Shayne is very excited to introduce Matt to her mom, Michele, and her sister, Dakota. She tells us she's not going to hide the fact that she's from a broken home. Oh thanks a lot, Shayne. I would have been so much more comfortable if Lorenzo Lamas had been at your mom's house "acting" like they were still a couple. As they enter the house, Dakota comes hopping up wearing the latest trend of the young rich set. The hippie/Native American headband. The kind that is on top of your hair all the way around your head. I've seen this here, on "The Hills," and "The Real Housewives of New York City." I'm not a fan, but I'm sure I'll eventually be seduced by the trendy whippersnapping set and start tying crap around my head too. Just now, as I'm minding my own business puzzling over my headbanding future, I glance up at the television screen and literally scream. The most horrendously surgically altered person I've ever seen has just stepped into view. And it's Shayne's mother.
Shayne in 20 years... or 10.
Aside from the cosmetic disaster that is Michele, every inch of the house is covered in leopard skin, except for an embroidered pillow that reads, "So many men - so few who can afford me." Aw, did Michele make that at last month's quilting bee? Instead of bursting into tears and running for his life, Matt tells us that he's "kind of digging" this whole scene. Ah, the price you pay for fame. Or to be a groupie to your daddy-in-law. He even snuggles with a small white dog wearing a pink tutu. I wish I were kidding. For dinner Michele serves British fare - including roast beef and Yorkshire pudding, but she dodges Matt's questions about learning to cook these things. I'm guessing Michele called Wee Britain for delivery service. I'm also starting to figure out where Shayne learned her bright pink makeup habits.
Michele takes Matt into a bedroom (!) and shows him a home video of Shayne dancing on a stage some years ago. She's actually really good and Michele keeps bragging and bragging. Matt is totally entranced. He's having visions of his own little girls becoming Vaudeville hoofers, then blooming into shameless Hollywood climbers and ending as leather handbags wearing fuchsia lipstick. The smile can not be wiped off of his face. Elsewhere Shayne and Dakota discuss love and Shayne says she can't say at the moment that she loves Matt, but she "can see herself falling in love with him." Oh brother. I thought Dakota was going to sit Matt down and tell him all these glorious things about Shayne.
Halo in training?
Michele asks Matt how he feels about Shayne's career and he tells her it's just wonderful. Hmm, those same thoughts didn't apply when discussing Leelee's wandering singing career, did they Matt? Michele wants to know how Matt will handle watching Shayne on screen kissing another man and I want to know how Matt will handle it when it happens in real life. This is so ludicrous and Matt can hardly rip himself away at the end. He has had such a "brilliant" time. This guy is so transparent. He's ready to pick out the space for his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Need we go on?
Waking up from the Lamas nightmare, we now enter Durango, Colorado to meet Chelsea's family. Matt tells us that he's still worried about how much Chelsea is actually willing to let loose and show her emotions, but I think at this point he's just looking for reasons to dump everyone and move to Hollywood with Shayne, Michele and Dakota. Chelsea is waiting for Matt in six feet of snow when he arrives and she jumps up and squeals when she sees him. She sits Matt down and warns him that she doesn't see her family often, so she gets emotional when they reunite. Chelsea's parents live in one of those planned communities where every house looks exactly the same and you have to use your garage door opener to locate your own home. As we meet Dad Kerry and Mom Addie Chelsea tells us that she highly admires their marriage and hopes to have one like it someday. Over dinner Chelsea tells about Matt's sarcastic sense of humor and how much fun they've had together. Dad Kerry wants to know if Matt came on "The Bachelor" to meet 25 women, or to meet the one right woman. Ugh, here comes Matt's speech again about his aging father. Zip it, Matt, you're here to marry into fame.
"I'm not toasting to you un-famous people."
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Comments (13)
I just have to say that Lorenzo Lamas is very cool. He played the jock that Sandy dated to make Danny jealous in Grease. So even though I wouldn't recognize him and am not familiar with any of his other acting gigs, in my eyes being in Grease makes you very cool.
Love all your recaps HG!!
1 of 13 | Posted by rt12345 | Posted on April 24, 2008 10:36 AM
It didn't even occur to me that the producers were involved with the big practical joke at Amanda's house! Duh.
Seems like quite a risk for her to take. What if Matt had gotten pissed off?
(By the way, Durango is way south in Colorado and Loveland is north of Denver.)
2 of 13 | Posted by lirpa | Posted on April 24, 2008 11:30 AM
so...wait. is the finale next week? or the week after? or was it last week? liars!
3 of 13 | Posted by efk2020 | Posted on April 24, 2008 12:21 PM
I can't watch the show because it is such a hot mess. It never works out for anyone. I guess half the fun is watching the women put themselves out there like that on TV.
Shayne's mom --eek!
Honey Gangsta, you save me the hour each week I waste on other horrible stuff. I am hooked on your recaps.
4 of 13 | Posted by bbjunkie | Posted on April 24, 2008 12:39 PM
You are SOO right when you say "the moment he's been looking forward to second most from the beginning - sleeping with Shayne."
And I forgot about Lorenzo Lamas being the jock Sandy dated in Grease. It must have been because of his blonde hair for the part. I used to watch Lorenzo in Falcon Crest when I was young. I think his acting career peaked right about that time.
Shayne's mom was truly a sight to behold. Creepy. And if those ridiculous headbands ever DO become trendy, I'm scared.
Great recap, Honey!
5 of 13 | Posted by KikiC | Posted on April 24, 2008 1:16 PM
I was wondering if Lorenzo even knew Shayne existed before being asked by the producers to come on this show.
Did I hear correctly that her mom said Shayne bought her that house ?
6 of 13 | Posted by Brenda Walsh | Posted on April 24, 2008 5:54 PM
HATE Shayne. Hate hate hate. Since day one. She's acting, and not even well. That whole family charade made me ill.
And I'm with you Honey G, on Shayne's mother...I laughed, I cringed, I laughed again.
7 of 13 | Posted by Snarky | Posted on April 24, 2008 6:30 PM
Hurray for Gnomecorp mention!!
Oh wow - what an episode. Amanda's real parents had seriously like 2 minutes of on air, I wonder if the producers knew they would be a snoozefest so they had to mix it up with the actors.
I actually didn't really know they were actors for a few minutes because I fast forwarded through the commercials, and lately I've been cutting into the show a bit fast forwarding cause it has become that intolerable. So I was right there with Matt, thinking this was for real. But surely after she grabbed his nipple, I realized this was not right.
Also...with Shayne's mom, I kept watching Matt if he was avoiding looking at the freaky mess she was, I mean, I can only imagine how bad that must have looked like mere inches from your eyeballs. But he wasn't. He looked right at her, several times.
I have to say, this was one of the funniest recaps this season - made me laugh out loud several times. Well done HG!!
8 of 13 | Posted by gnomecorp | Posted on April 25, 2008 3:37 PM
Not finished the recap but funny so far...
I do have a nitpick, though. In recapping the LL/Matt scene, you totally left out how LL acted like his earlier comment about Shayne being a fame whore was a fake-out. He mentioned that if Shayne's feelings for Matt weren't real, then she wouldn't have defended them after LL called her out on just being on The Bachelor for exposure. And you left out the whole "I'm here for YOU, Matt" Shayne speech.
9 of 13 | Posted by blahblah | Posted on April 26, 2008 7:34 AM
Brenda - When Matt got to Shayne's his voice over included the interesting tidbit that Shayne bought her mom's house.
The acting parents bit was weird; it seems like he didn't spend much time w/Neep's real folks.
I think he'll pick Shayne.
10 of 13 | Posted by C MacKenzie | Posted on April 26, 2008 5:51 PM
Great job HG.
You are hilarious. The show however, was a real snoozer except for Shayne's mom...YIKES!!! The actor parents were just plain embarrassing.
I bet on Shayne too.
Thanks for the laughs.
11 of 13 | Posted by malimar | Posted on April 26, 2008 10:28 PM
Now, I was under the impression from the episode-before-last that the hiccup chick told Matt that her parents lived in a trailer. Or maybe that was another girl? So maybe the folks were just too white trash to get air time on this utterly sophisticated quest for true romance.
12 of 13 | Posted by itchy | Posted on April 27, 2008 9:49 AM
Now that it's all over, I was a little surprised Shayne made it to the final 2, much less the "winner." She just rubs me the wrong way and I guess I thought Matt would've eventually felt that way. And 1 comment about Colorado, my home: There could definitely be 6ft of snow in Durango at Chelsea's parents' place, and be 70deg and dry in Loveland where Noelle lives. These towns are worlds apart in terms of environment: Durango lies in the SW mountains and is a near 9-hour drive from Loveland in the flatter part of the NE foothills.
13 of 13 | Posted by sarahuccs | Posted on May 13, 2008 8:37 AM