After a while the captain gets sick of listening to Matt and Chelsea pretend to have a conversation so he parks the catamaran and pushes them overboard to swim with sea turtles. Matt says he's hoping they'll be able to bond in the water, but this is the most action he gets:
The Pet Masseuse
Matt complains that the turtle is closer to him physically than Chelsea. Well Matt, Chelsea has a bigger brain than the turtle. What can you expect? Matt is gutted, and try as I might, I just don't feel sorry for him at all. Later he's kind of hesitant about having dinner with Chelsea because she is so distant, but she comes bopping up in a little sundress so Matt has to sit down and have a meal. He complains that she's been hard to read and if there were a "Bachelor" show for a best friend Chelsea would win it, but that's not why he's here.
"May day!"
Chelsea says she's very passionate about everything she does, but she's very bothered by the fact that there are other girls involved. She's terrified of getting hurt, and blah blah blah. Apparently this is enough encouragement for Matt to break out the Fantasy Suite Card. Seeing as Chelsea made her own Fantasy Suite proposal a couple of episodes back, it's no surprise that she would absolutely, absolutely LOVE to accompany Matt to the official Fantasy Suite.
They head up to a room that is strikingly similar to Amanda's Fantasy Suite, so I have to say that Shayne won on tonight's episode. She's the only one who got a villa with a pool. Anyway, Matt sits down with Chelsea and tells her that he's gone out of his way to show her how much he likes her more than any of the other girls. Then he says he's almost said too much. Oh please. Chelsea says she has a surprise for Matt, and then WE, not Matt, are treated to a striptease starring Chelsea. She slinks out of her sundress revealing little boy panties that say "pretty" in sequins, then slinks into a little black nightie and slowly pulls up one strap at a time, like we all do when we're getting ready for bed. Then, as the delicious cherry on top of her show, she pulls her panties out from under her nightie, tosses them on the bed, and struts out to show Matt.
Off with this Amish number...
On with seduction...
Very slowly...
Who needs underwear?
I can't tell if Matt likes it.
This is Chelsea's romantic side, you see. Of course Matt is psyched because this means he's getting some [more]. This makes up for an entire day of the cold shoulder. At least for now.
The next day Matt frets about having to break someone's heart and it looks like Chelsea is still in her black nightie to up her chances of getting a rose. The girls all stand around looking petrified and I wonder who's going to count the roses since Chris Harrison hasn't joined us in Barbados.
Suckers!
Shayne gets the first rose, surprising positively NO ONE. She looks like she's about to throw up. How many are left? Do you think we will ever know? And Chelsea gets the second and last rose. Buh-bye, Amanda! The First Impression recipient NEVER wins. That first rose is the kiss of death. They usually get pretty far, but they never win.
Matt walks Amanda over to a bench to explain himself and she is pissed off. She says, "Like, I'm shocked right now. I'm shocked, like..." Matt assures her that everything he's ever said to her has been true. Amanda says that doesn't make sense at all. Yeah! Make him explain, Amanda! He just keeps telling her how great she is and she says she doesn't understand what the problem is. She thought she'd found true love. She calls him a name that gets bleeped and I seriously can't tell what she says. But I agree.
'Tis better to have loved and lost... um no.
He walks her to the limo and she tries to yawn when they stand up, but she doesn't quite succeed. She doesn't even look at him when she gets in the car, and after he closes the door, he does back-handsprings all the way back up the path to Shayne and Chelsea. All done feeling bad!
In her Ride of Shame Amanda cries and reiterates that her feelings for Matt are real and that she thought they had a real connection. She really thought they were going to get married! Well, look at the bright side, Amanda. Your wedding won't get called off via TMZ.
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Comments (17)
amanda called him a douchebag. even if i were deaf i'd still know my douchebags.
1 of 17 | Posted by theinternetsensation | Posted on April 30, 2008 11:20 PM
Thanks, IS, for clearing that up, because I thought maybe she said "shithead". Good at reading lips, not so much.
2 of 17 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on May 1, 2008 3:41 AM
Douchebag! Hah! Classy!
3 of 17 | Posted by Scarlet | Posted on May 1, 2008 5:45 AM
lol.! Yes, she called him a douchebag, my fave curse word lately.. I've always wanted a bachellorette to use that word on the bachelor!!! I was pleasantly surprised bland Amanda did that...!
4 of 17 | Posted by duckncvr | Posted on May 1, 2008 6:05 AM
Is douchebag a curse word? I'm surprised they bleeped that.
This episode was weird for me. I don't get Cheslea AT ALL. I keep thinking every week she is going home, but he keeps dragging her along. Something about her is so awkward, like how she thinks hand holding is the most horrific thing ever. After their unfortunate day date, I found her little strip show odd. I thought the negligee scene was more skanky than romantic.
Whatever, I can't imagine him picking anyone but Shayne. Glad meek little Amanda didn't let Matt off the hook easily!
PS- I like, soooo miss Chrissy, Clay, Chase, and Allie on Newport Harbor! Like, will that show ever like come back?!
5 of 17 | Posted by lps6409 | Posted on May 1, 2008 6:32 AM
I, like, felt that Amanda's, like, talk at dinner with, like, Matt was SO painful. I knew he'd never pick her because of her hiccup thing. Sorry - but it's just too damn weird.
But I am more impressed with her now that I know she called him a douchbag.
Please Amanda - if you're reading this - you will seem and sound SO much more intelligent if you erase "like" from your vocabulary.
6 of 17 | Posted by C MacKenzie | Posted on May 1, 2008 6:59 AM
(1) how is douchebag a curse word and bitch isn't???
(2) CHELSEA wins Honey, I know it. *spoiler* my hubby and I enjoy nothing more than watching for clues in the upcoming scenes. You will see in the shots of the final rose a hand and he has the ring out. THis hand has nude nail polish and a thin silver bracelet. In watching them get ready chelsea's hand matches and her bracelet is showing.
(3) who else think the women tell all is going to suck? These girls were boring and stupid to start with.
(4) I cannot wait to see how shayne does in London. Girlfriend is going upset Matt's mum. She WILL NOT HAVE an american bimbo in the family. No way.
7 of 17 | Posted by lawyerjenn | Posted on May 1, 2008 7:35 AM
THANK YOU, Internetsensation!
I just re-watched and you are right! Too funny that they censored "douchebag." I wonder if that's the first time someone's uttered it on ABC and they didn't know what to do. But a douchebag he is, indeed.
Lawyerjenn - good eagle eyes! I, too have noticed the nude nail polish, but haven't paid close enough attention to ID the lucky lady. As long as ABC isn't up to any tricks, you may be right.
You guys crack me up!
Much love,
-HG :)
8 of 17 | Posted by Honey Gangsta | Posted on May 1, 2008 7:48 AM
Three cheers for Amanda for letting Matt have it. But seriously, what was she thinking when she signed up for all this nonsense?
Shayne's remark about being intellectual (is that the way you say it?) says it all.
Once again you had me laughing out loud HG. Keep it coming.
9 of 17 | Posted by malimar | Posted on May 1, 2008 8:36 AM
I have been thinking Chelsea for a couple weeks. I think all this ooohing and ahhhing over Shayne has been misdirection (Not that Matt didn't want to get an overnight with her all along).
So even before i read that spoiler above, i have said Chelsea. I also noticed the hand that Matt takes to put a ring on, and I actually thought "I can't believe Shayne wouldn't have huge fake nails, just like everything else."
Glad to see Matt like, got dressed up for the like rose ceremony.
Very funny recap. There is no way Matt is lasting with either one of these chicks.
10 of 17 | Posted by DP Hooker | Posted on May 1, 2008 11:27 AM
I was looking at hand clues to make comparisons, too. I hope ABC/Bachelor production assistants aren't stupid enough to show the winner's hand and think we're not gonna recognize the fingers/nail polish/extra jewelry.
They could be smart and just showing us a fake-out shot of Chelsea's hand...or maybe Shayne borrows Chelsea's polish and bracelet like she borrowed Holly's spray-tanner. :-)
11 of 17 | Posted by blahblah | Posted on May 1, 2008 6:23 PM
I'm a couple of glasses of wine deep (Question: What's better than Buy One, Get One For 5 cents at BevMo? Answer: NOTHING), so I apologize ahead of time for the following rant.
Shayne is the most fake, ridiculous, steaming hot mess I've seen in quite a while. And I'm a goddamn Los Angeles NATIVE, do you hear me? After all the earnest protestations about her not doing this whole thing as an acting gig, and her father calling her ass out last week, she instructs him on the art of faking a passionate kiss on camera? This guy cannot possibly be this dense. If she wins, the sound you hear will be a 27 inch television in California being hurled out a window. And by the way, lawyerjenn, I totally agree with you. British folks are NOT gonna be tryin' to take Miss Thing seriously. I foresee them giving her "mayjah" attitude when she gets there.
AND ANOTHER THING ABOUT THIS IDIOT SHAYNE: why would a youngish woman wear a horrible one piece bathing suit and Florida retiree floppy hat? I mean, WTF was that getup all about? Did you see the downright contortions he was reduced to in order to kiss her, or even see her face? That irritated me waaaay more than it should have. And yes, I don't really have a life right now. But let's continue.
I never, ever tuned into Amanda's Valley Girl tendencies until this episode. Drove me absolutely to the edge. She looked really hurt because I'm sure she banged the hell out of him and let him do all kinds of dirty things to her, yet he still dumped her. After listening to her, I totally, like, can't like blame him. (Reluctant twenty points awarded to her for calling him a douchebag, which to me was clear as a bell)
So, it's clear now that "amazing connection" on the hometown date with Chelsea means "amazing blow job", correct? She's really quite meh to me. And lps6409, I'm with you---any chick that strips off her chonies on national television, two inches from a cameraman and in slow motion, ain't nothing but a two-bit nasty ho. She didn't even do it in front of him, as far as I can tell.
Okay, I'm done. Great job as usual, HG.
12 of 17 | Posted by Snarky | Posted on May 1, 2008 6:57 PM
That rose ceremony was agonizing for me. I totally lost count along the way, and I'm pissed that that Chris Harrison guy didn't show up to help me out. It was like standing on the edge of cliff. Brrr.
They better not do that again for the last rose ceremony.
13 of 17 | Posted by itchy | Posted on May 2, 2008 4:57 PM
Itchy,
You are FUNNY!! LOL
14 of 17 | Posted by mistichristi | Posted on May 4, 2008 5:02 AM
Snarky, thank you for commenting on Shayne's swimsuit...I'm no fashion expert but I thought it was the ugliest thing I have ever seen. Was it supposed to be retro or what?
15 of 17 | Posted by wintersux | Posted on May 5, 2008 3:31 AM
lawyerjen - I'm with you. I always look at the hand to determine the winner. Whoever is standing left hand to the camera is usually the lucky recipient. It looked like Chelsea to me. Guess we'll find out!!
16 of 17 | Posted by LNNC92 | Posted on May 5, 2008 6:27 AM
I've just read all of these recaps - and enjoyed them a lot!
I agree that at the rose ceremony both Matt and Chelsea appear to have just crawled out of bed after their fantasy suite date.
I even said, "I wonder if she put on her underwear for this. Maybe, Matt still has Stacey's and he could loan them to her."
17 of 17 | Posted by ak4212 | Posted on May 6, 2008 10:46 AM