Of Hard Nipples, Baby Oil And Wet Spots - 
by copygodd
Oy, what a week. To start, let me say thanks for all the comments on my first shot at recapping The Bachelor. I think I got more for that one post than I did on all my RAW recaps combined. No big surprise there. It even got cited on ABC's message boards, which J-Unit, using his best Martha non-emoticons, assures me is a good thing.
Speaking of good things, tonight's episode wasn't. I mean, it wasn't horrible, but it wasn't good, either. Eh, I'm probably just spoiled by last week's rotten eggstravaganza. (Get it? Spoiled? Rotten? My mom's right: I do suck.)
After a quick rundown of last week's action, the remaining ho-pefuls are shown the house where they'll be syncing cycles. At least until Travis decides whether or not they're spongeworthy. Host Chris Harrison tells them there will be two group dates this week, along with one individual date. Since Kristen was given the final rose at the last Rose Ceremony, she gets the first individual date. But before you start hatin' on K-Poem, Host Chris Harrison explains the catch: if Travis decides not to Rose you during the date, you'll immediately be sent home. No bachelor for you!
At that, it's time to open the first Date Box. This one holds a camera, miniature Eiffel Tower, snow globe, toy bus, maps and binoculars. Jennifer reads a card from Travis with the names of the girls who'll be going on this date: Jihad, Cole, Elizabeth, Yvonne and SaraH. "I can't wait to explore Paris with all of you," she reads. "Dash, Travis." Who reads like that? I can't wait to hear the vows at her wedding: "I do. Period."
"I may have gone to med school," Travis tells us before his first group date, "but there's no textbook on how you date five women in a foreign country." No textbook, I'll give him. But surely he's seen Caligula. This first group date turns out to be a double-decker date bus tour of Paris. Yawn. While driving around and drinking wine, Travis asks the girls to name one activity they can't give up. Besides kissing his ass, of course. Jihad says yoga and riding her bike on the beach. Yvonne says shopping, because that's "exercise while looking good." Hey Yvonne, you know what else is exercise while looking good? You. Walking away. Not that Yvonne has a nice tush or anything, I just want her Lisa Rinna-lips off my TV.
During their alone time, Cole tells Travis she's ready to be in a committed relationship. To prove it, she gives him a mini-rose. I bet on their individual date she'll only give him a fingerjob.
Say "Stinky Cheese!"
Meanwhile, back at the house, Kristen is acting goofy (big surprise), and asks the other women to help her make a dress out of toilet paper. Since when did Kristen turn into MacGyver? No wonder I'm strangely attracted to her. She talks to the camera about her upcoming individual date. "I’m feeling excited and... excited," she says. Other things she's feeling: excited.
The second Date Box is delivered. Inside is a note about Kristin's date: a boat ride on the Seine. Or, as the girls pronounce it, the Sen. Maybe it's my Ohio accent shining through, but I always thought it was pronounced Sane. Whatever. I live in Colorado now, so who cares how Ohio pronounces it.
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