[Contintuing coverage of The Bachelor is jadedbitch.]
We start off with Kimberley going through her suitcase of skank-ware, which included a pearl thong and a lacy see-through half cut bodice that cupped her assets like an overflowing grocery bag of melons. She was indeed preparing for the one-on-one date with Charlie that evening. She so wants to be Samantha Jones. Meanwhile across town, Charlie was busy breaking his telephone. Literally. He had taken the receiver off the wall phone and was spinning it around him like some sort of telephone-slinger, when it flew right off. Eventually he put it back together and gave Kim a call. They were to have their first date together at an art gallery. This of course caused Jenny and Anitra to advise Kim not to wear such a slutty outfit to an art gallery. "People who go there, are in suits and are educated,"noted Jenny, who only wanted to help her fellow Canadian gal pal. Kim did end up changing into something less slutty, which isn't saying much. Instead of putting her boobs on display, she opted to don a jacket, but hike up her skirt, therefore prominently showcasing her vagina. "Now we're cooking - with GAS!"exclaimed Charlie. This guy has so many awful one-liners that someone should give him his own cheesy reality show. Oh wait...
Now, watching the two of them wander around an art gallery was like watching an episode of LOST. However, it soon made sense as to why they picked such a peculiar location for a date - Charlie was an artist!! Well, not quite. He had some of his childhood paintings put up on the wall to see what she would say. She claimed he was a pretty good artist! Wow, Kim, you're an idiot. That's all that needs to be said. Will she get a rose though? That fate would be decided at Charlie's place, to which it seemed he couldn't get her there fast enough.
Meanwhile, across town, the girls decided to throw themselves a Kimberley party. This is along the lines of a Stevie Nicks party where everyone shows up dressed as Stevie Nicks, except of course, the girls dug through Kim's luggage and came out dressed like Kim. "Welcome to Hoochfest 2005, Bitches!" said Sarah B., the Caroline Rhea impersonator. I would suggest throwing a Rupert from Survivor party, or perhaps an Erin from The Apprentice party (bath rugs not included), but whatever you do, for the love of Survivor, do NOT throw a Richard Hatch come-as-you-are nudist party.
Back at Charlie's house, Kimberley fondled the back of Charlie's knee with her foot, cementing his decision to give her the rose. After she received it though, she didn't stop her Samantha Jones antics, hopping on the bed and proceeding to make out with him being the main indicator.
Back at the apartment, now looking like the set of Boogie Nights, the girls wondered where in the world Kim and Charlie could be? Seriously though, the way these girls were dressed in Kim's clothes looked like they'd just done lines of coke off each other's back just before heading out to a night at Studio 54. Instead, they all sat around the table discussing the possibility that Kim and Charlie were hooking up at that very moment. Kara, the single mother who was trying hard to channel Britney Spears circa Baby One More Time, said that she wouldn't want to date someone who hooked up with someone so quickly. Is that because you once did that, got pregnant, and now you're a single mother!?? Sorry, I'm not dissing single mothers necessarily, just Kara.
Put on your bowling shoes, it's time for a group date! Working it hard for the single rose to be handed out was Sarah Dub, who kept trying to rub Charlie's ball. *snicker* The other girls bitched about Sarah W. hogging up the bachelor, with Krisily trying to figure out what Sarah's last name was - "Wicked? Witch? Worm?" Ah Krisily, we like you. Unfortunately for her, Charlie dealt the "we're good friends" blow. Is being friends enough to make a relationship?
Rub that ball!
After Charlie was taken away by Krisily, Sarah Dub and Sarah B. drank and gossipped together. Sarah Dub told Sarah B. that Charlie already had a Final Four in mind, and that it did Not include Sarah B. Poor Sarah B. looked like someone had just donkey punched her. However, it was she who would have the last laugh when the one rose up for grabs would be bestowed upon her.
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Comments (17)
This. Show. Sucks.
It's over people, I don't think the franchise can survive after this, even though they moved the skank-o-meter up to the last notch for this installment. It was put on life support when Jen Schefft dropped the ball and made sure the final episode of her run was "THE LEAST DRAMATIC ROSE CEREMONY EVER", this series is the nail in the coffin.
Perhaps Terri Schaivo's parents and husband can fight over whether or not to continue doing Bachelor/Bachelorettes.....
1 of 17 | Posted by hazasaem | Posted on April 13, 2005 7:19 AM
Is it just me, or has anyone else noticed that bump/ridge on the back of Sarah Dub's head? Is that from hair extensions? Tres tacky!
I'll miss you JB, but have a good trip.
2 of 17 | Posted by BronxNY | Posted on April 13, 2005 7:45 AM
"Kara, the single mother who was trying hard to channel Britney Spears circa Baby One More Time, said that she wouldn't want to date someone who hooked up with someone so quickly. Is that because you once did that, got pregnant, and now you're a single mother!?? "
So very, very true! Best quote of the article. :)
3 of 17 | Posted by Boondock Saint | Posted on April 13, 2005 8:43 AM
"Kara, the single mother who was trying hard to channel Britney Spears circa Baby One More Time, said that she wouldn't want to date someone who hooked up with someone so quickly. Is that because you once did that, got pregnant, and now you're a single mother!??"
Best quote of the article. So very, very true.
4 of 17 | Posted by Boondock Saint | Posted on April 13, 2005 8:44 AM
JB-
This is hilarious. I'm not even done reading the whole thing yet, I haven't watched "The Bachelor" since Trista and Ryan, but I'm lovin' it. Thank you for enduring the pain of watching "The Bachelor" so that we might have this awesome recap. Amen.
5 of 17 | Posted by joslyn | Posted on April 13, 2005 10:30 AM
He is such an oaf! Did you see that dramatic clap/kick combo he did after talking to the girls?
I can't wait to see Krisily in the fencing episode. Give her a weapon, and watch her go!
6 of 17 | Posted by Kelley | Posted on April 13, 2005 11:34 AM
Did anyone catch Charlie's insightful art critique about the "kids with their peckers hanging out" - but what did I expect...
7 of 17 | Posted by gt | Posted on April 13, 2005 11:51 AM
Did you see how they showed an old clip of Kara at the rose ceremony in the "coming up" part they do right before the commercials? I suppose since everyone knew she was going home, they had to try and trick us.
And why did Jenny wear a coffin lining to the rose ceremony?
8 of 17 | Posted by Victoria | Posted on April 13, 2005 12:26 PM
I haven't watch the bachelor for awhile... However I have a couple of comments to make.
Part of the fun of the bachelor is being able to see someone who you can identify with and how she interacts with the bachelor. I enjoy watching someone else make mistakes I have made from the comfort of my house. The fairytale element was so absurd, I could not relate to the show. As I normal woman, I can't idenify with models/actors. The shock value has worn out.
Most dramatic rose cermony ever.... use your superlatives carefully!
9 of 17 | Posted by brooke | Posted on April 13, 2005 2:04 PM
It's really becoming difficult to watch this show. Charlie is an all out tool to say the least. He behaves like a drunken frat boy most of the time and let's be honest.. he's not too attractive.
But I must admit, Krisly is entertaining ala Trish. I'm waiting for her to have a really bad group date at which she's completely ignored, causing her to totally spazz the hell out and have a nervous breakdown. *crossing fingers*
And the part about Kimberly attempting to be Samantha Jones was spot on!
10 of 17 | Posted by Nixah | Posted on April 13, 2005 3:01 PM
Why are the women upset when they don't get a rose? this guy is the biggest toolbag ever. I feel this show could be more sucessful if they had more avg. joe and janes on it, but then normal people probably don't go on national television to marry someone they've spent a totalt of one month with or something.
11 of 17 | Posted by curlypacks | Posted on April 13, 2005 4:40 PM
Could his call to Jerry have been any more staged, tacky or stupid?
12 of 17 | Posted by TinkerbellAPixie | Posted on April 13, 2005 5:56 PM
What??? That phone call was staged? To quote Richard Hatch, "We been bamboozled!"
God, I know, like Jerry just *happened* to have a camera trained on him at the moment asshat called. This show gets more moronic each episode. Oh how I miss Byron and Mary . . .
13 of 17 | Posted by happygal | Posted on April 13, 2005 8:08 PM
my best friend was charlie's scene partner in college...and i can say that he's never seen an episode. sigh. :)
14 of 17 | Posted by Stefanie | Posted on April 13, 2005 10:15 PM
How come no recap from this past week's show (4/18)???
15 of 17 | Posted by Jaime | Posted on April 21, 2005 10:50 AM
Krisily is a realty wanna be its pretty obvious / she is not even cute!! I have seen prettier girls all over RI so its weird that she won a pageant therem / maybe she had her mother blow a judge.
16 of 17 | Posted by jessikah | Posted on April 26, 2005 9:46 AM
Jaime,
The person who does our recaps, jadedbitch, is in France, but should start up again by next week.
17 of 17 | Posted by J-Unit | Posted on April 26, 2005 1:54 PM