There's probably only one or two of you that know this, but before I started recapping The Bachelor I used to recap The Biggest Loser. (And WWE: RAW, but I try not to think about that when I'm sober.) Anyway, just as one of the hardest things about covering The Biggest Loser was trying not to rely on cheap fat jokes, it's getting harder and harder every week not to rely on cheap sex jokes in my Bachelor recaps.
Heh heh. I said harder. Twice.
We start off this week's episode with a nice beefcake shot of Dr. McStork running (shirtless, natch) down a backFrench road. Happy now, Mom? In the chateau, Travis tells us his two best friends, Dr. Matt and Dr. Kevin, are in Paris to meet the remaining ho-pefuls, and to choose who goes on which date. Armed with a skeleton, alcohol and three engagement rings, they set out to see how the girls handle stress. It's like watching my honeymoon video all over again. Without all the crying.
They ask each woman to point out the largest and most powerful muscle in the human body. Of course, SaraH-eh? points to the general groinal area. Other guesses include the tongue, forearm and brain. All wrong, of course, as the correct answer is ass. Yes, the doctors were looking for ass.
Next they ask the women to pick one of three diamond rings they'd like Travis to give them. Some try to pick the ring they think the doctors want them to pick, while others (I'm talking to you, MOANA) go for the bling. "I’m as shallow as a kiddie pool," she says as justification. And as interesting as a box of hair.
Finally, Matt and Kevin ask the women if they have any special talents. A few highlights: SaraH-eh? did the splits; Susan juggled; Silo breakdanced (or is it brokedance?); Jennifer modeled; and PlainSaraH stuck her fist in her mouth. How ever will Travis' friends pick a winner?
Welcome back to The Delicious Dish...
After the interviews are over, the girls retire to the house for more drinking. Unfortunately, the Date Box arrives and interrupts their drinking. However, when Susan is revealed to have won the solo date, everyone else goes back to drinking. The box contains an envelope that simply reads "Open with Travis". Of course, SaraH-eh? is totally jealous, because she thought she was a shoo-in for the solo date. No matter, though, as Travis has already promised the first kiss would be hers. And we all know a doctor would never lie to someone he barely knew. Especially not one who's as interested in his groinal area as he is hers.
While Susan is happy about winning the individual date, she's also a little freaked out, as she knows she could be going home that night, ala K-Whack, she of the Billy-Bob teef. Travis drops by to pick up Susan for their date, and together they open the mysterious black envelope. Inside is a note from Matt and Kevin: "Nothing tests a relationship like finding your way through a foreign country." Ironically, this was also Matt's pickup line back in gynecology school.
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Comments (52)
Reverse cock-block? I prefer the term "cunt-punt". Use it with caution.
1 of 52 | Posted by HardPerimeter
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Posted on January 25, 2006 10:21 AM
box blox???
2 of 52 | Posted by aec
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Posted on January 25, 2006 10:23 AM
I like box block...
DrunkTara's totally got the crazy teeth going on. Like, something in that drunken sneer spells "cra-hay-hay-zee". He was totally annoyed by her box block, AGAIN. As was I.
Another great recap, with great screencaps. Yay! Thanks!
3 of 52 | Posted by Jess
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Posted on January 25, 2006 10:45 AM
Great recap!
I was really hoping that DrunkTara would get the boot this week for being such a bi-atch. I got to put my vote in for the cunt-punt 'cause it makes me laugh.
I know that all of the girls are annoyed with Moana for being evasive but that doesn't mean that she isn't interested. I love the fact that is rankles the others so badly.
4 of 52 | Posted by mountain_girl
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Posted on January 25, 2006 10:54 AM
Cock block is cool! So did they not show the extended bachelor everywhere else, with bonus footage of Kristin's date ("coming up next, see the worst crash and burn in Bachelor history"). OUCH!
Not that Jen wasn't going down against Sarah-eh, but just a hunch, screaming like an imbecile at every bleedin' little insect in front of the guy who's just professed his life-long passion for camping was maybe not so cool. Although holding up the tent and pouring martinis would've been awesome!
As whiny as the B-ettes are, they aren't wrong about Moana. BiTCH! "Game on"? wtf. Travis, like every idiot bachelor before him, will remain willfully oblivious to her being universally despised by the rest of the house. Uh, dude, remember Sara W, Kristen? It all comes out in the wash sooner or later, f*cktard.
Oh and PlainSarah should've kicked him in the nads and left when he asked if she whether she was "sexual being". Who the hell says something like that? And who the hell lets them?
5 of 52 | Posted by chronic
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Posted on January 25, 2006 11:15 AM
Does anyone else think Drunk Tara looks like that redhead off of wedding crashers? I seriously thought she would get the boot after her cock-blocking.... he looked like he wanted to take her rose away after she did it last week. I bet the host would have let him, too!
6 of 52 | Posted by April
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Posted on January 25, 2006 11:32 AM
taco block
7 of 52 | Posted by champale
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Posted on January 25, 2006 11:51 AM
Random observation: DrunkTara looks like the demon/whore/sister on Devil's Advocate. The lawyer who happens to be Keanu's sister and tries to seduce him in the end. PlainSarah is just blah. I really can't figure out how she made it on the show. That gold dress was hideous.
8 of 52 | Posted by kelley
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Posted on January 25, 2006 11:53 AM
Twat-Block
9 of 52 | Posted by Vasha
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Posted on January 25, 2006 11:53 AM
copygodd-I don't think you are doing these recaps for the right reasons, I think you are just an aspiring actress. I am not surprised Shiloh got the boot over the whores-when are these girls going to learn that the girl who spends her alone time with the bachelor bitching about the other girls and "warning" him that there are girls who are not here for the "right reasons" always gets kicked off? I almost threw up when Susan said she was a "smitten kitten." That was almost as dumb as Kristen and her poetry.
10 of 52 | Posted by Victoria
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Posted on January 25, 2006 12:11 PM
Notice how they are pronouncing Moana's name?
Mo-anna... and not Moan-a?
She's trying to sex up her name a little. I guess that may work to her advantage considering Moan-a reminds me of a 80yr old woman soiling her depends.
11 of 52 | Posted by megan
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Posted on January 25, 2006 12:19 PM
What about "Snatch catch" ?
I was gonna say these women are pathetic but my gay ol' self actually thinks Travis is yummy.
12 of 52 | Posted by doriangz
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Posted on January 25, 2006 12:21 PM
Oh and have u seen how they totally spoiled next week's episode in the previews ?
There is this moment where this crying girl is obviously telling Travis goodbye and she is crying and she says "just be careful of some of the other girls". They just showed the hug in a manner that doesnt show her face but her hair is clearly blonde.
In other words buhbye Jihad !
13 of 52 | Posted by doriangz
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Posted on January 25, 2006 12:24 PM
booty block
beaver block
snatch natch
hiney hinder
hooha hinder
discuss
14 of 52 | Posted by JohnGalt
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Posted on January 25, 2006 12:49 PM
And what could be Jihad's deep dark secret she reveals next week? That she is not a natural blonde? That she used to be a man?
15 of 52 | Posted by Bauer's Sweetheart
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Posted on January 25, 2006 12:56 PM
Twat Swat?
16 of 52 | Posted by Rayne888
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Posted on January 25, 2006 1:22 PM
#10, agree that Shiloh's warnings did not help her cause, but Travis has been pretty much going solely on looks so far, and Shiloh also happened to be the least "fresh" looking of the bunch. Not to mention that horrific disco outfit she wore to the rose ceremony was horrific. Certainly plain Sarah is a goner next week unless one of the other B-ettes does something nothing short of catastrophic.
17 of 52 | Posted by chronic
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Posted on January 25, 2006 1:34 PM
Oh and I cast my vote for "twat swat". I think that captures the maneouvre beautifully.
18 of 52 | Posted by chronic
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Posted on January 25, 2006 1:35 PM
How about 'cooter crimp?'
19 of 52 | Posted by ruplub
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Posted on January 25, 2006 2:27 PM
Twat plot? 'Cuz none of them are thinking with their brains. But how could they with all of that drinking??
I will be happy when Tara is gone. She's like the drunk party girl (or guy) that spits on you towards the end of the evening. It is funny that in each Bachelor (and Bachelorette), there will be someone who is not normally a drinker and totally looks foolish.
I thought the camping scenes shown during the credits were funny. Reminds me of me going camping with my son, the cub scout...
20 of 52 | Posted by chick110
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Posted on January 25, 2006 2:28 PM
Or any combination of those:
twat block
taco blocko
beaver cleaver
what rhymes with vulva?
21 of 52 | Posted by OD-TV
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Posted on January 25, 2006 2:40 PM
taco block-o?! LMAO. That's awesome and not just because it sounds like something Rolly Weaver would have come up with.
22 of 52 | Posted by mountain_girl
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Posted on January 25, 2006 2:46 PM
oh man i was totally gonnna say box block and then saw everyone else already suggested it, but i'm SO for the twat swat.
hmmm i'm looking for something to go with vagina. vagina veto? yeah forget that.
okay so my thoughts on moana. i think she's one of those "cool girls" that never wants to seem vulnerable so she never admits to liking someone or being interested, in fears of being rejected eventually and looking foolish. this way she can be all aloof and if she gets kicked off can be like "meh, i'm cool".
so i like her in a way.
23 of 52 | Posted by beccs98
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Posted on January 25, 2006 2:59 PM
I like the term "d**k deprive."
24 of 52 | Posted by Vee
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Posted on January 25, 2006 4:21 PM
I like Moana. She'll definitely be better off in Travis's eyes if all the other girls just waste their alone time with him bitching about her!
My fave part was in the first hour when they showed him trying to describe the moment on his date with Kristen when she put the orange rind in her teeth. He keep cracking up and had to do it over and over. LOL!
How about Clam Slam?
25 of 52 | Posted by zoobabe
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Posted on January 25, 2006 4:58 PM
I think we should go with the sports analogy and call it THE BOX OUT.
26 of 52 | Posted by schvim
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Posted on January 25, 2006 6:01 PM
Though I still prefer twat swat, see:
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=clam+jack
27 of 52 | Posted by chronic
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Posted on January 25, 2006 6:52 PM
clam clog?
snatch tackle?
Shouldn't Moana be Mo-an-ica?
28 of 52 | Posted by trickydick
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Posted on January 25, 2006 7:34 PM
is it just me or does Susan look like Cassandra from America's Next Top Model??
29 of 52 | Posted by erms
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Posted on January 25, 2006 10:39 PM
"Maybe it's time PlainSaraH sets up a hard perimeter… around the Bachelor's pants!"
LOVE it!!
30 of 52 | Posted by KT
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Posted on January 25, 2006 11:58 PM
Shouldn't it be Moan-ica?
31 of 52 | Posted by Cobra Kai
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Posted on January 26, 2006 4:59 AM
Ooops...Jinx Trickydick, I owe you a Coke.
32 of 52 | Posted by Cobra Kai
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Posted on January 26, 2006 5:00 AM
TWAT SWAT!
33 of 52 | Posted by AvaMarie
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Posted on January 26, 2006 7:10 AM
I believe the term "cock block" can be gender neutral..I mean it's still a cock block no matter which way you look at it....
34 of 52 | Posted by Phenom
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Posted on January 26, 2006 8:26 AM
Erms- The first thing I noticed about Susan was that she looks like Cassandra from ANTM! Like Phenom I've always referred to it as a cock block going both ways... but twat swat is pretty funny.
35 of 52 | Posted by jessica
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Posted on January 26, 2006 10:11 AM
I'm so sick of almost every other word out of everyone's mouth being "Amazing!" Gross!!!
36 of 52 | Posted by offinthewoods
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Posted on January 26, 2006 10:43 AM
Hm, how about every word out of CasSusan's mouth being "Absolutely!". Though Travis's "guys" has me just about pulling my hair out.
Whoever pointed it out last week, I can't believe I missed it. As copygodd points out, it's a surefire way to get drunk on a Monday night.
37 of 52 | Posted by chronic
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Posted on January 26, 2006 10:59 AM
"Snatch tackle" has my vote. Or how about "vagina deny...na" ???
I imagine drunk Tara in about 20 years toothless and swollen from liver disease. And what's with SarahEH's voice? She always sounds like she just woke up. Sexy? no. Annoying? very.
38 of 52 | Posted by Gillian
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Posted on January 26, 2006 2:02 PM
OOps - I meant "vagina deny-ya".
39 of 52 | Posted by Gillian
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Posted on January 26, 2006 4:33 PM
#36-last week I suggested a drinking game for every time someone said "amazing," but then you would die of alcohol poisoning.
40 of 52 | Posted by Victoria
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Posted on January 26, 2006 6:32 PM
Muff Rebuff
Poke Revoke
Clam Dam
Crease Cease
Beaver Cleaver
Bush Push/Tush Push
Shae Nae No Way
Coin Purloin
and.......
Drumroll please........
Cooter Scooter
41 of 52 | Posted by Lizardqueen
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Posted on January 26, 2006 6:36 PM
Oops. Beaver Cleaver is already mentioned. I thought of a couple more and then I must stop and put this out of my mind forever.
Yoni Baloney
Mound Pound
Flower Cower
Crack Smack
Tunnel Funnel
Hole Patrol
Peeper Keeper
42 of 52 | Posted by Lizardqueen
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Posted on January 26, 2006 6:48 PM
I also find it interesting that there just happens to be a cameraman standing in the village where Travis stopped to act for directions-yeah, that wasn't scripted.
43 of 52 | Posted by Victoria
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Posted on January 26, 2006 6:53 PM
Oooooooh, "hole patrol" is pretty great too. I'm torn. Though a bit different than "twat swat", you could use either depending on the situation, really.
44 of 52 | Posted by chronic
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Posted on January 26, 2006 7:02 PM
Crease Cease is vg LQ! LOL!
45 of 52 | Posted by zoobabe
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Posted on January 26, 2006 9:06 PM
Hole Patrol is hilarious!
46 of 52 | Posted by OD-TV
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Posted on January 27, 2006 5:27 AM
Can I get some love for "Cooter Scooter"? I wrote that one to further endear myself to a certain EdHill.
47 of 52 | Posted by Lizardqueen
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Posted on January 27, 2006 5:39 AM
Bush Push.
OK I've got to stop, I'm getting obsessed.
48 of 52 | Posted by OD-TV
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Posted on January 27, 2006 7:54 AM
jeeminy, what a creative bunch. of course, now i actually have to go through and count the votes. maybe i'll narrow it to the top three and put those up for a vote next week.
victoria (#10), i can't believe you think i'm actually an aspiring actress. next i suppose you're going to say copygodd's not my real name either. ;-)
and tricky dick (#28) and cobra kai (#32), thanks for pointing out my obvious gaffe. moanica it is.
49 of 52 | Posted by copygodd
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Posted on January 28, 2006 9:03 PM
See copygodd reading the comments...now THAT'S what I'm talkin bout!
50 of 52 | Posted by TinkerbellAPixie
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Posted on January 28, 2006 9:27 PM
copygodd,
I know I'm being annoying here, but would it be possible to start your new column with all the suggestions and then pare it down? I fear I got in too late and I would really enjoy the term "cooter scooter" being used in bars and clubs across the land. I'm willing to lose but I would so love a fresh start. My other fave- Taco Blocko and I have certain affection for Cunt Punt, but only the most fearless among us can use that one. If this is too much work, screw it, your the boss.
51 of 52 | Posted by Lizardqueen
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Posted on January 29, 2006 6:31 AM
So far I'm casting my vote for "taco block-o" - there were other funny ones but that's the only laugh-out-loud one.
52 of 52 | Posted by NolaO
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Posted on January 29, 2006 9:51 PM