[jadedbitch continues with our Bachelor recaps. You can read his blog at http://www.jadedbitch.com/.]
"Aruba, Jamaica, ooh I wanna take ya..."
You can't say "Aruba" without thinking of that song. Anyone who disagrees is a damn liar. On this week's Bachelor, Charlie brings the three remaining girls to a tropical paradise for an exotic overnight date. What's different from other seasons is that this time, the girls are not only all in the same location for their overnight fantasy frolic, but they're even at the same hotel! It would've been more fun had the likes of bug-eyed Toni, the guy with the man-boobs, mafia member Zach, and all the rest of the Paradise Hotel crew, shown up to crash the party. Now that would've been good television.
Instead, we are shown a doughy looking Charlie walking around on the beach in floral patterned bermuda shorts. He makes the Marshmallow Man in Ghostbusters look sexy. Hell, he makes Slimer look hot. What pleases me however, is the fact that he actually calls Sarah W. by the moniker "Sarah Dub!" He must be a TVGasm reader!
Somewhat clever editing had all three girls (Sarah B., Sarah Dub, and Krisily) riding separately in their cars, all spouting the same party line that they were so lucky to be in Aruba with Charlie and the other girls were not. Was this a script the producers had them all read as a voiceover after the fact? It was just too contrite to be authentic.
Chris Harrison came out to greet all the girls as they all arrived at the hotel, to tell them that their dates would happen all in the same place. "I knew it!" Sarah Dub exclaimed, even though just moments before during her car rides, she was gloating that none of the other girls were in Aruba. That Sarah Dub is such a lying bitch!
We were however, treated to gratuitous shots of Sarah Dub in her camo skivvies and skimpy bikini as she climbed into a jeep for the first one-on-one date with Charlie. And is it just me, or does Charlie seem like he should be the older brother when compared to Jerry O'Connell? His face is TIRED and HAGGARD. Somebody order him some botox!
Sarah Dub's date entailed some ATB riding. Normally, this would have been good fodder for some jiggly boob shots, but alas Kim was back in Edmonton, and for some reason Sarah Dub's chest looked flatter than Charlie's. Seriously, he's got way more cuppage! Maybe it was just her outfit. "This is me in my natural element," she told Charlie. "And everyone always likes me too, so I don't know whatever, about that whole thing." WTF? How much crack is there down in Kokomo???
Apparently a lot, as Charlie did what looked like a variation on the Running Man, when the Kukukunuku bus showed up. This was definitely a Riding The Bus With My Sister moment! If only Rosie had shown up to offer some doughnuts or talk about toilet seats! I wasn't sure who was playing the Andie McDowell character and who was being Rosie, since both of them were shaking their maraccas and proceeded to have the time of their lives.
"Bermuda, bahamas, come on pretty mama..." Damn you John Stamos and your bongo drums!!
Krisily later took a walk along the beach and stumbled upon Charlie and Sarah Dub's dinner date. She hid behind some lounge chairs and spied on them as they jumped into the water. "I wish I had worn some underwear!"exclaimed Sarah Dub as she proceeded to put the fish in fishwater. As the two dry humped in the ocean, the previews made it seem like Krisily was on the beach watching them, when in reality she had already gone back to the hotel probably to join Sarah B in ordering up some good ol' fashion porn on the pay-per-view. Once again, the show teases and refuses to put out.
The next day, Sarah B was to go on a sailing date with Charlie. He showed up shirtless, which from what I could see, was a huge mistake. Please for the love of God, put your shirt back on!! The two however, finally sealed the deal with their very first mouth to mouth.
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Comments (18)
It really looked like Sarah W gave Charlie a hand job while they were in the water after dinner. Sarah W has seemed skinny this whole season, she is, but when they showed her walking around everything on her jiggled except her boobs (she doesn't have any). Someone needs to tell that girl that going to the gym will help her.
1 of 18 | Posted by moonman | Posted on May 3, 2005 5:33 PM
I just loved to watch that conceited bitch cry at the end when the harsh reality hit her; " maybe I'm not as hot as I think I am?". No bitch, you're not. I have a HUGE problem with people who constantly talk about how great they are and how many people like them. Dub-I hope you read this because I just want you to know that NO ONE LIKES YOU!
2 of 18 | Posted by yourmom | Posted on May 3, 2005 5:39 PM
I loved the porno music they were playing while Sarah W. and Charlie were in the ocean. Almost as scary as her dual personality (seriously, that's all I can come up with as a stab as to why she can't remember if she's loved or hated) was Sarah B. kissing Charlie. I don't know what drugs he was on, but the images weren't meshing with how he was carrying on about how wonderful the experience was. The Michael Jackson/ Lisa Marie Presley MTV kiss was more believable.
3 of 18 | Posted by laska | Posted on May 3, 2005 5:45 PM
I thought Dub said racist. Thanks for including that part for confirmation. She thinks she's in the beautiful race. Could that girl like try to talk without like saying like? I don't think so. And who shows up for a date in a bikini...no shoes, no wrap, nothing? And Charlie, he just shows up in his trunks. Does he think he looks good?
4 of 18 | Posted by suebee | Posted on May 3, 2005 7:22 PM
Oprah has been incessantly advertising a show of hers where her design guy, Nate, redecorates a famous Hollywood bachelor pad. So out of morbid curiosity, and because there's nothing else on at one in the morning, I turn it on and the famous bachelor is none other than Jerry O'Connell! Worst tie-in ever! The show was all fluff, but guess what? We got the inside scoop that Charlie really is in love! Plus there were clips from The Bachelor. Imagine that!
5 of 18 | Posted by Victoria | Posted on May 3, 2005 9:20 PM
The end of this week's show, when Sarah Dub said people were racist because she's beautiful, was priceless. What a riot! It made up for every excrutiating minute I've spent watching this fiasco.
6 of 18 | Posted by BronxNY | Posted on May 4, 2005 7:05 AM
Sarah Dub has got to be the biggest moron to walk this earth.
On the other hand, she lives in a beautiful world. No matter if people dislike her or think she is ugly, she thinks it's because she is beautiful. It's a win win situation for her.
7 of 18 | Posted by is2005 | Posted on May 4, 2005 8:37 AM
OK, first. A Paradise Hotel sneak attack? That would be awesome! And you just know that Zack would so throw over Amy for a chance at Sarah W. Really those two are so delusional they'd be perfect for each other.
What was with Sarah W and looking into the camera? Anyone else notice that? And the poor woe-is-me comments. Pul-leeze. Racist? Seriously? Um, Arayan much? I had to laughed maniacally when she didn't get a rose. I guess being basically naked in the water with a guy didn't get you very far, huh?
Of course, Krisily wasn't much better. She was freaking awestruck by everything. "Oh look, a padded chair! Oh look, a tent! Oh, look, the sky!" I was shocked that he gave Krisily the rose simply because he looked so utterly bored during the majority of the date. Maybe she ended up following Nana's advice after all.
8 of 18 | Posted by mountain girl | Posted on May 4, 2005 9:31 AM
Wow, if Sarah Dub's ego was any more inflated, her head might explode.
Racist???? Oh my, I missed that. Can't believe that she isn't even smart enough to know that the word racism means.
I'm amazed someone so dishonest and catty can go on camera and blame people for disliking her because of her looks.
Try being nice to people Big Sarah, maybe then everyone won't think you're such an enormous beeyoch.
9 of 18 | Posted by Amanda | Posted on May 4, 2005 9:50 AM
I always got the feeling that Sarah Dub was trying to convince everyone, including herself, that she was the hottest woman on the planet. Maybe she thought if she said it enough, people would jump on board with the idea. No such luck hon!
It also amazes me that she lives in Los Angeles where any bar you walk into has at least 30 women that are more attractive than she will ever be. She must just think that when she's not hit on its because she's too beautiful. Got to love the delusions of reality TV stars!!
10 of 18 | Posted by WTF | Posted on May 4, 2005 10:02 AM
What was with Charlie's pit stains during the day with Sarah B (you could especially see them when they were sitting on the couch)? I know that it's Aruba, but change your shirt for the camera or something!
11 of 18 | Posted by Katie | Posted on May 4, 2005 10:06 AM
You just noticed Sarah B's boobs? What were you looking at. Gotta be a boob job and very tasteful one at that. Hey, she's from Texas. Every woman gets them down there whether they put out or not.
12 of 18 | Posted by Ken | Posted on May 4, 2005 10:18 AM
"smell the desperation between her legs" HA!
Dub did the "laugh to cover up the awkward moment, then look at the camera, then laugh awkwardly again" bit about 500 times too many. Thank god that bitch is gone--yep, I'm a racist.
Here's a tip, Dub. People don't hate you because you're pretty, but because you're an asshole!
Krisily played the "i'm so naive, I've never breathed air before!" part too much. A man likes to show his lady new things, but it gets old. He DID look bored! But when she did her whole, "I would hate to get fucked and never see you again" speech and he still invited her in, you know Dub was going home. Nevertheless, I held my breath while the roses got handed out.
Now, I'm a sweaty person. (Sorry, but it's true.) Even so, I make sure I wipe the drips that are coming off my nose and cheeks, even when I'm at the gym and it's a futile effort! Charlie just sat there, sweatin' through linen, with rivulets of sweat pouring off his face. I know it's TV, but wipe your goddamn face! I was glad to see that Dub looked pretty moist herself, and I don't mean in the bikini bottom.
13 of 18 | Posted by jess | Posted on May 4, 2005 11:14 AM
I was surprised when Charlie picked Krisily. He did seem bored with her, Maybe that over nighter clinched the deal.
Sara Dub is not that beautiful her figure was just a blob. No boobs, no waist, no hips.
Charlie looks like a cartoon character. His pants always hang , like he has no butt. I cannot believe any of these girls are really into him. I'm not.
14 of 18 | Posted by JoyceEllaine | Posted on May 4, 2005 11:43 AM
Why am I still watching the show?
Sarah Dub seemed perfect for Charlie in the beginning, but then she turned into a babbling narcissist...Like, totally.
I wanted to punch her in the like face. And her body is so trunk like, she has no waist, very strange...
I love that they are going to date in the real world before he makes a decision, if he picks white trash Krisily that would be so lame, and what was up with her overcoming her massive claustrophobia condition? Was she hypnotized or something?
I can't believe these whores haven't learned anything about sleeping with the bachelor...Don't do it!!
15 of 18 | Posted by smithie | Posted on May 4, 2005 11:44 AM
Ok, I can't be the only one who wanted to rip Krisily's voice box out for constantly saying "impor-ent"?! WTF?!! She said it about 100 times yet I wanted to punch her in the mouth 200 times! Please, can I get an amen!?
16 of 18 | Posted by DJB | Posted on May 4, 2005 4:14 PM
Amen!
17 of 18 | Posted by mountain girl | Posted on May 4, 2005 7:24 PM
The only good thing about Krisily was that she was greatful for the trip. The Sarah's were acting like they expect nothing less than to be treated like royalty.
18 of 18 | Posted by walkon | Posted on May 6, 2005 4:03 PM