Hello Chris Harrison! What's that you say? Love has no borders? That is so profound. This is the first Bachelor ever to actually cross a border to find true love. And now it's time for lucky us to meet English Gentleman Matt Grant... again. Matt pulls up in the pouring rain and hops out to have a chat with Chris. Chris manages to extract from Matt that he's nervous and excited. Great sleuthing skills, Chris. Oh wait, there's more. Matt's happy to be in America because it means he's out of his comfort zone and being tested. Guess what else. Matt is a banker - he works in finance. Also there are no women in London. Finally a new question: What does Matt think the American women will like about him? Well Chris, he hopes they "dig" his stupid sense of humor (he really says that), his height, and his British side. Would that be the left or the right? Sorry, I got distracted. Chris asks if the cultural differences will get in the way of love. Oh for pete's sake. He's not from Namibia for crying out loud, he's from England! The only closer to American he could get is by coming from Canada (don't go there, ABC). Luckily Matt realizes that there's not that much cultural difference between England and America, except that we say tom-a-toe, and he says tom-ah-toe. That was your best example, Matt? Not biscuit, torch, bonnet, pussy? Anyway, now for more repeat information. He's the youngest of five boys, all of whom are married (and much older), but he feels no pressure to be married (welcome to the male sex, Matt). At last, something new! Matt has been in love before! Sadly the timing wasn't right, but happily, right now the timing is perfect. He's ready to believe in fate and find his woman. More repeat information, but enough of that. Let's go meet the bachelorettes!
And now it's time for the Parade of Desperation. Per tradition, I will include a list of highlights since there is way too much to care about during this first episode. We lead in by watching a limo pull up and hearing all kinds of shrieking and squealing as the Bachelor shows himself for the first time.
- Amy is a nanny and when she steps out of the limo she actually stops and poses with her hand on her hip before twirling up to Matt to demonstrate that the back of her dress is almost non-existent. Then she makes Matt twirl and compliments his bum.
"Feast your eyes on this!"
- Chelsea is a pharmaceutical rep and challenges Matt to an arm wrestle. Then she walks through the door and screams.
- Erin H. is an event planner and apparently she's already planning the event of her wedding because she waves a huge fake engagement ring in Matt's face and tells him it's a placeholder until he gives her a real one. That trick works for me every time.
- Denise is a former Bush aide, which implies that she's unemployed.
- Erin S. is a hot dog vendor from Venice, CA, which is actually my fantasy job. If only Wienerschnitzel had a benefits package.
- Leelee Sobiesky is apparently single and looking because she pops out of the limo in a tiny gold dress claiming to be Ashlee, a singer/songwriter from Florida.
You were great in Deep Impact.
- Shayne is an actress from Malibu who is evidently on some sort of sedative because she is talking in slow motion and does a little shimmy while thanking Matt for complimenting her dress. When Matt tells her he won't forget her if she can name his hometown, she fingers her chest and says, "That's the only way you won't forget me?" Someone knows how to work the casting couch.
- Marshana thinks it is Diwali because she is dressed in an elaborate gold sparkling sari, complete with jewels cascading down her forehead. Her heritage consists of Brooklyn, New York, and she proudly tells Matt that she made her costume herself. And I personally, can't think of a more appropriate time for her to wear it.
"No, I'm not from Bangladesh. Why?"
- Amanda P. is a law student in Vegas wearing a hot pink prom dress from the 80's. She hands Matt a hot pink stuffed dice to remind him of Vegas... and her dress.
- Holly from Ohio is not nervous, for your information.
- When Tiffany tells Matt she lives in San Francisco he tells her he wants to get one of the trams. Brits don't say "trolley" because that is what you push around at the supermarket and put your groceries in.
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Comments (13)
single? but i saw his pics with a girl on intimatemingle.com which is a dating site for interracial singles. i think they are dating? do you believe it?
1 of 13 | Posted by shangshine | Posted on March 20, 2008 8:55 PM
This comment above me made me laugh out loud and I don't even know why. All I could think about was Dawali and Matt Grant, and Michael Scott was also involved.
Really funny recap - i was so excited to see that you are recapping again.
Shayne/Anna Nicole comments were hilarious. I also that that little pink dress from Vegas looked like a really really angry baby in the face. Weird.
I didn't mind Matt that much; I actually thought it was funny that he said he usually armwrestles only women, and they usually have to be pregnant. That part with him humping the phone booth when the lady walked out of it was a little unsettling though. Maybe he was trying to go to the Ministry of Magic!
What is up with these girls impressing the bachelor with arm wrestling and clarinet playing?? The worst had to be the girl who was "really good" at rocks/papers/scissors. Oh really? You're really good at a game that requiress no intellect or skill? How are you still single???
Looking forward to the rest of the season!
2 of 13 | Posted by DP Hooker | Posted on March 20, 2008 9:19 PM
I would much rather read your blog than watch the show (way more entertaining.) Keep it coming Honey Gangsta!
3 of 13 | Posted by HBabe | Posted on March 21, 2008 10:57 AM
I would much rather read your blog than watch the show (way more entertaining!) Keep it coming Honey Gangsta.
4 of 13 | Posted by HBabe | Posted on March 21, 2008 10:59 AM
They keep repeating that Matt is the first international bachelor, but wasn't there an Italian prince on a few years ago?
5 of 13 | Posted by BRaps | Posted on March 21, 2008 12:52 PM
This is my first time watching The Bachelor from the beginning. Boy howdy am I apparently in for some fun.
Great recap. I loved that drunk woman with the panties. Bet she felt wonderful at her Northwestern grad school watching party (or wherever she's from).
I also kept thinking of Brad Womack, and the two women he jilted at the end of last season. Do you think he's watching this one?
6 of 13 | Posted by Memememe | Posted on March 21, 2008 1:21 PM
This was my favorite line of the whole show:
Marshana: "I don't want to say anything negative, but...Stacey's a bitch. I'm sorry. She's loud, belligerent, tasteless, tacky, classless, she's riding my nerves like a pony!" And she has her eyes closed with passion.
Hmm, that does like someone who doesn't want to say ANYTHING negative.
This sounds like someone I've been having to spend time with - I don't want to sound like I'm....but here I go doing it.
7 of 13 | Posted by gnomecorp | Posted on March 21, 2008 5:04 PM
You know the producers encouraged the ladies before they even arrived to impress the bachelor with their special skills (ie rock paper scissors) hahaha. So they pack their clarinet and aluminum beer can.
I wonder if they also encourage them to wear long prom dresses. There's a way to be cute in a little cocktail dress - no need for the floor length wedding dresses for their TV Debut.
I'm undecided about Matt Grant. I think his douchy-ness might be awkward goofiness which I am a big fan of. But its too soon to tell. They've all pretty much sucked, so not sure what can be diff this time.
8 of 13 | Posted by gnomecorp | Posted on March 21, 2008 5:14 PM
My god, where do they get these women?
At the same time, I had to feel for the panty lady, as you know, I think I would drink too much at the party as well, and try to french the Bachelor or something.
I mean, don't you want him to remember you?
Well, yes of course, that is why I will now play "If I Were A Rich Man" on the spoons and do an interpretive dance expressing my feelings about the sub-mortgage thing.
Wow.
This is going to be fun.
9 of 13 | Posted by FuriousFlipper | Posted on March 22, 2008 10:02 PM
I love your blog! This is my favorite Bachelor show so far and I can't wait to follow with you for this season too!
10 of 13 | Posted by CW San Diego | Posted on March 23, 2008 10:56 PM
I swear I'm not making this up. I have a deaf Australian Shepherd (he has a real name, but most people just call him "Deaf Dog"). Anyway, I'm sitting here watching episode 2, with Deaf Dog sleeping at the other end of the couch. Then Carrie starts her opera singing and Deaf Dog all of a sudden pops his head up and looks around the room in confusion. I think Carrie's opera was so high pitched and awful that even a deaf dog couldn't stand it.
11 of 13 | Posted by lucy990 | Posted on March 24, 2008 7:56 PM
This dude is terrible... he's not cute and seems to have no personality. These girls aren't that cute either (so I guess it's a good match!). I think we're in for a boring season but we'll see.
12 of 13 | Posted by couchpotato | Posted on March 25, 2008 3:07 PM
OMG, Lucy990 I'm laughing my ass off picturing your dog trying to figure out how he can find/silence that hellified noise! ("What in the hell...?")
Great recap, Honey G!! Every season I swear I'm going to wean myself off of watching this stupid show, but I fear that I'm hooked yet again. *sigh*
I'm curious to see how far the token "sista" gets...we always seem to be cut in the very first rounds, alas.
13 of 13 | Posted by snarky | Posted on March 26, 2008 9:56 PM