New writer alert! Honey Gangsta has thrown herself into the fire to try to bring you info, perspective and laughs on this seasons THE BACHELOR: OFFICER AND A GENTLEMAN. As usual, it is your love or hate comments that determines her fate. So if you have thoughts or constructive criticism, please leave them below. -MYL
Ahoy - The Bachelor Returns
By - Honey Gansta
It's been such a long wait since we bid goodbye to the Pet Beautician and his false love Jennifer (whom he had ditched for first-runner-up, Herpes Sadie, by the time the series aired) that I am overjoyed to welcome a new Bachelor and a new cheesy theme. Last time as we know the theme was Prince Pet Beautician searching for his Princess to sweep away to a fairy tale castle where they could give dogs facials together and ponder the deeper meaning of love, like keeping it fun. This season the producers have tapped into an 80's movie hit, An Officer and a Gentleman.
This movie is okay if you like young Richard Gere. I was unimpressed the first time I saw it, but I believe I stand in the female minority. It is supposedly very romantic. I thought Richard Gere's character was a total jerk, and that Debra Winger should have hung out for something better to come along - it seems like there were new OCS trainees every few weeks. I just don't think it's that romantic when a guy jerks a girl around for a long time, then decides he may not find anything better, so he gives her a break. Lucky girl. Anyway, I digress. If this season of The Bachelor actually emulates the plot of the movie, we can hope to see the following: An abusive drill instructor, a fake pregnancy, a suicide, and a whole lot of conduct unbecoming an officer and a gentleman. So far we have the theme song "Up Where We Belong" playing relentlessly. You can expect to know it by heart by about episode three.
Let's meet this Officer and Gentleman. He is: a navy doctor, an Ironman triathlete, a humanitarian. He is... Lieutenant Andy Baldwin. But I shall call him Mayo, in honor of Richard Gere's movie character. Hey, let's stick to the theme.
♫♪ Anchors aweigh my boy... ♪♫
We are treated to a montage of Mayo doing his various things - wearing a uniform, jogging on the beach, medically treating starving children, and angrily tossing a pebble into the ocean because he just can't find true love. We now get a slideshow of Mayo's life starting with childhood, and he was actually a pretty cute little kid. He did amazing things like joining the swim team, having a paper route, and mowing people's lawns. He then received a scholarship to Duke University from the US Navy. (Yva Neht Nioj, for you "Simpsons" fans). It seems he was on the fast track to becoming a Navy Seal, but when the Navy offered to pay for him to go to medical school, he just couldn't pass up that chance to do all of mankind a favor. He is now stationed in that most hostile of military outposts, Pearl Harbor, where he tends to the sunburns of the Special Ops Dive Unit. "These are my guys... I know them from head to toe." Hmm. I won't ask or tell. Next we hear all about the Ironman Triathlon , which is this insane combination of swimming, biking and running that you seriously have to be superhuman to accomplish. Well, Mayo has accomplished it six times, so watch out. He was also named Humanitarian of the Year for all of the starving children he has saved. Okay, so joking aside, he is a completely terrific guy on paper. Guys like this should have absolutely no trouble finding a nice girl to be with, right? So what's the problem? Well, we have an entire season to find out! Mayo narrates that he is taking a huge risk coming to Los Angeles to find the love of his life, but he is way excited to do so. He then walks out and climbs into Marty McFly's DeLorean to go and meet the ladies.
"I'm traveling through time to meet my 'future' wife."
Chris Harrison is back this season to tell us everything we already know. Mayo will be meeting 25 gorgeous ladies tonight, one of whom may turn out to be the love of his life! Also, tonight is Mayo's 30 th birthday, so he is extra lucky.
"Allow me to clarify. This is a rose."
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Comments (14)
oh im so excited!! ive been wanting a bachelor recap. tvgasm, you're the greatest!
1 of 14 | Posted by efk2020 | Posted on April 13, 2007 1:12 PM
A thoughtful analysis of thoughtless reality "stars". I found the commentary more entertaining and humorous than the actual episode. Well done. I look forward to equally insightful annotations as the season progresses.
2 of 14 | Posted by Cortney | Posted on April 13, 2007 1:19 PM
Thank heaven for Honey Gangsta! I love your snide take on the show. You wrote exactly what I was thinking as I watched the show peeking through my hands - oh the horror! oh the suspense!
Even better, now I don't have to watch the show! I can just come here and get my fix of the perfect television romance.
3 of 14 | Posted by nubile hag | Posted on April 13, 2007 1:45 PM
Very funny recap! The show is painfully awful to watch but I do enjoy the ripping on of these reality morons...God I hate them all! Very well done recap! Keep on ripping!
4 of 14 | Posted by Peti | Posted on April 13, 2007 1:49 PM
The recap was very funny, and you should definitely do show #2. I can't wait to read what you have to say about the date of uncomfortable silence!
5 of 14 | Posted by earl | Posted on April 13, 2007 2:38 PM
It's so great how you can turn a tragic, antiquated, messed up, backward social statement on men-women relationships into comedy!! I love it! I won't have to watch the crap, just get the funny from Honey Gangsta...keep it up.
Love the captions on the photos too. Hilarious.
6 of 14 | Posted by GnomeCorp | Posted on April 13, 2007 4:40 PM
www.realitysteve.com is who you need to use for your bachelor recaps. he's hilarious, they're out the day after, and he recaps the show that actually aired that week!
7 of 14 | Posted by Anonymous | Posted on April 13, 2007 5:26 PM
great recap! i loved it!
8 of 14 | Posted by sheloveslennon![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.tvgasm.com/shows/nav-commenters.gif)
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Posted on April 13, 2007 6:16 PM
Good Job! I love the recaps on this site. Realitysteve is ok but is but is not as funny anymore. Thanks for the recap
9 of 14 | Posted by runswithscissors | Posted on April 13, 2007 10:43 PM
Great recap!! Better than the show itself - I prefer snark to sap, and this had me laughing a lot. No one did the worm at MY 30th b-day party - I feel so left out! :D Hope to read more of your recaps here!
10 of 14 | Posted by kreleia | Posted on April 14, 2007 1:18 AM
I thought this recap was pretty good. Reality steve is funny but I'm kind of a jerk so I would think he's good.
If you want to laugh your arse off read Lincee's blog. She does the recaps the best I think.
http://thebachelorrecaps.blogspot.com/
11 of 14 | Posted by Mr. Sniffles | Posted on April 14, 2007 7:50 AM
I wasn't able to see the premiere, so I was glad to read your 5min summary about the 1 hour drama. I'm glad you included some pictures and details. I'll be sure to read your next review.
12 of 14 | Posted by map | Posted on April 14, 2007 8:03 AM
Too funny! Loved the recap ;)
13 of 14 | Posted by kc | Posted on April 14, 2007 3:35 PM
Good thing my chair is not to high because i fell off it with laughter.
14 of 14 | Posted by gerber daisy | Posted on April 15, 2007 12:11 PM