For starters, the show has moved to Rome. And while it's not the most romantic ever, it is the Princeliest. That's right, the bachelor this year is an actual Italian Prince. Sure, he's lived in America since before he could wipe his own ass, but really, has royalty ever had to wipe its own ass? In fact, while most people think Marie Antoinette's last words were "Let them eat cake," in actuality they were "Let them wipe their own asses." So you can see why they made her eat canned spaghetti until her stomach exploded.
True story.
Host Chris Harrison is back, and he's walking around in downtown Rome, gushing over this year's bachelor. His family name appears all over the city: in its streets, on the front of the Vatican and in bathroom stalls throughout the Vatican. We also learn the bachelor is related to a Pope, and one of his relatives married Napoleon's sister. And, if you dig back far enough, you'll find he's related to Mary Magdalene, which is why Host Chris Harrison is constantly on the lookout for a crazed albino. And Moanica.
Pretty much all of the ho-pefuls agree that marrying a prince is every girl's dream. I don't know if that's true or not. At least it isn't for mrs. copygodd. I think she'd be content if I'd just remember to put the seat down. But at least I still wipe my own ass. Most of the time.
Okay, ten minutes into the show and I'm already sick of listening to the B'ettes talking about this being a fairy tale and wanting to be a princess blahblahblah. Hey, you broads wanna be treated like a princess? Then get your bitch ass back in the kitchen, and make me some pie!
Again with the gang signs?
Host Chris Harrison gives us a quickie bio of this year's bachelor: "His name is Lorenzo Borghese, and he comes from one of the most renowned families in Europe. Their history is, well, it's as rich as Rome itself. But there's much more to this famous young prince than just his wealthy last name. There's also the title of Prince." I hate Host Chris Harrison. Interesting side note: in Italian, his name translates to "Il Douche."
Thirty-four year-old Prince Lorenzo Borghese (or PLB, as I'm going to call him until a better nickname comes to mind) is definitely not your average uptight royal prick. We know this because when a kid kicks a soccer ball at him, he just tosses the ball back instead of having the child drawn and quartered on the spot. Also, he never ever ever introduces himself as Prince Lorenzo Borghese. He's always Lorenzo. Like that's any less gay. He says the only time anyone ever knows he's a prince is when his friends are around and they're trying to use his royal lineage to pick up chicks. You know, that's exactly why I quit hanging out with EdHill.
Born in Italy, PLB's family moved to America when he was five. And now, he lives in the heart of New York City. Surprisingly, being a prince in New York City doesn't make it any easier to pick up girls. I wonder if that has anything to do with the fact that he won't tell anyone he's a prince. Dumbass.
Today, his family is also well known in the cosmetics industry. Lorenzo also runs a company that produces high-end salon products for dogs. And he's a pilot. And, in his spare time, he heals lepers while making water from scratch. Okay, I made that last part up. Making water from scratch is what I do in my spare time.
PLB is hoping to follow in his parents' footsteps, who are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. What, were they on The Bachelor: Fogies? To show how happy they are, we get a quick bit of footage with PLB interacting with the fam. His dad seems like he could be fun, but he also seems like he's busted a more than a few kneecaps in his life. Well, technically he had someone else break them - he is a prince, after all - but you know what I mean. His dad's first thought when he found out his son was going to be the bachelor? "Oh mama mia! Thatsa some spicy meatball!"
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Comments (37)
Great job, copygodd! Hilarious recap. I'm sure you make Mrs. copygood feel like a princess on a regular basis. She's right - the princess fairy tale is not the secret fantasy of every woman. Certainly not me. I would expect any guy who is a prince, even PLB, to be a self-absorbed prick.
Please keep re-capping this stupid show. I get so much housework done during The Bachelor - that's my excuse for watching, and I'm sticking with it.
1 of 37 | Posted by joeypotter
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Posted on October 4, 2006 12:23 PM
Great recap. Does anyone else think PLB looks like Balki Bartokomous from TV's Perfect Strangers? Maybe that should be his new nickname.
2 of 37 | Posted by jlp76
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Posted on October 4, 2006 12:31 PM
I can't believe this show keeps coming back year after year. Maybe it would be worth watching if just one of these couples actually stayed together beyond the airing of the finale.
Five minutes of Flavor of Love is WAY more entertaining than the whole two hours of this.
3 of 37 | Posted by Shoe-In
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Posted on October 4, 2006 12:42 PM
You forgot to mention that Gina was making pouty frowns the whole night. She is going to be the one to watch for Drama.
4 of 37 | Posted by pixies_rock
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Posted on October 4, 2006 1:11 PM
copygodd- this is the first time i've watched bachelor since the first season, and only to know whats what in your recaps.
and I would have to say I agree with what I read in page 6 today- that PLB's former collegemates say he is a "tool" and dropped his title all the time to get chicks.
looking forward to the next recap, but not the show--
5 of 37 | Posted by hardly@work
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Posted on October 4, 2006 1:20 PM
pixies_rock: you are so right about the ugly faces Gina was making all night! I was really hoping for some screencaps - but since this was such a great recap otherwise, I guess I'll let it slide!
6 of 37 | Posted by elljay8
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Posted on October 4, 2006 1:29 PM
Great re-cap, Copygodd!! Did PLB really say house of bricks??!! What a doofus.
I agree pixies_rock, Gina looks to be our source for DRAMA this season.
7 of 37 | Posted by Coley
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Posted on October 4, 2006 1:30 PM
Sorry Copygodd, Lisa isn't a tree hugger AT ALL!! My roommate has known her since she was 11 and says she's a spoiled Jewish princess! All the tree hugging stuff has to be to it an "image"
8 of 37 | Posted by CrazyTrain
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Posted on October 4, 2006 1:37 PM
Wow, what a crop this season. Is it an option for the Prince to just say "do-over?" The preview for next week looks interesting. What could possibly get the ladies, (and I use that term only because of my upbringing), so upset? Does the Dr. come back and crash the party with an M16 in one hand and a bottle of tequila in the other? I can hear the catfights now!
9 of 37 | Posted by BobbyBoy
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Posted on October 4, 2006 1:49 PM
Gina also had the best entrance, totally blew him off, bordering on rude. I thought she was being coy, until I noticed she was positively glowering every time they cut to her. Am kinda wondering how she got picked. Anyway, I'm sure we're in for good times with her.
Didn't actually watch the second half, but am a bit surprised the bodacious model didn't make it either. I like Kim, she seemed sane, mature not girly, but still cute, and I don't think I heard her spouting any of that "what girl doesn't dream of marrying a prince" bullcrap (although obviously anyone appearing on this show is inherently an idiot).
Anyway, PLB seems about a million times livelier than the somnolent jut-jawed, mandanna-wearing xenophobe we got stuck with last time, so might be alright.
10 of 37 | Posted by chronic
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Posted on October 4, 2006 2:13 PM
PLB nickname suggestion: P. Zo
(in homage to J. Lo and all the nickname spawns it created)
11 of 37 | Posted by JayhawkAnne
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Posted on October 4, 2006 2:31 PM
I was going to say that too about Balki. He loooks like Haley Joel Osment meets Balki meets a muppet meets Cyrano DeBergerac. Did anyone catch that profile?
Also, how did Rosella sell her car to come, if she left the same day she found out she was on the show? Whatever, she was kind of trashy.
12 of 37 | Posted by noodle
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Posted on October 4, 2006 2:39 PM
I'm surprised Rosella didn't get picked since they kept focusing on her... and then, Gina made it through? LoL, that girl was making faces over EVERYTHING! Pouting is not a good look for her. Oh and no mention of Rita from Richmond's grossly tanned face? I watched the show in HD and it was not a pretty sight.
Anyways, I watched the first season of The Bachelor, then gave up on the show during the 2nd one and started watching again because of "the MOST ROMANTIC SEASON EVER" in Paris (yes, I'm a sucker). The previews looked good so I'm hooked for another season, I'm afraid. The Prince will be crying!! :)
13 of 37 | Posted by stacyrocks
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Posted on October 4, 2006 3:30 PM
I have to say that SarahEh doesn't look very black or ethnic. I thought she just went overboard on the tanning and went for the currently Laguna Beach hairstyle.
14 of 37 | Posted by cannonball
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Posted on October 4, 2006 4:51 PM
CrazyTrain outing the 'tree hugger'...how random.
Larry the bachelor and the latest bunch of bitches seem to be off to a good start. I look forward to some drama from Baby-talker and the Texas-Tiara gal.
See gc - I told you I read all your recaps!
hb
15 of 37 | Posted by HoneyBunny
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Posted on October 4, 2006 5:24 PM
This show is so terrible--and yet I can't rip myself away! Within the first few minutes my friends and I dubbed PLB as Prince Douchy McDouchsurshun or "Douchy" for short.
Copygodd, keep up the great work.
16 of 37 | Posted by Wren
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Posted on October 4, 2006 8:32 PM
i too was trying to think of who saddie looked like. i kept wondering if i knew her from somewhere and then it hit me. she's the female version of christian bale. if he had a twin sister, it would be saddie. and that desiree--i think she's been watching austin powers too many times, baby!
17 of 37 | Posted by lagunawatch
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Posted on October 4, 2006 9:24 PM
i too was trying to think of who saddie looked like. i kept wondering if i knew her from somewhere and then it hit me. she's the female version of christian bale. if he had a twin sister, it would be saddie. and that desiree--i think she's been watching austin powers too many times, baby!
18 of 37 | Posted by lagunawatch
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Posted on October 4, 2006 9:25 PM
"It rubs the lotion on its skin"
That is TOO funny!!!
19 of 37 | Posted by mom_to_travis
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Posted on October 5, 2006 7:50 AM
JayhawkAnne (#11)
Wouldn't it be P.Bo, on account of his last name?
Since Lorenzo is a variant of Lawrence, maybe we should just call him Larry...
20 of 37 | Posted by busybee68
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Posted on October 5, 2006 10:39 AM
so funny! best recap I've seen, copygodd. Now I feel free to mock my own addiction to the bachelor.
If you go with a J.Lo - themed nickname, I suggest going with L.Bo. Not only does it more closely follow the J.Lo precedent but watching these crazy bachelorettes and PLB tickles my funny bone.
21 of 37 | Posted by ksmart
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Posted on October 5, 2006 3:47 PM
I've been calling him Larry. Seems fitting given how thoroughly un-foreign this guy is.
I'm pretty sure I would've been out the door after he practically came in his pants talking about going to some Bon Jovi concert in New Jersey... recently.
22 of 37 | Posted by chronic
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Posted on October 5, 2006 4:57 PM
Great recap, funniest one I've read in a long time.
23 of 37 | Posted by bdos88
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Posted on October 5, 2006 10:39 PM
Funny stuff! I loved when the B'ettes stepped out o' the limo ...and wobbily crunch, crunch, crunched across the gravel. Why didn't the producers see how awkward that was and throw down a carpet or something? Great for laughs, though. Didn't agree w/PBJ's (or whatever we're calling him) gift of the rose/bling to Lisa. As I recall, their first convo together (w/ a couple other B'ettes) went something like this -
Tree gal: This must be so stressful for you!
PBJ: It is.
Tree gal: Are you stressed?
PBJ: (dull response)
Tree Gal: You must be so STRESSED!
Gee! Golly!
Also, that poor Dyan Cannon look alike. Just wanted to say who she (Heather) reminded me of.
Finally, I think the prod-ucers told PBJ to keep Tiara girl (aka Tub Tub) and The I-tralian. Why else would he??
24 of 37 | Posted by c-rock
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Posted on October 6, 2006 6:40 AM
c-rock I think you're right about those two girls -- or else he's just very shallow...
I vote for L.Bo (ksmart #21), although P.Zo and P.Bo both made me laugh.
25 of 37 | Posted by zoo keeper
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Posted on October 6, 2006 4:03 PM
I agree about Heather looking like Dyan Cannon.
I agree that the producers must make him keep so many of the "lively" girls. Maybe they give him a list or something of how many people they want to see go forward and he has to pick a few off of it-that would definitely explain an idiot like Erica and a lunatic like Desiree going forward.
As far as nicknames go-Iwas calling him "Prince Pussy." This could be the greatest debate since "taco block-o" vs. "cooter scooter" vs. "cunt punt."
This is looking to be THE GREATEST SEASON EVER and copygodd, in the immortal words of our actress friend Susan-"I'm looking forward to falling in love with you" or at least your recaps all over again with this season!
26 of 37 | Posted by Victoria
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Posted on October 6, 2006 4:28 PM
Sadie made me think of the actress, Keri Lynn Pratt, who played Jack's religious/up-tight/snobby/tramp girlfriend in the short-lived series Jack & Bobby.
Checking out her bio on IMDB, it looks as if she has had a guest-starring role on just about every (give or take a few) television series: House; Bones; Stacked; CSI; Law & Order: Sabrina, the Teenage Witch; SVU; 7th Heaven; Veronica Mars; Nip/Tuck; Boston Public; The O.C.; That 70s Show; ER and Joan of Arcadia. She also had a role in the movies Drive Me Crazy, America's Sweethearts and Fat Albert. Maybe some of you have seen her in some of this crap :) -- although I will admit she has appeared on several good shows as well.
27 of 37 | Posted by TWilliams
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Posted on October 6, 2006 4:51 PM
Twilliams, so you think Sadie might actually be the actress you mentioned above? Hmmmmmm interesting!
To me, Sadie looks like a girl named Jamie who won the Sci Fi channel reality show "Mad Mad House" (where people lived in a house with a vampire, wiccan, voodoo priestess....etc).
Anyway....
GREAT RECAP copygodd! I have never watched the Bachelor before, but watched this week because it was the only thing on TV! looks like I am gona have to add it to my list of trashy reality TV shows to get hooked on thanks to TVGASM!!!!
28 of 37 | Posted by anniedawg25
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Posted on October 6, 2006 9:15 PM
No, I don't think Sadie is that actress -- she just closely resembles her in my opinion. I am sure Sadie is Sadie.
Other people were saying she reminded them of someone else although they had no idea of whom -- I was just throwing out another possibility. She has had some extensive work on television the last couple of years so maybe people caught a glimpse of her then.
We DO have a lesser-known Hollywood actor (Jonathan Penner) on Survivor this year so I wouldn't put it past any show or any producer to hire an actor/actress to play along with the other reality-fame whores.
29 of 37 | Posted by TWilliams
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Posted on October 6, 2006 9:57 PM
The new bachelor likes to call the girls "guys" just like the last bachelor. If he had any class, he would call them "ladies."
30 of 37 | Posted by suebee
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Posted on October 8, 2006 6:01 AM
The second I saw Sadie, she became my favorite because she looks like Diem from the Fresh Meat Real World/Road Rules Challenge.
31 of 37 | Posted by Megs614
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Posted on October 9, 2006 7:53 PM
I HATE ERICA!!!!! What a fake, ugly little wanna be "socialite", who prides herself on judging people. YUK!! Enough already.
32 of 37 | Posted by Coley
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Posted on October 10, 2006 11:31 AM
Somebody please post a video clip of the drunk bachelorette passing out (and the mumbling that ensued as she awoke from her "nap"). I loved every minute of it!!
33 of 37 | Posted by Jesst
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Posted on October 10, 2006 1:27 PM
That was great Jesst!!! And when she jumped cause she thought he was the waiter???!!! Priceless!!
34 of 37 | Posted by Coley
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Posted on October 10, 2006 1:40 PM
That was great Jesst!!! And when she jumped cause she thought he was the waiter???!!! Priceless!!
35 of 37 | Posted by Coley
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Posted on October 10, 2006 1:41 PM
Awesome recap!!!!!!!!!! But, stop picking on Chris! :-(
P.S. I LOVE the image file names!
36 of 37 | Posted by NYC18
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Posted on October 11, 2006 11:01 AM
humph. Are you kidding me with this sh*t???
37 of 37 | Posted by passiveagressive
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Posted on November 13, 2006 6:15 PM