This next montage is hardly worth mentioning, but it includes a bunch of girls doing crunches, jumping on beds, taking showers in full makeup, trying on dresses, and professing their devotion to the as-yet-unseen Bachelor. There is a lot of poofy hair and one HUGE set of fake ta-tas. They're all talking about getting their claws out. Wow, Brad really has his work cut out for him. His soul mate is in there somewhere and he's going to find her!
Aaaaaand here's Brad in his limousine to tell us a little more about himself. More stories from the trailer park? No, just some "Aw, shucks," about being called the sexiest Bachelor ever and some skirting of money issues because his brothers did it all - oh I mean because he wants to find a woman who doesn't care about money of course. He's ready to find a girl who will fit in with his family - shocking, and get ready for this... he has an identical twin brother! What? Oh those crazy ABC producers, what will they think of next? A twin brother? Really? Did he go to college? Hands off, ladies, he's already married. Darn. Anyway, Brad is totally genuine in this, his search for a soul mate and he's positive that he'll propose at the end. Good thinking, Brad, deciding to propose before meeting anyone. His reasoning? He's going into this with an open mind. Chris wishes him luck and chuckles to himself, like he's watching yet another idiot jumping into an empty pool insisting there will be water by the time he lands.
"Sure buddy, it will be totally different for you."
Up next, we all know how this first episode goes. There's no point in getting attached to anyone because there are way too many girls right now and a lot of them won't make it past tonight. We spend the next 20 minutes or so watching each of them emerge from a limousine to show off their dresses and say something flattering to Brad, who just repeats, "How are YOU?" 25 times. No - more than that because he usually says it two or three times to each girl. Awkward. I'll handle this with highlights.
• Jenni is a Phoenix Suns dancer. Gee I wonder if she'll stay. It could be a problem though because she's not a porta-wife. You can't be a Phoenix Suns dancer just anywhere and I'm pretty sure Brad's bars are in Texas.
• Kim, who is wearing a tie-dyed lampshade, comes out barefoot so she won't be taller than Brad.
• Jessica says, "You know they told me you were hot, but I didn't know I'd need a fire extinguisher - woo!" I wonder how many hours she spent writing that out last night.
• Rigina claims to be named Miss Brown Sugar - reminding Brad of his token quota.
• Erin promises a story about breaking her face.
• Tauni is a nurse - porta-wife! "I can be a nurse anywhere!"
• DeAnna is wearing blatant black and white horizontal stripes that Clinton and Stacy would never approve of. She introduces herself in Greek. Nice touch.
• There is a girl named McCarten. She claims it's Irish, but it sounds more like milk you'd get in a Happy Meal.
• Solisa is the girl with the huge fake rack. She also looks like she may have had some work done on her face. She's 25 for crying out loud.
• Hillary is another nurse - porta-wife! "I can be a nurse anywhere!"
• Lori is a teacher - porta-wife! "I can teach anywhere!"
That's it. The rest blend together to me, so let's move inside to watch the girls pull out all the stops to make Brad remember them. But first, Chris tells Brad he has to give one girl the First Impression Rose so that we can have our first smug girl of the season. Brad walks in and I almost go deaf because all of the girls start screaming. Nothing says classy lady like screaming your head off when a guy walks by. This next part is a series of desperate attempts so I'm going to do another list of highlights:
"Who, me? Desperate?"
• Kristy performs what she calls a "tongue diagnosis" on Brad. She is an acupuncturist and looks at least part Asian, so okay, I'll play along. Brad sits there with his tongue hanging out and all Kristy comes up with is that he's under some stress. Hang on while I check the yellow pages to find my neighborhood acupuncturist and make an appointment. They clearly work miracles!
"Let's see... you're also male."
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Comments (24)
That was great! You captured these "ladies" perfectly. If you get so drunk that your fake boob falls onto the floor and you keep walking around for 2 hours looking for it....you might be a little too drunk! The girl with her legs behind her head? Wow that just screams take me home to meet your Mama!
Thanks for the laughs, I can't wait til next week!
1 of 24 | Posted by CheriesTake | Posted on September 27, 2007 6:37 AM
OMG, when the girl introduced herself as McCarten??? That was one thing, but the Happy Meal remark cracked me up. Nice recap!
2 of 24 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on September 27, 2007 7:03 AM
Great recap! However, you missed two of my favorite scenes:
1) Bachelorette Jade gushes that Brad has the most gorgeous eyes. Brad smoothly responds that she has a beautiful NAME. Nice.
2) Brad endears himself to me when he cannot quit laughing while talking about the freak show who thought it was a great idea to show off her webbed toes. ha! Plus, did you notice that she kept doing that annoying "I'm watching you" gesture with her fingers up to her eyes???
Keep 'em coming!
3 of 24 | Posted by jpruitt76 | Posted on September 27, 2007 7:14 AM
Great recap! However, you missed two of my favorite scenes:
1) Bachelorette Jade gushes that Brad has the most gorgeous eyes. Brad smoothly responds that she has a beautiful NAME. Nice.
2) Brad endears himself to me when he cannot quit laughing while talking about the freak show who thought it was a great idea to show off her webbed toes. ha! Plus, did you notice that she kept doing that annoying "I'm watching you" gesture with her fingers up to her eyes???
Keep 'em coming!
4 of 24 | Posted by jpruitt76 | Posted on September 27, 2007 7:15 AM
Great recap! However, you missed two of my favorite scenes:
1) Bachelorette Jade gushes that Brad has the most gorgeous eyes. Brad smoothly responds that she has a beautiful NAME. Nice.
2) Brad endears himself to me when he cannot quit laughing while talking about the freak show who thought it was a great idea to show off her webbed toes. ha! Plus, did you notice that she kept doing that annoying "I'm watching you" gesture with her fingers up to her eyes???
Keep 'em coming!
5 of 24 | Posted by jpruitt76 | Posted on September 27, 2007 7:17 AM
Great recap! However, you missed two of my favorite scenes:
1) Bachelorette Jade gushes that Brad has the most gorgeous eyes. Brad smoothly responds that she has a beautiful NAME. Nice.
2) Brad endears himself to me when he cannot quit laughing while talking about the freak show who thought it was a great idea to show off her webbed toes. ha! Plus, did you notice that she kept doing that annoying "I'm watching you" gesture with her fingers up to her eyes???
Keep 'em coming!
6 of 24 | Posted by jpruitt76 | Posted on September 27, 2007 7:17 AM
SORRY - I thought my screen was frozen so I kept pressing post!!!
7 of 24 | Posted by jpruitt76 | Posted on September 27, 2007 7:23 AM
Bless you for the many screencaps!
Is it a prerequisite to be loony-tunes to come on this show? Not to mention, the "ladies" just scream desperate everytime they open their mouths.
And I agree, when Brad couldn't stop laughing while describing that chick, I thought "Yea! Someone with a sense of humor!"
Great recap Honey!
8 of 24 | Posted by KikiC | Posted on September 27, 2007 8:20 AM
I've been reading the site for a very long time, but this was the first time I felt compelled to sign up so I could comment.
Great recap, HG!
You seem to enjoy the silliness of this show as much as I do.
I tend to watch it while I'm excercising, and let me tell you...An hour flies by on the elliptical when you spend it being truly embarrassed for the goofs they find to stock this show.
I agree with jpruitt. There was something endearing about Brad when he was cracking up about the web feet...good sense of humor!
I like this bachelor, and I didn't think I'd feel this way going into the season.
Here's to hoping this season turns out to be a success!
9 of 24 | Posted by ThisShowRocks! | Posted on September 27, 2007 9:31 AM
Great recap... it was so hot I need a fire extinguisher
I dont think this bachelor is going to be as lame as mayo, but i think the girls will all make up for that.
Am I crazy or is kristy possibly the most unattractive bachelorette ever?
10 of 24 | Posted by goosegg1001 | Posted on September 27, 2007 10:06 AM
Great recap... it was so hot I need a fire extinguisher
I dont think this bachelor is going to be as lame as mayo, but i think the girls will all make up for that.
Am I crazy or is kristy possibly the most unattractive bachelorette ever?
11 of 24 | Posted by goosegg1001 | Posted on September 27, 2007 10:08 AM
I don't watch The Bachelor and I thoroughly enjoyed this recap. Great job! The guy truly sounds like a tool. Who makes up their mind to propose before they've even met the headcases, I mean women? I'm not so sure 11th time will be the charm.
12 of 24 | Posted by greeneyes | Posted on September 27, 2007 2:46 PM
I don't watch The Bachelor and I thoroughly enjoyed this recap. Great job! The guy truly sounds like a tool. Who makes up their mind to propose before they've even met the headcases, I mean women? I'm not so sure 11th time will be the charm.
13 of 24 | Posted by greeneyes | Posted on September 27, 2007 3:00 PM
Great recap, HG, and thanks so much for the chart of our dubious "winners" of the evening!
By the way, I'm sure pretzel girl's law firm is so proud of her right now...
14 of 24 | Posted by LoLo | Posted on September 27, 2007 5:18 PM
Great recap, HG! I'm so glad that you are recapping this show again. Your screencaps were hilarious, as usual.
I thought Brad seemed like a decent guy, but I had to wonder about him when he said that Jenni's nonstop laughter really stood out to him, adn that's why he gave her the rose. I thought her laugh was one of the most obnoxious sounds I have ever heard not on animal planet. I'm sure it was all her laugh, and not her rockin body and dance moves that won the sexiest bachelor EVER over.
I also didn't know what Morgan should have been more embarassed about, her webbed feet or the Meet the Parents "I'm watching you" hand gesture. Terrible. And she actually had the balls to call it her "signature move." Ok Webby.
Everytime a girl said something cheesy getting out of the limo I wondered how many times they had rehearsed it and how many nights they spent with girlfriends at home writing out great intro lines that would fetch them the first impression rose!!
Looking forward to the rest of the season.
15 of 24 | Posted by DP Hooker | Posted on September 27, 2007 8:41 PM
Great recap - it's going to be another wild ride!
You know, this isn't the bachelor's first brush with reality TV...he owns the bars (the Dizzy Rooster) that the Real World Austin used to hang out and get drunk in...he has photo section with "celebrities" pictures that have visited (Real World's Cyrus & Alton and Wimar Valdarama)
The website for the Chuggin Monkey bar has a section of "Bachelor Brad" pics if you want to see more pictures and screen caps for the season (no spoilers)
16 of 24 | Posted by snosnam | Posted on September 27, 2007 9:55 PM
Great recap - it's going to be another wild ride!
You know, this isn't the bachelor's first brush with reality TV...he owns the bars (the Dizzy Rooster) that the Real World Austin used to hang out and get drunk in...he has photo section with "celebrities" pictures that have visited (Real World's Cyrus & Alton and Wimar Valdarama)
The website for the Chuggin Monkey bar has a section of "Bachelor Brad" pics if you want to see more pictures and screen caps for the season (no spoilers)
17 of 24 | Posted by snosnam | Posted on September 27, 2007 9:58 PM
Great recap - it's going to be another wild ride!
You know, this isn't the bachelor's first brush with reality TV...he owns the bars (the Dizzy Rooster) that the Real World Austin used to hang out and get drunk in...he has photo section with "celebrities" pictures that have visited (Real World's Cyrus & Alton and Wimar Valdarama)
The website for the Chuggin Monkey bar has a section of "Bachelor Brad" pics if you want to see more pictures and screen caps for the season (no spoilers)
18 of 24 | Posted by snosnam | Posted on September 27, 2007 10:01 PM
I haven't watched the Bachelor since Mr. Longface (aka Alex), so I'm not as jaded as the recapper...yet. :)
I'm gonna watch this season cuz this bachelor is hot and isn't corny. Yes, he said "how are YOU" 134 times, BUT he's definitely sincere and genuine in his quest to find his future wife. (Yes, the ABC promos have successfully brainwashed me.)
19 of 24 | Posted by blahblah | Posted on September 28, 2007 9:16 AM
With a nickname like "Miss Brown Sugar", Rigina must have thought she was going on 'The Flava of Love 2'.
20 of 24 | Posted by foxbasealpha | Posted on September 28, 2007 9:34 AM
Good recap. . . this show is a caricture of itself just like Tom Clancy, ER, and Newport Harbor.
Hey I hate to do ot, but I am anyways. Ding! Ding! here comes the clue train!
By now you posters should know that the system sucks. If it says 500 internal error or what have you then simply re-click the link to the show and see if your comment has posted. Chances are it has.
21 of 24 | Posted by mattypopo | Posted on September 28, 2007 1:11 PM
Doesn't Jenni,the one that got the first impression rose, look A LOT like a younger, taller Katie Couric?
22 of 24 | Posted by foxbasealpha | Posted on September 28, 2007 1:33 PM
Like all the other bachelors, I want a hard-crackin' investigative reporter to dig into Brad's past and ask his former girlfriends why THEY think he's never been married.
23 of 24 | Posted by memememe | Posted on September 29, 2007 12:59 PM
I don't have the time (or the patience) to watch this show, so I love your recaps.
When I read McCarten, I thought of McLovin from Superbad.
24 of 24 | Posted by isabell | Posted on September 30, 2007 4:34 PM