[Providing coverage of The Bachelor this season is jadedbitch.]
I was very gunshy about watching another season of the Bachelor/Bachelorette series after the last catastrophe known as Jen Schefft. However, I was persuaded by friends to tune in to Monday night's premiere, when the fledgling program decided to enlist the help of fledgling actor Charlie O'Connell to help inject some life into its already six feet under franchise. Or perhaps it was the other way around? For those who don't already know, this round of The Bachelor stars the younger brother of actor Jerry O'Connell.
Some of Jerry's credits include: Stand By Me, the TV show My Secret Identity, Jerry Maguire, Tomcats, and who can forget the Fox series Sliders? Yeah, he's kinda b-list, but then what does that make Charlie? C-list? D? E? F? Some of Charlie's credits include: ....er,...we'll get back to this.
The gaggle of girls poised to throw themselves at the bachelor include Kara (a 26 yo MILF!), Kindle, not to be confused with kindling, Krisily, not to be confused with... prissily, Kristina, not to be confused with Kristine, Kristine, not to be confused with Kristina, Kyshwan, she's one of the only non-white folk on the show so there's no reason for you to confuse her with anyone, and last but not least in the KKK category, Kimberly, a bit of a hooch who hails from none other than Edmonton, Alberta, CANADA! Alright, Edmonton, representin! (Yes, I'm Canadian.)
But wait, what's this? Another Edmontonian on the show? WTF! This Jenny ain't from the block, nay, she too is from Edmonton! For the Canada illiterates, Edmonton is located in the province (we don't have states) of Alberta, which is right next to British Columbia, which is... oh never mind. Edmonton is a bit of a hole and its only claim to fame is this gigantic mall aptly named the West Edmonton Mall, and it boasts a water park, a theme park, and multiple outlets of the same store. Other than that, the city is known for its amazingly long and cold winters. Even Jenny slags it in her bio by saying the reason she can't meet a man is cause she lives in Edmonton!
Other girls on parade include Brenda who describes herself as foxy, but comes off more as boxy and Sarah B., the resident Bible-thumper. Yay, religion! Another Canadian infiltrating the scene is Debby from Thornhill, Ontario. Even I don't know where that is. What's with all these smalltown Canadian girls making it onto national American television? We then have Gina Marie, who is not to be confused with Teena Marie, though I bet the two of them could whip out a great rendition of Lovergirl. "I just want to be your lovergurrrrl!" If that won't win the Bachelor's heart, then I don't know what will.
They're trying to spice things up this season. Twist #1 is that there are no limos and no dressy gowns ˆ the Bachelor wants to meet the girls as is, therefore we shall wake them all up at 8:30am and give them a mere five minutes to get ready! Wow, this show is crazy! Some of those girls haven't even unplugged their vibrators yet! What will they think of next?
We were treated to scenes of the ladies getting dressed, brushing their teeth, and then running down the halls of the hotel to get to the big meeting room in time. One girl put on her bikini before doing her 5 minute sprint, while others barely had time to put on their underwear! I personally liked the girl who admitted to not having showered the day before! Yay to no showering!! "I don't run for men," uttered Danushka, the fashion model from LA, who strolled down the halls in her heels and shades. Show her a vial of cocaine however, and she's doing a marathon!
The girls all met host Chris Harrison who told them to expect the unexpected and that this season will be totally different from any other. You mean it might actually be good? Cut to a home video of Charlie talking about why he's doing the Bachelor and oh, meet my semi-famous brother that I LIVE WITH. WTF!?
After the video montage, Charlie comes out to meet the gals, who all sigh and swoon over him. I actually don't find him that good looking or great. How do they pick these women to make sure they would actually like him? Oh right, they all checked off "Desperate" on the application form.
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Comments (24)
This show seriously blows and is beneath tvgasm to review.
If ABC wanted to make the show into a hobagfest, they could have at least edited it to ruthlessly make fun of these tramps (as in Joe Millionaire). Instead, we get the same old lameness, just with skankier girls.
1 of 24 | Posted by Soriner | Posted on March 30, 2005 12:51 AM
"Not pee play!" HAHAHAHAH!
You know how sometimes when you watch people making asses out of themselves, you have to avert your eyes? Yeah, I hid my eyes a lot while watching this mess.
And I loved it!
Gaitan reminds me of Andrea Zuckerman.
And crazy poet/bikini model was creee-heee-heeepy!
The thing is, I think the Charlie dude seems like he might *actually* be a nice guy, but the man loves him some boobs and beers. Can't wait til next week!
2 of 24 | Posted by Jess | Posted on March 30, 2005 5:52 AM
hahahahahah!! what a night of great tv... i usually boycott The Bachelor/Bachelorette because it is usually crap, but for some reason (maybe the great bud i was smokin') it was classic!!.. i actually think Charlie is hot.. he's got that charisma thing going.. and the girls are extra trasherific this time.. can't wait to see the hair flying.. btw Thornhill Ontario is a suburb of Toronto (where i live).. it is basically buttfuck nowheretown.
3 of 24 | Posted by mariana | Posted on March 30, 2005 7:18 AM
The "Don't nix the minority in the first episode" rule being violated - - that is spot on. I don't even know why the producers even continue to cast blacks for these shows.
Maybe they want to make themselves feel good by providing a minority with a free vacation.
I'm sure at this point that the other girls instantly feel better about their chances when they see a black girl. They know there's at least one person who they'll do better than.
4 of 24 | Posted by Oaktree | Posted on March 30, 2005 8:11 AM
ok this show was so bad it was good... although i can't believe they managed to get 2 hours' worth put on air... and did u notice when geitan was blubbering about how the bar scene just was not "her"-- she goes "maybe it was twen- ten years ago"---- no shit! because you're saying you're 30 years old, which maybe you were, about TEN years ago! the bitch looks older than my mom!! get a grip, and purchase your 8 cats and rocking chair now, because it ain't gonna get any better...
5 of 24 | Posted by tootired | Posted on March 30, 2005 8:23 AM
Mariana, pass the bud!
6 of 24 | Posted by jaded | Posted on March 30, 2005 9:23 AM
I'm in
7 of 24 | Posted by darkstar | Posted on March 30, 2005 9:41 AM
I believe next seasons Bachelor is going to be Darrel Baldwin (2nd cousin by adoption). While the bachelorette is most likely going to be the famous Ami Foster, you know, the chick who played Margeaux Kramer on Punky Brewster.
MYL
8 of 24 | Posted by madeyoulaugh | Posted on March 30, 2005 9:43 AM
Jaded, welcome back. Great recap to get things started.
I'm really looking forward to the open discussion at the Rose Ceremony. That has the potential to be truly stellar.
And the bunk beds are classic. You know those girls were fulling expecting the super plush set up. Ha ha.
With visions of Trish flitting through my mind I was sorry to see the other bitchy model get cut so soon. Ah, what could have been...
9 of 24 | Posted by mountain girl | Posted on March 30, 2005 10:11 AM
Did anyone notice Kyshwan was one of the girls profiled on Single in the City, Vegas?
10 of 24 | Posted by hazie | Posted on March 30, 2005 10:53 AM
hey jaded.. you know i always have a draw for you.. hey Oaktree.. free vacation for the black girl? you never know.. charlie may have a raging case of jungle fever.. what is the saying? 'the darker the berry...' so true! black don't crack.
11 of 24 | Posted by mariana | Posted on March 30, 2005 11:19 AM
Okay, so I was soooo NOT going to watch this season of the bachelor, especially after the mess that was last season. I wish they didn't go into the season pretending that any of these guys have any desire to get married. What a joke. I sincerely think Charlie is a cool guy, but he is going to get a TON of ass, and obviously has already picked his favorite. Thank God for tivo so I can fast forward through all the lame shite and get to the girls calling each other sluts at the end of the show! Smithie luvs it!
VIVA le Bachelor!!
12 of 24 | Posted by smithie | Posted on March 30, 2005 12:53 PM
This show sucks ass...but for some friggin' reason I keep getting sucked into it. The only positive is TiVo allows me to fast-forward through most of it and I'm done with an entire 2-hours or show in about 25 minutes. "Foxy Brenda" should have called herself "Nosy Brenda!"
13 of 24 | Posted by snarko | Posted on March 30, 2005 3:15 PM
Is it just me or is this guy the biggest tool on
TV since the dad on Small Wonder?
14 of 24 | Posted by sissy | Posted on March 30, 2005 6:59 PM
Not only do I wonder why they bother with the token black girl-why bother with the brunettes. I think Bitch Eliminated #3 said it best, "I guess you don't like brunettes."
I, however do like train wrecks, and this promises to be an especially good one.
15 of 24 | Posted by Victoria | Posted on April 1, 2005 12:49 AM
Being from Canada (small town Kelowna BC...Wohoo!) Umm...I have to say that I'm embaressed by the selection of girls representing us (I mean c'mon!!)...I swear we're not all pathetic bimbos that need a free ticket out of rural canada.
As for Charlie...well he is pretty "down to earth", so I'm hoping for a better show than that homely Jen Scheft presented us with (what a joke..) I'm putting my money on Kristen the teacher.
16 of 24 | Posted by melisa | Posted on April 1, 2005 8:30 AM
Who do you think will get a rose this coming Monday?
17 of 24 | Posted by kathleen | Posted on April 1, 2005 11:26 AM
anybody who's blond will get through...he's made that apparent.
18 of 24 | Posted by melisa | Posted on April 1, 2005 1:23 PM
HEy does ne one know wat the "creppy" bikini kristine does ne one know her alst name or her e-mail address im not a stalker i jsu tthink maybe nto for sur ei could have a try with her cuz she is sweet kind and carein and defidently hot!!! i love her face!!!!! e-mail me if ne one knows ne thign bout her hottienick4u@yahoo.com,photo_dude15@yahoo.com,nick_man_55@hotmail.com
19 of 24 | Posted by Nick Higgins | Posted on April 1, 2005 10:16 PM
Nick--Dude are you trying to pull a April Fools joke? Are you illiterate? Learn how to friggin' spell!!!!
20 of 24 | Posted by D.M.P. | Posted on April 1, 2005 10:40 PM
omg. this show is gonna be thr reality version of MTV's celeberity death match. requirements to get in? blonde hair, dont meet them? buy some dye and label yourself DESPERATE.
21 of 24 | Posted by ashley | Posted on April 2, 2005 9:26 PM
omg. this show is gonna be thr reality version of MTV's celeberity death match. requirements to get in? blonde hair, dont meet them? buy some dye and label yourself DESPERATE.
22 of 24 | Posted by ashley | Posted on April 2, 2005 9:27 PM
The thing I don't understand about this is, that half these girls are pretty young. What 23 year old has had such a rough dating career that they feel the need to be an ass on national television.
thats desperation
23 of 24 | Posted by curlypacks | Posted on April 3, 2005 1:11 PM
You'd be suprised....young and desperate seem to go hand in hand these days. Have you seen the young hoochies in the clubs lately?? if I ever need a good laugh I'll either go to the clubs or watch this show..
24 of 24 | Posted by melisa | Posted on April 4, 2005 11:36 AM