• Jenni shakes her booty in Brad's face to drill it home that she is a professional cheerleader. Since Brad's education ended in high school he still thinks that cheerleaders represent the highest social status and he gives her the First Impression Rose. Great, a smug cheerleader.
"Rah, rah, ree! The first rose is for me!"
• Lindsey the tone-deaf model presents Brad with a yellow rose and then proceeds to butcher the "Yellow Rose of Texas" song.
Honey, you're a model. Your talent is walking.
• Porta-wife Tauni gets a bit sloshed and decides to show Brad a "dance move" which is actually just her bending over for him to admire her butt cheeks. She even says, "Pow!" while shifting her weight from one cheek to the other. How does all that class fit into one room?
"I learned this at Juilliard."
• Juli puts on some leggings and pulls both legs behind her head to show Brad that she would be dynamite in bed. I have no idea why anyone would think this is sexy. It looks like a sideshow.
Raise your hand if you find this attractive.
• Melissa gets completely wasted and loses one of her boob cutlets. Then she sits down with Brad to slur out a string of nonsensical sentences that each contain two or three repetitions of the word "sweetness."
• Morgan takes off her shoes to show Brad that she has webbed toes on both feet. Sideshow #2 in The Bachelor's three ring circus.
• Mallory changes out of her gown and sacrifices hours of hair and makeup to slink around in the pool trying to convince Brad to take his pants off and join her. He doesn't.
After the girls all put on matching costumes and perform a choreographed number in front of the pool while fireworks go off behind them (just kidding, y'all!), Brad steps inside with Chris Harrison to take stock of all the talent he got to see tonight. They just repeat everything we saw and Brad reaffirms that he is positive his future wife is here... but if he sends the wrong one home he will regret it for the rest of his life!
And now for the roses! This is the hardest thing Brad has ever had to do in his entire life, in case you were wondering. So besides the smug cheerleader, here are the gals who get roses:
To my absolute astonishment, none of the porta-wives got roses. This must be a Bachelor first! Not even porta-wife Tauni's butt cheeks were enough to convince Brad. She wonders to the camera what she could have possibly done differently. Gee, I have no idea. Offering your rear end to a guy's face usually does the trick. To no one's astonishment, neither of the freak shows got roses. Neither did the tie-dyed lampshade. Several of the rejects cry and bawl because this is the first time a guy has ever turned them down. Just hang tight, girls. Everyone inside will also get rejected eventually. Even the girl who wins! Brad toasts to a grand adventure - like the ones he had in the oil fields. Cheers!
This season the girls are here looking for true love. Brad is looking for a girl who is athletic and sexy, so he is definitely completely different from any other Bachelor ever. Don't worry because it looks like he's going to wear the Tony Manero Saturday Night Fever suit like the other Bachelors, too.
Who's bringing sexy back?
Something special Brad is going to do is bring in his twin brother to see if the girls love him enough to tell the difference. Puh-lease. Even I can already tell and I'm sitting in the dark half-asleep. We have another ambulance this season when a girl collapses from dehydration on the stairs. Okay, so I was wrong about the dehydration last season, I better keep my mouth shut. Anyway, it's going to be another horrific season of cat fights, bikinis, absurd elaborate dates and tears. Can't wait to see who makes the biggest fool of herself (besides Brad) this season on The Bachelor!
Do tell me your thoughts!
Thanks for reading!
-Honey Gangsta
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Comments (24)
That was great! You captured these "ladies" perfectly. If you get so drunk that your fake boob falls onto the floor and you keep walking around for 2 hours looking for it....you might be a little too drunk! The girl with her legs behind her head? Wow that just screams take me home to meet your Mama!
Thanks for the laughs, I can't wait til next week!
1 of 24 | Posted by CheriesTake | Posted on September 27, 2007 6:37 AM
OMG, when the girl introduced herself as McCarten??? That was one thing, but the Happy Meal remark cracked me up. Nice recap!
2 of 24 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on September 27, 2007 7:03 AM
Great recap! However, you missed two of my favorite scenes:
1) Bachelorette Jade gushes that Brad has the most gorgeous eyes. Brad smoothly responds that she has a beautiful NAME. Nice.
2) Brad endears himself to me when he cannot quit laughing while talking about the freak show who thought it was a great idea to show off her webbed toes. ha! Plus, did you notice that she kept doing that annoying "I'm watching you" gesture with her fingers up to her eyes???
Keep 'em coming!
3 of 24 | Posted by jpruitt76 | Posted on September 27, 2007 7:14 AM
Great recap! However, you missed two of my favorite scenes:
1) Bachelorette Jade gushes that Brad has the most gorgeous eyes. Brad smoothly responds that she has a beautiful NAME. Nice.
2) Brad endears himself to me when he cannot quit laughing while talking about the freak show who thought it was a great idea to show off her webbed toes. ha! Plus, did you notice that she kept doing that annoying "I'm watching you" gesture with her fingers up to her eyes???
Keep 'em coming!
4 of 24 | Posted by jpruitt76 | Posted on September 27, 2007 7:15 AM
Great recap! However, you missed two of my favorite scenes:
1) Bachelorette Jade gushes that Brad has the most gorgeous eyes. Brad smoothly responds that she has a beautiful NAME. Nice.
2) Brad endears himself to me when he cannot quit laughing while talking about the freak show who thought it was a great idea to show off her webbed toes. ha! Plus, did you notice that she kept doing that annoying "I'm watching you" gesture with her fingers up to her eyes???
Keep 'em coming!
5 of 24 | Posted by jpruitt76 | Posted on September 27, 2007 7:17 AM
Great recap! However, you missed two of my favorite scenes:
1) Bachelorette Jade gushes that Brad has the most gorgeous eyes. Brad smoothly responds that she has a beautiful NAME. Nice.
2) Brad endears himself to me when he cannot quit laughing while talking about the freak show who thought it was a great idea to show off her webbed toes. ha! Plus, did you notice that she kept doing that annoying "I'm watching you" gesture with her fingers up to her eyes???
Keep 'em coming!
6 of 24 | Posted by jpruitt76 | Posted on September 27, 2007 7:17 AM
SORRY - I thought my screen was frozen so I kept pressing post!!!
7 of 24 | Posted by jpruitt76 | Posted on September 27, 2007 7:23 AM
Bless you for the many screencaps!
Is it a prerequisite to be loony-tunes to come on this show? Not to mention, the "ladies" just scream desperate everytime they open their mouths.
And I agree, when Brad couldn't stop laughing while describing that chick, I thought "Yea! Someone with a sense of humor!"
Great recap Honey!
8 of 24 | Posted by KikiC | Posted on September 27, 2007 8:20 AM
I've been reading the site for a very long time, but this was the first time I felt compelled to sign up so I could comment.
Great recap, HG!
You seem to enjoy the silliness of this show as much as I do.
I tend to watch it while I'm excercising, and let me tell you...An hour flies by on the elliptical when you spend it being truly embarrassed for the goofs they find to stock this show.
I agree with jpruitt. There was something endearing about Brad when he was cracking up about the web feet...good sense of humor!
I like this bachelor, and I didn't think I'd feel this way going into the season.
Here's to hoping this season turns out to be a success!
9 of 24 | Posted by ThisShowRocks! | Posted on September 27, 2007 9:31 AM
Great recap... it was so hot I need a fire extinguisher
I dont think this bachelor is going to be as lame as mayo, but i think the girls will all make up for that.
Am I crazy or is kristy possibly the most unattractive bachelorette ever?
10 of 24 | Posted by goosegg1001 | Posted on September 27, 2007 10:06 AM
Great recap... it was so hot I need a fire extinguisher
I dont think this bachelor is going to be as lame as mayo, but i think the girls will all make up for that.
Am I crazy or is kristy possibly the most unattractive bachelorette ever?
11 of 24 | Posted by goosegg1001 | Posted on September 27, 2007 10:08 AM
I don't watch The Bachelor and I thoroughly enjoyed this recap. Great job! The guy truly sounds like a tool. Who makes up their mind to propose before they've even met the headcases, I mean women? I'm not so sure 11th time will be the charm.
12 of 24 | Posted by greeneyes | Posted on September 27, 2007 2:46 PM
I don't watch The Bachelor and I thoroughly enjoyed this recap. Great job! The guy truly sounds like a tool. Who makes up their mind to propose before they've even met the headcases, I mean women? I'm not so sure 11th time will be the charm.
13 of 24 | Posted by greeneyes | Posted on September 27, 2007 3:00 PM
Great recap, HG, and thanks so much for the chart of our dubious "winners" of the evening!
By the way, I'm sure pretzel girl's law firm is so proud of her right now...
14 of 24 | Posted by LoLo | Posted on September 27, 2007 5:18 PM
Great recap, HG! I'm so glad that you are recapping this show again. Your screencaps were hilarious, as usual.
I thought Brad seemed like a decent guy, but I had to wonder about him when he said that Jenni's nonstop laughter really stood out to him, adn that's why he gave her the rose. I thought her laugh was one of the most obnoxious sounds I have ever heard not on animal planet. I'm sure it was all her laugh, and not her rockin body and dance moves that won the sexiest bachelor EVER over.
I also didn't know what Morgan should have been more embarassed about, her webbed feet or the Meet the Parents "I'm watching you" hand gesture. Terrible. And she actually had the balls to call it her "signature move." Ok Webby.
Everytime a girl said something cheesy getting out of the limo I wondered how many times they had rehearsed it and how many nights they spent with girlfriends at home writing out great intro lines that would fetch them the first impression rose!!
Looking forward to the rest of the season.
15 of 24 | Posted by DP Hooker | Posted on September 27, 2007 8:41 PM
Great recap - it's going to be another wild ride!
You know, this isn't the bachelor's first brush with reality TV...he owns the bars (the Dizzy Rooster) that the Real World Austin used to hang out and get drunk in...he has photo section with "celebrities" pictures that have visited (Real World's Cyrus & Alton and Wimar Valdarama)
The website for the Chuggin Monkey bar has a section of "Bachelor Brad" pics if you want to see more pictures and screen caps for the season (no spoilers)
16 of 24 | Posted by snosnam | Posted on September 27, 2007 9:55 PM
Great recap - it's going to be another wild ride!
You know, this isn't the bachelor's first brush with reality TV...he owns the bars (the Dizzy Rooster) that the Real World Austin used to hang out and get drunk in...he has photo section with "celebrities" pictures that have visited (Real World's Cyrus & Alton and Wimar Valdarama)
The website for the Chuggin Monkey bar has a section of "Bachelor Brad" pics if you want to see more pictures and screen caps for the season (no spoilers)
17 of 24 | Posted by snosnam | Posted on September 27, 2007 9:58 PM
Great recap - it's going to be another wild ride!
You know, this isn't the bachelor's first brush with reality TV...he owns the bars (the Dizzy Rooster) that the Real World Austin used to hang out and get drunk in...he has photo section with "celebrities" pictures that have visited (Real World's Cyrus & Alton and Wimar Valdarama)
The website for the Chuggin Monkey bar has a section of "Bachelor Brad" pics if you want to see more pictures and screen caps for the season (no spoilers)
18 of 24 | Posted by snosnam | Posted on September 27, 2007 10:01 PM
I haven't watched the Bachelor since Mr. Longface (aka Alex), so I'm not as jaded as the recapper...yet. :)
I'm gonna watch this season cuz this bachelor is hot and isn't corny. Yes, he said "how are YOU" 134 times, BUT he's definitely sincere and genuine in his quest to find his future wife. (Yes, the ABC promos have successfully brainwashed me.)
19 of 24 | Posted by blahblah | Posted on September 28, 2007 9:16 AM
With a nickname like "Miss Brown Sugar", Rigina must have thought she was going on 'The Flava of Love 2'.
20 of 24 | Posted by foxbasealpha | Posted on September 28, 2007 9:34 AM
Good recap. . . this show is a caricture of itself just like Tom Clancy, ER, and Newport Harbor.
Hey I hate to do ot, but I am anyways. Ding! Ding! here comes the clue train!
By now you posters should know that the system sucks. If it says 500 internal error or what have you then simply re-click the link to the show and see if your comment has posted. Chances are it has.
21 of 24 | Posted by mattypopo | Posted on September 28, 2007 1:11 PM
Doesn't Jenni,the one that got the first impression rose, look A LOT like a younger, taller Katie Couric?
22 of 24 | Posted by foxbasealpha | Posted on September 28, 2007 1:33 PM
Like all the other bachelors, I want a hard-crackin' investigative reporter to dig into Brad's past and ask his former girlfriends why THEY think he's never been married.
23 of 24 | Posted by memememe | Posted on September 29, 2007 12:59 PM
I don't have the time (or the patience) to watch this show, so I love your recaps.
When I read McCarten, I thought of McLovin from Superbad.
24 of 24 | Posted by isabell | Posted on September 30, 2007 4:34 PM