Real men are from England.
Welcome, beloved readers to the 12th and greatest season of The Bachelor! I have missed you so much since my Amazing Race stint. I'm so happy to be back with my favorite of all shows, The Bachelor. This season has been dubbed The Bachelor: London Calling. I'm not really sure why. Is that like Avon calling? Is it like making an international phone call? I don't know. What I do know is that The Bachelor has a British accent, which goes a long way in making a man sexy and also a long way in covering up flaws. I'm just saying. Rita's British accent had Michael Bluth fooled for more than a month. Mr. F.
Well it seems that Great Britain has reached a major crisis. There are no more women in the United Kingdom. This crucial shortage has led to the arrival in America of towering international banker Matt Grant. Matt is quite assured of his amazing sense of humor as he looks into the camera and tells us, "I am here to steal your women," and then bursts into satisfied laughter. Bloody good joke, old boy! And speaking of old boys, our treasured Chris Harrison returns to introduce us to lucky Bachelor Number 12. We see a montage of Matt jauntily leaping and twirling through the streets of London, umbrella in hand, just like Mary Poppins. He also gets into an English cab, walks in slow motion down the street gazing at the lack of women, and craps on Hugh Grant for destroying American women's view of Englishmen. If I were you, Matt, I'd rethink that theory and send Hugh Grant a gift basket pronto. Ever hear of Notting Hill? Mr. Grant did you an enormous favor.
"Bloody hell, where are all the women?"
It seems that Matt grew up in a town called Bishop's Stortford (how very English) and didn't really come into his looks until young adulthood.
Aaawwkward...
...Hello!
Matt was apparently a fun surprise for his aging parents as he was born about 18 years after his next-oldest sibling. Oops. He shot up into a 6' 5" giant and went on to attend Cambridge University where he rowed and played rugby, cricket and soccer (football he insists on calling it). He didn't have much time left to study, but somehow managed to become a banker anyway. His firm wins the regional cricket match every season thanks to him. Matt tells us that he's not a traditional banker because people are entrusting him with large amounts of money - remember that, large, and trust is the most important thing to him - besides rowing, rugby, cricket, soccer and large amounts of money. He tells us that his life is brilliant, but he's missing true love. He wants to hurry up and find someone so he doesn't end up an old geezer having kids like his father. He may only be 27, but he is genuinely ready to snatch up an American and bring her back to London. No, she won't get to have a life of her own, she'll get to be a part of his.
Since Southwest doesn't fly internationally, ABC sends Matt on a cargo ship over from England and then from New York to Los Angeles via Greyhound. He is super excited because what Brit wouldn't want to date 25 beautiful American women? American women are independent, confident, strong, amazing, double jointed, etc. All the while Matt is buttoning his shirt, picking out a tie, and getting in his ABC company car to drive over and meet Chris Harrison.
"So I said if they gave me a raise this big,
I would host Season 12."
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Comments (13)
single? but i saw his pics with a girl on intimatemingle.com which is a dating site for interracial singles. i think they are dating? do you believe it?
1 of 13 | Posted by shangshine | Posted on March 20, 2008 8:55 PM
This comment above me made me laugh out loud and I don't even know why. All I could think about was Dawali and Matt Grant, and Michael Scott was also involved.
Really funny recap - i was so excited to see that you are recapping again.
Shayne/Anna Nicole comments were hilarious. I also that that little pink dress from Vegas looked like a really really angry baby in the face. Weird.
I didn't mind Matt that much; I actually thought it was funny that he said he usually armwrestles only women, and they usually have to be pregnant. That part with him humping the phone booth when the lady walked out of it was a little unsettling though. Maybe he was trying to go to the Ministry of Magic!
What is up with these girls impressing the bachelor with arm wrestling and clarinet playing?? The worst had to be the girl who was "really good" at rocks/papers/scissors. Oh really? You're really good at a game that requiress no intellect or skill? How are you still single???
Looking forward to the rest of the season!
2 of 13 | Posted by DP Hooker | Posted on March 20, 2008 9:19 PM
I would much rather read your blog than watch the show (way more entertaining.) Keep it coming Honey Gangsta!
3 of 13 | Posted by HBabe | Posted on March 21, 2008 10:57 AM
I would much rather read your blog than watch the show (way more entertaining!) Keep it coming Honey Gangsta.
4 of 13 | Posted by HBabe | Posted on March 21, 2008 10:59 AM
They keep repeating that Matt is the first international bachelor, but wasn't there an Italian prince on a few years ago?
5 of 13 | Posted by BRaps | Posted on March 21, 2008 12:52 PM
This is my first time watching The Bachelor from the beginning. Boy howdy am I apparently in for some fun.
Great recap. I loved that drunk woman with the panties. Bet she felt wonderful at her Northwestern grad school watching party (or wherever she's from).
I also kept thinking of Brad Womack, and the two women he jilted at the end of last season. Do you think he's watching this one?
6 of 13 | Posted by Memememe | Posted on March 21, 2008 1:21 PM
This was my favorite line of the whole show:
Marshana: "I don't want to say anything negative, but...Stacey's a bitch. I'm sorry. She's loud, belligerent, tasteless, tacky, classless, she's riding my nerves like a pony!" And she has her eyes closed with passion.
Hmm, that does like someone who doesn't want to say ANYTHING negative.
This sounds like someone I've been having to spend time with - I don't want to sound like I'm....but here I go doing it.
7 of 13 | Posted by gnomecorp | Posted on March 21, 2008 5:04 PM
You know the producers encouraged the ladies before they even arrived to impress the bachelor with their special skills (ie rock paper scissors) hahaha. So they pack their clarinet and aluminum beer can.
I wonder if they also encourage them to wear long prom dresses. There's a way to be cute in a little cocktail dress - no need for the floor length wedding dresses for their TV Debut.
I'm undecided about Matt Grant. I think his douchy-ness might be awkward goofiness which I am a big fan of. But its too soon to tell. They've all pretty much sucked, so not sure what can be diff this time.
8 of 13 | Posted by gnomecorp | Posted on March 21, 2008 5:14 PM
My god, where do they get these women?
At the same time, I had to feel for the panty lady, as you know, I think I would drink too much at the party as well, and try to french the Bachelor or something.
I mean, don't you want him to remember you?
Well, yes of course, that is why I will now play "If I Were A Rich Man" on the spoons and do an interpretive dance expressing my feelings about the sub-mortgage thing.
Wow.
This is going to be fun.
9 of 13 | Posted by FuriousFlipper | Posted on March 22, 2008 10:02 PM
I love your blog! This is my favorite Bachelor show so far and I can't wait to follow with you for this season too!
10 of 13 | Posted by CW San Diego | Posted on March 23, 2008 10:56 PM
I swear I'm not making this up. I have a deaf Australian Shepherd (he has a real name, but most people just call him "Deaf Dog"). Anyway, I'm sitting here watching episode 2, with Deaf Dog sleeping at the other end of the couch. Then Carrie starts her opera singing and Deaf Dog all of a sudden pops his head up and looks around the room in confusion. I think Carrie's opera was so high pitched and awful that even a deaf dog couldn't stand it.
11 of 13 | Posted by lucy990 | Posted on March 24, 2008 7:56 PM
This dude is terrible... he's not cute and seems to have no personality. These girls aren't that cute either (so I guess it's a good match!). I think we're in for a boring season but we'll see.
12 of 13 | Posted by couchpotato | Posted on March 25, 2008 3:07 PM
OMG, Lucy990 I'm laughing my ass off picturing your dog trying to figure out how he can find/silence that hellified noise! ("What in the hell...?")
Great recap, Honey G!! Every season I swear I'm going to wean myself off of watching this stupid show, but I fear that I'm hooked yet again. *sigh*
I'm curious to see how far the token "sista" gets...we always seem to be cut in the very first rounds, alas.
13 of 13 | Posted by snarky | Posted on March 26, 2008 9:56 PM