The girls just learned that the Bachelor has a criminal history.
Beloved readers! May I just say that I am thrilled and honored to once again be recapping The Bachelor? Seriously, few other shows lend themselves so perfectly to the sarcastic criticism of a reality television blogger. The show is such a parody of itself by now that the recaps practically write themselves. The entire Bachelor process tickles me to my very core. Despite the absolutely pathetic track record this setup has for creating a successful relationship, girls line up season after season to embark on their own little fairy tale. And there's always a guy willing to be fought over, isn't there? It's all so ridiculously fabulous that I just can't wait to get started. Glad to have you with me!
So just as I am recovering from the devastating news of the completely unforeseen breakup of Mayo and Tessa, TMZ bursts my bubble again. Remember Charlie O'Connell-Jerry-O'Connell's-brother? If not I don't blame you, but he was the Bachelor several seasons back and has been touted ever since as one of the few to actually stay with the girl he chose on the show - Sarah, a nurse. Well brace yourself... they broke up. I know, I know, we all thought they would last. Nope. It's so strange... I wonder how many roses have been passed around on this show, and how many limos have been involved. For that matter, how many kisses, tears, proposals, marriages? What's that you say? You're wondering too? Well ABC is going to tell us!
After
956 roses
620 limos
355 crying girls
19 crying little girls (oops I mean men)
167 hot tubs
35 million dollars in diamonds
719 kisses
2 gun toting dads
8 proposals
1 lucrative televised marriage
And 1 baby
Yes, after all that, THIS time it's going to work. It is! IT IS! Do you know why? Because this time the Bachelor is Brad Womack. He's a self made millionaire from Texas. He's not an heir to the Firestone fortune, not an NFL player, not a phony prince of Italy, not even a triathlete. He's just your average joe millionaire looking to get married. Luckily ABC has lined up the craziest bachelorettes ever to go on the most exciting dates in history to fight over the sexiest bachelor to grace our screens, but, as Chris Harrison warns, "In the end, only one woman will become Mrs. Brad Womack." Only one? So we're limiting our millionaire to one marriage only? But what if they grow apart? And even if there is only one marriage in store for our Brad, I'd bet lots of money we don't meet her tonight. But there I go getting skeptical before we even get started. Let's meet this guy, shall we?
"Why won't anyone love me?"
Brad Womack was born in Atlanta, Georgia with a silver spoon in his mouth that was quickly ripped out when his parents got divorced and his mother moved him and his two brothers into a double wide trailer in Texas. At the trailer park Brad learned that his options after high school were either college or the oil fields. He chose the oil fields. Why learn something when manual labor is knocking at your door? After 10 years in the blue collar world, Brad went into business with his smarter brothers who purchased some bars and let him in on the venture - that was nice of them. But after all of these adventures Brad has realized that he is so ready to find his soul mate and be the perfect husband. So ready that he hops right on an open seating Southwest flight to Los Angeles to see what ABC has in store for him - besides discount air travel.
After taking a gratuitous shower at his Malibu mansion Brad is ready for a sit-down with Chris Harrison, master of the obvious. True to form, Chris explains the premise of the show as if there is anyone on earth who doesn't know, and then tells us that before we get more special time with The Bachelor we're going to take a closer look at the dingbats competing for his attention.
"You see, there is one guy and 25 girls..."
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Comments (24)
That was great! You captured these "ladies" perfectly. If you get so drunk that your fake boob falls onto the floor and you keep walking around for 2 hours looking for it....you might be a little too drunk! The girl with her legs behind her head? Wow that just screams take me home to meet your Mama!
Thanks for the laughs, I can't wait til next week!
1 of 24 | Posted by CheriesTake | Posted on September 27, 2007 6:37 AM
OMG, when the girl introduced herself as McCarten??? That was one thing, but the Happy Meal remark cracked me up. Nice recap!
2 of 24 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on September 27, 2007 7:03 AM
Great recap! However, you missed two of my favorite scenes:
1) Bachelorette Jade gushes that Brad has the most gorgeous eyes. Brad smoothly responds that she has a beautiful NAME. Nice.
2) Brad endears himself to me when he cannot quit laughing while talking about the freak show who thought it was a great idea to show off her webbed toes. ha! Plus, did you notice that she kept doing that annoying "I'm watching you" gesture with her fingers up to her eyes???
Keep 'em coming!
3 of 24 | Posted by jpruitt76 | Posted on September 27, 2007 7:14 AM
Great recap! However, you missed two of my favorite scenes:
1) Bachelorette Jade gushes that Brad has the most gorgeous eyes. Brad smoothly responds that she has a beautiful NAME. Nice.
2) Brad endears himself to me when he cannot quit laughing while talking about the freak show who thought it was a great idea to show off her webbed toes. ha! Plus, did you notice that she kept doing that annoying "I'm watching you" gesture with her fingers up to her eyes???
Keep 'em coming!
4 of 24 | Posted by jpruitt76 | Posted on September 27, 2007 7:15 AM
Great recap! However, you missed two of my favorite scenes:
1) Bachelorette Jade gushes that Brad has the most gorgeous eyes. Brad smoothly responds that she has a beautiful NAME. Nice.
2) Brad endears himself to me when he cannot quit laughing while talking about the freak show who thought it was a great idea to show off her webbed toes. ha! Plus, did you notice that she kept doing that annoying "I'm watching you" gesture with her fingers up to her eyes???
Keep 'em coming!
5 of 24 | Posted by jpruitt76 | Posted on September 27, 2007 7:17 AM
Great recap! However, you missed two of my favorite scenes:
1) Bachelorette Jade gushes that Brad has the most gorgeous eyes. Brad smoothly responds that she has a beautiful NAME. Nice.
2) Brad endears himself to me when he cannot quit laughing while talking about the freak show who thought it was a great idea to show off her webbed toes. ha! Plus, did you notice that she kept doing that annoying "I'm watching you" gesture with her fingers up to her eyes???
Keep 'em coming!
6 of 24 | Posted by jpruitt76 | Posted on September 27, 2007 7:17 AM
SORRY - I thought my screen was frozen so I kept pressing post!!!
7 of 24 | Posted by jpruitt76 | Posted on September 27, 2007 7:23 AM
Bless you for the many screencaps!
Is it a prerequisite to be loony-tunes to come on this show? Not to mention, the "ladies" just scream desperate everytime they open their mouths.
And I agree, when Brad couldn't stop laughing while describing that chick, I thought "Yea! Someone with a sense of humor!"
Great recap Honey!
8 of 24 | Posted by KikiC | Posted on September 27, 2007 8:20 AM
I've been reading the site for a very long time, but this was the first time I felt compelled to sign up so I could comment.
Great recap, HG!
You seem to enjoy the silliness of this show as much as I do.
I tend to watch it while I'm excercising, and let me tell you...An hour flies by on the elliptical when you spend it being truly embarrassed for the goofs they find to stock this show.
I agree with jpruitt. There was something endearing about Brad when he was cracking up about the web feet...good sense of humor!
I like this bachelor, and I didn't think I'd feel this way going into the season.
Here's to hoping this season turns out to be a success!
9 of 24 | Posted by ThisShowRocks! | Posted on September 27, 2007 9:31 AM
Great recap... it was so hot I need a fire extinguisher
I dont think this bachelor is going to be as lame as mayo, but i think the girls will all make up for that.
Am I crazy or is kristy possibly the most unattractive bachelorette ever?
10 of 24 | Posted by goosegg1001 | Posted on September 27, 2007 10:06 AM
Great recap... it was so hot I need a fire extinguisher
I dont think this bachelor is going to be as lame as mayo, but i think the girls will all make up for that.
Am I crazy or is kristy possibly the most unattractive bachelorette ever?
11 of 24 | Posted by goosegg1001 | Posted on September 27, 2007 10:08 AM
I don't watch The Bachelor and I thoroughly enjoyed this recap. Great job! The guy truly sounds like a tool. Who makes up their mind to propose before they've even met the headcases, I mean women? I'm not so sure 11th time will be the charm.
12 of 24 | Posted by greeneyes | Posted on September 27, 2007 2:46 PM
I don't watch The Bachelor and I thoroughly enjoyed this recap. Great job! The guy truly sounds like a tool. Who makes up their mind to propose before they've even met the headcases, I mean women? I'm not so sure 11th time will be the charm.
13 of 24 | Posted by greeneyes | Posted on September 27, 2007 3:00 PM
Great recap, HG, and thanks so much for the chart of our dubious "winners" of the evening!
By the way, I'm sure pretzel girl's law firm is so proud of her right now...
14 of 24 | Posted by LoLo | Posted on September 27, 2007 5:18 PM
Great recap, HG! I'm so glad that you are recapping this show again. Your screencaps were hilarious, as usual.
I thought Brad seemed like a decent guy, but I had to wonder about him when he said that Jenni's nonstop laughter really stood out to him, adn that's why he gave her the rose. I thought her laugh was one of the most obnoxious sounds I have ever heard not on animal planet. I'm sure it was all her laugh, and not her rockin body and dance moves that won the sexiest bachelor EVER over.
I also didn't know what Morgan should have been more embarassed about, her webbed feet or the Meet the Parents "I'm watching you" hand gesture. Terrible. And she actually had the balls to call it her "signature move." Ok Webby.
Everytime a girl said something cheesy getting out of the limo I wondered how many times they had rehearsed it and how many nights they spent with girlfriends at home writing out great intro lines that would fetch them the first impression rose!!
Looking forward to the rest of the season.
15 of 24 | Posted by DP Hooker | Posted on September 27, 2007 8:41 PM
Great recap - it's going to be another wild ride!
You know, this isn't the bachelor's first brush with reality TV...he owns the bars (the Dizzy Rooster) that the Real World Austin used to hang out and get drunk in...he has photo section with "celebrities" pictures that have visited (Real World's Cyrus & Alton and Wimar Valdarama)
The website for the Chuggin Monkey bar has a section of "Bachelor Brad" pics if you want to see more pictures and screen caps for the season (no spoilers)
16 of 24 | Posted by snosnam | Posted on September 27, 2007 9:55 PM
Great recap - it's going to be another wild ride!
You know, this isn't the bachelor's first brush with reality TV...he owns the bars (the Dizzy Rooster) that the Real World Austin used to hang out and get drunk in...he has photo section with "celebrities" pictures that have visited (Real World's Cyrus & Alton and Wimar Valdarama)
The website for the Chuggin Monkey bar has a section of "Bachelor Brad" pics if you want to see more pictures and screen caps for the season (no spoilers)
17 of 24 | Posted by snosnam | Posted on September 27, 2007 9:58 PM
Great recap - it's going to be another wild ride!
You know, this isn't the bachelor's first brush with reality TV...he owns the bars (the Dizzy Rooster) that the Real World Austin used to hang out and get drunk in...he has photo section with "celebrities" pictures that have visited (Real World's Cyrus & Alton and Wimar Valdarama)
The website for the Chuggin Monkey bar has a section of "Bachelor Brad" pics if you want to see more pictures and screen caps for the season (no spoilers)
18 of 24 | Posted by snosnam | Posted on September 27, 2007 10:01 PM
I haven't watched the Bachelor since Mr. Longface (aka Alex), so I'm not as jaded as the recapper...yet. :)
I'm gonna watch this season cuz this bachelor is hot and isn't corny. Yes, he said "how are YOU" 134 times, BUT he's definitely sincere and genuine in his quest to find his future wife. (Yes, the ABC promos have successfully brainwashed me.)
19 of 24 | Posted by blahblah | Posted on September 28, 2007 9:16 AM
With a nickname like "Miss Brown Sugar", Rigina must have thought she was going on 'The Flava of Love 2'.
20 of 24 | Posted by foxbasealpha | Posted on September 28, 2007 9:34 AM
Good recap. . . this show is a caricture of itself just like Tom Clancy, ER, and Newport Harbor.
Hey I hate to do ot, but I am anyways. Ding! Ding! here comes the clue train!
By now you posters should know that the system sucks. If it says 500 internal error or what have you then simply re-click the link to the show and see if your comment has posted. Chances are it has.
21 of 24 | Posted by mattypopo | Posted on September 28, 2007 1:11 PM
Doesn't Jenni,the one that got the first impression rose, look A LOT like a younger, taller Katie Couric?
22 of 24 | Posted by foxbasealpha | Posted on September 28, 2007 1:33 PM
Like all the other bachelors, I want a hard-crackin' investigative reporter to dig into Brad's past and ask his former girlfriends why THEY think he's never been married.
23 of 24 | Posted by memememe | Posted on September 29, 2007 12:59 PM
I don't have the time (or the patience) to watch this show, so I love your recaps.
When I read McCarten, I thought of McLovin from Superbad.
24 of 24 | Posted by isabell | Posted on September 30, 2007 4:34 PM