[jadedbitch continues with our Bachelor recaps. You can read his blog at http://www.jadedbitch.com/.]
At long last, it is the final episode of The Bachelor! Before Charlie decides on live television who he will pick, we have to endure Krisily and Sarah visiting Charlie’s home and family in Montalk. The first to arrive is Krisily, who meets up with Charlie on the beach. He takes her to meet his friends Steve and Frank. “I feel like I’m home cause the beach at home is so similar to this,” gushed Krisily. Yes, and when I visit Hawaii, I feel like I’m at home too because the sun at home is so similar. And when I was in Paris, man, that moon really made me feel like home cause the moon here in Canada is just like it!
Charlie’s friends told him that they could tell Krisily was really into him, i.e. she would worship the ground he walks on. But what would the family think? Well Krisily was nervous, especially since Charlie’s mom was taller than she was. Krisily ran out of the room screaming, “Godzirra!” Yes, those tall people sure are SCARY. Let’s not even discuss the bone necklace Mum was sporting.
The next day, Sarah came to town to meet the ‘rents. Charlie reiterated that Montalk was his favourite place EVER, to which Sarah replied that she’d move anywhere for him. She did however, lay out the ground rules by saying she only wanted to get engaged if she knew it was right for her. Controlling, much? Seems like Charlie has to pick between a control freak and a…freak.
Everyone met with Sarah at the family home, where they put her on the BBQ and grilled her on a slow burn. Charlie’s friend Jack wanted more out of Sarah, but all she could muster up was a rehearsed, “I really really like Charlie.” She might as well have said, “I really really like broccoli.” Jack warned Charlie that he saw a control issue with Sarah, and that possibly she had whips and chains hidden away. Kinky! Jack didn’t keep this under wraps as he called her out on it at the dinner table. “I’m motherly,” Sarah claimed. “That’s just a nice way to say controlling,” Jack chimed in.
Later after Sarah had left, the family talked about the two girls with Charlie. His father told him that Sarah was a lot more mature than Charlie was. Um, has he met his son? A larva is more mature than he is.
During an intimate moment with the camera, Charlie broke down into tears as he couldn’t decide between the two girls/ His trembling lip and giant face made iim look like a cast member from Planet of the Ares. The two girls met up with him and host Chris Harisson where the news was broken that Charlie would not be choosing his girl quite just yet. He needs more time apparently. So, he will get to date the two girls in the real world, i/e. off camera.
Before the final dates were to be had. Back in New York City, Krisily met up with a very tired looking Charlie. He looks like he’s had enough of this show as much as we have. He then presented her with a gift, to which she told us some inane story about how she’s like a kid and that at Christmas, she likes to unwrap all the gifts under the Xmas tree that has her name on it, and then rewrap them. Why that’s just silly! Seriously, if I had a gun, I would have sucked back a bullet by now.
So the gift turned out to be a picture of the two of them snorkeling. “That’s so cool because no one’s ever going to believe I did that!” exclaimed Krisily. That’s right, Krisily, because no one watched the show and no one saw the FOOTAGE of you and Charlie snorkeling. Good thing you have a picture to prove it! Most people would settle for a nationally broadcast television show, but really what is that compared to a PHOTO.
Before I had a chance to rip my eyeballs out, we were back from commercial to witness the final date between Charlie and Sarah. However, it went by so fast that by the time I finished scratching my ass, it was over! What, no gift? Sarah got shafted! At least Krisily has that nicely wrinkled photo!
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Comments (25)
That is a very funny and unfortunately very accurate title. After the first 40 minutes, I thought there is no reason in the world this show can't be an hour. I knew going in that it was going to be 3 hours, but I thought that was because they were doing "After The Final Rose." If he had told me he was going to keep dating both of us for 2 months, I would have left. That is fucked up!
Fortunately, B-Side posted the Survivor recap so I had something to read while I wasn't paying attention to the endless reiteration of how nervous everyone was and how hard this was going to be and they all just wanted it to be over with.
I wouldn't be surprised if Krisily's family finds her hanging from the shower curtain rod in the bathroom tomorrow morning. As well as she took it on the show, I am sure she's having a meltdown now.
1 of 25 | Posted by Victoria | Posted on May 17, 2005 12:28 AM
I hate to be that guy (oh, who am I kidding, I LOVE being that guy), but could we have a spellcheck please?
2 of 25 | Posted by IndianJones | Posted on May 17, 2005 2:03 AM
Simmer down, Indian Jones. You sound bitter like someone who didn't get to see Molly Simms or Lindsay Lohan at a bar.
3 of 25 | Posted by B-Side | Posted on May 17, 2005 2:10 AM
Please, please, please, if you end up proposing Chaleee, have someone write your proposal. The breakup speech and promise ring thing were painful to watch. Poor Krisily, after having Chris and Charlie go on and on about why we all loved you, I couldn't tell you why because they said nothing at all.
4 of 25 | Posted by l | Posted on May 17, 2005 4:09 AM
Jaded--thanks for the quick recap but what was that other language you were typing?
I was on the ABC message boards during the show and several people thought that everyone already knew which girl had been picked. When Nana called Krisily the "second runner up" that that was a big slip-up.
Yes, that was definitely the biggest waste of time ever. Especially after a 3-hour night of Survivor.
5 of 25 | Posted by suebee | Posted on May 17, 2005 4:12 AM
i thought they were totally setting krisily up to be the next bachelorette, the way everyone was kissing her ass and talking about what an amazing woman she was, and how america loves her. i liked krisily and i was impressed with how she took it, a pretty classy move for someone who surely pronounces library "liberry".
6 of 25 | Posted by ldini79 | Posted on May 17, 2005 5:36 AM
I agree that they knew before hand because of the slip up by Nana. I also felt Krisily's family was very classy to say what a great gal Sarah B. was how the parents should be very proud. They didn't have to, but did. I saw a different side of her, a classier side than the argue with Sarah Dub side. Hell, perhaps Sarah Dub could turn Mother Teresa into a cranky witch. I also felt Chalee didn't want to hurt anyone. Then again, I could be a sucker ripe for media controlled opinions... ;)
7 of 25 | Posted by Holly | Posted on May 17, 2005 7:10 AM
This was the funniest recap ever! Why would you not want to watch and recap anymore? Isn't it fun to rip on something so ridiculous? It's fun to read it.
8 of 25 | Posted by is | Posted on May 17, 2005 8:43 AM
Sorry about the typos, everyone. It was 11pm, I had just finished a three hour gauntlet of The Bachelor (my favourite show on Earth) and a spell check/proof read was the last thing on my mind.
9 of 25 | Posted by jaded | Posted on May 17, 2005 8:57 AM
I have not watched this show all season and happened to end up in front of the tv showing it at the gym. I was shocked and dismayed to see people trying to win the affections of this utterly boring person- the type that if I started talking to him at the bar, I would not want to talk to for very long. I mean, this dude wasn't funny, wasn't good looking, didn't seem all that nice.....though i also couldn't figure out why everyone was making a big deal about moving to location x or y. do they go on these shows expecting that NBC will have a candidate for them that lives in their home town?
10 of 25 | Posted by Leah3t | Posted on May 17, 2005 9:07 AM
I would rather have the recap with typos then none at all!! It is less painful than watching the show...
11 of 25 | Posted by mellymel | Posted on May 17, 2005 10:57 AM
Thanks for the recap! I love reliving and picking apart the show... and man... It was the suckiest rose ceremony yet! "I'll be the BEST BOYFRIEND ever!!" Charlie is whacked. He is NOT ready to get married. It bugged me that he was the Bachelor because I knew he wouldn't propose at the end (but I was still curious to see if he would). "I'll be the best BOYFRIEND!" That's not what the show is supposed to be about. Promise ring??? is what I keep thinking. It was dumb. I didn't really follow the whole season but I'd watch here in there... but the prob with Krisily (pretty girl; handled the bad news well), is that she was too overeager when it came to being with Charlie. She didn't give enough mystery and that prolly bored this guy. Sarah is cute, and I like her mom a lot, but I feel sorry for her. This morning they were on the radio on Star98.7 and apparently they were laying in bed together with hangovers. That's amore! P.S. Not that it already didn't suck, but thanks a LOT Nana for ruining the show!!!!
12 of 25 | Posted by M | Posted on May 17, 2005 11:06 AM
I tuned in after 24 (of course) to see the break-up and the promise ring proposal. Was this a joke? There should have been a counter on the monitor for how many times he said "best boyfriend ever".... We'll see about that. And what's with the live audience?
13 of 25 | Posted by couchpotato | Posted on May 17, 2005 11:09 AM
Call me a romantic...or a sucker...or stupid...but despite the WAY too long finale, I grew to really like Charlie over the course of the show. I think he's genuine, simple, and very kind. He tried to do the right thing--let Krisily down easily, be nice to the families, etc. He shed tears at the obivously emotionally difficult points... I wish them the best...
14 of 25 | Posted by alohaguy | Posted on May 17, 2005 11:36 AM
My part of Huntington Beach had a power outage last night which cause me to miss the first hour and a half of this show. THANK YOU Edison Power Company!
I did think Charlie was an okay guy, yadda yadda yadda, I hope they end up happy!
15 of 25 | Posted by TitoJackson | Posted on May 17, 2005 11:47 AM
Okay, it's over and I will never, I repeat, NEVER watch that load of crap again...
I was routing for Sarah, but seriously, they don't even look like a couple. I think Charlie gave her the ring so she would finally put out...
And what was up with the crinkled picture, couldn't he have even gotten it mounted? I hate them all. And notice no preview for the next bachelor?
It's over...
16 of 25 | Posted by smithie | Posted on May 17, 2005 12:33 PM
I am mad that ABC cancelled the quirky, fresh show Eyes but renewed the Bachelor. If Eyes had been allowed more than a handfull of episodes, it might have gotten better ratings, while the Bachelor is now nothing more than the punchline to a joke about reality tv. Blah.
17 of 25 | Posted by Ashes | Posted on May 17, 2005 12:38 PM
oh- titojackson- you really did luck out. ABC sucks for putting us through that horror. I think a full hour was dead air time with the long awkward pauses. I want Nana to be the next bachelorette! Gotta try before you buy! The whole stupid show could have happened in about 15 minutes. Just painful. Also- Mary and Byron "one of the most beloved couples on the bachelor"- huh? WTF? I had forgotten all about them.
18 of 25 | Posted by Kelley | Posted on May 17, 2005 12:43 PM
Cynics!! You're all cynics! I thought Byron and Mary looked wonderful and infatuated with each other... This stuff is all so very real!
19 of 25 | Posted by alohguy | Posted on May 17, 2005 12:59 PM
Didn't it look like his teeth and lips had gone dry and he couldn't make his lips close over them??
I kept thinking "Charlie, use vaseline like the beauty pageant chicks do!"
20 of 25 | Posted by BG14 | Posted on May 17, 2005 1:55 PM
They DEFINITELY knew before. Not only did NO ONE looked surprised, but Sarah B moved to LA last week, to be a TV producer, according to an "inside source...."
21 of 25 | Posted by Jessica | Posted on May 17, 2005 2:24 PM
Jaded--No problem about the typos. Reading it with the typos was much easier than sitting through three hours of Bachelor hell. Thanks so much for the recap!
22 of 25 | Posted by suebee | Posted on May 17, 2005 2:26 PM
How does someone who is a nurse move to L.A. and just "become" a TV producer? People live here for years trying to break into the business and most are unsuccessful.
23 of 25 | Posted by Victoria | Posted on May 17, 2005 11:39 PM
Just read the paper, and it's not good. The Bachelor has been RENEWED. *runs screaming from the room*
24 of 25 | Posted by jaded | Posted on May 18, 2005 8:09 AM
Are Mary and Byron still together
25 of 25 | Posted by Maria Cook | Posted on June 2, 2005 4:23 PM