"Look at all these pine trees!"
Tonight on The Bachelor we head for Barbados to watch three lucky girls give it up in the hopes of being The Chosen One. Poor Matt. He is just so confused because he has such a brilliant connection with three different women and he has no idea how he's going to be able to send one of them away brokenhearted. But you'd better believe he's going to do it! Here we go!
Matt starts out by gloating to the camera that he is going to be the luckiest jerk in Barbados because he gets to be there with not just one, but three dumb girls to fall all over him. He then explains that the overnight dates are different because they are longer and more intimate. Thanks for the newsflash, Matt.
"You see, they last all night, and it's just the two of us..."
Shayne is up first and Matt says that all the concerns he had about Shayne have disappeared. You know, all that worry that she is a silly, dramatic actress-type... nonsense! Now he just wants to make sure that they work as a couple. Shayne comes squealing up wearing a ginormous floppy hat and announces to Matt, "We're in Barbados!" We are? Shayne would never have imagined it, but she is really 100% falling in love with Matt. They hop on some wave runners and Shayne tells us that this is the first time she's been out of the USA. What? Haven't Lorenzo Lamas' child support checks been large enough to occasion a European tour? Christmas in St. Barts? What gives? Anyway Shayne and Matt have been given this huge inflatable trampoline platform that goes in the water, so Shayne jumps up on it and gives us the most important moment in the daytime portion of this date:
Seriously, we might as well skip to the final rose.
They make out in the water and then Shayne asks Matt if there are palm trees in London. Ah yes, balmy tropical London. Who doesn't winter in London? Is this girl for real? Has she ever even seen a globe? I mean, do you really have to travel to London to know that it isn't palm-tree-prone? Matt even accuses her of already knowing the answer to that question, but Shayne insists she doesn't, and I, for one, believe her. Matt says that tonight he wants to spend time with "Serious Shayne," because he wants to see less of her blonde act and more of the intelligent independent woman. Is that honestly why he's hanging on to her? He's convinced himself that the vacancy is just a blonde act? Why are guys honestly this retarded? I guess they're listening to their loudest brain, and it's not the one in their heads.
Shayne says that if she doesn't tell Matt certain things she'll regret it, but if she does tell him she'll be pleased. Oh goody, let's find out what these wonderful things could possibly be. Turns out Shayne is going to teach Matt all about stage-kissing. Like you have to tilt your head a certain way and you never use tongue. Matt pretends to be Brad Pitt - as if Shayne would ever be cast opposite Brad Pitt - and they practice stage-kissing. Except Matt uses tongue. This is so meaningful. Matt says he loves seeing this side of her - you know, the intelligent side - and Shayne admits that she loves being blonde. She's been blonde since she was 13. Wow, glad we cleared that up and got past the blonde act. Now Matt suggests discussing the American elections. Shayne answers thus: "Listen. As far as politics goes, you know I'm smart Matt. You know I know what's going on in the world and I'm intellectual. Is that how you say that word?" Wow, I was wrong. Shayne obviously has very articulate views on things like the economy and global terrorism. Then she claims she really did know that there are no palm trees in London. B.S.!
Shayne tells Matt that she has an announcement, but first she needs to know if he is seriously considering being with her. Matt tells her that when he looks into her eyes he sees someone he could seriously be with [for the night]. Yes, I clarified by adding that last part in. He says that Shayne is his little monkey, which is an animal I would love to be compared to. Shayne almost whispers, "I'm falling in love with you." They do some noisy kissing and then Matt whips it out - the fantasy card, that is.
No, no Matt. Don't get up.
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Comments (17)
amanda called him a douchebag. even if i were deaf i'd still know my douchebags.
1 of 17 | Posted by theinternetsensation | Posted on April 30, 2008 11:20 PM
Thanks, IS, for clearing that up, because I thought maybe she said "shithead". Good at reading lips, not so much.
2 of 17 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on May 1, 2008 3:41 AM
Douchebag! Hah! Classy!
3 of 17 | Posted by Scarlet | Posted on May 1, 2008 5:45 AM
lol.! Yes, she called him a douchebag, my fave curse word lately.. I've always wanted a bachellorette to use that word on the bachelor!!! I was pleasantly surprised bland Amanda did that...!
4 of 17 | Posted by duckncvr | Posted on May 1, 2008 6:05 AM
Is douchebag a curse word? I'm surprised they bleeped that.
This episode was weird for me. I don't get Cheslea AT ALL. I keep thinking every week she is going home, but he keeps dragging her along. Something about her is so awkward, like how she thinks hand holding is the most horrific thing ever. After their unfortunate day date, I found her little strip show odd. I thought the negligee scene was more skanky than romantic.
Whatever, I can't imagine him picking anyone but Shayne. Glad meek little Amanda didn't let Matt off the hook easily!
PS- I like, soooo miss Chrissy, Clay, Chase, and Allie on Newport Harbor! Like, will that show ever like come back?!
5 of 17 | Posted by lps6409 | Posted on May 1, 2008 6:32 AM
I, like, felt that Amanda's, like, talk at dinner with, like, Matt was SO painful. I knew he'd never pick her because of her hiccup thing. Sorry - but it's just too damn weird.
But I am more impressed with her now that I know she called him a douchbag.
Please Amanda - if you're reading this - you will seem and sound SO much more intelligent if you erase "like" from your vocabulary.
6 of 17 | Posted by C MacKenzie | Posted on May 1, 2008 6:59 AM
(1) how is douchebag a curse word and bitch isn't???
(2) CHELSEA wins Honey, I know it. *spoiler* my hubby and I enjoy nothing more than watching for clues in the upcoming scenes. You will see in the shots of the final rose a hand and he has the ring out. THis hand has nude nail polish and a thin silver bracelet. In watching them get ready chelsea's hand matches and her bracelet is showing.
(3) who else think the women tell all is going to suck? These girls were boring and stupid to start with.
(4) I cannot wait to see how shayne does in London. Girlfriend is going upset Matt's mum. She WILL NOT HAVE an american bimbo in the family. No way.
7 of 17 | Posted by lawyerjenn | Posted on May 1, 2008 7:35 AM
THANK YOU, Internetsensation!
I just re-watched and you are right! Too funny that they censored "douchebag." I wonder if that's the first time someone's uttered it on ABC and they didn't know what to do. But a douchebag he is, indeed.
Lawyerjenn - good eagle eyes! I, too have noticed the nude nail polish, but haven't paid close enough attention to ID the lucky lady. As long as ABC isn't up to any tricks, you may be right.
You guys crack me up!
Much love,
-HG :)
8 of 17 | Posted by Honey Gangsta | Posted on May 1, 2008 7:48 AM
Three cheers for Amanda for letting Matt have it. But seriously, what was she thinking when she signed up for all this nonsense?
Shayne's remark about being intellectual (is that the way you say it?) says it all.
Once again you had me laughing out loud HG. Keep it coming.
9 of 17 | Posted by malimar | Posted on May 1, 2008 8:36 AM
I have been thinking Chelsea for a couple weeks. I think all this ooohing and ahhhing over Shayne has been misdirection (Not that Matt didn't want to get an overnight with her all along).
So even before i read that spoiler above, i have said Chelsea. I also noticed the hand that Matt takes to put a ring on, and I actually thought "I can't believe Shayne wouldn't have huge fake nails, just like everything else."
Glad to see Matt like, got dressed up for the like rose ceremony.
Very funny recap. There is no way Matt is lasting with either one of these chicks.
10 of 17 | Posted by DP Hooker | Posted on May 1, 2008 11:27 AM
I was looking at hand clues to make comparisons, too. I hope ABC/Bachelor production assistants aren't stupid enough to show the winner's hand and think we're not gonna recognize the fingers/nail polish/extra jewelry.
They could be smart and just showing us a fake-out shot of Chelsea's hand...or maybe Shayne borrows Chelsea's polish and bracelet like she borrowed Holly's spray-tanner. :-)
11 of 17 | Posted by blahblah | Posted on May 1, 2008 6:23 PM
I'm a couple of glasses of wine deep (Question: What's better than Buy One, Get One For 5 cents at BevMo? Answer: NOTHING), so I apologize ahead of time for the following rant.
Shayne is the most fake, ridiculous, steaming hot mess I've seen in quite a while. And I'm a goddamn Los Angeles NATIVE, do you hear me? After all the earnest protestations about her not doing this whole thing as an acting gig, and her father calling her ass out last week, she instructs him on the art of faking a passionate kiss on camera? This guy cannot possibly be this dense. If she wins, the sound you hear will be a 27 inch television in California being hurled out a window. And by the way, lawyerjenn, I totally agree with you. British folks are NOT gonna be tryin' to take Miss Thing seriously. I foresee them giving her "mayjah" attitude when she gets there.
AND ANOTHER THING ABOUT THIS IDIOT SHAYNE: why would a youngish woman wear a horrible one piece bathing suit and Florida retiree floppy hat? I mean, WTF was that getup all about? Did you see the downright contortions he was reduced to in order to kiss her, or even see her face? That irritated me waaaay more than it should have. And yes, I don't really have a life right now. But let's continue.
I never, ever tuned into Amanda's Valley Girl tendencies until this episode. Drove me absolutely to the edge. She looked really hurt because I'm sure she banged the hell out of him and let him do all kinds of dirty things to her, yet he still dumped her. After listening to her, I totally, like, can't like blame him. (Reluctant twenty points awarded to her for calling him a douchebag, which to me was clear as a bell)
So, it's clear now that "amazing connection" on the hometown date with Chelsea means "amazing blow job", correct? She's really quite meh to me. And lps6409, I'm with you---any chick that strips off her chonies on national television, two inches from a cameraman and in slow motion, ain't nothing but a two-bit nasty ho. She didn't even do it in front of him, as far as I can tell.
Okay, I'm done. Great job as usual, HG.
12 of 17 | Posted by Snarky | Posted on May 1, 2008 6:57 PM
That rose ceremony was agonizing for me. I totally lost count along the way, and I'm pissed that that Chris Harrison guy didn't show up to help me out. It was like standing on the edge of cliff. Brrr.
They better not do that again for the last rose ceremony.
13 of 17 | Posted by itchy | Posted on May 2, 2008 4:57 PM
Itchy,
You are FUNNY!! LOL
14 of 17 | Posted by mistichristi | Posted on May 4, 2008 5:02 AM
Snarky, thank you for commenting on Shayne's swimsuit...I'm no fashion expert but I thought it was the ugliest thing I have ever seen. Was it supposed to be retro or what?
15 of 17 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on May 5, 2008 3:31 AM
lawyerjen - I'm with you. I always look at the hand to determine the winner. Whoever is standing left hand to the camera is usually the lucky recipient. It looked like Chelsea to me. Guess we'll find out!!
16 of 17 | Posted by LNNC92 | Posted on May 5, 2008 6:27 AM
I've just read all of these recaps - and enjoyed them a lot!
I agree that at the rose ceremony both Matt and Chelsea appear to have just crawled out of bed after their fantasy suite date.
I even said, "I wonder if she put on her underwear for this. Maybe, Matt still has Stacey's and he could loan them to her."
17 of 17 | Posted by ak4212 | Posted on May 6, 2008 10:46 AM