The Neverending Story - 
by B-Side
Memo to NBC: Never ever EVER do that again.
After weeks and weeks of entertaining, campy, and often exciting episodes of The Apprentice, NBC did what it does best: killed it. Yes, the network supersized, inflated, bloated, expanded, and stretched out what should have been a tight, intense finale into a hollow, boring three hour marathon full of such stall-worthy moments as a musical interlude from The O.J.'s and a cameo appearance by Sugar Ray Leonard to tout his DOA reality offering, "The Contender". It was a less than thrilling attempt by Jeff Zucker & Co. to fill out the Must Not See TV slate currently occupied by laugh-free sitcoms Joey and Will & Grace, and to that end, I suppose this puffed up version of The Apprentice did offer more entertainment than those sitcoms. But still, I feel like I've emerged about five years older, and I'm not sure, but I think I have a lovely collection of bed sores to boot.
Anyway, let's rev up the time machine and head back a few presidential elections ago to when this finale started off. (For those of you unfamiliar with sarcasm, fear not. You did not in fact miss any elections.)
Our trip back in time started off with, well, a trip back in time. As is the case with most reality finales, we endured through a delightful "Here's what you missed while you were watching CSI, jackasses" montage of the season. I alternately zoned out and reminisced during this time, but at about the ten minute mark, I was ready to stuff a sock into Trump's mouth and shout "Stop yelling at me! I'm sensitive!" When the montage was over, we returned to last week's cliffhanger which featured Jenn dealing with Chris Webber (yes, the guy who was super popular... kind of... nine years ago) who had bailed last minute on her event. There really wasn't much that Jenn could do beyond informing his assistant that he had bailed and he would have to live with that on his conscience... forever! Cut to sixty years from now and Chris Webber on his deathbed. His family circles around him, asks him if he has anything left he wants to say: "Yes. I bailed on Jenn from The Apprentice 2. It's weighed on my conscience ever since then. Please, don't let me go to hell!" Sadly, he winds up in hell. Sorry, Jenn's a pretty powerful woman.
Over on Kelly's team, his bumbling employees John and Raj grappled with the complex task of gift bag assembly. Raj in particular didn't seem to understand how it worked. It's a difficult task, I must admit. I mean, not only do you have to put items in a bag, but you got to make sure that, uh, you don't turn the bag upside down and spill everything out? Okay, Raj is an idiot. Kelly kept a watchful eye on Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum and they stuffed the bags, and I'm surprised he didn't add: "Why don't we put little spreadsheets in the bags. Everyone loves those!" Kelly then stroked his Microsoft Excel CD and whispered "Nothing comes between us. Nothing."
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