slow-motion cobra chop, which I thought was a bit odd and stagey, but we can only hope that finale won't be as long and tedious as this one was. Mark Burnett: you know better than this. Don't let NBC kill your jewel.
heh...heh.....soda pop everywhere. Thank you for making me make a mess of my interweb surfing tool. ;-)
7 of 33 | Posted by Christie | Posted on December 17, 2004 9:36 AM
My lord...empires rose and fell in the time it took to announce the winner. At least we won't have to see Jenn and her frog-like countenance on a weekly basis. Aww, are Jenn's feelings hurt by people talking bad about her? At least they're not saying she lacks "intellectual horsepower" for leaving school.
Too bad he couldn't think of anything more original for Kelly to do than a repeat of last year's prize: "overseeing" construction of another building. And why was Trump oblivious to Kelly's education? West Point is impressive on its own, but the man has a JD/MBA from UCLA! That's a top-20 law school, for heaven's sake. Oh well. Be gone, the lot of them.
8 of 33 | Posted by flush it all away | Posted on December 17, 2004 10:05 AM
Oh Lordie! This was HILARIOUS!
I too was extremely extremely peeved by the "I'm not supposed to be doing this..." setup of the reunion. And they just kept saying it! I could not stand the stagey-ness of the whole thing. Do they really think we're that dumb to have not realized this whole thing has been planned? Ughhh...it's just irritating.
9 of 33 | Posted by Pat | Posted on December 17, 2004 12:06 PM
Too, too long! I was so flicking back and forth to Charlie Brown on ABC. Jen deserves an award for not running out of the room crying when the whole audience was singing Kelly's praises. And anyway for the job the person would be doing with Trump in real estate, Jen was probably better suited for it, especially if it involved being like a model home hostess or sales person-Jen was good at that. I mean isn't that basically what Bill is doing right now in Chicago?
Did anyone else notice Tony Bennett doing the "white glove" test with his fingers when he was in the clubhouse? That was hiliarous! It was like, "yuck, this clubhouse is so not up to Tony Bennett standards". Just wondering if anyone else caught that.
10 of 33 | Posted by joslyn | Posted on December 17, 2004 2:14 PM
Thank you for allowing me to....(turn page)...uh...comment. It's so unusual that you would ask for random unplanned...(turn page)....opinions on your Apprentice summary. I think you did a great...(turn page)...job.
Seriously though, if I didn't have Tivo, I would've kicked in my TV on 6 or 7 seperate occasions. The O'Jays unironically singing their song about the evils of money while getting paid handsomely on a show about greed? What?
11 of 33 | Posted by drew | Posted on December 17, 2004 2:33 PM
The finale wasn't that great. It was to loooooong but we all know this. Oh my Gawd, you have to check out Chris & John's interview on The Fishbowl website. It's funny as all hell.
12 of 33 | Posted by Nixah | Posted on December 17, 2004 2:49 PM
Does anyone think that Kelly looks a little like Ken Jennings? I'm just sayin...
13 of 33 | Posted by Cari | Posted on December 17, 2004 3:24 PM
Kelly looks a lot like Ken Jennings hehe.
It was so obvious he would win, he was the only one out of the whole bunch who was able to lead and take directions and do things without being asked.
The finale sucked though. It was so long and stupid once the task part was over. The testimonials part ran way too long.
14 of 33 | Posted by Katrina | Posted on December 17, 2004 4:15 PM
I feel bad for Jenn. I suspected three weeks ago that Trump was leading her on, giving her cues on how to defend herself in a boardroom. It turns out he was trying to make a fool of herself for his show's ratings.
Trump is a chump, and I think most of the audience realized how awful that show was. Jenn needs to look where her paychecks won't bounce. I hope she sends a resume to Martha Stewart after she gets out. That will really piss him off.
15 of 33 | Posted by Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer | Posted on December 17, 2004 5:58 PM
Thank God it's over. Like crack addiction, much as I hated that show I couldn’t give it up. That finale was some serious withdrawal symptoms, though. Season 3 can kiss my ass. Unless you review that one too b-side. Then I might have to watch. My final analysis:
Kelly - most qualified candidate (not saying much)
Jen - most overrated/hypocritical candidate
Sandy - most underrated candidate
Little Stacy - most troll-like candidate
Stacie J - most screwed-over candidate
Ivana - hottest overall candidate
Elizabeth - hottest sane candidate
Andy – brightest-future candidate
Pamela - most likely-to-change-gender candidate
Kevin – the never-grow-up candidate
Maria - most hyperventilating-eyelashes candidate
Jen C – most racist candidate
Raj – most-likely-to-get-beat-up-by-a-woman candidate
Chris, John, Rob, Wes – most forgettable candidates (tie)
Brad – overall dumbest candidate
16 of 33 | Posted by John | Posted on December 17, 2004 7:19 PM
My favorite moments of the final episode:
1. Jen (the previously fired one) dancing to the band (dresses like she just stepped off the PEARL HARBOR set) when her fake nail flys off as she claps - all caught on live TV.
2. RObin's cobra-like head and sassy clap as they announce that they'll come back after the break to talk with Robin.
The whole fakeness of the show make it all the more entertaining,
17 of 33 | Posted by tv2 | Posted on December 17, 2004 8:48 PM
What killed me was the audacity to make this a three-hour event in order to parade new shows and notorious bitches all over my screen.
Why don't the two finalists get more than 3 people to manage? They obviously need more hands. When Jen attacked Kelly's integrity I thought he'd bring up the Levi's/taking credit incident.
I wonder if Jen still has sorority president on her resume. I scrapped all my college stuff at 25.
18 of 33 | Posted by Lady J | Posted on December 17, 2004 9:26 PM
That picture of "Doris" sure is funny B-Side.
My favorite moments from the show occurred in the first hour and a half for obvious reasons.
1) When Trump got into his helicopter to leave the basketball game without visiting the VIP area I was thinking "fuck" and then Pamela sees the helicopter departing and says "you're funking kidding me". I thought that was funny because I just knew someone was going to swear.
2) When Raj says that he used his hands to clean up garbage and then he used them to shake the hand of an American icon. Too funny.
The worst moments of the show were in the second hour and a half for the same obvious reasons.
1) When people kept talking to Jennifer but the camera people never knew which Jennifer they were referring to. This resulted in some awkward moments.
2) Having Regis ask people in the audience who they wanted to win. How stupid was that? At first when Trump pointed at the camera and the wall raised I thought he was going to tell us that we could vote on the winner like they did with Survivor All Stars. When is the last time a boss has consulted with random people from an audience before he desided if he was going to hire you or not?
3) When Trump chose Kelly and his reaction to winning was the exact same reaction Bill had when he won season 1. He quickly stood up and frantically kept shaking hands and saying thank you.
4) The way Trump fired Jen was very mean as well. He led her on that he was going to hire her and then fires her instead. If looks could kill, Trump wouldn't be around right now. She definitely gave Trump an evil look.
5) The extremely long commercial promoting "The Contender". I don't care if Mark Burnett produced it. I have absolutely no desire to watch men beat the crap out of each other. If I wanted to see that then I would watch a Pacers vs. Pistons basketball game. Go advertise that dumb show on ESPN or during some WWF match. There is a reason fighting isn't allowed on reality shows, because people watching reality shows don't want to see people bloodied and knocked unconscious. I guess that's why they had to include the wives and kids in the commercial, to make it look like a family show. I'm not going to fall for that. This show seems just as dumb as "Commando Nanny". If you haven't heard of this sit-com then you are lucky.
Good thing it got cancelled before it started.
19 of 33 | Posted by Lisa | Posted on December 18, 2004 2:19 AM
Bill, you're fire.
Kelly is my walking ad now.
And call him Mr. Perdew.
20 of 33 | Posted by banzai | Posted on December 18, 2004 7:22 AM
Ummmm...John? Are you even SANE AT ALL?!?!?!?! I'm not a lesbian, but I know when women are pretty or not. HOW THE HELL COULD YOU THINK THAT IVANA WAS THE HOTTEST overall CANDIDATE?!?!?!?!? The hottest male was definately Kevin, and I think that the prettiest female had to be Jenn.
21 of 33 | Posted by Cari | Posted on December 18, 2004 9:00 AM
Best Face Male: John
Best Body Male: Kevin
Best Face Female: Maria (closely followed by Jen C. for classic beauty)
Best Body Female: Jen M. (followed closely by Maria for being fashionably less curvy)
22 of 33 | Posted by Lady J | Posted on December 18, 2004 9:35 AM
There were two classic moments that I can't believe were left out of the re-cap.
1. When The Donald was flying over his new golf course in the helicoptor and was on the phone saying "I'm flying over my golf course, and you need to tell them that they need to hurry up and get it finished."
2. When the OJ's were singing and Jen C's fake fingernail went flying. She could have put an eye out, or worse.
23 of 33 | Posted by Rick D. | Posted on December 18, 2004 10:57 AM
To be honest, I fast forwarded over the O.J.'s performance, but I'll watch it again to see Jen's fingernail because that sounds pretty damn funny.
24 of 33 | Posted by b-side | Posted on December 18, 2004 11:16 AM
I take Elizabeth over all females.
Yeah, even with the crying.....
25 of 33 | Posted by TV Gasm Jr. | Posted on December 18, 2004 11:52 AM
Did anyone notice Pamela's awkward re-adjustment of her Levi's during the NBA event. I mean come on, you can only get them up there so far and that's it. Very disturbing, yet strangely entertaining !
26 of 33 | Posted by Johnny Canada | Posted on December 18, 2004 2:23 PM
Lol, I saw the levi's adjusting as well.
27 of 33 | Posted by Cari | Posted on December 18, 2004 2:38 PM
Granted, Cari, the field was pretty bleak but really, who else was there? Maria – for the love of Christ no. Jen C – yuck. Pam – horrid. The Troll? Crazy Stacie? Vile. Jen M- Lots of people liked her. Fake hair, fake eyebrows, no personality, no expression. Did nothing for me. Sandy, totally forgettable.
The ONLY contender was Elizabeth. Truth is she was probably hotter than Ivana, but Ivana’s insanity streak gave her the edge. It’s clear you’re no lesbian, or you’d know a pretty Asian woman dropping her pants for $20 on national TV is pretty fricken hot.
28 of 33 | Posted by John | Posted on December 19, 2004 2:24 PM
ANyone else notice Captain Janeway from star trek in the tony bennett audience?
29 of 33 | Posted by Scott the Spotter | Posted on December 20, 2004 8:27 AM
Regis was there, I think, because Trump was pretty stiff reading the cue cards during Season 1's finale. And agreed... just too long, too bloated, and too many weird production elements. The audience "polling" and Kelly campaign really hurt the show's credibility.
Trump's eternal stare at Jenn, right before announcing you're hired/fired-? Hadn't she already been whipping girl long enough for all those commercial segments?
I happened to love the Trump persona long before the show ever launched. But his treatment of the earlier contestants and this season's runner-up really reflected poorly on the Trump organization; not on the folks sent down from the suite. Jennifer M was impressive, keeping it together during the ratings-driven kangaroo court. DT is doing something to the fabled Trump brand... and it's not good.
30 of 33 | Posted by Allie | Posted on December 20, 2004 8:40 PM
Why did they mislead us into thinking we would catch up with Omarosa? Did i miss the only 5 minutes of that awful 3 hours that i really wanted to see, or was that just - shudder - false adverstising??? i can't imagine tv execs would stoop so low!
31 of 33 | Posted by meeshie | Posted on December 21, 2004 10:04 AM
i think that jenn m is super hot... i would kil to see her in a thong ... and even to make love to her
32 of 33 | Posted by will | Posted on December 21, 2004 5:38 PM
Definitely a finale that was drawn out too far. I can't stand Jenn M so I'm glad she lost. They could have given the finale some class and left out all of the interviews.
Omarosa is hideous looking. As well as Sandy.
Jenn C is tooooo hot. Absolutely smoking. Followed by Maria, Stacie J and Elizabeth. Did you see their photos in Maxim? Little Stacy is cute and has a real nice rack as well.
Maria should be shot for wearing that outfit. Uggh.
33 of 33 | Posted by Vince | Posted on December 25, 2004 8:53 PM