This week's episode of The Bachelor had it all: good, bad and ugly. The good? It was a rare one-hour episode. The bad? It was a "reunion" show. The ugly? The behavior of the dumped ho-pefuls. Plus, is it just me, or is the whole idea of having a reunion show before the show is actually over more than a little weird? Can you imagine The Probst hosting a reunion before he tallied the votes for the final time? I believe he'd kick Mark Burnett squarely in the jimmies before agreeing to do something as stupid as that.
Unfortunately, Host Chris Harrison is no Jeff Probst. Hell, he's not even a Paige Davis. So of course he got right to it, telling us this is the most talked about season…ever. And tonight will be the most he's talked in an episode… ever. Lucky us. Next, he reintroduces us to the bevy of bounced B'ettes. All of them wave to the camera with their right hand, except SaraH-eh?, who uses her left. I told you Canadians were weird. Although, knowing her, it's probably because she was holding a blunt in her right.
Next, Host Chris Harrison asks some of the women for their first impressions of Dr. Travis Stork. Jen says he was chiseled and made out of stone. But enough about his personality. Remember that, because it's the last nice thing you'll hear Jen say for the next 50 minutes. Either Jen's riding the "cranky hanky" (my wife's words, not mine), or she's just a camera-hogging biatch. My money's on the latter.
Don't you ever shut up?
Since Susan was the last ho-peful cut, she gets the first visit to the Hot Seat. The interview goes something like this:
Host Chris Harrison: "Everyone seems to be questioning everything about you. So, were you acting?"
Susan: "Of course not. I can't believe you would even ask me something like that. Although if I were, how would you rate my performance?"
HCR: "Even your mom said she thought you were acting. How did that make you feel?"
Susan: "Hold on a second." (Mutters to herself) "Think about dead puppies, think about dead puppies…" (To HCR) "How did it make me feel? Sad. Very sad. Can't you tell by my very real and authentic tears of sadness?"
HCR: "So, everything you said you felt about Travis, that was all real? You weren't acting?"
Susan: "Of course I wasn't acting. I really, really was falling in… Oh shit… Line? Wait, can we do that take again?"
Yup, still ugly.
During Susan's speech, there are audible giggles from the crowd. It's actually pretty funny. Host Chris Harrison opens the floor to questions, and then the real hilarity gets to ensuing. Someone (I'm not sure who) asks Susan if she though this would be a vehicle to get where she needed to be. Susan tells her whatever vehicle gets her to professional happiness, that's what she wants. Ironically, those are the same vows Tom Cruise plans on using at his upcoming nuptials. Two anonymous B'ettes try to come to Susan's defense.
Anonymous B'ette 1: "This is horrible. I don't even know you that well…"
Jen: (Interrupting) "That's why you can't say that much."
Anonymous B'ette 2: "You should show Susan some respect."
Jen: "Don't say anything to me. I don't even know your name."
At that, Host Chris Harrison jumps in and tells the "guys" to stop it. He then turns to Susan and asks why is she crying? What a stupid question. Didn't he hear her talking about the dead puppies?
Next in the Hot Seat is SaraH-eh? Before the questioning starts, we're treated to a montage of her time in the house, which seems to consist of drinking, squeaking and being insanely jealous. This recap really didn't make her look good. Except for the shot of her squeezing her boobs together and talking to them. That looked pretty good. Jen jumps right in and starts ragging on SaraH-eh? for being immature. Her proof? She was playing with her marshmallows on their camping trip. Yeah, and calling someone immature on national TV for playing with their marshmallows is the height of maturity, Jen.
How you doin'?
Speaking of Jenjen, we get some more footage of the camping trip where she was cut, the highlight of which is her crying to the camera: "I whittled my stick and I burned two hot dogs and I broke the stick and I burned three marshmallows and I had bugs running around in the tent and I hated that… I don't know what else I could've done." Uhm, maybe not burn your food, not break your stick and not bitch about the bugs? Although technically, that would be doing less, so maybe you're right…
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Comments (21)
He's picking PlainSaraH.
1 of 21 | Posted by Tracie
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Posted on February 22, 2006 1:53 PM
I just started to watch this show this year and it is really funny! Wow, feminism really has come a long way! Moana is crazy, possible schitzo, Sarah is cool. BTW, What was up with Sarah-ehs face? She couldnt move it. Did anyone else notice or just me? I thimk Cole is prettier than susan and why oh why did Jen think she was the star of the show???
2 of 21 | Posted by mistichristi
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Posted on February 22, 2006 1:59 PM
I hope he picks Sarah. She is the only one who doesn't have a myspace...yet.
Copygodd, I freaking love your captions! "Yup, still ugly." I was thinking the same thing. Yvonne probably has a bigger package than Travis.
Holy crap! Who told Jen that the reunion show was all about her?? What a bitch. I thought she looked familiar before, but now I'm absolutely sure that she's been on a reality show before The Bachelor. What a camera whore!
3 of 21 | Posted by LRo9
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Posted on February 22, 2006 3:05 PM
I think Susan gets a raw deal. Yeah, she's in it for exposure, but I think her "feelings" for Travis are about as sincere as most of the b'ettes on the show. Has any of them, ever, said "this guy's just not for me" and bowed out. Nope, each and every one of them is in it for as long as possible regardless of whether or not they actually like the guy. If they didn't find Susan sufficiently effusive, it's because there's just not a helluva lot going on upstairs. And let's face it her saying "I look forward to fall in love with you" was an infinitely more honest thing to say than Moanica's crying-without-tears Jerry Maguire rehash.
Can't believe the way those bitches were backpeddling. She is seriously nasty. Previews for the finale looks seriously excruciating: "it's like I'm looking into your souls and seeing a reflection of mine"
Jen may have been the bitch ringleader, but Jihad was right behind her, not to mention the bitch eye-rolling talents of Devious/Drunk Melissa and Cole. Poor Kristen. And good for Allie G.
4 of 21 | Posted by chronic
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Posted on February 22, 2006 5:46 PM
"Host Chris Harrison says it sounds like they could do a whole hour of catcalls. Evidently, Host Chris Harrison doesn't realize catcalls are bad. "
I love your recaps copygodd! very funny stuff!
Ok peeps- what up with the Moana hate? Not only have I liked her from the start, but she's the only one left with REAL chemistry with Travis. Sarah is a nice girl, but she's not the one for him. Moana will get the final rose. I don't care what spoilers you've heard or what people say. Moana rocks his socks, and that's the kind of woman he needs. I don't think that he'll propose to her though.
5 of 21 | Posted by zoobabe
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Posted on February 22, 2006 9:35 PM
I wish they would call this show "The Bitches Tell All." I'm sorry, zoobabe, but Moanica is nuts. She is clearly desperate for attention. Her smoking that cigar proves that. It's like every move she makes is calculated to make her look "cool."
Susan is a terrible actress.
Travis is a dork. That dancing would have been enough for me to wanna go home.
copygodd-loved the picture of GoatBoy!
6 of 21 | Posted by Victoria
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Posted on February 22, 2006 11:02 PM
I'm with mistichristi in noticing how strange Sarah-eh? looked. First of all, did she get her boobs done during the show? I swear they were much smaller at the beginning, but maybe it was just the dress. And what happened to her face? She looked so fresh and pretty in the beginning. What happened to her jaw and her eyes?
7 of 21 | Posted by suebee
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Posted on February 23, 2006 6:28 AM
What's NOT up with the Moana hate? She's bugged the crap out of me since I read her bio on the Bachelor website. Where Susan is merely a shallow opportunist, Moana is a pathological narcissist. But mostly I find her cheesetwat (thanks, copygodd) cliches and melodrama not only completely insincere, but just plain excruciating to hear. Seriously, that entire Venice date could be used as an instrument of psychological torture.
8 of 21 | Posted by chronic
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Posted on February 23, 2006 6:38 AM
And from one sista to another:
PLEASE stop signing-up to be on these bachelor-type shows. You will not be chosen!!
I think that one black female in the back row never said a word. If she did, it was while everyone else was speaking and again, she went unnoticed.
9 of 21 | Posted by CaliGirlinGA
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Posted on February 23, 2006 7:38 AM
Jennifer, aka "Jenny Tammaro" was also on the reality show called Single in the City South Beach. She was the bartender from Boston.
I didn't know if it was bugging anyone else- hope this helps someone...I was going crazy!
http://www.we.tv/article?CID=key%3D481%26tzOffset%3D0
10 of 21 | Posted by Doodle
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Posted on February 23, 2006 7:50 AM
Those silly bitches.
11 of 21 | Posted by stacyrocks
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Posted on February 23, 2006 7:54 AM
#10, well done! That's funny, her professional status has gone from "bartender" to "model". Obviously the latter was never even remotely convincing, unless by model she actually means "page three girl".
12 of 21 | Posted by chronic
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Posted on February 23, 2006 8:07 AM
Jen is such a loser. It was pretty sad when she came back with that other chick to interview the girls left and she gave them all a hard time. Why does she have any cred to say who should date travis. And then her bitterness at this reunion special just made her look all the more pathetic.
13 of 21 | Posted by g-child
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Posted on February 23, 2006 12:14 PM
I thought the reunion would be better... Chris Harrison facilitating an Intervention for DrunkTara, perhaps.
14 of 21 | Posted by Tweezers
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Posted on February 23, 2006 12:22 PM
CopyGodd, as per usual your bitter commentary cracks me up each and every time. It's what I live for. However, watch what you say "aboot" Canadians, my pet ... I'm from Toronto.
Looks like Sarah-eh's been dipping head-first into the Botox. Remember when Nicole Kidman's face could actually move and register some assemblance of emotion at one time in history? Same thing with Sarah-eh. Or maybe she's been drinking Antifreeze shooters. It gets mighty cold in Winterpeg from where she hails and let's face it, she's no stranger to a cocktail before 5:00.
As for my vote, I'm going with Moanica. PlainSarah is just plain ugly. If a simmering pot of porridge could speak, it would look a lot like PlainSarah. Sure it's good for you and full of fiber, but just plain boring. Her face is so bland.
CopyGodd, keep up the wicked diatribes. You rock.
15 of 21 | Posted by Love Gravy
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Posted on February 23, 2006 1:23 PM
THANK YOU DOODLES!!! I have been driving myself CRAZY trying to figure out what other reality show Jenny was on since episode one. For some reason I remember her being a lot more attractive (or at least desirable) on Single In the City...
16 of 21 | Posted by LRo9
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Posted on February 23, 2006 2:02 PM
chronic, I am soooo with you on the bachelorettes NEVER saying, "I'm just not that into you." I mean, seriously! You don't just pick a guy at random and decide that you're going to fall in love with him...on second thought, I think lots of girls do that. Especially the ones that the casting department at ABC obviously looks for.
And what is up with ALL of them saying, "He's making a mistake. I should still be in there instead of (insert name)!!!" Um, I'm pretty sure that Travis is the expert on what he wants in a woman and you're just not it. Are you seriously going to try to convince people that you know what Travis wants better than he does?!?!?!?
17 of 21 | Posted by LRo9
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Posted on February 23, 2006 2:24 PM
not to worry, love gravy (#15). i've nothing but love for those in the great white north. i have a really good friend who lives in vancouver, and even though she never reads this site, i'm really just making jokes at her expense.
and thx, victoria (#6). i wasn't sure if anyone would even remember goat boy.
doodle (#10), great catch on jen. although it says on her bio she wanted to be a sportscaster, it sounds more like she wanted to be a miner. cuz she was diggin' for gold! (rimshot)
thx everyone else too.
18 of 21 | Posted by copygodd
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Posted on February 23, 2006 2:36 PM
Aw, copygodd you're the best.
Oh, and LRo9 I posted your myspace links on another forum, and they went down a treat!
19 of 21 | Posted by chronic
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Posted on February 23, 2006 5:06 PM
Great recap. GoatBoy - fell off my chair, tears streaming down my face.
20 of 21 | Posted by Vasha
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Posted on February 24, 2006 2:34 PM
I am still in shock that he picked plain Sarah. W.T.F.!! I think his family hated Moana so much that he decided to dump both. I think Travis is the biggist pussy on t.v. because he let his family talk him out of the woman he wanted. The fact he gave Sarah the ring to put around her neck just means he doesn't want to marry her.
Travis, you're the one that has to live and sleep with your wife - screw what your family says about her. Don't let them choose your wife for you. Go for the love already. You big Doctor pussy. Where's your backbone?
21 of 21 | Posted by MsLooney
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Posted on February 27, 2006 9:40 PM