TVgasm Recaps

Six weeks ago, I made the mistake of telling a girl that under no condition would I ever be devoting any time to The Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise. Apparently this girl put a little "We'll see about that" hex on me because now here I am, giving my umpteenth update on the lives and times of the Bachelorette guys. Man, this sucks.

Anyway, long story short, the photo to the left is Fabrice, and yes, it was taken with my camera phone.

Mild Bachelorette spoiler after the jump...

[Providing coverage of The Bachelor this season is jadedbitch.]

I was very gunshy about watching another season of the Bachelor/Bachelorette series after the last catastrophe known as Jen Schefft. However, I was persuaded by friends to tune in to Monday night's premiere, when the fledgling program decided to enlist the help of fledgling actor Charlie O'Connell to help inject some life into its already six feet under franchise. Or perhaps it was the other way around? For those who don't already know, this round of The Bachelor stars the younger brother of actor Jerry O'Connell.

Some of Jerry's credits include: Stand By Me, the TV show My Secret Identity, Jerry Maguire, Tomcats, and who can forget the Fox series Sliders? Yeah, he's kinda b-list, but then what does that make Charlie? C-list? D? E? F? Some of Charlie's credits include: ....er,...we'll get back to this.

[Contintuing coverage of The Bachelor is jadedbitch]

I missed the first five minutes of Elimidate, The Fifth Wheel, Blind Date, The Bachelor but I'm sure it was all recap material anyhow. This show loves dem recaps!

We join the show as it zooms in on the first one-on-one date of the season, featuring Megan, a quiet Southern girl who last week claimed whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas and who now admits to going to a party school. This confused Charlie - was she the quiet virginal type or the whorey girls gone wild kind? Not only that, but for this private date, Megan has chosen to dye her hair from brunette to blonde! All you folks out there who have noticed Charlie's taste for blondes must've been communicating somehow with Meg here, as she brought in Caesar, apparently one of Manhattan's top hairdressers, to spruce up her look.

[Contintuing coverage of The Bachelor is jadedbitch.]

We start off with Kimberley going through her suitcase of skank-ware, which included a pearl thong and a lacy see-through half cut bodice that cupped her assets like an overflowing grocery bag of melons. She was indeed preparing for the one-on-one date with Charlie that evening. She so wants to be Samantha Jones. Meanwhile across town, Charlie was busy breaking his telephone. Literally. He had taken the receiver off the wall phone and was spinning it around him like some sort of telephone-slinger, when it flew right off. Eventually he put it back together and gave Kim a call. They were to have their first date together at an art gallery. This of course caused Jenny and Anitra to advise Kim not to wear such a slutty outfit to an art gallery. "People who go there, are in suits and are educated,"noted Jenny, who only wanted to help her fellow Canadian gal pal. Kim did end up changing into something less slutty, which isn't saying much. Instead of putting her boobs on display, she opted to don a jacket, but hike up her skirt, therefore prominently showcasing her vagina. "Now we're cooking - with GAS!"exclaimed Charlie. This guy has so many awful one-liners that someone should give him his own cheesy reality show. Oh wait...

[jadedbitch is back from France with Bachelor recaps. You can read his blog at http://www.jadedbitch.com/.]

Bonjour! I have returned from Fabrice-land! Boy did I need that vacation! And being in Paris was a total turn-on, since everyone around you is completely horny and ready to have sex right there on the Metro system. Ah, but that's nothing a cold shower couldn't fix, or better yet, returning to North America and catching up on more dull episodes of The Bachelor. As if dreading going back to work wasn't bad enough, the thought of seeing Charlie O'Connell continue to dispose of forgettable women made my stomach lurch more than the American Airlines chicken teriyaki.

[Bachelor recaps are written by jadedbitch. You can read his blog at http://www.jadedbitch.com/.]

Our boy Charlie has had some time to "get to know" his potential sweethearts, but now we have to get to some real business, and you know what that menans... It’s time for the hometown visit episode! (re: the episode where the crazy families are exposed!) We start off in McKinney, Texas to meet Sarah B’s folks. She shows up to meet Charlie in what looks like a pair of my grandmother’s pajamas, or “colourful scrubs” as Charlie called them. Seriously though, Caroline Rhea called and wants her face back.

[jadedbitch continues with our Bachelor recaps. You can read his blog at http://www.jadedbitch.com/.]

"Aruba, Jamaica, ooh I wanna take ya..."

You can't say "Aruba" without thinking of that song. Anyone who disagrees is a damn liar. On this week's Bachelor, Charlie brings the three remaining girls to a tropical paradise for an exotic overnight date. What's different from other seasons is that this time, the girls are not only all in the same location for their overnight fantasy frolic, but they're even at the same hotel! It would've been more fun had the likes of bug-eyed Toni, the guy with the man-boobs, mafia member Zach, and all the rest of the Paradise Hotel crew, shown up to crash the party. Now that would've been good television.

[jadedbitch continues with our Bachelor recaps. You can read his blog at http://www.jadedbitch.com/.]

So sayeth Anitra during one of many pointless clips shown throughout last night’s Women Tell All special. I couldn’t decide if that would make a better title or Geitan’s remark that, “These are Bitchelorettes, not Bachelorettes!” We join Chris Harrison in the most work that he’s had to do all season, as he introduces 10 from the reject pile. It was nice to see familiar faces like Danushka (sans sunglasses) and Kara, who in case you forgot, is a single mom, as stated underneath her name to remind everyone. Was it me or was this whole beginning akin to an episode of Jerry Springer?

[jadedbitch continues with our Bachelor recaps. You can read his blog at http://www.jadedbitch.com/.]

At long last, it is the final episode of The Bachelor! Before Charlie decides on live television who he will pick, we have to endure Krisily and Sarah visiting Charlie’s home and family in Montalk. The first to arrive is Krisily, who meets up with Charlie on the beach. He takes her to meet his friends Steve and Frank. “I feel like I’m home cause the beach at home is so similar to this,” gushed Krisily. Yes, and when I visit Hawaii, I feel like I’m at home too because the sun at home is so similar. And when I was in Paris, man, that moon really made me feel like home cause the moon here in Canada is just like it!

I am not sure how many iterations of The Bachelor have been shown on ABC, but they are coming out with the next edition starting tonight January 9th, at 10 PM (check local listings). For those of you not familiar with the show, one lonely bachelor woos a number of women, apparently in search of true love. After a couple of seasons helping minor celebrities (Jesse Palmer, Charlie O'Connell), this edition features ER doctor Travis. And if being on a reality TV show isn't already enough to get you in the mood, this year they get to do it all in Paris. Although the rose ceremony at the end of each show may not be as exciting as the board room or tribal council to some of you, keep an eye on TVgasm, where our own copygodd will be recapping the show. You can read more about this year's bachelor by clicking here. For bios on all of his potential suitors, click here. Sadly for all of you women, B-Side, EdHill, madeyoulaugh and yours truly didn't make it through to the final. You'll have to do your stalking the traditional way.

But enough about me. Do you smell rotting eggs? Then let's get this recap started.

Oy, what a week. To start, let me say thanks for all the comments on my first shot at recapping The Bachelor. I think I got more for that one post than I did on all my RAW recaps combined. No big surprise there. It even got cited on ABC's message boards, which J-Unit, using his best Martha non-emoticons, assures me is a good thing.

Speaking of good things, tonight's episode wasn't. I mean, it wasn't horrible, but it wasn't good, either. Eh, I'm probably just spoiled by last week's rotten eggstravaganza. (Get it? Spoiled? Rotten? My mom's right: I do suck.)

After a quick rundown of last week's action, the remaining ho-pefuls are shown the house where they'll be syncing cycles. At least until Travis decides whether or not they're spongeworthy. Host Chris Harrison tells them there will be two group dates this week, along with one individual date. Since Kristen was given the final rose at the last Rose Ceremony, she gets the first individual date. But before you start hatin' on K-Poem, Host Chris Harrison explains the catch: if Travis decides not to Rose you during the date, you'll immediately be sent home. No bachelor for you!

There's probably only one or two of you that know this, but before I started recapping The Bachelor I used to recap The Biggest Loser. (And WWE: RAW, but I try not to think about that when I'm sober.) Anyway, just as one of the hardest things about covering The Biggest Loser was trying not to rely on cheap fat jokes, it's getting harder and harder every week not to rely on cheap sex jokes in my Bachelor recaps.

Heh heh. I said harder. Twice.

We start off this week's episode with a nice beefcake shot of Dr. McStork running (shirtless, natch) down a backFrench road. Happy now, Mom? In the chateau, Travis tells us his two best friends, Dr. Matt and Dr. Kevin, are in Paris to meet the remaining ho-pefuls, and to choose who goes on which date. Armed with a skeleton, alcohol and three engagement rings, they set out to see how the girls handle stress. It's like watching my honeymoon video all over again. Without all the crying.

Entries after the jump...

Tonight's episode of The Bachelor starts off with Host Chris Harrison meeting the six ho-pefuls in the den. This week is going to be bit different, he tells them. There will be two one-on-one dates and one group date. Nobody needs to remind them of how important the one-on-one time is, but Host Chris Harrison does it anyway. Cuz that's how he rolls. So who gets to decide who goes on which date? I'm glad you asked…

In walk Silo and Jennifer, both spurned by The Amazing Travis last week. All in all, the remaining girls take it about as well as can be expected. If they were expecting the Spanish Inquisition. And as we all know, nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.

So I flipped on the TiVo last night to start this week's recap of The Bachelor and saw it was another two-hour episode. Two friggin hours? Had I known that, I'd have stopped at the liquor store on the way home, as I only have seven beers in the fridge. Fortunately, the first 35 minutes were spent revisiting some of the exotic dates from previous seasons. And since I've never watched the show before this season, I didn’t feel like catching up with stories I don't give a shit about. (I know I ended that sentence with a preposition, but "catching up with stories about which I don't give a shit" just sounds stupid.)

Travis has three exotic dates scheduled this week, and there's nary a rose in sight. That means he can relax and focus on the important things. Like poontang. Actually, he's focused on getting to know the remaining B'ettes better. Anything else that happens on the dates is just gravy. Love-gravy.

This week's episode of The Bachelor had it all: good, bad and ugly. The good? It was a rare one-hour episode. The bad? It was a "reunion" show. The ugly? The behavior of the dumped ho-pefuls. Plus, is it just me, or is the whole idea of having a reunion show before the show is actually over more than a little weird? Can you imagine The Probst hosting a reunion before he tallied the votes for the final time? I believe he'd kick Mark Burnett squarely in the jimmies before agreeing to do something as stupid as that.

Unfortunately, Host Chris Harrison is no Jeff Probst. Hell, he's not even a Paige Davis. So of course he got right to it, telling us this is the most talked about season…ever. And tonight will be the most he's talked in an episode… ever. Lucky us. Next, he reintroduces us to the bevy of bounced B'ettes. All of them wave to the camera with their right hand, except SaraH-eh?, who uses her left. I told you Canadians were weird. Although, knowing her, it's probably because she was holding a blunt in her right.

Okay, you caught me. Truth be told, I missed the first 15 minutes because I was riding blimp.

Finally, all the weeks of plotting, backstabbing, taco-blockoing and twat-swatting come down to this: The tramp-stamped Californian versus the nerdy Nashvillian. The rodent-jawed rapscallion versus the halitosis honey. (I'm sorry, but PlainSaraH just looks like she has stankbreath.) Yes, folks, it's Moanica versus PlainSaraH, in a battle for Dr. Stork's heart. And a ring on a string. Who will the good doctor choose? Who will he reject? Who will breakdown in the limo and give us a peek of her areola?

Seaworthy, yes. But does it boast rich Corinthian leather?

Thanks to alert reader Jessica M., TVgasm has learned that producers of The Bachelor are currently looking to the yachting community for America's most eligible man.

According to Inside Yachting, the show's producers are searching for men who are "ambitious, charming and successful and who are looking to find love. The ideal candidate is an attractive, single, 28-35 year-old accomplished CEO, Architect, Lawyer, Entrepreneur or Businessman. The yachting community matches this demographic perfectly." Of course, with qualifications like that it goes without saying they'll also be capable of handling 25 beautiful girls at one time. Or 25 cabin boys, in case they want to move the show to Bravo.

As I mentioned in my recap, TV GUIDE Emmy party served as a platform for the world debut of the band known as Band from TV. With the vocals of Bob Guiney (The Scorned) and Bonnie Somerville (Kitchen Confidential) leading the band, a strong support comes in the form of James Denton (Desperate Housewives) on strummin guitar, Hugh Laurie (House M.D.) tappin' the keys, and Greg Grunberg (Heroes) poundin' out the drums. USA TODAY gives a little insight to the band's genesis and charity work and even offers a short, clear clip of the band rehearsing (minus the members of the band that actually make it worth watching). Here's the thing about this gimmicky, schticky band....they are really good. While there's no original music, the covers are classic and the band members enthusiasm for the music is contagious.

I recorded a few short clips on my camera for personal historical documentation, but it's something so few people got to see, I have to share a bit. I appologize in advance for the audio and shakyness, but it was late, room was dark, and I was drunk. Think of it as Blaire Witch music.

For information on the band and future live performances you can reference their website here. If the link to buy their CD actually worked, it'd be on my iPod by now.

For starters, the show has moved to Rome. And while it's not the most romantic ever, it is the Princeliest. That's right, the bachelor this year is an actual Italian Prince. Sure, he's lived in America since before he could wipe his own ass, but really, has royalty ever had to wipe its own ass? In fact, while most people think Marie Antoinette's last words were "Let them eat cake," in actuality they were "Let them wipe their own asses." So you can see why they made her eat canned spaghetti until her stomach exploded.

True story.

Did I mention Kim can't hold her liquor?

And that was just Prince Lorenzo! (rimshot)

So why am I wasting my first graph of The Bachelor recap whining about my mutilated digit? Because with just my left hand and one finger on my right, I can't type for shit. It's taken me almost ten minutes and a whole beer to get this far. Which means this week's recap is going to be the dreaded "Photo Recap," with lots of pictures and (hopefully) pithy captions. Don't say you haven't been warned.

My finger is still in a huge splint, though, so while this week's recap is a little shorter, it's not because I don't care. It's just that I don't care enough to work through the pain. Although I do care enough not to resort to another dreaded picture recap. Fortunately for us both, I have enough beer and peyote left over from Saturday's Halloween party that I should be okay. What's five or six hours of throbbing pain between friends? Besides my wedding night, of course.

New writer alert! Honey Gangsta has thrown herself into the fire to try to bring you info, perspective and laughs on this seasons THE BACHELOR: OFFICER AND A GENTLEMAN. As usual, it is your love or hate comments that determines her fate. So if you have thoughts or constructive criticism, please leave them below. -MYL

Ahoy - The Bachelor Returns

By - Honey Gansta


It's been such a long wait since we bid goodbye to the Pet Beautician and his false love Jennifer (whom he had ditched for first-runner-up, Herpes Sadie, by the time the series aired) that I am overjoyed to welcome a new Bachelor and a new cheesy theme. Last time as we know the theme was Prince Pet Beautician searching for his Princess to sweep away to a fairy tale castle where they could give dogs facials together and ponder the deeper meaning of love, like keeping it fun. This season the producers have tapped into an 80's movie hit, An Officer and a Gentleman.

This movie is okay if you like young Richard Gere. I was unimpressed the first time I saw it, but I believe I stand in the female minority. It is supposedly very romantic. I thought Richard Gere's character was a total jerk, and that Debra Winger should have hung out for something better to come along - it seems like there were new OCS trainees every few weeks. I just don't think it's that romantic when a guy jerks a girl around for a long time, then decides he may not find anything better, so he gives her a break. Lucky girl. Anyway, I digress. If this season of The Bachelor actually emulates the plot of the movie, we can hope to see the following: An abusive drill instructor, a fake pregnancy, a suicide, and a whole lot of conduct unbecoming an officer and a gentleman. So far we have the theme song "Up Where We Belong" playing relentlessly. You can expect to know it by heart by about episode three.

By Honey Gangsta

ANDY?

Welcome back to The Bachelor! According to formula, we begin with an unnecessarily long recap of last week's episode, including Mayo's introduction, First-Impression-Stephanie getting a rose, and Angry Lindsay causing trouble. Then we have a precap of tonight's episode, including the girls moving into their new digs, nighttime swimming, and some sort of athletic competition. Plus, everyone hates First-Impression-Stephanie because she gets a one-on-one date. This episode is an hour and a half long - mostly due to all of the recaps and precaps.

A Stephanie Sandwich with Mayo

So here we are, back in front of The Bachelor. But what's this? They're showing some strange guy in a military uniform saluting, running, biking - who is this guy? Oh, thanks Chris Harrison, this is Lieutenant Andy Baldwin, our Officer, Gentleman and Bachelor. Also known as Mayo. I forgot what this is all about, so I'm really glad ABC deems fit to reintroduce us every week to this guy and why he's here and why they're here and why we're here. So far there have been ball gowns, swimsuits, races and hot tubs. Smug Stephanie thinks she's going to win and we're down to 12 girls total. Now I remember and I'm ready to go.

If you'll kindly recall, I speculated in episode 1 that if the producers are going to stick to their theme of imitating the movie An Officer and A Gentleman, one of the plot elements would involve an abusive drill sergeant. Never to disappoint, ABC has provided just such a man bright and early this Los Angeles morning. He must be Sergeant Foley, Richard Gere's nemesis... challenger... mentor. Welcome, Sergeant Foley! Sergeant Foley makes his grand entrance standing in the living room next to an amused Chris Harrison and screaming rabidly upstairs to all of the girls to get their butts downstairs because they've had enough beauty sleep.

"It's another week in paradise with me!"

There is a lot of screaming and begging in this week's episode of The Bachelor. Oh, and crying. Lots of crying. Chris starts out by bringing the girls into the living room as usual and telling them that there will be two group dates and one individual date. But what's this? There is no date box on the table. Why is that, you ask? Because the dates will not be taking place in Los Angeles. Everyone is flying to Lake Tahoe! The girls all scream and kick and throw their hands up in the air as if Chris has announced they're going to the moon. The girls run upstairs to continue to scream, jump on their beds, and pack their things. Smug Stephanie tells us that she can definitely handle going to Lake Tahoe. Then she asks where it is. In Oregon? Um, no. I'm no geography expert, but even I knew that Lake Tahoe is part in California and part in Nevada, and I wasn't one of the girls screaming in ecstasy about going there.

"I am one tasty guy."

So tonight completes the group date charades and takes us through that last stretch before the four solo hometown dates. Or as Chris Harrison says, "Who will take an Officer and a Gentleman home to meet their parents?" I think we all already know. But let's drag ourselves through this episode to see if we're right, shall we? We start off at the marina where Mayo is on "his" yacht (Tina) doing pushups on some step railings - shirtless.

Oh, is this supposed to be telling us that Mayo is athletic? I had no idea. I kind of thought that he was into playing video games and writing poetry. I would have never guessed he was an athlete. Go figure. After all the stress of last night's Rose Ceremony, Mayo is looking forward to relaxing with the gals today on the water. So it seems they all get to visit his home this time and see the yacht he bought with his enormous military salary (Tina). The limo pulls up and Amber applauds. Again with the applause for Mayo when all he does is exist. Stop it, Amber. We learn that no roses will be distributed on the group dates this week, so we have to wait for The Ceremony to see who DORs.

It's all fun and games until the Hometown Dates.

This week Mayo has had it with group dating. He needs to get serious and meet these women's families. I guess his resolve last week on the yacht to get serious didn't quite cut it because it was followed by another silly group date of painting a playground. Well no more! We are headed straight to Seriousville to meet some families.

"It's time to see who has no interest in a life of her own."

I can't even count how many times I rolled my eyes during this episode. I lost track at around 600 when I started to worry that my eyeballs would get stuck in the back of my head. Seriously, this episode almost did me in. I don't know how I'll ever make it through two hours of this next week.

All right let's do this thing. Did you know that Mayo is not only a Navy lieutenant, a doctor, an ironman, an astronaut, a Casanova, and an award-winning orator... he is also a surfer? That's right! Just when you thought you'd finally reached the end of his lengthy list of talents, he jumps onto a surfboard in Hawaii and rides some waves. Oh I wish I could meet him! He starts talking in his signature monotone about how he loves Hawaii ("Huh-why" in Mayo talk) more than anything and he sure hopes the final three girls are going to like it as well. After some pensive reflection near the ocean, Mayo drives his jeep over to Pearl Harbor and tells us that this is not about yachts and fancy sports cars - it's about being a U.S. Naval officer. And the gals better love it because the chosen one gets to inherit all of this into her life as well. Remember, this is not about finding a woman who is interesting on her own; this is about finding a woman who will fit seamlessly into Mayo's well-defined life. She'll fall in and like it. During all this we see the same montage that is played at the opening of each episode with Mayo strolling around the base in his uniform and saluting someone. I swear ABC takes a million hours of footage, then decides on the same 30 seconds to replay to us ad naseam.

Which "lucky" lady will go home wearing this?

Tonight's grand finale episode is a marathon. No, not a marathon - a triathlon. It is SOOOO long. Thankfully a lot of it is recycled crap that we've already seen, so I won't be going over that stuff frame by frame - it was bad enough the first time. We start with a montage of how great Mayo is, followed by the most tearful rejection speeches from Bachelorettes. Of course, Amber is the main feature there, sobbing away in the limo. Tonight Bevin and Tessa meet Mayo's family in Pennsylvania and get one last date to pitch their cases. Chris would like us to first take a look at each girl's journey to get to this point, but I'm going to go ahead and forgo that because I remember and that is plenty. At least fast forwarding these redundant montages brings us to minute 7 of our 84 minute triathlon.

Excuse me while I faint from surprise, but according to an article on TMZ.com it seems that The Bachelor Andy "Mayo" Baldwin and his fake fiancée co-winner Tessa Horst have called off their engagement! Moment of silence, please. Well now what? I was clinging to the true and tender televised faux-mance of Mayo and Tessa as the last vestige of true love in a jaded world of cynicism and selfishness. Really, if these two can't make it, what hope is there for the rest of us? Should we just give up now? The silver lining to this cloud of tragedy is, of course, that Mayo is back on the market! Form an orderly line and take a number, ladies because this one's a keeper.

Single and available! Lucky us!

The girls just learned that the Bachelor has a criminal history.

Beloved readers! May I just say that I am thrilled and honored to once again be recapping The Bachelor? Seriously, few other shows lend themselves so perfectly to the sarcastic criticism of a reality television blogger. The show is such a parody of itself by now that the recaps practically write themselves. The entire Bachelor process tickles me to my very core. Despite the absolutely pathetic track record this setup has for creating a successful relationship, girls line up season after season to embark on their own little fairy tale. And there's always a guy willing to be fought over, isn't there? It's all so ridiculously fabulous that I just can't wait to get started. Glad to have you with me!

"One, two, three. Fall in love!"

This week marks the grand beginning of Group Dates for Brad The Bachelor. After getting rid of the seemingly non-promising girls, he's ready to buckle down with girls who are cheerleaders, models, and realtors. And I have to admit that he did, in fact, keep one porta-wife - Hillary who is a nurse. Let's head out into public and let the cat fights begin!

"To the Dizzy Rooster, Jeeves!"

Well I celebrated too soon. Just when I congratulated myself on only having to recap an hour-long show this season, ABC went and stretched The Bachelor back out to an hour and a half. 60 minutes of air time just wasn't enough for the girls to parade around acting jealous and catty, or for Brad to display what an honest, caring, uneducated guy he really is. So here we are back at the Mansion of Desperation with Chris Harrison explaining that this week there will be two group dates, each with a rose at stake, and one single date, where the lucky participant will either get a rose or a kick in the pants. The girls will find out who's going where as the Date Boxes arrive. Oh look at this, a date box has already arrived! McCarten reads out who is invited and earns herself the nickname McTan Lines due to some apparent falling asleep by the pool - in a halter swimsuit. The first group to flaunt their shame will be: Stephy, McTan Lines, Portfolio Jenni, Lindsey the Model, Sarah, and DeAnna. The encrypted note reads: "Join me for an afternoon at the greatest show on earth. -Brad." They all squeal and dig into the box, pulling out what looks like mostly clown wear. One girl gets a clown cookie - lucky! DeAnna tells us that she's excited because she hasn't been to the circus since she was little. There's a reason for that, DeAnna. Lindsey's excited too, but worried that some of the others might have stronger bonds with Brad already. Uh oh, it's time to go to the circus in your underwear and highlight the only thing you have to offer, Lindsey.

"I can't do this without Chad!"

Okay, before I start my weekly shredding session of The Bachelor, I have to take a moment and share my thoughts on Brad. Let's call this Innermost Thoughts with Honey Gangsta...

Who's ready to crash land?

This week on The Bachelor Brad has some tough decisions ahead of him. There are several girls who can definitely see themselves falling in love, and Brad has the most difficult Rose Ceremony yet. Then we see the most dramatic exit ever when Hillary loses her mind - and that is a quote from Chris Harrison. Let's do it!

"Chad says family is most important."

Ah, it's that glorious time again on The Bachelor when we get to take a tour of America via four lucky bachelorettes and their hometowns. Tonight we zig zag all over the map covering Kansas, California, Georgia and Washington D.C.! It seems like there are always girls from California and Washington D.C., doesn't it? Oh ABC, can't you expand your casting net a teency little bit? It would be nice to tour Delaware, or maybe Montana. Anyway...

The seduced.

Hello my beloved readers! I owe you all a grand apology which I am prepared to give right now for being so late on this installment of my thoughts on The Bachelor. I moved this week and if you've ever moved, you know the torturous ordeal I have just been through and know that I feel terrible enough before I even start in on myself with the guilt for my tardiness. The good news is it's over now and I won't ever be this late again! You shall not wait long for my thoughts on the Women Tell All! Thanks for sticking with me. And now for the Fantasy Overnight Dates.

11 of 25 Women and we actually speak to 5.

Here we are at The Bachelor: The Women Tell All. I'm not really sure why they do this except to stretch the season out a little bit longer. Seriously, it should be called The Women Tell Nothing. It's basically a bunch of replaying stuff we've already seen and then the women answering planted questions that no one cares about. There are a couple of new things tonight, and Chad is back, which is sure to be lame, so let's see what happens, shall we?

"What is love?"

Oh my gosh! This truly is the most shocking Final Rose Ceremony ever on The Bachelor. There has been so much hubbub over Brad's decision and so many rumors flying around trying to explain it. I've never been so overwhelmed with the outcome of a reality show! There's a lot to examine in this, our 11th Bachelor finale, so let's get started.

Real men are from England.

Welcome, beloved readers to the 12th and greatest season of The Bachelor! I have missed you so much since my Amazing Race stint. I'm so happy to be back with my favorite of all shows, The Bachelor. This season has been dubbed The Bachelor: London Calling. I'm not really sure why. Is that like Avon calling? Is it like making an international phone call? I don't know. What I do know is that The Bachelor has a British accent, which goes a long way in making a man sexy and also a long way in covering up flaws. I'm just saying. Rita's British accent had Michael Bluth fooled for more than a month. Mr. F.

The girls discover that someone is here for the "wrong" reasons.

Welcome back to The Bachelor! I'm so happy to have you guys with me again! Thank you so much for all of your comments last week. I love having my cohorts along for the ride. This week the girls are really starting to show their personalities, and that's never a good thing. We have an L.A. fashion show, a Vegas casino night, and lots of embarrassing moments. Join me, won't you?

"It's a royal bloody red cah-pet!"

It's another romance and suspense filled episode of The Bachelor! This week Matt dabbles in show business, the girls showcase their athletic ability, and Shayne ponders the origins of the universe. The girls are starting to get possessive and Matt is starting to get generous with his lips. The dates are super special, but there is only one future Mrs. Grant. Let's get one step closer to discovering who she won't be. Cheerio!

It's the "naughty stool" for these two gigglers.

Tonight The Bachelor takes a turn for the serious. But before that happens we have a jolly good English group date and a really dreamy 50's date at a swell diner. Matt continues doling out the kisses, Pouting Robin continues doling out the frowns and Leelee continues doling out her belly button. Grab a strong drink and join me for this week's adventures!

"Lovely weather we're having!"

This week is a big one on The Bachelor. Matt has to decide which girls he will be joining in their own hometowns to meet their families! There's really no way of knowing who his favorites are because he's played tonsil hockey with everyone and thinks they're all "brilliant." Maybe a rousing trip down the ski slopes will provide us with the answers we're looking for. Let's see, shall we?

"I'm so near to fame I can smell it!"

Tonight on The Bachelor Matt goes on his hometown dates! For the first time in Bachelor history, we meet a celebrity father. Okay, maybe not really a celebrity, but at least someone who was on the show "Are You Hot?" No, come to think of it, I've heard the name Lorenzo Lamas many times, but I have to admit, I wouldn't know him even if I ran over him with my car. But I digress. Let's do this!

"Look at all these pine trees!"

Tonight on The Bachelor we head for Barbados to watch three lucky girls give it up in the hopes of being The Chosen One. Poor Matt. He is just so confused because he has such a brilliant connection with three different women and he has no idea how he's going to be able to send one of them away brokenhearted. But you'd better believe he's going to do it! Here we go!

Quick! The women are telling all!

So I tried, I really tried to come up with anything to say about The Bachelor: The Women Tell All, but seriously, there was nothing new. Stacey was back to explain how embarrassed she was about being such a drunken freak show on the first episode and then as an apology gift she gave Matt a pair of granny panties. Marshana showed up in something other than a sari and claimed to be misunderstood, and Robin showed up in a top pretending it was a dress and said it's been fun to watch Matt in the last couple of episodes and see him look so happy. Nice try, Robin.

Such a dork.

The night is finally here! The Bachelor - all the way from London, England - is finally going to make up his mind and propose to his one and only true love. Who will it be? Well, first the two lucky finalists have to try and prove themselves to Matt's British family and then take one last nose dive away from dignity in a final lunge for a rose/ring back in Barbados. Let's get to it!

Aw shucks. I can still fall in love!

Welcome back to The Bachelor! I've been on hiatus and missed you guys! I'm so ready for another round I can hardly stand it. Let's go!

Ah, here we go with week two of The Bachelor. We have whittled it down from the Trashy Twenty Five to the Fortunate Fifteen and this week it's time to start nit picking those ones to death and sending them off one by one, forever ending their chances of ever finding true love. Let's go!

Tonight on The Bachelor, we reenact National Lampoon's Vacation, then Jason feels up eight of the girls and finds out that one of them loves bears. Can't wait? Me neither, come on!

Welcome to The Bachelor! Tonight Jason continues to kiss everybody, but this time he does it in front of everybody. Someone goes camping and almost everybody cries - but not because of the camping, surprisingly. Grab a box of tissue and join me, won't you?

Tonight on The Bachelor there are only two words you need to remember: Seattle and Ty. Got that? Good. Let's go!

Are you all ready for the Hometown Dates on The Bachelor? As a special Valentine's Day present to you all, this recap is extremely tardy. You're welcome.

Hello beloved fans of The Bachelor! As you may or may not know, this last week some rumors started circulating on the interweb involving a Bachelor scandal of epic proportions. I have no idea if the rumors are true and I have no idea if I care if the rumors are true. I don't want to post any spoilers, so I'm just going to keep talking about what ABC deems us so lucky as to view. The truth will come out... eventually... and we'll all have a good laugh when it does. Now off to New Zealand!

Wow, where to start with the latest installation of The Bachelor? Tonight Jason Mesnick blew up in America's face and left grody little pieces of himself all over our TV screens. Let's get started.