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Well, we're down to the final two. After months of spats and firings and stripteases, Donald Trump & Co. have whittled down the group of prospective Apprentice winners to two candidates: Kelly and Jenn. This was only a semi surprise since Kelly's been the odds on favorite to win since mid October (I pulled that timeframe out of my ass, by the way). As for Jenn? Well... she's pretty. Okay, to Jenn's credit, she has a very accomplished resume and an excellent education, but I mean really. She's going up against Kelly. The Kellster. Kellyrama. There's no way she can beat that juggernaut. The only way she could possibly sabotage Kelly would be if she had someone call the loft phone every five minutes. He'd drop anything to pick up that phone, even the final challenge. Commence finger tenting... right.... now.
We should have known Jenn was headed for big things at the outset of the episode as she and Sandy prepared some meal. The two of them were positively giddy, especially when Sandy suggested pulling a menu off the internet. "YEAH!!!" chirped Jenn, who acted as if she had just been invited to be the CEO of Candyland.
Unfortunately, she must have pulled a crappy menu off of FoodTV.com because the mood was considerably more somber after the meal. Sandy and Kelly badmouthed Jenn in the living room, but either they were using their outdoor voices or Jenn has super hero hearing because our flaxen lawyer inserted herself into the conversation with one of my favorite reality lines: "I can hear what you're saying." That was too bad. Jenn being in the Jenn-bashing conversation really made it hard to continue with the Jenn-bashing.
Since the awkward confrontation apparently didn't lead anywhere, the producers were left with nothing else to do but cut to the moon. And when the moon refused to get into an argument with Jenn, the producers cut to a floor buffer and an escalator repairman. Just when the B-Roll threatened to head into an even more mundane task (I feared we'd be getting a direct feed from a mattress warehouse next), we returned to the loft where Kelly answered Rhona's morning call AGAIN (note my weak joke in the opening paragraph). Coming in second place was Kevin who awkwardly stood behind Kelly before slowly ambling off into the recesses of the apartment.
The group all travelled up to The Donald's corner office where they put on their best informercial smiles. As Trump extolled the virtues of a corner office, Kelly nodded his head as if to say "Why yes, I DO need a better omelette pan!" With his supplicants eagerly slurping up any pearls of wisdom he may have, Donald continued to babble about wealth and power and yada yada yada. "If you do well in life," he started one line. Are they not doing well? Does this mean that after Wharton and Law School Kevin's going to wind up at a shelter?
Speaking of Kevin, did anyone else have the uncontrollable desire to lend him a handkerchief? Not because he was sweating. But because he had some dollop of something at the corner of his mouth. To the naked eye, it appeared to be the cream cheese relic of a too-hastily consumed bagel, but we'll also accept rogue bead of sweat or errant glitter.
Around this time, a small critter which NBC labeled the "Trump Bobblehead" appeared at the bottom of the screen, and for the thirty or sixty seconds that it stayed there, I was completely transfixed by its bobbling head. In fact, I know CNBC is really struggling. I say just throw the Trump Bobblehead on there for about 18 hours a day. I know I'd watch. They can even put him behind a desk to make it look like a talk show. I'd be fine with that.
After the bobblehead disappeared, we learned that the final four would be interviewed by four CEOs or Presidents: Alan Jope (Unilever), Dawn Hudson (Pepsi), Ace Greenberg (Bear Sterns), and Bob Kraft (New England Patriots). Then, all four executives would report back to Trump. Suddenly those informercial faces were gone. It was like the studio audience just saw Ron Popeil get impaled on his Showtime Rotisserie — Just Set It and Forget It!
I won't get into the nitty gritty of the interviews except that Ace Greenberg seemed really tough. Honestly, this was the hardest challenge yet. Heck, even I was stressed after the interviews were over.
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Comments (14)
Brilliant as always B-side (and written so quickly, too!). Just a couple corrections:
* "Did you Dawn Hudson from Pepsi? I think she likes me!" There seems to be a verb missing from the first sentence.
* "Meanwhile, Jenn's dysfunctional team of Pamela, Chris and Stacy wreaked of basketball." I think you mean "reeked." Unless you're making a grammatically incorrect play on "wreaking" havoc.
Other observations from this week's show:
1. I really think Elizabeth and Sandy are the same person, or at least slight variations on the same Mattel model.
2. Who the hell was John? At first I thought he was Rob. Then I gave up caring.
3. I wonder if they didn't purposely have C-Webb pull out just to make the challenge more difficult. It just seems suspicious that the star player drops out of his own charity event at the last minute. (While we're at it, I wonder if Trump somehow knew it was going to rain on the polo field. Or maybe he MADE it rain...)
4. Who is this Jenn Worth person they kept talking about, and is she hot?
5. Why do people use their speaker option on their cell phones? Is there really that much of a difference between holding the phone to your ear and holding it three inches in front of your face?
1 of 14 | Posted by flush it all away | Posted on December 10, 2004 4:15 AM
I have a stromg premonition that once Kelly gets hired, real nudies of him are going to surface. He is in love with his body and the mid-life semi puptents he gets with the Pavlovian response of a phone ringing. I cringed when he said,"Love you guys" and then ran back to his fancy car (another plug).
2 of 14 | Posted by mick | Posted on December 10, 2004 6:44 AM
My favorite part of the episode was when Kelly answered the phone in a pair of tight-fitting boxer briefs and his manhood was bouncing all the over the place. Now we know why he's so confident!
3 of 14 | Posted by Steve | Posted on December 10, 2004 7:18 AM
This time last year, we had Bill and Kwame on the roof, sipping Cristal and sharing a 'may the best man win' lovefest. What does Kelly give us? 'Jen sucks.' And Jen? 'He's very manipulative.' And have you ever seen such enthusiasm from the ranks of the exhumed? You've got Pamela shooting a steady stream of 'I can't believe I have to take orders from this bitch' eye-daggers at Jen, Chris modifying every other word of speech with an 'F'-bomb, little Stacie with her patented purse-lipped eye-roll, John talking about sipping champagne and watching 'the match' like he's ever been within a mile of a polo event without being dressed in a white coat and a clip-on bow-tie, and Raj, wondering whether or not he can get Elizabeth to fall for the 'yawn-stretch-reach-around' technique in the back of the van.
Only Elizabeth shows the faintest sign of caring about the outcome, and, as John somewhat cattily observed, it ain't out of any particular love for Kelly. Of course, while John is more or less correct to suggest that Elizabeth has a greater personal interest in Kelly's success--that is, proving to all of those prospective employers waiting to snap up Trump's castoffs that she's not a totally incompetent emotional basket-case (with lovely blue eyes and nice highlights, i must say)--John's memory seems to have conveniently omitted his own undoing by a little thing called the 'capelet.'
Rest assured, Chris Webber will show up--given his already lack-luster public image, C-Webb isn't going to ditch a charity fundraiser for kids with twenty million people looking on. Manufactured drama.
Best George moment of the season: "You schlepping?"
Worst production choice: excluding Maria from the ranks of the resurrected cast-offs. That home-ec and graphic design experience could have tipped the scales for some lucky applicant.
Oh, and by the way, b-side, you missed a few consonants and forgot to dot an 'i'. I'd be more specific with my corrections, but I'm too smug and imperious.
4 of 14 | Posted by jack | Posted on December 10, 2004 7:45 AM
Excellent recap!
However I am now legally blind after watching last nites' show and seeing Trump running in his CareBear pjs.........Shudder.....stick to suits Donald
5 of 14 | Posted by Retroqueen | Posted on December 10, 2004 8:21 AM
Yeah B-side, what's with all the grammar and spelling errors? I pay a lot of money to read these articles posted on this site. Just because you're one of a handful of people cranking out several hillarious articles on a daily basis doesn't mean you can leave your Chicago Manual of Style at home.
Did you all peep Robin's outfit? She was dressed to go to the club after she was relieved of her "you guys can go in now" duties for the night.
6 of 14 | Posted by Leah3t | Posted on December 10, 2004 8:21 AM
Forget about Kelly's wiggling manhood (I noticed that, too)--how about Kevin in his boxers?! DAYAMM, that dude is huge! Sexy!
Y'all lay off of my man B-Side and his few little grammatical errors. At least he got his homework done in a timely fashion. A+ B-Side!
7 of 14 | Posted by joslyn | Posted on December 10, 2004 9:42 AM
Damn, my final chance to see Kevin semi-nude and Kelly F*cks it up by knocking Kevin out the way to pick up the phone. Could he have a least move to one side so Kevin could show off those pecs. Curses on Kelly. Win Jen!
8 of 14 | Posted by America's Next Top Fan | Posted on December 10, 2004 11:30 AM
The show has finally gotten interesting, besides the fact that it was so obvious who the final two would be. And forget about the fact that Kelly is obviously going to win. Give me a break.
The apprentice is officially coming off of my tivo as of next week. I couldn't stand another season of this BS. And why is the final challenge always event coordinating? It's dumb. The Apprentice sucks.
PS Since when did the grammar/spelling police come to this site? Why don't you silently scoff to yourself how stupid other people are and how smart you are...
9 of 14 | Posted by smithie | Posted on December 10, 2004 12:17 PM
Jack, Joslyn, Smithie -
I've seen other people correct mistakes (e.g., Alberta, Canada) and thought it was something the authors welcomed. Apparently, it isn't, so I apologize. It wasn't an attempt to be erudite.
10 of 14 | Posted by flush it all away | Posted on December 10, 2004 1:11 PM
The speakerphone question was answered last year. The producers require them to use the option so that they know who they are speaking to, otherwise they could be calling a top secret team of ice cream sellers/dog walkers/MBA holders at home.
11 of 14 | Posted by Ian Evans | Posted on December 10, 2004 1:11 PM
in flush it all away's defense, I appreciated the heads up, and since he or she was very nice abotu it, I thought it was cool.
but thanks to the rest of you all for rushing to my defense anyway.
Group hug.
12 of 14 | Posted by b-side | Posted on December 10, 2004 1:27 PM
Agreed, Kevin is extremely hot. Granted, it was extremely stupid of him to tell oen fo the interviewers that he didn't plan on being a lawyer with his law degree. I found it interesting that Kevin came out TWO SECONDS after Kelly, and Kevin (surprise surprise) was sweaty. Hmmm...What's up pussycat?!
13 of 14 | Posted by Cari | Posted on December 10, 2004 2:56 PM
Doesn't Jennifer have to win? If she doesn't, then we'll have proof that Trump just wants to hire white males.
14 of 14 | Posted by Jennifer (no relation) | Posted on December 11, 2004 7:46 PM