The Bachelor: Welcome to Hoochfest 2005, Bitches! - 
by Guest Columnist
[Contintuing coverage of The Bachelor is jadedbitch.]
We start off with Kimberley going through her suitcase of skank-ware, which included a pearl thong and a lacy see-through half cut bodice that cupped her assets like an overflowing grocery bag of melons. She was indeed preparing for the one-on-one date with Charlie that evening. She so wants to be Samantha Jones. Meanwhile across town, Charlie was busy breaking his telephone. Literally. He had taken the receiver off the wall phone and was spinning it around him like some sort of telephone-slinger, when it flew right off. Eventually he put it back together and gave Kim a call. They were to have their first date together at an art gallery. This of course caused Jenny and Anitra to advise Kim not to wear such a slutty outfit to an art gallery. "People who go there, are in suits and are educated,"noted Jenny, who only wanted to help her fellow Canadian gal pal. Kim did end up changing into something less slutty, which isn't saying much. Instead of putting her boobs on display, she opted to don a jacket, but hike up her skirt, therefore prominently showcasing her vagina. "Now we're cooking - with GAS!"exclaimed Charlie. This guy has so many awful one-liners that someone should give him his own cheesy reality show. Oh wait...
Now, watching the two of them wander around an art gallery was like watching an episode of LOST. However, it soon made sense as to why they picked such a peculiar location for a date - Charlie was an artist!! Well, not quite. He had some of his childhood paintings put up on the wall to see what she would say. She claimed he was a pretty good artist! Wow, Kim, you're an idiot. That's all that needs to be said. Will she get a rose though? That fate would be decided at Charlie's place, to which it seemed he couldn't get her there fast enough.
Meanwhile, across town, the girls decided to throw themselves a Kimberley party. This is along the lines of a Stevie Nicks party where everyone shows up dressed as Stevie Nicks, except of course, the girls dug through Kim's luggage and came out dressed like Kim. "Welcome to Hoochfest 2005, Bitches!" said Sarah B., the Caroline Rhea impersonator. I would suggest throwing a Rupert from Survivor party, or perhaps an Erin from The Apprentice party (bath rugs not included), but whatever you do, for the love of Survivor, do NOT throw a Richard Hatch come-as-you-are nudist party.
Back at Charlie's house, Kimberley fondled the back of Charlie's knee with her foot, cementing his decision to give her the rose. After she received it though, she didn't stop her Samantha Jones antics, hopping on the bed and proceeding to make out with him being the main indicator.
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